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spookersmom

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Posts: 4
 #1 
My beloved cat died last July and I am still struggling so much with losing her.  I adopted her the day after I got my first apartment after college and she moved to 8 states with me; she was the love of my life.  I did not expect her passing at all even though she had been ill for a few months (incontinence and clogged anal glands).  Her last day was a Sunday and we woke up and her mouth was filled with blood, and when we took her to the emergency vet, they said she had a heart murmur which made it so she would likely pass if they gave her anesthesia to see what was wrong, kidney failure, was likely in end stage cancer, and recommended that we put her down as she was in pain.  We wanted to wait until our vet opened the next day (Monday) but after sitting with her for several hours and watching the light slowly go out of her eyes and listening to her moan every time I moved away (I ordered her a ton of her favorite food via delivery and only went to answer the door) she seemed to be suffering so much that we took her in.  I had never had a pet before and I was just stupid with grief.  I could not bear to be with her during the euthanasia (I held her for an hour before the vet took her in) and my husband and I let the vet take her after she reassured us that she would make sure Spookers was held. 

My husband keeps telling me that I was so overwhelmed and that I made the only decision I could in the moment but I should have been stronger for my baby.  I regret it so much.  I hate myself for not staying with her during her very last moments.  I have been reading the articles about how selfish and cowardly I was, and I don't know how I can ever forgive myself.  

I don't know whether anyone here can say anything to help me, or if I deserve to be helped, but I didn't know what else to do so I wrote this.

cosesmom

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Posts: 529
 #2 
You poor thing, I am so sorry that you have carried this guilt for so long. Please understand that you are not selfish or cowardly. You did what was best at the moment. Each person has to determine how much they can take. Some of us stay until the very end, some of us let others help out and then there are the ones who just can't be there. We all understand and we never judge. I hope you didn't get an impression that some would call you selfish or a coward. Spooker knows how much you loved her and she of all us understands. There is nothing to forgive. I had a hard time handing over Termy after he passed, I wanted to hold him forever because I was afraid that no one there would take as good of care with him as I did. We all have our demons (so to speak). I have many regrets but I've chosen not to let that last few moments over shadow all the wonderful memories we shared for over 16 years. Please remember the journey you shared with Spooker.
Be gentle and forgive yourself. Spooker doesn't blame you and I'm sure she knows you are her hero. You were brave and ended her suffering and you unselfishly let her go.
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
spookersmom

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Posts: 4
 #3 
Thank you so much for your kind words, Termy's mom.  My husband says that I need to realize that I did the wrong thing, accept the blame for abandoning Spookers when she did need me the most because I couldn't handle it, internalize that and then move on because people make mistakes, but I am having so much trouble doing that because if I really did abandon her like that, she didn't deserve that at all.  I will work on being gentler with myself, and try to comfort myself with knowing that Spookers loved me very much and forgives me.  She always was there when I needed her, and she always put me first, so I am sure that she is the same now that she is at the Rainbow Bridge.  

Thank you again for your kind words.  You have touched me more than I can express, and I am so grateful.
cosesmom

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Posts: 529
 #4 
Dear Spookersmom,
Please don't let your husband or anyone else tell you that you abandoned Spooker. I know that she understands and doesn't blame you for not staying. Sometimes those last visions we have of our pets haunt us for a very long time. I was torn wanting to stay with Termy and not wanting those last few moments to keep replaying in my mind. It's taken me a very long time to put those pictures in the farthest recesses of my mind. Sometimes when I am really sad they come forward and haunt me, then the guilt comes back and the tears, oh boy, the tears. Spookers needed your love and that is what you gave her. She knew you were there with her in spirit. Sometimes this is how we handle the grief and the coming pain. You were a great mom, don't ever forget that. I know when it comes time for you to cross over the Bridge to join Spookers, she will run to you and say mommy "I love you so and I've been waiting for you" Oh, what a reunion that will be. Hold this in your heart that you will be the one she runs to and only you.
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
spookersmom

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Posts: 4
 #5 
Thank you so much for all of this.  Just, thank you.
cosesmom

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Posts: 529
 #6 
Your so very welcome. All the words that I write come from my heart and a lot of help from Termy. My spiritual reader told me that I would write one day and Termy would guide me and give me the words to sooth others in their loss. I go back and read them sometimes and I am surprised by what I wrote. I know what I feel but to but them into words I couldn't do it alone.

I hope that I gave you peace and that you can feel better with your decision. Bless you. You have all my support and understanding.

Again you are so very welcome
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
SeymourDragon12

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Posts: 3
 #7 
Just to further affirm what cosesmom has already said. Please please please, do NOT let your husband or anybody else make you feel bad or that you abandoned your baby. You did not abandon Spooker, and she herself knows that! <3 having to make that decision to end their suffering is the HARDEST decision you can possibly make, even when you know in your heart of hearts that it's the "right thing" to do for your baby.

You did your best to care for her till the end of her days. Spooker will not hold that against you. I'm sure she still loves you very very dearly, and she's there on the Bridge watching over you and I'm sure she would want you to know that she is grateful for the time she spent with you and that she would want you to know that you did everything you could for her.

Staying with them as they cross is a very emotional time, and not everybody is able to bear seeing their beloved family member leave them like that. It doesn't mean you were a bad momma, it doesn't mean you didn't love Spooker with all of your heart, and it most certainly does NOT mean you abandoned her.

Love, support and hugs
Seymour's momma
SeymourDragon12

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Posts: 3
 #8 

I apologise to post twice on the same post, but since writing my first one, I have come across a particular song and I have an overwhealming feeling that I must share some of the lyrics with you, Spookersmom. Whether you choose to believe it is from your Spooker is entirely up to you, but I will share them nonetheless and I hope that it brings you some form of comfort :

From RED's "Not Alone" :

I'll be your hope when you feel like its over
And I will pick you up when your whole world's ending
And when you're finally in my arms
Look up and see that love has a face

I am with you
I will carry you through it all
I won't leave you, I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
Cause you're not, you're not alone

And I will be your hope
And I will pick you up

spookersmom

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #9 
Termy's mom, I think that you and Termy have made a world of difference, at least to me.  Since reading your lovely posts, I have been able to focus more on the good memories and remember Spookers and our wonderful times, rather than focusing on the last day.

Seymour's mom, thank you so very much for your kind words and for sharing those lyrics.  I have been thinking so much about the Bridge and I am so hopeful that one day, I will see my baby girl again and she will be healthy, happy and sassy, just like I love remembering her.  

Thank you both.  Sending you lots of love.
maddie1

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Posts: 7
 #10 
We had a dog for 11 and a half years that we rescued of the street. She grew old and we had to have her put down. I think of that last day and decisions I could have made better, I felt guilty for months. Three years on, I have only good memories. I can let myself feel guilty if I dwell on it, but I can't change the past. I do know we gave the dog a very good home and loved her to bits, we took her everywhere with us. As she slowed down, we helped her in every way we could, shorter walks medication making her comfortable. I think of that to push any guilt away.
Squeakers

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Posts: 21
 #11 
You can't beat yourself up.  You did the best you could for your cat.  I just had to put my cat down yesterday and I stayed with her until she died.  Now, I have that final image stuck in my head. We are forced to make impossible decisions for our beloved pets.  You weren't selfish or cowardly.  You showed incredible courage by even making the decision to put your cat down.  As someone that just had to make that tough call, I can tell you that it was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made and I've been around the block (I'm 43).  

We all feel guilt over something we feel we didn't do the right way.  I'm feeling guilty that I didn't spend enough time with Lola (since my son was born in January), that I didn't do enough early on to help her with her failing kidneys, that I should have buried her in the back yard instead of just handing her over to the vets, and so on and so on.

It helps me to not beat myself but suggesting you don't do that same 😉


Steph87

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #12 
You made the right decision in that moment. You wouldn’t have been able to hold it together and your baby would’ve picked up on this, which would have affected her so much more. It was the best thing for both of you. I was in a similar situation with my first boy, and I couldn’t stay with him for his final moments. I was very young and emotionally vulnerable at the time, and although I do carry guilt and regret, I know I would’ve been hysterical and upset him more if I’d stayed.

I had to get my second darling put to sleep just over a week ago and this time it was the right thing to stay with him. But I’m in a different place to where I was back then and could be strong for him. This time, I carry different kinds of guilt and some upsetting images of his final moments have stayed with me. Whatever decision we make will not be perfect but we do our best at a moment in time. Love manifests in different ways - your love meant that you could not stay with him, and that’s okay.
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