Registered: 1160143902 Posts: 730
Blue's passing is so different from Riefer's, nearly two years ago. Sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I'm okay, sometimes, eh, just blah. But I'm not in the grief I was when Riefer died. I feel guilty because I'm not.
Monday night, when Blue was PTS, of course it was hard to sleep & I cried myself to sleep then and Tuesday night. I didn't have much of an appetite and had only really forced myself to eat so I'd have energy to work & run errands, general day to day stuff. Let me also say say month ends are my company's close out & we work like slaves getting the invoices keyed to make budget at the end of every month. However, not only was this past weekend month end, it was also year end. I've had one day off in two weeks and Blue was PTS right at the end of the month, literally. Anyway, I finally got good deep sleep Wednesday night & I'm pretty sure I will tonight as well, because I'm already still so tired. I don't know if it's a combination of just being run down and that Blue is at peace now or what. Also, Blue has had some ailments. She was allergic to grass (which took several vet trips and meds to find out what was wrong with the poor girl) & had to take a pill every other day for her whole life. She also had hot spots from scratching & biting that I put medicine on, but of course, she rarely left them alone. Then she had seizures, which weren't often, but they still happened. Then, she's had ear problems, because of the hair in there she was prone to infections. Last May she had surgery to remove a lump from her ear. Then a few weeks ago we thought she was incontinent. Although now we know it was another symptom of what was eating away at her. So, I'm wondering if I'm just not in the same place, grief wise, because she's finally okay. No more medication, no more surgeries, no more tests to find out what's wrong with her. She's not being poked & prodded anymore. Is it because she's finally at peace now is why I'm not suffering like I did with Riefer? I just feel a calmness and I don't know. It could be Riefer & Blue telling me they're okay, they're together again. It could be my mom & dad saying how much they're enjoying Riefer and now Blue. I just feel guilty because I have such a sense of calmness. I'm still sad when I see her heartworm med, her prescriptions she had to take, her collar, her 'bed', and so many other things around the house that say 'Blue was here'. But I'm not overwhelmed with grief still like I was with Riefer. I just don't understand why. She was my brother's dog, but I'm the one who took her to the vet & groomers. Gave her medicine & everything. He's moved out twice and both times left her with me, so I've basically taken care of her her whole life. I've had to see her go through all this. And I saw her through to the very end. My brother moved an hour away about 3yrs ago & hardly gets to see her b/c of time & money so he couldn't be there Monday night when it became her time. I did call & consult him about what to do and we agreed to have her PTS. I'm just wondering if I feel calm now because I'm the one that saw her through everything from pretty much the beginning to the very end and I know she's okay?? Thanks; Lisa
Registered: 1215134935 Posts: 6
Grief is diferent every single time. I just have this giant lump in my throat over "Pup."
You loved both of them the same. I think we insultate ourselves internally to deal with this.
Registered: 1193533588 Posts: 991
First let me offer my condolences on the loss of your Blue.
Then let me say that I understand what you're saying. When we lost our wirehair fox terrier Cricket 11 years ago, I too was overwhelmed with grief. I was inconsolable for months. Her death was sudden. Here one hour, gone six hours later on her own at home. The only thing that stopped the tears was when our schnauzer Molly joined the household.
Molly too had a lot of health issues for the last three years of her life. And when she was diagnosed with inoperable malignant oral melanoma last August, we had 6 weeks to say goodbye before the cancer took her. My husband was inconsolable. Still cries. It's Ok; I try not to deliberately trigger him.
Me on the other hand am mostly at peace. I say mostly because I do have my moments. But like you, it makes me feel good that Molly is at peace, no longer having cancer eating away at her. The story of the Rainbow Bridge gives me such comfort(I didn't know the story when we lost Crick). It doesn't mean I love Molly less or Cricket more. I miss them both so much. They are both on my mind everyday.
May you find some solace today in Blue's memory.