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RaglansMom

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Posts: 2
 #1 
july 8th 2017 her puppy heart stopped after what was supposed to be a standard spaying. she was supposed to come to holland with me. we were going to be so happy here with all the other dogs around, all the nature and being spoiled rotten my partner who also loves her. i still cant believe it. the worsr part is that she was with my parents and i was in holland dealing with visas so i wasnt even there during her last moments here on earth. i could have jumped on a plane but she was already gone and my heart had been shattered into more pieces than any stupid boy could have broken my heart into... she was not even two years old yet...

she was abandoned in a park left all alone in the winter of 2016 and i saw her picture on a rescue site. that was it for me. she was so scared of the world. so was i. we comforted each other and kept each other company. every day i came home from a hard day of work teaching kids, i knew she would be waiting for me. every time i came home, i felt like i was going up on a stage to perform in front of a cheering audience of adoring fans except that audience was Raglan and that was all i needed. they say you never forget the way someone makes you feel. i agree. every morning when i woke up, she greeted me with so much love it was rodiculous. Raglan made me feel important and amazing and brilliant and loved and safe. i miss buying her surprise treats. i miss going for walks with her. i miss the way she would cozy up to me and demand to be petted on her belly. i miss her wet sloppy kisses and her wonderful warm brown eyes. oh raglan...where are you girl, come home. come back to me...


does anyone understand what this feels like... not sure if i want to keep on living...this hurts too much.
VickyMJ

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Posts: 71
 #2 
Dear RaglansMom

I’m so sorry for the loss of your puppy, she sounds so sweet and adorable. She was very lucky to have you in her life and of course vice versa.

I know how you are feeling, we all know the pain on this forum, which is why it’s such a nice place to write. It’s so unfair and just unbearable pain when we lose one of our fur babies. Animals give us such unconditional love and it makes it so hard to accept when they are taken from us so young. Although it has comforted me when I’ve read various posts saying that it’s not the quantity but the quality of life they had and it sounds like the time she had with you was full of love.

I know it’s hard, but try not to feel guilty because you weren’t with her at the end. She knows you love her and always will

Xx
StephaniePaige2

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Posts: 3
 #3 
Dear RaglansMom, 

       I was immediately drawn to what you expressed about feeling like less of a person without your dog. Sometimes our grief takes a false turn, telling us we're unworthy in some way. My dog, Billy, died this past September. Now I feel like all I am is my grief. There's no personality left in me...only pain and emptiness.

         The way you describe the life you had with  Raglan is very beautiful. She was blessed to have your love. Abandoned in a park during the winter, she would have died without being rescued. And, then You came into her life, showering her with love and affection. What a lucky puppy ! She brought so much comfort and happiness into your life - This is your reason to keep going. Raglan brought out the true person you are. All of those wonderful qualities - Raglan knew you very well.

((( gentle hug )))


 

          
       

 
Fionasmum

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Posts: 730
 #4 
Oh Raglan's mum I am so very sorry for the loss of this special girl.  It seems she was meant to be yours, and you were meant to be hers.  There is simply nothing more devastating, helpless and hopeless than this - and, yes, all of us here know very well how you feel.  

I wish with all my heart there was something I could tell you to do, some action to take, that would be meaningful or helpful in the wake of this loss.  But there isn't.  I won't even bother telling you that time heals - it doesn't, in my opinion because no amount of time passing will ever restore her to you.

What does change is YOU, learning to navigate your future without Raglan who was supposed to be very much a cherished part of the picture.  You are the one who suffers this devastation, not Raglan, and the memories she took with her are very different than the ones you have in your head.  It doesn't matter if you weren't there by her side - love is not defined by proximity - because love is defined by connection, no matter the distance.  And there is no greater distance than death, but even that cannot change the connection you have with Raglan, and always will.   

Right now, there is only guilt, recrimination, total sadness and despair.  And Raglan is worth every single tear you shed and every sleepless night you'll have.  She mattered to you, she was so very important, and she is gone.  You need to feel what you're feeling, let yourself grieve, and let the darkness run its course - and it will, I promise you, run its course.  Just not today, not this moment when you're in the hopeless longing of just wanting Raglan back - please please just let me have her back.  A truly awful place, and part of this dreadful journey.

There is another side, I know that now, but if someone tried to convince me that I would ever smile or laugh again I could not have believed it in the days and weeks after my little dog Fiona died.  I was convinced, totally sure, that I would never feel anything remotely good again - just as you feel now.  

Raglan knows differently, and it's Raglan who will find her way into your heart, where you can never lose her again.  It's not the same as having her, touching her, seeing her, but it is something just as beautiful - because Raglan becomes part of who you are, forever.  Given a chance, Raglan will help you heal from her loss the same way you helped her heal from her sad circumstances.  But, right now, there is only grief, and it feels never-ending.  So feel my hand in yours, know that all of us here understand this awful pain, and you are not alone as you try to make sense of the senseless.  The worst thing that could have ever happened has happened.  It does not get worse than this and, though you cannot believe it now, you will find a way out of this darkness - I promise you with all my heart.  Not today, though.  Not tomorrow.  But soon, I promise.  Raglan will fight to reclaim her place where she is associated with light and with love - not with this unbearable sadness.  And when she does, you'll be ready.  My heart breaks for you .... and I am thinking of you.
RaglansMom

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #5 
Your kind replies made me cry!!! Yes. The bond we shared was fierce. I feel so guilty and hopeless. Because I’m alive and she’s not: because there was absolutely nothing I could do. There is nothing I can do. I still haven’t been able to pet any white dogs since she left...feels like cheating on her. One day I hope to look back and smile on the wonderful 18 months we had together. All the late night snacks we devoured together. All the times I was heartbroken and we cuddled til the world seemed a bit less scary. The ridiculous made up games we played. Our training sessions. She kept me in check. I used to be such a party girl before Raglan, but I stopped going out as much at night and started coming home early from events, not out of obligation but because I missed her. She was to me a constant reminder of all that was good in this world and how life was not so bad. I’m so sorry to hear of all your losses. I see so many stories of wonderful friendships and that warms my heart and also makes my heart contract in grief because I understand it’s so difficult to lose such a dear friend as a beloved pet. I dont know if we are allowed to link photos but man I am so glad I took so many photos... they are all I have that I can tangibly touch with my hands... p.s: that girl loved socks and would keep sneaking into my room and stealing socks and she would either 1) be too obvious and get caught immediately. Ha! or 2) hide the sock (or my underwear ewww) in her bed and sit on it trying to act natural. (This often worked) She also loved sitting on my bath mat and waiting for me to emerge from my shower. Awww...I miss you Raglan. I know you miss me, too. I want you to know you are forever loved by me. Never forgotten. Never truly alone.
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