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anneliza

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Posts: 21
 #1 
Last weekend I lost my baby Jasmine. Even though she was 10 and had health issues it still feels like it happened so suddenly. She was a beautiful chocolate Lab and had such a sweet personality. I miss her terribly and to make it all worse, in June I lost my other dog Day. She was 14 and had heart trouble for about 2 years and finally her heart just gave out on her. It was so hard losing her but this time with the loss of Jasmine there is no other dog here anymore to focus my attention on so now I'm just lost in my grief over losing both of them this year.

I had been hoping that Jasmine would be here for a while longer. I didn't realize I would lose them both so close together. Jazz--as we called her most of the time--had bladder issues most of her life and was on medication and in August she had bounced back from an episode where her back legs went out on her. But the week before she died, she had been vomiting and her doctor thought it might be one of her medications so we stopped it for a few days and made plans to do blood work the following week to check things out and make sure her other organs were ok. Sadly, we didn't make it to that appointment because she got sicker as the day went on and finally that night I took her to the emergency vet because she couldn't get up and walk again. When we got there, they checked her out and came out to tell me they thought she was having a seizure. I had no idea that is what had been happening and I feel so guilty that I may not have taken her to the doctor soon enough. They gave her medication to try and stop the seizure and did blood work and said her kidneys were failing and after a couple hours, she stopped breathing and her heart stopped. They asked if I wanted them to do all they could to try and revive her but I said no because I didn't want her to suffer anymore. I feel so guilty that I might not have gotten her help soon enough. I'm so sad and the house is so very, very quiet. At least I've stopped thinking I have to do things for her like feed her or put water out like I was doing at the beginning of the week. 

Day was just a little bitty thing and people used to always comment on the size difference between the two of them when I would take them out for walks. Day was a cocker/sheltie mix and she was such a beautiful little dog. She had been getting so sick with congestive heart failure and on that last night, I made her comfortable on a fluffy blanket and sat and talked to her and told her I was so sorry she was so sick. I then sat here and cried while I searched online for some information that would tell me when the right time was to let a beloved pet go. When I went back a short time later to check on her, she was gone. I just know she was sparing me from having to make that decision that I was finding so difficult to make. She was watching out for me and taking care of me right up to the end.

We'd gotten Jazz because we wanted Day to have a companion when we weren't home. And although we had good intentions, I don't think Day appreciated the sentiment right away. But they became good friends as time went on. I loved them both so much and I'm finding that I am so filled with grief. Sometimes I can't stop crying and I can't talk about this with anyone without losing it completely. The world right now seems so dark and bleak without them here and at this point it seems like that will never change.
Mare

Registered:
Posts: 11,059
 #2 
Losing two beloved pets is painful beyond words. My heart goes out to you as you mourn the loss of Jasmine and Day.  They brought so much love into your heart and home and I know how much you are missing them.  All the daily rituals have been replaced by silence and it is unbearable at times.  Coming here and talking with others is very helpful.  And, in time, your heart will begin to heal and you will  cherish all the wonderful years you shared. 

Mare
precious Christoph ~ two years now ~

wendydecker

Registered:
Posts: 452
 #3 
Dear Anneliza,

It is a sad thing to lose a pet, and now you have lost both of your treasured dogs, Jazz and Day. Your kindness to Day when you adopted Jazz, just shows how much you loved your first dog, caring about Day's time alone. That they both got along, I'm sure you shared in their happiness a watching your dogs enjoying their time together whether in the house or out for a walk. 

To go from that to just having Jazz in June, when Day passed away in your home, was sad enough. Now to lose Jazz when you weren't expecting to lose Jazz far sooner than you thought, as 10 isn't very old for a Lab, must feel like such an unbelievable loss. Your sorrow is in every line that you wrote here at Pet Loss.

You have my heartfelt condolences. That you are crying a lot, feeling immeasurably sad and with the emptiness of your home without your dogs being so difficult, of course you would feel that way. Anyone with a heart, understands that.
 
When I lost my cat, Decker, my home was so 'different' and I too missed the rituals of the feeding times, filling the water dish, brushing my cat and all the companionable times that she and I spent together, well, I too was unconsolable for ages and ages. I spent a lot of time at a local library as I just didn't want to be at home during those hours that I had shared with Decker.

Visiting Pet Loss and writing lots of stories about Decker, really helped with the sharing of my loss with others who truly understood my sorrow. As I truly understand yours. So, don't just visit Pet Loss this once, but visit and write stories so that you can share the love you have for Jazz and Day, here with others who will certainly enjoy reading the stories. Perhaps consider adding a picture of Jazz and Day, if you would like to. The love that you have in your heart for your two lovely dogs, can continue with your stories being told here at Pet Loss. 

To give you an idea of how I continued to love my Decker, after these 7 years, I still do post each year on the day we were parted, which was on Nov. 3, 2003.

Until this past August, when I was moving from the home where she had lived too, I always kept one of her dishes on the floor where she used to eat with a few of her toys there also. It was her space and always would be. 

I also have binders full of my tributes to Decker with the lovely, caring replies that I received. When I read them now, I realize how healing it was for me to share my grief, just as you are doing now here at Pet Loss.

As I had many items that I wanted to keep after Decker left this earth, I purchased a little 'trunk' which now contains her other dishes, her toys, the cards that I received from friends and it is a treasure trunk of memories. Sometimes I will go through it and realize how powerful that love is for a little being that was always so sweet and special, just as Day and Jazz were in your life.

Perhaps you may be able to find something or somewhere in your home that can serve as a way of keeping treasures that you choose that remind you, in the best way, of your time shared with them both.

If you do celebrate Christmas, I read here at Pet Loss a lovely idea, as I was facing a Christmas without Decker, and that was to take a few favorite photographs and put them on a pretty paper, put some ribbon through a punched hole on the paper and hang the pictures on the Christmas tree. I still do this with the original pictures each year on a tiny tree, having 'my girl' in a different way still be 'with me' for the holidays.

There were so many wonderful folks who wrote messages of understanding and giving me hope that the 'dark days' of loss would gradually lessen when I would write about the loss, just as you have done today. Over time, I did find out that was true. I hope that my words are able to make you feel less alone with your grief.

I don't often visit Pet Loss these days, but have made many true friends here over these years. Friends who are living in various parts of this world. I encourage you to keep visiting and writing.
 
Today, I send you my caring thoughts. Be gentle with yourself.

Blessings to you and your fur angels, Jazz and Day,

Wendy (Decker's mom)
anneliza

Registered:
Posts: 21
 #4 

Thank you both so much for the reply and thank you Wendy for all of the wonderful ideas to remember Jazz and Day. Today I've been crying a lot again and going over in my mind whether I did the right things. Does that ever stop, the second guessing? Rationally, I know I can't change anything but that doesn't stop me from torturing myself with wondering 'what if'.

Darian

Registered:
Posts: 282
 #5 
Anneliza i'm so sorry about both of your losses.  Heart-breaking.  The "what if's"  are a terrible stage.  I am a naturally "guilty"  person.  I don't know if it's the Catholic upbringing (hubby says so) or what, but I take too much guilt on myself. My little dog died in July and I agonized over the "what ifs"  for a long long time.  I also felt that I didn't take him for help soon enough.  But after a while I realized that I did my very best by him. I kept him safe and healthy during his lifetime and I have no way of knowing whether or not taking him for help sooner would have changed the outcome.   And in your case it sounds certain that sadly, the outcome would not have changed.   Kidney failure is such a tragic and complicated thing.   Jasmine's life expectancy would have been decreased quite a bit by that disease and the fact that she lived to be 10 is a tribute to the great care that she got from you.   
I'm sorry about Day.  It sounds like she passed so peacefully with you at home.  That's a blessing.  But I know,  not much feels like a blessing right now.  It's a dark time but I promise, it gets bearable.  And after it gets bearable, it gets better.  We all have different turning points.  You will find your turning point and will come back into the light. 
God Bless you,
Darian
wendydecker

Registered:
Posts: 452
 #6 
Dear Anneliza,
First, I love your name here at Pet Loss, it's very lyrical. Second, thank you for posting again, I've been thinking of you and wondering how you are doing today. That's how it goes, others post and then really do care how you are doing day after day. Hence, it's good for us to reading how you are doing. Glad you visited again.

You know, speaking from my own experience, I made sure that I didn't go down the road of 'what if's' or 'what else could I have done' or 'did I do something wrong.' I just felt that kind of thinking would create more suffering than I was already feeling at the time. I rationalize that as I was so sad, it meant that the love I had for my cat was huge, bigger than I realized when she was at my side. I decided to honour her memory every way that I could. I remember thinking that I was turning into a 'crazy cat lady' as I told others little stories about Decker, if they would listen, and others did both here at Pet Loss and in person. There are kind people 'out there' who do care about your sorrow. 

One significant gesture that I did, and I think one can do this at most shelters, if they have a memorial wall, is make a donation and have a little copper tag naming yourself and your pet(s). The plaque at the shelter where I adopted Decker was so special to me as it had both our names and then called us a 'family.' I loved that so much and even though I was so sad, it made me happy at the same time. So, perhaps you can think of a gesture of remembrance that will fill a little space in your heart that is lonely for Jazz and Day. Just an idea.

Ah, the pain is so real for you, Anneliza, believe that it is the way you know how blessed you were with their companionship and love. In time, not tomorrow either, your depth of sorrow will lessen and the love feelings will emerge and make the grief a more gentle feeling of loss.

Know that you are not alone in this journey. You are accompanied by those of us who visit Pet Loss and care.

Blessings always for you, and also your treasured, beloved fur angels, Jazz and Day.

Wendy (Decker's mom)
lovemypup

Registered:
Posts: 607
 #7 
I am so sorry that you are having to go through such a traumatic loss so close to one another.  I too lost both of my girls this past year, six months apart so I understand your pain.  Losing my first was hard enough, she was the first pet I ever had that was completely mine and raised completely by myself, she was my child through my adult years and through so many significant moments in my life - good and bad.  But, she did have a very long life and so I understood that it was just nature saying that her time was up.  But when I lost my other girl, it was quite unexpected as she was only 11, quite young still really for a Cocker Spaniel. 

What has helped me a great deal and maybe it will help you too thinking of your Jazz and Day, was to think that my babies just missed each other so much that they had to be together again, in a place that allowed them to be young, healthy and free again.  So, they put the plan in motion to be together again - but not without first making sure that I had a new love in my life first - another Cocker pup that I named Scout.  Unfortunately, he was only with my surviving girl and I a week to the day when she passed on.  I never thought that I could withstand the pain of losing my two babies so close to one another but I have learned from reading many books that my girls are in a better place and that one day we will all be together again.  I must believe that.  And I can tell you, that I am so excited for that day.   I hope that you too feel that you will be with your Jazz and Day again in a peaceful and perfect place.  they miss you as much as you miss them and are watching over you each and every day.

Wishing you much comfort,
Nicole
anneliza

Registered:
Posts: 21
 #8 
Thanks again for the responses. It helps so much to read about others who've come out of this dark place. Right now it is still so painful and everything seems so strange without them here.

Today I was remembering things about them and I remembered a time when we would go out for a walk just about everyday. I would push my son, who was 2 at the time, in a stroller with one dog on each side. It looked so funny with Jazz being so big and Day being the little girl that she was. We took up the whole sidewalk. And one day while we walked, a photographer from the local newspaper stopped us and asked to take a picture of us. So my son, Jazz and Day ended up on the front page of the local paper. I still have that picture and everyone looks so happy.

Then there were the times that Day would go for hours it seemed chasing her tennis ball. She was so tired sometimes and still wanted to keep going. And Jazz dropping her metal food dish with a clang on the floor when you didn't feed her soon enough to let you know you were late.

I know (I hope) the day will come when it won't feel so lonely and I know that will take time. I'm really glad I found this place to be able to share about my girls.


wendydecker

Registered:
Posts: 452
 #9 
Dear Anneliza,
I loved your stories that are in your visit to Pet Loss today. I laughed at the antics of Jazz dropping her dish on the floor to let you know you'd better feed her! What a character she was. Also, that you were photographed with your son and Day and Jazz for the paper. Celebrities as well, who would guess that when you go out for a walk with a stroller, huh? Those are wonderful memories. 
I am sure typing the stories brought a smile to your face and eased your heartache just a little bit? I hope so. 
As you continue to visit and talk about how you are feeling and add other stories about Jazz and Day, you will end up with almost a book's worth of stories. If you can print them up, you'll be able to put them in a binder, as I have over all these years visiting Pet Loss, and that way you'll be able to re-read the stories and even tell them to your son. A lovely way to spend time remembering the joy that they both brought to your life and still do.
I'm so glad you are realizing that it really is so wonderful to visit Pet Loss even daily and share with others who understand and empathize with your sorrow.

You are in my thoughts and I wish you comfort in all the ways that count.

Blessings, to you and your fur angels, Jazz and Day.

Wendy (Decker's mom)
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