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Posts: 774
It was so many years ago. 1988, I had broken my tail bone, I was young. The first day I could walk I went with my livin boyfriend. We walked around the town and by a pet store and there was a little tiny kitten much smaller that the rest sick getting beat up etc. i took her I loved her. She loved me but i think se lovedhim more. he was very sick and did not work the last 3 years we were together, so he was home with her all the time. I eventually broke up with him and he kept her and moved back up north with his parents. That was in 1992. i spoke to him a few times over the phone. I always asked about her. She was one of the first cats to have an automatic litter box. i spoke to him in 1998 and we argued on the phone. he said I had been"a good little woman" or "woman" whatever  it was i got mad and yelled at him and hung up. i don't know how much after that I had a message on my answering machine and it said that he was "no more". I called my Dad and he said he had died. My first gut instinct was 'my Cat" i called his mom and had to wait until she told me all the horrible details of his death and offered my condolences, and then i asked her. she said that my ex had ruptured a vein in his esophagas and was taken to the hospital where upon awakening from anesthesia slipped into a coma(weird thing is on the day he slipped into the coma i had this nightmare of ..doesn't matter)
So... he is in a coma for 10 days he is brain dead and she pulls the plug at day ten. a day or two after she remembers only when his frind tells her what about the cat. She goes to the apartment and the cat (who was so shy she would always hide  from people) jumps into her arms. She even said how this cat was his baby etc. She doesn't miss a beat though and takes her down to the vet to have her either adopted out which the vet says they cant do because she is unfriendly or have her euthanized. So i said 'Why i have a brother within 5 miles of you he would have taken her and sent her to me or I could have been there in 1 day to get her" She says well i was to busy thinking about my dieing son. How do you answer that? i didn't care. I asked her which vet and i called them. They were real funny on the phone. As soon as i said who i was they put the doctor on the phone and he said he didn't know anything about her. But i knew. I could tell by the lies falling out of his mouth 500 miles and int my ears. i knew. That was 10 years ago. she would mabey be dead by now. i don't know why this is getting to me so much that i have to write but it is. over and over i have gone through this in my head She was starving in that apartment for 10 days amazing she made it alive only to have that ..... takes her and euthanise her knowing full on well she didn't have to. She lost her son, i get that but you know wht it wasn't the cats fault he died. She didn't have to kill her. She knew where my brother was enough to tell him that he had died. Why not tell him about the cat at the same time. this is stupid of me i have a million heart wrenching stories of loss in my head all the time why pull this one up now? i don't know

there are so many of these ghosts in my mind in my soul all the time so many to many ghosts for this. i have made so many mistakes in my life
thank you for listening i you have made it this far.

Posts: 1,205
Dear Friend, hope that you dont mind me calling you that but I have read so many of your posts that I feel that I almost know you, and that you are someone who I would like to be friends with.
Your story of that little Kitty was so sad, and as you say, the outcome didnt have to be that way.  Bless her.......
As I said before, I have been coming here since the beginning of this year.  Your replies to posts are so warm and loving, you have given comfort to so many here.  Sometimes, we can give too much and then we need the TLC.  You are a kind and compassionate soul, and it sounds like you need to be kind to yourself.  You say that you have made so many mistakes in your life, who hasnt, you would be surprised what a long list I have.  I have always tried to be kind, but there are times over the years that I have hurt people, or been unthinking in my actions.  Please forgive yourself, you are worth forgiving you know.
Strangely I had the same sort of conversation with a friend yesterday.  He is always the tower of strenghth to his family and friends, people always go to him with their problems, but all of a sudden he has hit rock bottom.  It happens when we give so much, I think that it drains us.
I am so sorry that you are down.  Love, Di xxx

 I am sending you a rainbow from all of the little furry souls you have helped, and their people.  Please look at it, it is full of love for you

Posts: 686
Dear Heather,

It is strange how these "ghosts" creep into our thoughts.  They are always there locked away somewhere in our brain, but for some reason they surface.  Caring, compassionate people like you are touched by so many innocent little animals.  It is no wonder that at times you are overwhelmed by the enormity of the pain and suffering you see.  It is also no wonder that you are affected by the stupidity and cruelty of some people.  As you said, she could have taken the cat to your brother.  Sounds like she had no compassion for animals and just wanted to get it out of her way.  I just don't understand people like that. 

Take some time to reflect on all of the furbabies and their parents that you have helped.  You are truly a gift from God. 



Posts: 26
Dear loudpurring,
You have been so kind to respond to my posts about my 23 yr old cat with cancer and I wanted to be of some encouragment to you as well if I can.   I think everyone who loves furbabies, as everyone here does, has some memory of a furbaby that haunts them.    There is no good answer to what happened to your sweet kitty and the sad thing is that the mother and the vet could have done the right thing, but chose not to.    I am so sorry for your pain and I hope you will allow yourself the chance to heal from that.  The good news is that your kitty is happy at the Bridge and you WILL see her again.  I hope that knowledge will bring you some comfort when the bad memories try to creep in.
Take care.

Posts: 699
Sending you lots of hugs, Loudpurring.

Katharine, Grunt's Mom Forever

Posts: 227
I read your words very slowly in this post and I found myself totally engrossed and understanding so much of what you wrote.  I don't have any answers; but I do have similar questions which I would like answers to as well.  Guess we just do the best that we can and trust that someday our questions will be answered!
Inner peace,
Snuggy's Mum

Posts: 251
Hi Loudpurring,

I am so sorry that these thoughts are haunting you so. I know what that is like and it is all consuming. You are an animal lover, and to have this happen is incomprehensible to you. Your cat survived ten days without food which is a miracle, and then for them to have her euthanized, it is just crazy.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with all this. Just take the time to think about everything and mourn for your baby. Although it is long ago, time doesn't heal wounds. Maybe your kitty has found your other baby.

A big cuddle to you,

Nuggetsmum Alana

Posts: 5,100
Dear Heidi,

I am so sorry these "ghosts" are haunting you right now.  You know, most of us have at least one skeleton story/memory that just hangs out in our closets, ready to pop out any minute and haunt the hell out of us.  I am just so sorry for the loss of that kitten.

One of these days I will share my story of Fredricka with you.  It haunts me almost as much as my little Arthur does.  Both stories make me sick to my stomach.

Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and wishing you PEACE, my friend.


Posts: 1,328

Maybe it's in your mind now because you're better able to handle it or get a new perspective on it. I think these things come up when we're ready to take them on. Take care.


Posts: 9
Dear LoudPurring:  I agree with the other posts -you have always offered comfort and I hope we can return the favor now. 

You found this little sick kitty, rescued her from harsh conditions and you gave her a wonderful life and when you separated from you ex, you did a very noble deed and let him keep her.  This little kitty comforted him during his illness and no doubt he would have been equally outraged that his little one was abandoned and then just treated as so much extra baggage instead of the living, breathing wonderful creature that she was.

I sense you are a very strong and just person - I believe if you had known of the situation, you would not have hesitated to take action - as soon as you did know, you did what you could - called the vet and tried to find out what had happened to this kitty.  I don't know of anything else you could have done. 

It makes me so very angry that some people treat animals with such disregard - that mom may have lost her son and was obviously grieving, but why didn't she recognize that her son loved that kitty so very much, and for that reason alone, why didn't she respect that bond and behave differently?  No creature is disposable. 

You are right to be angry about this woman's callous treatment of this kitty but don't make yourself sick about it.  This little kitty, whereever she is, knows what you did for her and that you loved her and so did your ex.  In the end, love and compassion are what we all remember and what are the most important - I believe you are brimming with both and hope that you find solace in these postings.  Peace and Joy to you, Zazoo

Posts: 774


Thank you all for listening to me whine. I haven’t been to work in about a week (due to something really stupid from 25 years ago, has nothing to do with my job) and when I don’t have animals to help I kind of loose it a bit. I have bought my cats many new toys and a new litter pan and I have harassed the un neutered male cat that hangs around and have now turned my cat into a stray feral (there is only one) cat haven. That poor cat he is like “Lady I need my space”. Poor guy.

Dear Di,

Of course you can call me friend. And thank you for your kind words it helps.

Dear Kate,

It’s Heidi !! You know there is a doctor at my work I really respect that still thinks my name is Carrie. Why because the first time he didn’t get it rite I didn’t say anything and it has got to the point where now I am to embarrassed to say anything now. I didn’t want that to happen here. With the Doc, he has been calling me Carrie for 1 year now.

You are very intuitive. But you already know that. My ghosts are so many I have thought about starting a pet ghost sanctuary in my head, or maybe I already have. Thank you for understanding.

Dear heart cat,

Thank you when your grief is so raw to console me. I can’t tell you how much that means.

Dear Katharine,

Hugs back. Lots too

Dear Christine,

I want to thank you for relating to me and helping me know I am not alone in my pain and confusion to the human mind of some.

Dear Alana;

Wow, you got it all rite. So I probably don’t even have to say thank you because you already know . And yes maybe she has. I am sure she has.

Dear Melissa,

I know that you must have this happen to you too. Hurts a lot but what can you do but deal with it. Thank you for everything you have always been so supportive to me and you give the advice of someone who really cares and understands. Thank you.

Dear Zazoo,

Thank you for sharing my anger and disbelief in how this woman could have been so ….. Can’t even find the words for it and I don’t want to get upset again. You are so rite no living being should ever be disposable. Thank you.


Thank you to everyone. I don’t know what happens I just get these episodes of grief and despair and it doesn’t matter how long ago it was it still hurts. I don’t know why. Maybe because I never allow myself to get over “it”. But like I have said before why get over “it” when “it” is all you have to hold on to.

Thank you again so much for all your support.



Posts: 774

Correction: I have turned my car....CAR into a feral cat home. Not my CAT. Darn those typos. I would never allow a feral cat to live in my CAT. My CAR that's another story. I don't care about the car so I leave the windows down and put food and water on the back seat so the feral cat that hangs around doesn't get to cold or wet etc. He likes it in there so much he has sprayed inside as an appreciation. I am not driving it now anyway. My cat both of them Rusty and his nameless girlfriend are inside as always not being turned into feral cats or having feral cats live in them. Can't believe I posted that ith that typo


Posts: 1,205
Dear Heidi
Glad you are back to you again, but feel free to be non you whenever you want.  You do make me giggle so........Love Di xxx

Posts: 24
Dear Heidi,

My heart goes out to you.  Please know that you are not alone, for so many of us carry our own ghosts in our hearts and minds.  Sometimes I think that the pain of the loss and sorrow we experience is the price one pays for  compassion and love. Do not dwell on what you could not do for your little one, but focus on what you have done and continue to do for other furchildren who find you.   Be kind to yourself.

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