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Posts: 1
Sorry about the lengthy post but I really need to vent and if anything doesn’t make sense I also apologize as I’ve been drinking.

I’ve always had pets since I was young. Cats and dogs.

I had a little Siamese cat, his name was Andy. His two little siblings was a black and white cat named Carly and my little rag doll named Faith. All three were fixed. I was about 14 at the time.

Andy was a really unique cat. My mom had these rugs that the two little kittens would run and crumple up and she would yell at them to stop making a mess. Andy would chase them as if he was trying to get them to stop. He was very protective of me and I still remember the time he ate the whole Christmas turkey and decided to knock everything off from on top of the fridge: his favourite spot. Including a pot of oil that fell right on me.

One day he began to throw up and anytime he tried to eat he would struggle before throwing it back up. I don’t know why we waited so long. He went from a healthy cat to bones within a day. So we took him to the vet where he was diagnosed with the virus Feline Leukemia. I still feel I have some sort of ptsd when it comes to that.

He was about three years old when I lost him.

Within four days later Carly began to show the same symptoms and wasn’t even a year old when we had to let her go. We were devastated and basically waited for Faith to suffer the same consequences too.

Except she never got it. Somehow she never got it. I got to her multiple blood tests and they always were negative. You have no idea how happy that made me. She was my cat.

I wound up getting a dog. A shelte. His name is Tucker, he just turned 11 this year and he still acts like a puppy.

When my dog turned about two years old I noticed a lump on the side of Faith’s neck so we took her to the vet where they assured me it would be a mass of water but deep down I had this feeling.

December 27th 2007 she was diagnosed with cancer. Lymphoma. And I remember telling my mom to call the vet to see if she was gone. That was at 6pm. She was four years old.

I swore up and down I never wanted another cat again. Her death hit me so hard.

My mom decided to bring me a kitten to try and help. I pushed him away at first but he was persistent. My sister was also gifted with a cat of her own and unfortunately before we could get the female in to be spayed she got pregnant. You never even would have guessed. She was a tiny little thing.

I still remember the day she gave birth. The first born was a fat little thing and I called him the Butterball one. This was April 2011.

Little Bear and the mother cat got out one day and despite out best efforts we couldn’t find them. All of my cats have always been in doors and maybe that was wrong since they didn’t find their way back.

My mom let me keep the little kitten who kept his name, Butterball. He was hands down the most special cat I have ever owned. He was my shadow. He would greet me every day when I got home from work and if I was on the couch he was either laying on top of me or sitting beside me. When I took showers he would scratch on the glass. When I brushed my teeth he would be on the toilet behind me. I cannot begin to explain how much I loved him. Words can’t ezpress it. He was my everything. He helped me through so much difficult times, including but not limited to alcoholism and drugs in my family. He was my rock. I knew he loved me unconditionally.

He was a really weird cat. He liked watching tv and he would sit with me and watch me on my laptop.

I’d like to think I have him the absolute best life I could give him. But at the same time he also has a sister. She has epilepsy and I decided I could give her a good life despite everyone telling me to put her down because she was sick. Both cats and my dog love each other.

One day, Butterball didn’t come to greet me and he wasn’t cuddly with me. The first day I let it slide figuring he didn’t feel too good. The next day it happened I took him to the vet.

They told me he was anemic and I decided to get an extensive blood test done.

I got the news at work that it could be the virus leukemia. As you can imagine with my past history, I was absolutely devastated and was balling at work. It made no sense to me since he never went outside. None of my cats did and they were all vaccinated. The next three days while I was waiting nearly killed me. The tests finally came back and they were negative. I cried of joy. Only to be told by another vet it came come back as a false negative. In comes another set of tests that came back with him looking healthy.

We decided to try antibiotics because they figured it was a blood parasite. This was all in the span of two weeks.

Eventually he stopped eating and drinking. Only eating Tuna so that’s what I gave him. On the 27th of November I decided to hospitalize him because he was getting thin. Before the vet closed I went to visit him and he peeked up right away. He rested his head on my arm and started purring.

The next day he declined. His anemic levels went from 22 to 18. He wasn’t responding to the antibiotics. I went in to see him and this time he ignored me completely.

The day after I got a call from my vet. His organs were starting to shut down and his anemic levels dropped to 12.

The vet told me I could do a blood transfusion, which I was more than willing to do, and it would have costed about 3000 in total but she also said the prognoses was bad. She felt he had cancer. Leukemia was her guess. I decided to spend the day with him for make my decision. Do I put him through invasive tests he wasn’t strong enough to go through or let him go?

November 29 2017 at 11am was the most gut wrenching choice I made. I KNEW it was the right choice because even his eyes it just... it wasn’t him. Its been a few days and I’m still crying. Im taking nerve pills and I’ve been drinking in a sad attempt to cope.

I can’t cope. That cat was my everything. The other cat has been looking for him and she normally never sits with me but she has been and a part of me feels... resentful? Because my lap was his spot but I know that sounds stupid.

I just can’t get over the loss of this cat. I don’t know what to do. I know it’s only been a few days but I feel so broken and I also didn’t mean to make this as long as I did.

How can I accept that he’s not coming back? I was in the room with him. I cried over his body after it was done. I just can’t belive he’s gone. I’m hurting so much to he point where I don’t think it’s normal. I didn’t have the best childhood. I’ve always loved animals more than I liked most people. I suffered when I lost my other cats but THIS feels different. This cat was glued to me; my shadow. I don’t know how to get over him and I feel guilty for even trying to move on. I love him so much that it hurts.

I’m getting his ashes in a few days. I paid for that. Yesterday I asked if I could get the moulded paw print and when I asked to pay the tech smiled and said she took care of it for me. They’re also getting me an ink print so I can get his paw tattood on me. It’ll be my first tattoo.

I don’t know why I wrote as much as I did and I don’t expect people to read it all but I am hurting so damn badly.

Posts: 730
Okay.  Deep breath, and know that I am here with you. I read everything - and I feel the awful pain in your heart.  The rawness, the despair.  

This loss, on top of other losses you've experienced, has hit you in a different way.  But there is no right way to grieve, no way to know how grief will unfold.  Each of your beloved little pets was special - so it stands to reason you grieve for them as individuals - they were not the same and you cannot grieve the same - the quality of loss is as unique as each pet you've ever had.  

Know this as well - you gave this little cat the peaceful and pain-free ending that his devastating illnesses would never have allowed him to have.  This isn't a story about guilt and regret and loss - it's a story about love, and the ability to let him go knowing how much it would cost you.  All he knows is that his person was with him, beside him, making the right decisions for him just as you'd done his entire life.  It's only you that's left to feel this pain, and not him.  From what I can tell by your post, you'd rather take this pain for a million years that allow him to suffer even more more minute.  You made the only decision you could, and that makes you a person who is capable of so much love and so much sacrifice - a person worth knowing and who deserves every possibility of a life filled with the joy and warmth of companionship and friendship - both human and animal.

Right now, there is only darkness and despair, shock at how sudden and how unfair his loss has been.  That's grief, and we all experience it emotionally and physically - not knowing from one day to the next which way is up and what is supposed to happen next.  But this little cat did not exist to leave this legacy of darkness behind him.  He was a light, a feeling inside you that made things right and seem okay and seem 'normal'.  This light did not go out when he passed - it's still there, waiting for you to find it again, inside your heart, where it can never be taken from you.  But today, there is only the knowledge of this awful loss, pushing you down and making it difficult to breathe, to eat, to sleep - to experience anything other than this awful weight.  

Soon, I promise you with all my heart, you'll find the narrative in your head changes from this dark negativity into associations of love that are the true reality of your relationship with Butterball.  He deserves your grief, because he was important, he mattered.  But you deserve to know that the relationship you built with him cannot be undone by his death - it's something you get to keep forever.  And it's through this relationship, and what Butterball taught you, you'll find that every other person or dog or cat will be the recipient of a light that shines out in every interaction you'll have or every smile that you share.  And you WILL smile again - I promise you - just not today.  And that's okay - grief has centre stage today, but it won't stay in the limelight forever.  Hear this, believe this, and know that I understand completely how you feel - you are not alone.  Take care of yourself, be good to yourself - Butterball would expect no less from you.     


Posts: 5
I can relate! My little 3 lb dog lucky was glued to me to! I carried him around and took him everywhere. It feels like I lost an arm. I cried over his body too. I kept looking at him. I had him wrapped in a blanket because he was so little he was always cold. He still looked cute even though he was gone. I AM SO SORRY YOU ARE HAVING TO GO THROUGH THIS.
There are no words to take the pain away, except the comfort of knowing they have gone on to a better place and we will see them again some day. Butterball and Lucky are together playing and doing anything they want! They want us to be ok not sad. I wish we could get them back but we can't.
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