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Shancran

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Posts: 2
 #1 
My dog was diagnosed with cancer a week before my family decided to put him down. I wanted to get him treatment and had booked in an appointment with a specialist. In the mean time he was taking steroids from the vets and was having some GOOD days and bad days the day before he was put down he woke up with a lot of swelling around his face, this was because he did not take his steroids that also work as anti inflammatory this day, my mum called me at work to tell me we were taking him to the vets tomorrow, I thought this was just to see what was going on but when I got home my step dad told me he’s being put to sleep no matter what I say.

I was so sad I still gave him his steroids in the morning the next day and the swelling had come down. we sat outside and I fed him ice cream then later in the afternoon we took him for a walk(he was so happy and this is making me think he wasn’t ready to be put down yet) then straight after we took him to the vets to be put down.

When we were waiting my mum was crying and stroking Jeff he was sitting on his bed on a chair in the waiting room looking around but he look a little scared or nervous when we went in the the vet asked if we were sure? I wasn’t. Then he asked if we had a discussion as a family. We didn’t. He took Jeff away to give him a seditive and said he had to take him to the back so we couldn’t come, when he brought Jeff back in he was sitting up in his bed we his arm wrapped. We gathered round him for what only felt like a few seconds ( which is making me feel worse) then the vet asked if we was ready, they said yes I asked my step dad to come and stand closer to Jeff because Jeff really loved him aswell. Jeff flopped back to lye down as if dizzy, As the vet started putting the final injection in I quickly moved out of his vision to get closer to him ( I’m scared he didn’t see me as the vision is the first to go) then I was stroking his head for literally a secound and my mum said he’s gone. His eyes were wide open and I couldn’t believe it he looked so alive, I was crying saying can u make sure he’s really gone and ima scared he was hearing that as it’s the last thing to go. He was still warm and felt so alive, I asked the vet to close his eyes but they just opened again. I know it sounds irrational but I’ve been reading stories about dogs that were not actually dead from euthanastion and come back!? I’m also scared that maybe he was just paralysed?

Jeff was 10 and we had him from birth I loved him so much, he was a family dog but he was MY dog. It happened so quickly and I just want to hug him again I know dogs live in the present so I keep thinking about his last few seconds please help? Also I keep thinking he was too young?
GoldenMom

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Posts: 22
 #2 
Shancran, I’m so sorry for your loss. You faced a terrible situation that nobody wants to ever go through and then to ask if it was too soon would only add to your pain. I wonder if your vet might be able to answer any questions you have now since everything happened so quickly. Keep posting. We all can appreciate your feelings of loss and support you.
Shancran

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #3 
Hi thanks for your response I did speak to the vet today he put my mind at ease about jeffs last moments a little. he wasn’t sedated when the catheter was put in and he didn’t cry or anything when it was inserted the vet said he was fine even though other dogs normally fuss. It was also a one injection procedure. The one thing I some how forgot to ask even though it’s the thing that was bothering me most, is if it was too soon, but I spoke to my mum about how I was feeling she said even if I begged it wouldn’t have changed things. however I do think the vet would have thought Jeff could go on because he was rooting for Jeff he was such a good strong dog and was only 10. I keep thinking about the fact I thought Jeff was glassy eyed when we walked in but now I’m thinking if he wasn’t sedated maybe he was just tired from the walk we had taken him on and then when he flopped down maybe he was tired and weak from not eating much.Jeff was a smart dog aswell and he went under for an operation about 10 days before so I honestly think that’s what he thought was happening. my mum said she told him to lay down, I can’t remember that and maybe she’s saying it to make me feel better. But the last few hours after crying for four days (which feels not long enough and my house is still so empty) I’m starting to think at least we were there right next to him, the three people he loved most in the world and was was all stand literally right next to him. even if he was a little scared he knew we would protect him or he wouldn’t have layed down so willing if he wasn’t sedated right? That’s what I’ve chosen to believe in this moment but I’m grieving so I don’t know how I’ll feel in an hour after looking at pictures of him in the park on the walk before. Also Jeff was sick. He was terminally sick, the lymphoma had spread through his body, he gagged all the time, that last day he didn’t really want to move until after he took the steroids and even after that he wasn’t eating unless I fed him and even then it wasn’t much ( but I keep thinking I know he would have ate something if we took him home after the walk). He also had started sleeping down stairs under a chair he liked when he normally slept upstairs.he was also losing weight rapidly to the point two days before the skin on his chest started to sag. Even with treatment he would have at best lasted a year, even with the painful thoughts of thinking how many good days did he have left I’m starting to realise not many. Dogs don’t think of the future or the past they live in the present so would letting him get any sicker even one bit have been fair even if I want and need him around?would letting him be overwhelming in he moment of feeling sick from cancer be worth all the good moments even if he was STILL happy? Knowing how much it hurts my gland swell up just from a little cold?

I think In that moment he just thought he was going to sleep with his family standing next to him and his eyes were open because it’s an overdose of anaesthetic so he just went deeper and deeper to sleep in them short few secounds(the vet said he wouldn’t have even realised what’ happened) and even when dogs go under for operations with anaesthetic there eyes stay open.

Sorry for rambling I just needed to get it out. I know I’m still going to be thinking was it to early for a long time because I loved him so much and it’s only been a few days. I hope I’ll see him again I’m just sad it will probably be so long and I’m not sure if I believe in that. the thought of having to walk into my house again tomorrow to not see him or hear him is making me break down,but the thought of getting used to it scares me too. I know it’s a process and I feel this deeply because I loved him so much.
GoldenMom

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #4 
Please don’t apologize and you are not rambling. Sharing your story can be so helpful in working through your grief. I know sharing my story has been very important in helping me to cope with the pain of my loss. I’ve been finding it hard to be in my house without my dog. I miss his big, lovable presence. I know things will get easier for me over time and they will for you too. I promise. Our dogs might not be with us as they were but the love we have for them will keep them with us always. “Nothing loved is ever lost...”
Be gentle on yourself and please keep sharing. We are all here to support you. ((Hugs))
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