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ashleyh

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Posts: 1
 #1 
On April 9th, 2020 I called the vet and had them come out to my house to put my dog to rest and I can not forgive myself for my decision. I had been going back and forth for weeks, maybe even months. My dog was a fairly healthy 13 year old Lab. I have had him almost half my life. He started to develop arthritis pretty bad in his back legs. When he would sit down, it would take him a while to get into the laying position and the same thing when he would get back up. He had started falling on his face when he would try to go up the stairs and it had me so worried that I would come home to him woth a broken neck or leg. At times, he would fall if you accidentally ran into him or if he tried to move too quickly. At night, he would pace around like he was full of anxiety and couldn't get comfortable. It would drive me so crazy because I couldn't sleep. I would just hear his nails clicking on the floor all night. Now I would do anything to hear that sound again.

I made the decision after one very tiresome night of listening to him squirm around all night. The vet said she would come at 1230am so I didnt have much time to spend with him that day. I took a bunch of pictures of him and did everything I thought to prepare myself for what was going to come. But I was NOT prepared for this. The time came and my dad came over to be there for me. At this time, my dog was running around the yard playing with his favorite toy alligator. He seemed so happy and I should have let him stay that way. I just kept telling myself that he was going to keep falling and his legs were going to keep hurting. When the time finally came to put him down, he ran off with his alligator and wouldn't come to me. He wanted to play catch. I should have stopped and played with him but I didn't. I didn't want to keep the vet waiting. Afterall, she came all the way to my house to do this for me. So I lured him up onto his bed on the front porch with his toy and laid him down. The process began...and within 2 minutes my sweet boy was gone and the pain just sunk in. I watched him take his last breath and it was because I took it away from him.

I can't stop thinking and replaying that day in my head. I keep wishing I would have told her nevermind or stopped before he was given too much. I wish I would have tried pain medicine instead of going straight to euthanasia. I wish I would have played fetch with him like he wanted and kept him longer. I keep remembering how happy he was, how he could still walk, eat, and play. My regret is so full that it is paralyzing at times. It consumes my thoughts. I miss him so much every second and just want to go back and bring him back to me. I know I did it too soon and I can't take it back. I was just so set on how bad I felt for him when he tried getting up and down and how sad I was when he would fall. When I should have kept him away from the stairs and tried medicine to help his legs not hurt so much. I wish I had put a mattress on the floor and slept with him. Just so much pain is in my heart that it physically hurts. I read all of these stories of people that wait until their dogs are peeing and pooping in the house and on themselves and I didn't want to let me dog get to that point. But I feel like he still had so much time before that. I just don't know how to let go of this regret and guilt. I loved him so much and that day, I feel like he didnt know that because I didn't even play fetch. I just brought him up and let him slip away. How will I ever forgive myself?
Candice

Registered:
Posts: 28
 #2 
I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think you can see from reading the messages on  the board how everyone seems to have some kind of guilt and regret in their story. I think that after the fact sometimes we forget why we took the actions we did...how sick they looked and felt - our evaluation of their suffering - no one would let their beloved pet go with out going through some excruciating deliberation. 

We really try to do our best by them, and then it seems, even if we did, we have the regrets.

I hope you are able to be kind to yourself, as you were to your pup.
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