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Posts: 72
That Megan died. It's just not fair! She was the best friend anyone could ever wish for. She was so fun to be around. So well behaved. Such good company. She really deserved to stay here for more years and have a long earth life. We made sure she was so happy here and she gave us so much in return, I just can't understand why that part of our life had to end? Why Megans life had to end? She was a better person than me so why did she have to go? Why wasn't she allowed a long life?

I think it is affecting me that every day, several times a day I have to see the car that hit her. It wasn't the drivers fault, as she ran out chasing something but still it tears me apart to see that car and that wheel that hit her. The driver works at the hotel next to our house and every night on our way home from work we have to go past that car and see him singing and dancing in the bar area (he is an entertainer) and then we have to go in to an empty house with noone to welcome us. It comes over me often to just go and smash his car up, or slash that tyre. Don't worry, I wont do it, I know it wont bring Megan back, and I KNOW it wasn't the drivers fault, but it all just hurts so much. It's 5 weeks tomorrow and slowly I am getting used to her not being here, the thing that is upsetting me the most at the moment is the unfairness of her death, that she gave us so much and was such a good girl yet she was only allowed 5 years on earth.

I had a dream a few nights ago. Me and Megan were walking together in some sort of overgrown forest area, we were having such fun, she was a few steps ahead as always, leading the way, with her tail wagging and nose sniffing, then the path changed to like the top of a low wall, with a short drop each side and the trees had overgrown to cover the wall top, I was busy clearing some of the trees back so we could both pass, and didnt see that the wall was about to end, and after the end was a huge cliff edge. a strange netting was hanging over the end and Megan fell into the net, I was a couple of steps back and could see that if she squirmed to get out she would fall down the cliff and I was terrified, I shouted at her "STAY" a few times as I was rushing to grab her and then I woke up. I was in such a state! I NEVER wake from dreams unless it is morning and time to wake up anyway, and it was only 4.30am. I couldn't get back to sleep for about an hour. The horrid end to this dream and not knowing if I had saved her or if she had fallen completely ruined the miracle of the start of the dream. This is the only dream I have had of her since her accident.

Sorry this was so long. I had a need to get all of this out today.

Claire xx

Posts: 262
I felt the same way after my little River was killed by a car. I was angry too. It is all a part of the grief process. It is a long and exhausting journey. I have heard or read that it is easier to be angry than to be sad. The driver that hit River never slowed or braked. I still look for his car on the road and in nearly 10 months have never seen one just like it. Still, whatever would I do if I did spot it? 

Who could blame you for having those feelings when you have to see the driver and his car everyday. That would surely drive me crazy. It must make it much more difficult to make that transition from thinking of the way that Megan died to thinking only of Megan and all the joy she brought to your life. Is there any way you can avoid passing the hotel, like going home from the opposite direction? Is there some way you can distract your thoughts as you are passing the hotel?

I am sorry you had such a troubling dream. I think your mind is still feverishly trying to make sense of what happened and why. My thoughts are with you. 

Posts: 72
Yeah, I have read that anger is one of the stages. Re-reading my post shocks me because I am such a non-violent person. I hate to have even a slight disagreement, even as a teenager I always tried to avoid an argument with my siblings. I have never been in a physical fight in my life, have never broken anything in temper so my post about smashing the car shocked me. I have thought it a few times but seeing it in print is something different. Anyway, like you say, it is a normal part of this awful process.

Unfortunately, we can't go another way home as our shop is only 100m from our house and the other way round is about 2km. The hotel where he works will close for the winter in 10 days so after then we wont have to see it every day thank goodness.

I find it horrifying that the driver who hit River didn't brake. That's just not a human responce! I really think there is something wrong with that person. Did anyone get the number plate? I imagine it was travelling too fast for that. 

I am really in a place where I think I would benefit from another furbaby. It's 5 weeks tomorrow. It would hurt me I know to see another dog in Megans place (house I mean, not in her place in my heart) but the company of a furbaby is priceless and something I get great pleasure and peace from. My biggest dilemma is that I am not in a good place in my relationship with my Fiance at the moment. I have been considering leaving for over a year now and am still in the air about it, so I know there is no way I can get a furbaby now because if my relationship was to end I would leave the country and go back to my home country and my family and I dont know yet where I would live. Anyway I don't know why I am writing this, it's just that I really feel a furbaby could help me heal or just be less lonely and I am sad I dont have that option. 

Posts: 262
I wish I could advise you. Everyone is different. A new furbaby helped us with our grief, but you have a lot going on in your life right now. Breaking up is hard to do as they say and it might be difficult to manage the needs of a new baby in the midst of the turmoil of a break up and a major move. Once things are settled, it may be a wonderful way to mark the beginning of a new chapter in your life. Only you can decide. Would it be possible to foster a dog or volunteer at a shelter. A lot of people here benefit from doing that. 

I am so glad that hotel is closing. Don't worry about sounding violent. Grief prompts us to think in very uncharacteristic ways. Everyone here understands as you probably have already learned. My son made some very violent threats if he ever learned who the driver was. I know he would never act on those thoughts. It is just a different expression of grief. For my part, I wrote a letter to the driver and posted it in the parking lot near the spot that he was hit. Who knows, it's a small world, and maybe word was passed along. 

No one got the plate number. A conservation officer stopped moments later to help and took the description of the vehicle and left to look for it but we never heard from him. Most likely he didn't find him.

I am sorry you are sad. It must be difficult to be away from the comfort of your own home and family. 

Posts: 26
Dear Claire,

I am so sorry about the loss of your precious Megan. They really do steal our hearts and souls.

I lost my baby 1 1/2 weeks ago, this is the link to our sad story. She was only 2 years old. I am also in the stages of "Why did she have to die so soon? It's not fair!" Oh, but we loved her with all our hearts.

I'm also sorry to hear of the upheaval in your personal life, having to consider such dramatic changes. I will pray that you find strength and peace to help you through these tough times.


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