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Kurina4Ever

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Posts: 1
 #1 
First time user of it matters.. I'm not very good at writing but I don't know what else to do. I lost someone very special to me on Friday November 10. She was the most perfect baby you could ask for. Her name Kurina. I adopted my baby back in November 2011. She really was perfect. I love everything about her. She was independent often.. as most cats are. But only early on. I showed her so much love that even things she hated like being picked up changed. It took a couple years but she would literally jump in my arms any chance she got and just lay there and give me hugs and on rare occasions kisses too. Her favorite spot to lay was on my foot. And she'd roll over and look at me with those eyes waiting for her belly rub. She was always the first thing I saw in the morning. She would lay on my chest after the first sign of movement and paw at my face with constant meows it was pointless, sleep was over she decided. And boy did she love her treats, you'd think they weren't natural. It's so hard to write this. But I want to share her story. She's always been a trouble maker. Blocking the tv and knocking any liquid filled glass over she could find. I never could get mad at her though as she just wants attention. You know I was just saying last week that my baby still had most of her life left and I really wanted to make it even better. This is something I think about often. I honestly thought she'd outlive her brother and sister. A chiweenie and a chihuahua. I'm a 23 year old male and it feels like I'm expected to get over this quickly.. well anyway. On Thursday morning she started acting a bit different. Definitely under the weather, she wasn't moving very quickly and seemed really cold. I immediately took her into my lap and a warm blanket. I pet her for at least 30 minutes and she looked comfortable. Only I knew something was wrong but for a moment she seemed better. She wasn't purring like she normally does when I love her. But she was drinking. I wanted to take her to the vet right away but I didn't have money until the next day at 3pm. I knew something wasn't right it didn't feel like when she normally got sick. I felt I knew just then that if I didn't do something she would not make it to pay. I desperately called while crying histericaly that if I didn't take her in she would die. I called more than 20 local places all refusing to see her without money at time of visit. She got worse very quickly. She kept collapsing every time she tried to stand and she tried to run once and literally fell into the wall. I took care of her all day while still desperately searching for a solution. No family could help. I watched her and kept her warm with a heater. Every 5 minutes or so she would let out extremely loud meows of obvious pain. I knew it was close and I told her it was ok to go if she needed. She wasn't responsive much anymore, wouldn't react to sound or light very heaving breathing. I stayed up with her through morning and at about 3:15 am one more outburst of pain and one last breath as I loved her and told her I love her, and just like that she was gone. And I instantly just went crazy I couldn't control my emotion crying so hard I couldn't breath my wife trying to calm me down. I don't even know what caused this. Since then I haven't been the same. I feel dead inside. No reason to keep going. I've had a pretty messed up life and throughout animals are all I've had to cope. But I've never been as close as I was to her. My brain can't seem to accept she's gone. She had so much time left only 6 years old. I keep seeing her she's always Been right there no matter what I was doing. So every time I look up I think I see her and instantly remember. I cry constantly no matter where I am public or not. I have this light on the side of my bed and she would always stand right on top and block the light. Last nite a fly landed on it and blocked the light and I immediately looked over to see my baby but.. Well I didn't sleep last nite. I literally can't function. I'm not sure how to end this but I just want to say I love you So much Kurina baby. I will never forget you and I'm so sorry I couldn't help you. I miss you so much.


Hey guys I really want to thank you for trying to help. I'm glad there are some people who care about animals as much as me. It just feels there aren't many. Maybe I was just raised in a bad area but pets seem more like toys to my family and friends than loving baby's. I literally feel as I've lost a child. I've had family pass that didn't affect me this bad. Anyway thanks again everyone, it does help but I feel this emptiness will last forever. I really wish the best for all of you and your precious baby's. Please spoil them as much as you can. I love you Kurina you will never be forgotten.
TatiRivs

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #2 
I feel your pain. It could be mine.  It feels very similar. I had a different horrible tragedy happen only yesterday. One I am still convinced that I could have avoided and I am at fault. It is slowly starting to change. Day two is really horrible but is a tiny fraction better than day one. Less hysteria. More deep depression (for me at least)

I am slowly (very slowly) coming to terms that tragic outcomes sometimes just happen and there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome. You could have made it to the vet with all the money in the world. The outcome could have been the same. Or something else down the road. A freak accident, cancer. You will never know.  You also can't control it. Every life has an end date. With pets it is very often that their life will end before yours. Whether it is natural or a tragic accident. It is never easy. There is no good way to say goodbye. I kept focusing on the fact that mine was taken at only age 2. Not enough time. If I had her for 18 years and she was taken, it still would not have been enough time. I would have still been angry that she had left after being with me for so long, the bond only greater, the void even larger. 

You will get better. That I know. There isn't a specific date when that will happen but it will happen. I have unfortunately had other tragedies. 2 car hits that I have lived through. I can remember them but the pain I feel when I do is not the way it was when I was in that moment. Those early days.  I feel sadness but peace and gratitude for the time I had. Acceptance that death is part of life and comes in many forms.

These forums help a lot, they are the only things helping. Reading your post and responding is helping me, so thank you for that. I encourage you to do the same. Keep crying and letting that energy out. It is physically exhausting but it is better in the long/short run if you do.

Also, very slowly try to do something normal. A really small baby step. Laundry or organizing a drawer. Something productive but small that you don't need a lot of brain power for. That can trip you up. Accept that you won't be normal for a bit. Tell coworkers you had a family tragedy, you don't have to go into the details. Take the time to heal and don't feel because you are a male that you shouldn't feel that way. My husband is just as gutted as me as would be expected given how much he loved that cat. That is the main reason why you feel the way you do. It is the love you are missing. You want it back.

It will get better. You will be able to find peace and look back at the time you had lovingly and full of gratitude. You did the right thing looking for someone to talk to that understands.

Hang in there.







dc0000

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #3 
I am so sorry for your loss. I relate so much. I lost my handicapped bird Friday the 10th, also. :( i don't have many words but that I relate with almost everything you said. my prayers are with us all. sending love. <3
dc0000

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #4 
<3
eeblake

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #5 
Tearing up reading your story. Your reactions are all normal...you suffered a traumatic experience! She was part of your family. My Sweet dog Bananas passed sudden of Monday morning. We went to the vet and they outcome was the same. I was a wreck for two days, thinking the same things as you. Don't torture yourself with the what if's. She knows you loved her to the fullest. She's happy crossing the rainbow bridge. She loved you and would never want you to torture yourself with guilt. It gets better day by day....crying is your bodies way of expressing the trauma...it helps and it's healthy! Give yourself time to mourn, you will be able to have fond memories of her without all the heartache in the future. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
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