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tanmish

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Posts: 198
 #1 
Last october 18th, my dog passed away after midnight. I wasn't able to keep track of time. I didn't know what time exactly. I just knew it was after midnight. We got home at 3am so i know it was somtime in between. I cannot say her name right now because it hurts. We just found out the afternoon of oct. 17 she had a heart condition. I quickly brought her to the vet when i felt there was something not right. The doctor did x ray and heart ultrasound. She informed me she had a heart condition. Her heart cannot supply enough oxygen so i stayed with her that afternoon until 10pm when the vet hospital closed for oxygen therapy. I thought after the therapy she would feel better but when we got home i knew something was wrong so i brought her to the clinic near our house. She was given oxygen therapy for a little bit but the doctor advised me to bring her to the 24 hour hospital. When we got there she was given oxygen and after her iv was inserted she used her nose to tell me to remove her oxygen mask ( the doctor said if she does this to give her a minute in between before putting it back). She urinated and when i told the doctor so he could check on her, her head suddenly fell and the doctor said it was cardiac arrest. The doctor was so quick to bring her to the other room to revive her. I really thought she made it. I was outside watching from the glass. I was so shocked when the doctor said she was gone. My earth shattered. I was crying and i didn't know what i was saying. The doctor said her heart condition was a ticking bomb. I am just heartbroken. It all happened so fast. She would have been 13 on november 30th.

It is so hard to lose her but at the same time i blame myself. I always blame myself. My brain is trying to constantly try to find where i could have done something different. I feel so helpless not having her around anymore. I miss doing things for her. She had a liver condition that was diagnosed a year ago but her values got better i was so thankful. Her passing from her heart condition was so fast and unexpected.

Michelle
Marlow_Cat_1

Registered:
Posts: 18
 #2 
I am so deeply saddened by your loss.  Heart conditions often show no symptoms.  The shock and grief are overwhelmed.  Pets share such an important place in our hearts and lives.  I can feel your deep love for your dog.  I don't think you should feel guilt for loving your dog for so many wonderful years.  Look at the care you gave her for her liver condition.  The shock and grief are heavy right now but in time the good feelings and memories will replace them.  Do you have people who understand your loss?  You can always find support here.  MC
tanmish

Registered:
Posts: 198
 #3 
Unfortunately, no. My family (parents and sister) have moved on. They will still cry from time to time, but they don't understand the helplessness i feel now that she's gone. I love her so much and just the thought of loosing her ( from her liver condition) always makes me cry at the vet. Now that she's truly gone, i cannot do anything about it. I miss her so much and i definitely prefer it if she was here. During the day, i have things to do which distracts me, but at night when i'm about to sleep, i want her back here and i couldn't do anything about it. I miss her so much. My brain isn't helping either. It keeps on finding reasons for self- blame.
Marlow_Cat_1

Registered:
Posts: 18
 #4 
Dear  Michelle.....the overwhelming nature of grief is very difficult to cope with.  and the grief of our beloved pets is something other people usually don't understand and as a result they are not very helpful or supportive.  i didn't get it until i went through it myself.  so i suggest to keep coming here, find a counselor that understands pet bereavement.   the association for pet loss has a wonderful moderated pet grief online chat  http://www.aplbchat.org, you have to check the times.  

You are not to blame.  you did everything you could to save your beautiful dog.  your deep attachment and the love and care you gave and shared throughout her life is so clearly evident.  unfortunately, a bad heart is a bad heart.  the oxygen can help but it doesn't address the underlying poor functioning of the heart.  i am so sure your beautiful dog doesn't blame you.  the only thing you might be guilty of is giving her too much love!

You've been grieving for a couple of weeks now.  it does take time but the grief will subside.  i am glad you are keeping busy during the day.  may be try listening to some sleep sounds at night.  you can find them on youtube like the rain or what ever you think may be helpful.  if you need more non-medicinal suggestions, please let me know.  MC


tanmish

Registered:
Posts: 198
 #5 
Everything happened so fast. She used her nose to tell me to remove the mask, she urinated and then she went into cardiac arrest. The doctor immediately brought her to the room to be revived. I watched outside through the glass. I was shocked when the doctor came out and told me they did everything they could but she's gone. I remember when the doctor told me that i just cried so hard. I remember telling the doctor i wasn't able to hug and kiss her. I told him what if she didn't know how much i love her. The doctor said she knew. This is just so heartbreaking to recall. I cannot believe she was gone. Most people just don't understand. People expect me to move on quickly which i cannot do.

My parents visited her grave last Saturday. My mom said when she saw her name engraved, she cried so hard. I know my parents love her too, but they are adjusting to the situation better than me. I feel left out and i cannot talk to them about it because i don't want them to be in the same place as me. I am thankful they have somehow moved on. The place i am in right now is not a good one. I feel so helpless and i keep on scrutinizing where i could change something.
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