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Posts: 4
I came here to post about the unexpected, sudden loss of my second pet and forgot that I was signed up here.  I made this post about 5 years ago about the sudden loss of my dog.  A few months after I was starting to feel better I rescued a very small cat named Topaz.  He was the most playful, loving cat I've ever come across and we bonded instantly.

When I first got him he didn't like being touched, but we played a lot and he followed me around everywhere.  Eventually he started to let me pet him, and pick him up.  After some more time passed he started insisting that I pet him and always lay next to me purring. He'd jump on my desk when I was working. He'd supervise me when I was cooking, cleaning, or doing anything. He'd goad me into chasing him and hiding over and over and over again. He slept next to me every night, I woke up with him next to me every day. When I would get ready for work he would meow like crazy because he knew I was leaving. Whenever I would come home he would run to the door and greet me. He was my best friend and my shadow and we were obsessed with each other.

This weekend we had our routine like any other day.  I woke up, fed him, gave him water.  He used the litterbox, and proceeded to run around the place to let out some energy.  I was in the other room and I could hear him running around, but then i heard a REALLY loud crash.  I have really large, tower speakers which he loves to sit on.  They're extremely heavy and made of solid wood. I walk to the other room and saw the speaker he usually sits on laying on the ground. Topaz was next to it, laying completely still.  I have no idea how he knocked it over, he's so tiny compared to the speaker and he literally sat on the speaker every single day for the last 3-4 years. I thought he was just being a weirdo at first, so I pet him and he didn't meow or make noise like usual, so i picked him up and a huge stream of blood was on the floor and coming off of him. He didn't have any cuts so I he was bleeding internally. He was totally limp and out of it. I panicked and immediately grabbed a towel to wrap him up and then me and my partner ran to the car and went to the emergency vet.  On the way there I was petting his head asking him to hold on, one of his eyes was completely destroyed and I couldn't stand to see him like that.  Within a few minutes he stopped breathing and blinking, and he was gone. It all happened so fast. When I got to the vet they took me to another room and began to discuss aftercare options. It was all kind of a blur. 

Me and my partner went back home and cleaned up the giant puddle of blood on the floor. We spent the rest of the day in bed crying. There was a light I left on for Topaz whenever I left the house, the bulb in that light died shortly after we got home.

My apartment is back to being eerily empty again. Every room is full of his toys, his furniture, his fur and his scratch marks. I'm absolutely shattered, traumatized and overcome with feelings of guilt.  I can't stop picturing him in my arms struggling to breathe and then passing away. I was looking forward to spending many many years with him and having him play with our kids.

I feel responsible for the death of my loving cat who trusted me to take care of him. I failed him and now he isn't here anymore. It's time for me to go home from work right now, but I can't bring myself to walk through the door to my place and not have him greet me.


Posts: 95
Dear Arbitrary - First, the most heartfelt condolences from everyone here at Petloss. We all know the loss, pain and sadness you are feeling right now. Our hearts go out to you. Second, please PLEASE dont feel that it is your fault, or that you failed him somehow. It was a tragic accident, and you did everything you could to take care of him. Some things are just not meant to be. I wish I could offer more help for your sadness and loneliness when you go home, but I know exactly what you mean. I have found that, even when the loss is new, having a picture or pictures around that show happier times helps me to remember, and maybe even smile a little. I have lost three beloved furkids over the last 3 years - the pictures really help, even though I miss them every day.

Please remember you are in our hearts and minds - post anytime you need help or support. 
Mark,Barb, Little Bit, Nani and Mowee - and all the rest of the Pride now waiting at the Rainbow Bridge.

Posts: 4
Thank you for the kind words. Looking at old pictures was painful but it did help me forget about the image of him so badly hurt in my arms for just a little while.  I am going to get a framed picture to put up so at least I can have him back in my life everyday in some form.
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