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Petloss.com > Categories > Grief Support > I am devastated
 
 


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Indiloveforever

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Posts: 2
Posted  #1 
Yesterday I lost my beloved labrador Indi at only 9 years old.  I feel devastated.  She had a mammary tumour removed six weeks ago and all seemed ok, but she started bleeding and went into the animal hospital for tests.  While I haven't had the results it seems that she had an aggressive and invasive cancer that would have only given her one to two months.  If I had known that I would never have let her go to hospital.  As it is I had a call in the middle of the night to say she was struggling breathing and they needed to either give her a plasma transfusion or let her go.  I couldn't put her through more as it would have only prolonged the inevitable so let her go.  But I was an hour and a half away and it kills me that I couldn't be with her.  I am heartbroken and feel so much guilt for not being with her and leaving her at the hospital.  This never gets easier no matter how many times you go through it.
cosesmom

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Posts: 521
Posted  #2 
You are not to blame. You did the very best for Indi. If hind sight were 20/20 you may have made different choices but as it were you didn't know. You left her there with the best of intentions. Please don't let the guilt eat you alive, Indi wouldn't have wanted that. She knew your love and she understands. I know how hard it is. Your right no matter how many times we walk that path, it never gets easier. I'm so sorry that cancer took her life but I am grateful for your love of Indi. Be gentle with yourself and cry as much as you need to. Indi is always near you, her spirit remains at your side always.
love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
Murrayman1

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Posts: 2
Posted  #3 
I am so sorry
Murrayman1

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Posts: 2
Posted  #4 
I am so sorry
TazDad

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Posts: 18
Posted  #5 
That's tough, Indiloveforever. I'm so sorry for you. If you read my posts about my Taz, he started going down to quick also. No, it never gets easier...
Indiloveforever

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Posts: 2
Posted  #6 
Thank you all for your kind words.

I picked Indi up from the animal hospital and took her to the pet cemetery where we had an attended service for her.  I took my other dogs too, so they would know she was gone.  She went on her way with her favourite toy and some bonios.  

The results came back that she had a diffuse primary tumour in her liver, in her bladder and even inflammatory cells in her fatty tissue.  My poor girl.  I can't believe that only a few weeks before she was running around as if nothing was wrong.
TazDad

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Posts: 18
Posted  #7 
Godspeed to you Indiloveforever...
grievingmom

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Posts: 486
Posted  #8 
This may sound like a strange thing to say...but think about it when you can. If she hadn't died, would you feel guilty for "leaving her at the hospital"? No, you wouldn't. Because it is normal for people to leave their loved one at the hospital... and I am talking about humans too. That one action is not something to blame yourself for. I've left all of my pets in the hospital or in a vets office for an extended period of time. We actually have to unless we want to sit in the waiting room the whole time. And unless it is a 24 hour place, usually people are asked to leave. You left your dog alone because is is a common, accepted practice.

I suspect you are feeling more guilty about not being with her when she died. In life there are no guarantees. There are people who have been with their pets and regret it to this day. Seeing their beloved die right before their eyes was more than they could bear. And they wish they had never been there. Some have spoken of "euthanasias gone wrong". It did not take and all hell broke loose. Because you were not there you imagine it would have been an experience that is possibly wouldn't have been. But more than that, I think you are more focused on the fact that you are worried that your girl was upset that she died alone. She actually did not die alone. There were people all around her. She sensed they were there and she knew there were other animals around too. But you know that and right now none of it matters. I get it.

My heart truly goes out to you. My dog Tum had cancer and I had no idea. I saw her decline begin and what I saw I chalked up to "old age". When I found out on the day she died that she was sick, I was very angry at myself. I had no idea and blamed myself for that. I told myself "You should have known". 

In time the terrible pain of what you likely believe...that you failed your girl...will ease. Right now thought it is front and center and oh what a painful place that is to be. I know.

God bless you,
Stephanie
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