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shadowsmama

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Posts: 67
 #1 
I will never get another pet! and I'm going to have to do this like 9 more times in my life because I have 8 cats(remaining!!) and a dog! This is terrible and today for some mysterious reason has been so bad! Its like the only way i was able to really relax and be peaceful was when he was snuggled up to me with my face in his fur and his face in my ear purring. I think he was my security blanket
I miss him so much. My sweet little buddy who

LOVED ME!!!!!!


I NEVER would have gotten any of them if I had only known how this was going to feel. YES thats right... I WOULD have missed "the dance" and this complete heart crushing agony and wicked ANGER (still almost 2 months later)!!! NO matter how much I get on this site and try to tell other people that "it'll get better in time" or that "we will one day feel better"....... THATS WRONG! this SHADOWless life is never feel right I'm going to miss him everyday FOREVER and I don't want to!
I am Not trying to bring everyone down....but with the way I feel today my choices were say it here OR start screaming this in the faces of people who cross my path :o

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Loudpurring

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Posts: 774
 #2 
I know. People kind of freak out when you scream that in their faces. they also roll their eyes alot.
 
I have said the same thing, but one always seems to find me and then I have to take them in. With 8 cats and a dog, you should be good for a while. And who knows, after you go through this pain 9 more times you will feel different, I doubt it. Although the human mind and phsyci can withstand so much suffering.
 
I wish you well
rupertsmum

Registered:
Posts: 820
 #3 
So sorry you are having a bad day.  They come frequently with me as well.  When I had to pts Rupert in Jan.  I said I would never have another cat but my life without a cat would not be a life.  I love cats, always have done and I have lost many since being a child.

You are O.K. to be angry, sad and all other emotions.  You have suffered a great loss and are grieving.  Last night all I wanted to do was cuddle Rupert's soft fur and hear his gentle purr but that is no more so I ended up crying myself to sleep again.  I still have his identical sister but they are nothing alike.  Rupert was my best friend and companion.  He saw me through sickness, pregnancy and seeing him made my days complete. I don't believe there will be another cat like him in my life.  I wanted to go with him when he left.  Now my days are sad and depressing, so I do understand the pain.  I have been told it will get better and yes I do feel now I can put on a front when out but when alone I can be myself and cry if I want. Rupert has been gone 20 weeks and sometimes I can't remember that loving feeling of his cuddles.  I wrote a story of his life and that helped me - everything from the day I got him that I could remember and I enlarged photos and I talk to him.  A medium told me his spirit is around me and I live with that as thinking I will never see him is too hard.

I hope Rupert and Shadow are running free at the Rainbow Bridge, free of pain.

Rupert and Shadow please come and give us a sign you are O.K. and give us some comfort tonight.  Thinking of you Ruperts Mum
katebock

Registered:
Posts: 686
 #4 
Elizabeth

I am so sorry that you are having such a terrible day.  I have been there myself many times.  I know that at 2 months you feel that these feelings should start to diminish and you should not feel so much emptiness, sadness and anger, but we all heal in different ways.  I couldn't even post on this site for the first 2 mo. after I lost my kitty Gus.  All I could manage doing was coming here to read other posts and cry my eyes out.  I was also SO angry at times that I just had to scream. I was totally P*SSED off at God for taking my Gus.  I questioned WHY for months.

My Gus was like your Shadow--he loved me.  I could see it in his eyes every time he looked at me.  I also loved to bury my face in his soft silky fur.  GOD how I miss that.  But, for me the intense pain finally passed.  It has been 6 1/2 months since Gus left me.  At the 6 month mark, I suddenly realized that I needed another kitty.  I have two other kitties, but there was just something missing in our house.  I found another kitty, which I will post about on another thread.  My point is that I have been where you are, but eventually these feelings passed and I moved on to another phase of healing.  I know my Gus had a hand in this.  He was there to guide me. 

 This stupid grieving process takes so many different forms and I know that you just want these terrible feelings to be over so you can feel "normal" again.  Just allow yourself to express whatever you are feeling.  We all understand and are here to listen.

Thinkings of you,
Kate (Gus'mom)

WooWooWoo

Registered:
Posts: 5,100
 #5 
Dear Elizabeth,

I am so sorry you are feeling such sorrow and pain.  After Betsy passed, I had a WHOLE week (which hit me at week six after she passed) where I felt exactly like you are feeling.  I posted and a kind soul on this site wrote that I was experiencing "a bump in the road of grief" and WOULD feel better.   He was correct.

I like to call these "bumps" boulders or potholes....heck, some are even sinkholes.   They are there and they are painful.  But, the road is not always so rocky or treacherous, trust me on this.  Your loss is still very new, so this is to be expected.   Sometimes it helps to post more when these hard times hit us; sometimes it helps to not post.   You have to decide what is best for you.   I just want you to know I truly understand your feelings as I have been there.   I am here for you, as are so many others, dear friend, as you mourn your sweet Shadow.  

Hugs,
Melissa


AngelJax

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #6 
I can't even tell you that I feel the exact same way. After losing my precious baby monday night I can't ever begin to think about ever having more pets and I too still have one more cat left. But this death was the icing on the cake. I cannot get over his death even though I try to come on here and read others stories and know I'm not alone in how I am feeling. And I talk to friends and family and can smile for a brief second and then I'm back to knowing that my baby isn't going to come home. I think about the future and I feel a sense of emptiness. My baby was supposed to grow older with me (even though I'm still young) but I wanted him to be living long enough to see me get married, move into our first home, some day have children and maybe be here to be by there side if I was lucky enough. I blame myself sometimes for I fear I didn't do enough. But I know my precious baby is looking down on me and he is wishing for me to get better. But I too feel as though I can never be put through this pain.
 
A friend once said after my first cats death 6 months ago, "it was better to have loved her then to have never loved her at all" and after my Jax's death the other night I thought "no I wish I didn't love him bc it's too painful" but after 4 days I feel as though maybe she's right. I had the BEST and I do mean BEST 6 years with him. And I think had I not adopted him he would of been someone else's cat. They would have gotten the love from him and not me. Or perhaps he would have never made it past the shelter. Whatever the reason may be I was lucky that he chose me as his mommy and I do believe he chose me. I could of selected any cat that day but he was the one that won over my heart.

Becky57

Registered:
Posts: 657
 #7 

I do know how you feel.  I am almost 12 weeks and am sitting here trying to start the day at 2:30 in the afternoon.  The only thing I know for sure no other animal or person on earth will ever make me feel the way I feel now.  It doesn't matter if another animal finds its way to me, my heart can never be broken like this again because I will never love like that again.  Sorry you are having such a hard time.....it is just devastating.  He is such a beautiful boy.

SammyBirdMom

Registered:
Posts: 13
 #8 
I am so sorry for your loss and the pain it has caused you. I know how you feel. Sammy was my only pet for the last 15 or so years. I can't imagine getting another bird, because he cannot be replaced and there can be none like him - he was such a special individual. I want HIM back! When I was worried that he was getting old and might be sick I told him he was not "allowed" to leave me yet as I wasn't ready to lose him just yet. Unfortunately he was unable to stay. I'm sure he tried, but something big overcame him - and in an instant he was gone.

I'm not really at a place in my life where it would be wise to bring any animal into my life. I love cats and dogs as well as birds so there are many options, but I just can't do it right now. Maybe one day, but for now the home which used to be filled with the energy of his presence and the sound of his voice is now and empty, hollow and silent space.

But as painful as it is to be without him, I will never regret the day that I brought that beautiful little soul home to live with me 19 years ago. He touched my life in so many ways and became a part of me in a way I never imagined. I'm sure the same can be said for you and Shadow and everyone else who has been lucky enough to find a furry or feathered soulmate.

Excerpt from "For Good" (from the musical, "Wicked") -just substitute "furbabies" or "featherbabies" for "people" and the meaning is the same...

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

---------------

Elna, Sammy's Mom
mollyboltsmom

Registered:
Posts: 991
 #9 
I have a friend who lost her beloved German Shepherd several years ago. Things were tenuous for Paddy Boy from the git go; he started out his young life with parvo. She got him through that. Later, he had more problems. She lost him when he was only 6 years old.
Her life during those six years was very unsettled what with bad marriage and problems on the job. She was devastated when she found him gone when she came home from work.
While she still had him with her, she divorced. She said that she believed that he felt he was able to leave because she was finally strong enough to stand on her own. She felt that he didn't think his protection was necessary any more against an abusive husband. His job was done.
She still misses him, these years later. She still has his housemate, a pit bull mix. Nothing will ever replace Paddy Boy in her heart.
My prayers are with you as you try to adjust to a life you do not want.
Molly's Mom
shadowsmama

Registered:
Posts: 67
 #10 
For a while there I was able to look at some pictures and I was ok. The only time I would cry about it was when my husband or someone would talk about him. I could come here to this site and if I didn't stay too long or read too much I was ok. I was even starting to be able to joke around a be silly ....... But over the last few days I can't! I start to cry about him out of the blue. And then last night I LITERALLY felt like i was going to throw up when i walked over that place in the hall out side my bedroom where he died...died while probably thinking "why wont she come out and help me, I'm scared and I can't breath!!!!"
Oh my God!!

see there! this is just what I'm talking about! Obsessing.

I hate to even walk through that hall. I practically jump over that spot. Even while I was running to the bathroom in kidney stone hell last month I took that huge step over it.
Its victorian style carpet with the big roses here and there and he died with his head right on one of them so I know the EXACT place. and its almost like his poor little body is still there when I look down. every time I pass by my mind sees it in full detail! I am horrified over and over again every day. I swear if I could afford it i'd sell my house and move just to never have to look at that terrible place again. At the very least I'm gonna have to replace that carpet which I use to really like.... its a constant damn reminder!
I'm rambling now....see how crazy I am...i keep hoping I'm just hormonal or something, which is very likely, and maybe this !sadness! will quiet away again in a few days.....IDK

so this is how crazy i am...I opened my bedroom door and took a picture of the hall to SHOW you...Good God! I'm gonna post this psycho message take a xzanax and go to sleep. If I don't I'll go on like this, typing away for hours.

Thanks you. i think its sweet how we all seem want so badly to ease the others pain on this site. i can feel how sincere you are in the things you write. BTW-I have come to think of the people here as "the Others". Isn't that strange. What do I mean by that I wonder.
also I have a myspace if anyone wants to see the less crazy, rest of my life. its http://www.myspace.com/eatonlizard

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I miss you big boy!
rupertsmum

Registered:
Posts: 820
 #11 
My Rupert was pts outside on the swing seat with me holding
him and for the longest time I used to sit there.  It gave me comfort as that was where his spirit left his body.  Even though I have now moved the swing seat for winter I still enjoy sitting where his little body was held.  It gives me a closeness that I am fast losing, a connection to him.  So sorry you are finding it hard to get past the place where he
passed.  He knew you loved him and where they die is not as important as how their lives have been.

Before the vet came, Rupert was dying on the grass just down below the swing seat.  I laid flowers around the area as it made me sad to look at it.  It just makes me a little sad when I see the area.  Hope you had a good sleep and start to feel better.  Ruperts Mum   
maerlyn

Registered:
Posts: 1,604
 #12 
I feel sorry for you because you insist upon depriving yourself of love.  You're young - if you're not married, don't!  Your husband may go Home before you do.  If you don't have children, don't!  They may go Home before you.  Divest yourself of all friends and family, for they may go Home before you.  And if I furchild just happens to come your way, you will also turn him/her away? Because your fear of pain is greater than your ability to love? 

Love is not love unless it's given away; by locking your love for Shadow away, you'll cause it to wither.  I know whereof I speak, for I've had many, many furchildren go Home during my 63 years.  In fact, I have two bridgedays coming up this week: Shade's second is on Monday, and Merlin's seventh will be on Thursday.  My Sweet Lady has been Home just over 4 months - and they're only the most recent ones.  If I had had your attitude years ago, I would have not adopted any more - and what sorrow and growth I would  have missed out on!  Furthermore, since they're all mine forever, waiting at the Bridge for me, the thought of going there myself makes me smile (though I'm not ready just yet - there are still 6 here on need me).

No one's happiness should depend upon just one person; it constricts the life and the heart.  The Creator blessed you with Shadow; can you not be grateful for that?  And because Shadow was in your loving care here on Earth, he is yours forever; your reunion will be eternal.  Isn't that cause for joy?

Grief has many stages, and anger is one of them.  It's perfectly normal, and this will pass for you (although I'm sure you don't believe that at this moment). You have to see the anger for what it is and then work througfh it.   It's physically unhealthy, too, even for a young woman.  The most helpful thing you can do *for yourself* is to be grateful, to say prayers of thanksgiving that Shadow is part of your life and your heart - forever.

May Shadow's Creator bless you with faith, where you will find peace.


mollyboltsmom

Registered:
Posts: 991
 #13 
I can understand what you're saying about the place in the hallway. Ten years ago, I came home from work to find my precious wirehaired fox terrier lying in a pool of blood by the back door. She was still alive, but just. I raced her to the vet, who took one look at her and said there wasn't anything to be done. I went home without her and cleaned up the blood pool. For months, I couldn't look at that corner of the room without seeing her lying there in her last minutes. I don't know if she was in pain at the time of the rupture; I certainly hope not.
We eventually closed off that door and made a new one to a deck. I don't have to pass over that area to go outside. But still now, after 10 years, I still look in that corner and see her lying there.
Time does help. But the image will always be with me.
I pray that you find some peace about this eventually.
Molly's Mom
shadowsmama

Registered:
Posts: 67
 #14 
Its weird that you say that Maerlyn, because that is so much like me. After my grampa died in March I find myself wanting to stay away from my gramma...it feels like if i stay away, don't think of her, harden my heart against her, try hard not to love her so much it won't be so bad when she finally goes to lay down next to him.
The thought of my husband and my daughter dieing before I do makes me want to run screaming off the nearest tall building. I lost a baby to a LATE miscarriage before I had my daughter and I think that has caused me to always be a little distant with her too. I don't know why I am this way! I subcontiously put up a lot of walls as a way of self protection. I don't like it, but I don't know how to be any other way. And I know if I had ever lost a pet before like this I would have never gotten any of them. A loveless live seems preferable to a life filled with so much pain and loss.
basil

Registered:
Posts: 1,205
 #15 
I am so sorry that you are feeling so low.  Unfortunately, if we let ourselves love, there is always the inevitable pain when we lose that loved one.  A world without love would be a pretty bleak place.  I know that I will always love, because the happiness I feel by loving and being loved, transcends the pain that I know I will have to go through eventually.

I have lost two sets of Grandparents, and both of my parents.  I have now lost 5 cats and 3 dogs, and that is on top of family pets when I was young.  But, I would rather have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. 

Thinking of you.  Much love, Di xxx
WooWooWoo

Registered:
Posts: 5,100
 #16 
Hi Elizabeth,

I agree 100% with Maerlyn.  I am writing now as I saw something in your last post that concerned me....your mention of distance from your grandmother since she lost her husband, and your distance from your daughter due to a miscarriage.   What you are saying is that you deprive people of love by distancing yourself from them so you won't feel pain.   Anger is part of grief, but what you have described is not.  It is something else entirely.

So, I took the time to read back through your threads and saw that you had written you have been dealing with a "wicked" depression.  You also mentioned you take medication for panic attacks.  As your doctor has probably told you, depression and panic can worsen with losses, so please be gentle with yourself.   Many people on this site have shared that they have sought counseling when they suffered the loss of their furchildren.   Since it sounds like you may already have a therapist, hopefully she or he can help you deal with your intense pain of loss, as well as your need to distance yourself from those who love and need you the most.   The latter actually concerns me the most as it is what can eventually wreak the most havoc in your life, and bring on even more pain for you. 

Please don't take offense at my comments.  It seems you are struggling so much with this loss, and the loss of your grandfather.  Two losses so close in time are hard for anyone.  My heart goes out to you.  You are correct when you say the people who post here are sincere and want to help others through their grief.  All of us are wishing you peace.

Hugs,
Melissa 
maerlyn

Registered:
Posts: 1,604
 #17 
Elizabeth, I'm writing to you now as someone who is a victim of a mother's "distancing," as you wrote that you distance yourself from your daughter. Please, please, please reconsider!  My mother, too, lost a child before I was born and distanced herself from me.  Now, when I'm 63 and she's nearly 92, there is no emotion in me for her.  She's my mother, and I respect her, but I feel nothing at all for her - which is a very sad thing.  A good friend of mine, whose mother died years ago, tells me how she remembers her mother's death, how she still misses her, still marks her birthday - and it brings tears to my eyes knowing that I've never known those feelings - and never will.  All I'll have to remember my mother by is, "Close the refrigerator door!"  Sounds funny, I know, but there it is.  So my mother is in assisted living (a recent situation), and all any of us feel is relief.  Is that how you want to end up as an old woman?  Please think about what you're doing to your daughter; from one who's been there, I can tell you that it's not a happy place to be.  You are responsible for your daughter's being born; you owe her more than being an excellent caretaker. She deserves a mother;  please see that she has one.

I can empathize, too, with how you feel about that spot in the carpet. Remember, in my last post, I mentioned that My Sweet Lady has been Home just over 4 months?  Well,  she was being treated for chylothorax, had been to the vet on Feb. 8, and he was satisfied with her progress; extensive bloodwork was normal.  On Feb. 16, I awoke, sat on the edge of the bed as I always do to thank the Creator for bringing us safely and quietly through the night - and when I glanced at the bedroom doorway, there was the body of My Sweet Lady.  I don't know exactly when she left; she never slept there, so she must've started to walk from the room - and just walked out of her body.  I stepped over the spot for several days, but now. . I don't think of it when I enter or leave the room. That doesn't mean that I don't love her or miss her; it just means that I accept that she's whole again, without need for medication or vet visits.  And each and every morning, I thank the Creator for taking her as He did - from her own Earthly home and, from what I could tell, quickly and gently.  I am so, so blessed in that!  We were spared that final trip to the hospital, which I thought was inevitable.

You say that a loveless life is better than the pain, but you are wrong.   A loveless life leaves a bitter, dessicated soul when you're old and frail.  You have much for which to be grateful; remember that Shadow is *yours* forever!  He's gloriously alive, perfectly healthy, and blissfully happy; you could want for him no more than he already has.  The most profound lesson you could learn from this pain is to be grateful, for you are mightily blessed.

May you learn to love before it's too late.

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