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Rls0028

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Posts: 2
 #1 
One month ago, my baby Pickles suddenly had diarrhea all over his self, was panting and yeowling desperately. I was napping and awoke so confused. I assumed he had a stomach issue and my friend, who was there, took him to the emergency vet ASAP. As I put him in the carrier, I was careful not to get myself dirty with his bottom soaked in stool. It never occurred to me I wouldn’t see him again. I looked too haggard to go out and was sedated from taking a medicine for health reasons. I planned to go as soon as I could get myself awake.

As soon as my friend arrived, the bad news came. Pickles’s abdomen was filled with blood and he was dying. We opted to spend thousands to revive him but the vet said he had gone downhill so quickly, they didn’t recommend it. He was suffering badly. I wasn’t strong enough to go there while they put him down. I’ll never forgive myself for this, never.

He was my world. I watched his mom give birth to him and as soon as he opened his eyes he loved me. He was a cat that was always doing funny things, getting into trouble, and entertaining. I had in depth conversations with him, he was very talkative, he understood me. I’ve never seen a creature enjoy life as much as pickles. He was about to turn 11. His life wasn’t long enough.

I haven’t been able to stop crying since. I had a few days when I felt strong but it came back. He was my world, my baby. I lost a child. That’s how I feel. I have no religious or spiritual beliefs and fear he is lost without me. I would do anything to have him back. I’ve tried so hard to accept this is life but I just can’t...
KatKat

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Posts: 171
 #2 
So sorry about Pickles. Sounds like you two had a very deep connection and it's understandable that you are grief stricken losing such a beautiful creature.  I wish I had words that could take away your pain.   Your pain is heard and my heart breaks for you.  I hope in time you can forgive yourself for not being there, you also were not well at the time.  Have you thought about seeing a grief counselor to help you work through things?  It might be helpful to you.  Again, so sorry for your loss.
DanC

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Posts: 27
 #3 
I’m so sorry to hear about Pickles. I lost my beloved cat, Nudge, due to congestive heart failure. We had such as special bond. It is 4 1/2 months and for the most part I think about the great life he had, but today it hit me like it was just yesterday we lost him. Reading the various stories in this forum, no age is ever long enough. Cats are master at hiding their illness. What you are feeling is normal and the grieving process has no time line and is not linear in nature. It is a series of waves. Continue to cry, continue to talk to pickles, thus allowing yourself to process what you are feeling. Unfortunately, as pet lovers, we sign up to provide unconditional love to animal, knowing we will outlive them and it hurts, yet everyone here would do all over again.

Pickles loved you unconditional and would want you be happy. I had to euthanize Nudge’s brother 8 days ago and I just try to remember he is not suffering anymore due to his health issues. He is no longer in pain. We are hear for you and Pickles will always be you in your heart and mind.
Rls0028

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Posts: 2
 #4 
Thank you both so much. I didn’t think anyone would reply. I’m embarrassed to get grief counseling because most people just don’t understand.
Dan, I totally understand. The healing process is not linear. I am all over the place throughout the day. Sometimes I’ll be falling asleep and remember he’s dead and wake up panicking. My heart is with everyone going through this. It sucks. I have another cat and small dog who I love just as much. The difference is that I truly saw pickles as my son. It’s crazy, I know. I worry so much about where he is now and if I’ll be with him again.
I’m so sorry about Nudges and his brother. It’s heart breaking. But we can’t not own cats just to save us from grief. We give them the best life we can as I’m sure Nudges and pickles had.
It’s just not fair that people don’t accept a pets death to be equivalent of a family member. I wish I could change that.
DanC

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Posts: 27
 #5 
Your relationship and love for Pickles is not weird, but rather very special. I try to remind myself from time to time, that us humans who love control and perceive we have more control of the future, can really only control one thing and that is today. Last November, my wife and I were discussing that we either need to move or renovate. However, that decision would wait as we did not want our boys to be stressed. We felt that since our boys were healthy, they would be with us for another two to three years. Less than six months later, both of our boys are gone, due to age. We feel guilty about even approaching the topic of renovating or moving as it seems to cheapens our love for our boys. My heart goes out to you as it feels like there is a hole in heart. I’m not sure if the wound will ever fully heals, but rather it leaves behind some scar tissue behind, so we are reminded of that unique and special love we were fortunate to experience. I just try to remember my boys are no longer in pain or suffering.
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 126
 #6 
I feel your pain. I lost my Akita, Katsu, last Sunday and its been brutal. He was only 7 and what happened was so fast or absolutely floored me. Like you, he was my soul, a miracle sent into my life. I can't pretend to know how this world works. I can only say we give all of our love and care to our furry family and in return they give us something no human can. They are amazing..enjoy those experiences and memories when you can. Grieve, cry and talk to them when you need to. Know you aren't alone and I am sorry for your loss
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 171
 #7 
Our pets are like our children.  We love them unconditionally just as they love us unconditionally, we want to protect them and provide for them.  Your grief is real and it's painful and it's acknowledged by all of us here.  There may be a grief counselor that specializes in supporting those that have lost pets.  Additionally, there may be pet loss support groups where everyone is going through the same thing, may be due to different reasons but in the end it's the same thing.   Of course, not everyone wants to seek this kind of service, everyone has to process their pain and loss in their way.  Your grief and pain are acknowleded, I'm so sorry you are going through this. 
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