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VickyMJ

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Posts: 71
 #1 
Please help me. I found my cat, my special cat Raisin dead this morning. I’m in total shock and devastated. I have (had) 6 cats, he was my special one, followed me everywhere and with me all the time.

There were no signs of illness, he was only 5, last night he was eating and playing with his sister, just totally fine. I can’t believe it, I miss him so much already and feeling like I’m not going to get through this.

He was over weight and I’m wondering did I miss something. Is it my fault. I tried to revive him this morning but he had gone.

I just don’t know what to do.

Please help me. His sister is just pacing around looking for him.

Vicky x
HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #2 
So sorry for your baby's passing, Vicky! I wish I could say something that could ease the pain. I would say Raisin wouldn't want you to suffer and he would like you to be able to get through this, but I know it's easier to say and this is way too fresh for you.. ⚘
VickyMJ

Registered:
Posts: 71
 #3 
Thank you so much for you reply.

The pain is so unbearable right now that I’m barely functioning. I don’t know how I would cope without my other fur babies around me.

Thank you for your support.

Vicky x
sparksmom

Registered:
Posts: 39
 #4 
Hi Vicky!

I'm so very, very sorry...

I lost my baby girl cat, Sparkles last Sunday.  Understand the pain you are feeling right now - the shock.  You are in good company.

The guilt - the non functioning.  I have been in bed since this happened.  I still fed my baby in the morning, pretend she is here and have shed a million tears till my eyes are swollen shut.  Reading through here I can say we are in a very ugly grieving process that makes us feel as close to death as we will ever get.

Our babies loved us so much unconditionally - they did everything with us.  Now we have to learn a new cruel skill.  Living life without them!  Seems people get through it.  I'm not at a point seeing that for myself anytime soon.  I share your pain with you and you are not alone!!  I'll pray for you to have comfort.

VickyMJ

Registered:
Posts: 71
 #5 
Hi sparksmom

Thank you so much for your reply and I’m so sorry you are going through this terrible pain too.

Perhaps we can support each other as although my family try and help, they don’t truly understand.

2 days on and I think this has been my worse day yet and I didn’t think I could feel any worse. When I woke up from a restless night, I just wanted to die.

I’m sorry as I know these words won’t help anyone. I try to think positive thoughts and that I think Raisin is the lucky one as he is at peace and happy, like he always was down here on earth.

My love to all who are suffering.

Vicky x
sparksmom

Registered:
Posts: 39
 #6 
Hi Vicky...

I know how bad you are hurting.  Day 2 is pretty bad.  You will have a few bad days.  Just express yourself how you are feeling...get out all the hurt.  Tell me all about it!  It helped me to post all my crazy stuff.  Today I am numb - I guess it's a little better.  But more probably the body protecting itself.

I too felt like I wanted to die - I ate very little for 3 days.  Today Is the first day I got out of bed - was bed ridden. 

There is nothing worse feeling than this and we will get through it together...ok? Spill out all you feel when you want...and there will then be times you don't want to - just wallowing in your pain might be all you want to do.  I did that one day.  Our babies are probably playing together right now was what just popped in my head.

If you feel guilt - normal - beat yourself up - normal - pretend they are there with you - normal - feel like you want to die - normal.  And get numb as I am today - normal.

I finally picked up my babies food bowls today.  I have been feeding her everyday still.  Today I decided and told her that in her new form she does not need the food to survive anymore.  Her spirit does not need food now like it used to.  I imagined she said to me "That's right, mom, I don't need that anymore - I think you needed it though!"  And I did.

I so much understand just what you are going through.  It's just horrible!!  The longing!  I emptied my little dirt devil floor vack and took her little furs out.  I have a memorial going on on her cat tree pole.  I have all kinds of things I keep adding to it.

I guess this is not going to be easy for awhile for us but maybe you will get to the "numb" spot like where I am at today soon.  At least this is a little better.  It feels like all the pain is there but numbed.  What each day coming brings I have no clue...

It's a lonely feeling - so very lonely now..

When you up to it...tell me how awful you are feeling...just tell me it all - it will help

I wish I could give you a big, big hug and hold you and cry with you - and in my thoughts I am, Vicky!  Somehow we are going to get through this - as painful as it is.  They are probably watching us wishing we felt better as they never liked to see us sad. And they are probably happy we found others that will help us through it, Vicky!!


VickyMJ

Registered:
Posts: 71
 #7 
Hi sparksmom

Thank you sooooo much for your lovely reply. It made me cry, which is not difficult at the moment anyway.

Another day on and woke up crying, missing my boy. I hate mornings so much. He would always come in my bedroom in the early hours to my side of the bed and do his little singing meow, just a gentle reminder that I need to get up. If I was having a lay in he would come in more regular and the meow would get louder. I miss that so much.

Well done you for picking up your babies food bowls, that is such a huge step forward and I know she would be so proud of you. You are so right, their spirits do not need food now as they are so content and happy.

Theses messages are helping me so much. I’m hoping the numb stage comes soon although I don’t know, I just hate it all.

I suffer with depression anyway and I don’t want to get stuck in this pit of grief. I keep finding things to feel guilty about, maybe the times I ignored him. I didn’t say goodnight to him the last time I saw him. Why do I keep doing this to myself.

You are in my thoughts too and I’m sending you so many hugs along this journey.

I hope you are doing ok today xxxx

HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #8 
Nicely said sparksmom!

Vicky, this probably won't help much, but I'm also good at making things even harder for myself. The guilt, the questioning, how I wish I could have done better and so on.
Hopefully at some point we really are going to get tired of hurting ourselves even more. We already struggle enough. This is the time where we should be even more loving and gentle to ourselves.

Reading your question about why you are doing this to yourself, made me think of what a friend recently told me. I was telling her how much I'd like a sign from my baby boy knowing that he is ok and I have a hard time trusting that he is. The friend said because I don't trust myself. Since I don't remember the exact words she used this might not make any sense. To me it means, because I don't trust and don't have faith since he passed, it's harder to receive any signs, because I'll always question it.
If I could just trust knowing that I have giving him a good life and helped as much as I could, if I could just trust that he is not suffering anymore, then I might not be as hard on myself.

He certainly gave me the best of everything I could ask for, he was always here for me no matter what, and kills me knowing that I've lost him!
But I do know that he was always worried about me when I was sad, when I was stressing out, I can still see him looking at me the way he used to when I felt down. He was shaking too at those times and always stayed by myside. I need to keep it in mind that he still wouldn't want me to struggle and I for sure wouldn't want him to worry about me. It is so darn hard tho. I know. But we need to try to keep going.

Hugs to you both 🏵
Katobar

Registered:
Posts: 114
 #9 
Vicky, I am so sorry for your loss. It is natural to start blaming yourself. I have done that after every loss. You did absolutely nothing wrong. It's part of trying to understand how this can happen. You loved Raisin so much but cats don't always let us know when they are sick. I know it's hard now but eventually the good memories start pushing away the pain. Hugs and purrs!
sparksmom

Registered:
Posts: 39
 #10 
Hi Vicky!

I'm so sorry you suffer depression already.  No doubt this is adding so much more stress on you.  You try and take good care of yourself as this is going to be hard on you.  Not sure you are feeling numb yet but that will feel better than the other stage.  I plan it might go back and forth a little but I know you will survive this - even though I know it does not feel like it.  Your baby loved you so much.   Know your baby wants you to feel better and wants you to know how happy he is.  The guilt is part of the process.  I also have that horribly.  But I also know we would not feel it had we not loved them so much.  And THAT is why he loved you!  You loved him with all your heart!!  We can go round and round on what we could have done different - but the bottom line is you know deep inside that you would never hurt your baby on purpose and he knows that!!! He knows only that you loved him more than anything.  I guess I would worry more if we didn't feel guilt as that would mean that we didn't care - if that makes sense.  I still have the guilt but coming to terms that she was a happy little cat who loved her home and us - and I know she knows I would never hurt her.  And your baby knows that too. 

As Katabr said they have a way of not letting us know how really sick they are and we sure can beat up ourselves wondering why we didnt see this or that.  I have even questioned myself wondering if I didnt want to see as the thought of losing her would be too much pain. 

But one thing I know - reading posts from you, heartbroken and others makes me feel so good they had such loving parents as no one would hurt so bad if they didn't love them with all their heart.

Maybe you should go to the Monday Night Candle ceremony tomorrow here.  It's really pretty and made me feel better last Monday.  I liked the part they had a message about the challenges they teach us. - And if this is not a challenge we are learning than I don't know what is.  Not only did are babies give us love but they are teachers in life.  I'm not quite sure yet what this very hard and painful challange is supposed to teach me but I'm sure there is a reason and purpose.


Well, I ended up putting her bowls back down.  The spot was just so bare and broke my heart.  So I told her mom needs a little more time but I won't add the food in them because I know in her spirit form she does not get hungry or need food. I guess it's still a step but just could not stand seeing that bare spot.  I actually felt better after I put the bowls down.  So I am not there yet I guess.

I hope each day gets better for you - and it will.  But it will takes a lot of time - as all of us are finding out.

If you are up to it I'll see you tomorrow at the candle light ceremony and sending you a warm hug..be kind to yourself!

VickyMJ

Registered:
Posts: 71
 #11 
Thank you all so much for your replies.

Yesterday was such a terrible day, the worst yet.

It’s early here and I’m yet to get out of bed for fear of having another day like yesterday. I used to like weekends but now I hate them.

I know it’s a silly question, but where do I go for the the candle light ceremony? I think I would like to but not sure if I’m strong enough.

Thanks to you all and hope you are all coping ok.

Vicky xx



HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #12 
Not a silly question at all. Hope the link works: http://www.petloss.com/newchat.htm
Then scroll down all the way, and there it's asking for your sign in name. You can try to log on anytime today to see if it works. If it doesn't open with the link I posted here, then go to http://www.petloss.com and find where it says "The Monday Pet Loss Candle Ceremony CandleCandleCandle" and go from there. There are other things on this site that could be helpful for you.
Hope it works and will "see you" in the chatroom!
VickyMJ

Registered:
Posts: 71
 #13 
Thank you so much HeartBroken12.

I’ve just realised that it will be 3am here (I’m in the UK). But I will be lighting a candle tonight this evening for my boy.

I’m disappointed as I would’ve loved to be with everyone.

Xx
HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #14 
Sorry to hear the time wouldn't work for you. But maybe if you could take a nap until then and sign in? It's only once a week.
Might be also an idea to post on the forum when you'd like to sign in, and hoping that someone will be available!? And you could also ask one of the volunteer supporters to join you!
VickyMJ

Registered:
Posts: 71
 #15 
HeartBroken12 - I may do.

It’s just I’m not a great sleeper and I don’t think I’d be able to get back to sleep after, then I know I’d be in for an even rougher ride the next day.

Not sure if that makes sense?
HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #16 
It certainly makes sense Vicky. I'm the opposite of that so it's easier for me to say, but I understand. I just thought maybe it could help in the long run. 
People usually sign out pretty early, but I did stay on for hours last couple of times. Maybe you could check in super early morning. See how you feel.
Hugs
VickyMJ

Registered:
Posts: 71
 #17 
Thank you I will.

Especially missing Raisin tonight, in case I don’t make it, we did light some candles for him tonight.

Love you precious boy 😘 xxxx
oliverj

Registered:
Posts: 155
 #18 
I'm just seeing your post now. I am so sorry to hear of your sad and shocking loss. I know from my own sad experiences that loss can come far too young as I lost my boys Dickens and before that Oliver at around 6. Seemingly beautiful healthy boys who both ended up with horrible diseases. It is cruel and my heart goes out to you. I also wanted to let you know (if you haven't seen it already) that there is a candle
Ceremony on Sunday afternoon (once a month I think). I hope you're doing ok!? Peace to you. Minda
Lasweetbaby33

Registered:
Posts: 377
 #19 
Hi Vicky!

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby Raisin what a wonderful name you gave him and please accept my most sincere sympathy. I just wanted to saw that I'm right here with you sharing your pain i'm also going through a hard time myself due that one by one I been losing my precious kittens. Going here and reading everyone else's stories gives me a little bit of comfort and even though I'm not doing well myself I'm right here trying to give support to others because I know how much is needed right now. Please don't be so hard on yourself what had happened to your baby was not your fault things just happen and we normally don't know why. I have found my babies dead to and also realizing what did a do wrong was it my fault that they are no longer here? I also feel a lot of guilt because I feel that why are my babies passing away one by one and normally all of them in the exact same position.. Our emotions right now are on shock of the impact of how we have found our babies. trust me I'm in the same boat as you are right now. I don't know what to do either I feel so alone and I'm even scared of getting another pet and I really love pets. I'm just scared to having one and just thinking that is going to end up dying once again.. i also suffer from depression and just losing my babies is making it even worse. I just wished that I was able to have a magic power to help both of us feel better. But unfortunately their is nothing i can do than just be here for one another. Stay strong and just remember that our babies are now resting and both of them are watching over us at these very present moment. much love to you always.

~ Mayra 

VickyMJ

Registered:
Posts: 71
 #20 
Thank you both so much Minda & Mayra and I’m also very sorry to hear of your losses.

This forum has helped me a great deal, just to not feel so alone. I’m also still having a hard time almost 4 weeks on. I’ve had losses in the past, pets and human, but this one is the hardest and I know people around me just don’t understand how I can feel this way over my boy, it is very comforting to know people on here get it!

It does also help me to support others too.

I am really scared when I get up in the morning and my others cats aren’t in their usual places, I panic thinking it’s going to happen all over again.

I will also check out the Sunday monthly candle ceremony, I didn’t know about that one, so thank you.

My best wishes to you both and I really hope you start to heal a little each day and know that our fur babies are looking down on us.

Vicky xx
HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #21 
Vicky, wish I remembered telling you about the Sunday Ceremony, but I keep forgetting about it. Glad someone did mention it to you and you will be able to join them.
Everyone I see your reply to someone it makes me smile knowing your able to support others. Very kind. I hope you can do that as well to yourself tho.
Hugs⚘
VickyMJ

Registered:
Posts: 71
 #22 
Thank you HeartBroken12. It helps me to support others and I just really feel for everyone on here as it’s such a sad horrible time.

I should listen to myself more though, not something I’m great at doing!

I hope you are doing ok.

Hugs back to you x
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