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beautifullillil

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Posts: 2
 #1 
Today I killed my 16 year old cat Lillil.   She was a mother cat and we kept all of her kids.   We lived as one happy family.  Her kids all loved her and cuddled with her.   For most of their lives we have worked from home so we are very close.

We think she was getting deaf because she was talking much louder than normal and sometimes hard to wake up.   She also had hyper thyroid disease that she was being treated for but the levels where still high in her blood.

I backed the car up just a few inches, but then thought I should check because sometimes the cats are in the trees and can dart out ... I worry one will run under the car at the wrong moment.  Why I did not do this immediately before moving the car will haunt me, I guess I just forget.   I didn't expect that she would behind the car sleeping.   When I went around to the back of the I saw the worst thing that I have seen in my 45 years, she was under the back wheel, not conscious.    She must have been sleeping very close to the back wheel.   Normally cats will run away when you start the car if they are under it, but she didn't, I guess she didn't hear it.   I had to back the car off her and was then hysterical ... my partner came out and she said that she was dead.   It was like a nightmere and I hope I would wake up .... I still do.

I don't think I will ever get over it.   I am so so sorry for my beautiful Lillil, so sorry that I made that mistake and put her through that and killed her.  I Love her so much.

Here she is asking for 'num nums',
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2z-P4bc71Y
That's what she was like, she would tilt her head and put her paw up and blink her eyes.

[beautiful_lillil] 
RIP Beautiful Lillil  I am so sorry.


Cecis_Mom

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Posts: 1,191
 #2 

Dear beautifullillil,

I am so very sorry for your sudden loss of Precious Lillil.

My heart goes out to you as so many of us can relate to such tragic accidents.  We lost a cat under the same circumstances way back in 1979.  Then in 2001, my sister lost a cat for these same circumstances due to a visitor in the driveway.  The 2001 accident also involved an elderly cat.

Please know your grief is shared by many and that we are here to help you along the way.

Big hugs and many prayers,

Robin 

 

 

 
beautifullillil

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #3 
Thank you Robin. 

It's also her children who will miss her and that is very sad to see too.    We lost 2 of her son's in the last 12 months due to disease and we saw how loss affects the other cats.   For example one cat, Sparky goes out to the front door and looks out and meows at the top of his little voice, over and over again.   You go out and ask him whats wrong and he just keeps going.   He is calling for his brothers.

So I sometimes (not very often) say the names of the cats that have died or perhaps whisper the names into a cats ear, so they know that yes they did exist.   When I do this the normal reaction is that it grabs their attention and they then look at the floor or around as if to expect that they are back.   It's so sad watching them all grow old and sick.   Life is not all roses ... or if it is there are the thorns.

At this point I am numb, I'm a 45 year old male, I cried so much yesterday that I had to put a heat pack on my face to get to sleep it felt like I had been hit with a base ball bat.  When I did get 2 hours of sleep after 1 valium I kept dreaming that she was at the door.    I have not even begun to come to terms with this yet.    The car remains in the same position as it was when it happened.    I don't think I will ever get over it.     I go through extreme anger with myself, my hand hurts just from clenching it in a fist, then devastation and numbness, like I am far away ..... along with repeating how sorry I am to Lil Lil ... I hope she hears me and I hope she forgives me.
Tanker_1

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Posts: 67
 #4 
How wonderful that you kept her family with her. We as humans tend to forget that when we get that puppy or kitty we are breaking up a family. We are not owed a puppy or kitty, but we break up the family anyways. 

My kitty looks for her dog still. Its been a month. I am not sure how they are supposed to understand death if happens at the Vet's office if there isn't a body for them to sniff and see. 

I haven't forgotten running over Chuckie and I wish to god I never did it. Its been 25 years. 

You sound like you are in shock. 

I am sorry that this had to happen to you and Lillil.
Peace. 
Cecis_Mom

Registered:
Posts: 1,191
 #5 

Hello again beautifullillil,

Lillil was indeed such a beautiful cat.

She forgives you and knows it was an accident.


I hope you are able to eat and drink during this terrible time of grief and shock.

Do they have pet loss support grief groups in your area?  I went to one at my local SPCA after Ceci died in 2008.

I'm still tearing up about my sister's dog Katey who got hit by a car last month on Christmas Eve.  I find it hard to focus at work.  So much sadness in the world indeed and even harder during the holidays to cope.  

I hope in time your anger can subside because you are not to blame for an accident.  Just as my sister and her family are not to blame for not knowing Katey slipped about the front door during the hustle and bustle of holiday time.  

Keep talking to your Lil Lil and her remaining fur babies.  I love the whispering touch.  I am going to try that with my own dogs who miss Katey, too.

Take good care, and please feel free to come back and share again,

Robin

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