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Cb543

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Posts: 2
 #1 
Zoey, my yorkie poo, had 14 wonderful years of life, the ending not so much and I feel so guilty I just want to die.

Zoey had a large tumor for a year & a half that was like a ticking time bomb on her side. Eventually it opened up as the vet had said it would. It started to really bleed out everyday, despite our frantic attempts to keep it wrapped and taken care of. Since she was so old and her lab panels, liver and kidneys showed they were failing, and she also likely had cancer, our vet said she would not survive a massive surgery for her tumor removal. We felt like we had no choice but put her down as she was starting to really suffer and not want to get out of bed anymore. We didn’t want to watch her slowly bleeding out at home.

What kills me inside is not that we put her down so much as HOW it happened. With the stupid corona virus we were not allowed to be with her at the vet. I had to freakin hand her off at the door. I sobbed outside the vet and begged the tech bringing her in to please please please let me be by her side til the end. In doing so, I got Zoey even more worked up, the last image I have of my loyal faithful friend of 14 years is her frantically trying to claw herself out of the techs arms because she was scared & sensed my distress.

In hindsight the whole situation felt so wrong, all I wanted was to be there for my best friend that had been there for me for 14 years. Why oh why didn’t I walk away with her then and seen if anyone could have put her down in the comfort of our home???? I was not thinking clearly! I just dont’even feel like being alive anymore knowing she spent her final minutes scared with strangers after all SHE did for me.

The only solace I have is that I spent every second that week cuddling her and telling her how much I loved her. She had a wonderful, wonderful life. When that tumor appeared a year & a half ago we could have put her down awhile ago, but we fought for her and gave her a wonderful year & a half more of life.

I hope with all my heart Zoey can forgive me for the traumatic last page in her otherwise beautiful book of life.
GinaXOXO

Registered:
Posts: 28
 #2 
The only solace I have is that I spent every second that week cuddling her and telling her how much I loved her. She had a wonderful, wonderful life. 

You're focusing on one moment in her precious life instead of all of the great moments when you comforted and loved her.  You and Zoey adored each other.  You did what you thought was right at the moment and you did it with the intention of love.  You were emotional and went with your gut.  Maybe it was the right thing - something could have gone wrong with the home euthanasia.  What if that person couldn't get there for a few days and Zoey would have been in incredible pain?  We're all human, we all make mistakes, but we do them with the best of intentions.   To hurt yourself with guilt is doing a disservice to the love you felt for Zoey.  You did the best you could at the moment.  Zoey is gone and out of pain.  Don't torture yourself out of pain and guilt.  You aren't being fair to yourself.

Jasmine died this week too.  I wasn't able to be there with her for the tests.  I also had to drop her off.  She didn't like going to the Vet and would always pant and get worked up.  Given that she died from fluid on her heart it stands to reason that comforting her might have helped her get through the treatment. I wasn't able to be there and wish I would have at least asked.  The Vet called and I had 9 minutes to be with her as she passed--they would have let me in and asked me to come quick.  I didn't hear the call.  I almost beat myself up for that.  I had my phone with me and still don't know why I didn't hear it.  Maybe it was divine intervention.  Whatever caused it, happened, and I can't go back.  I have forgiven myself.  She wouldn't have wanted me to torture myself.  If her treatment worked and instead I got to pick her up, the second we made eye contact she would have forgiven for dropping her off.  I did it with the best of intentions.  I'm taking her lead on this and forgiving myself.  

I miss her.  I wish we had more time because the time we had together was great.  She was my soulmate.  Jasmine was also near 14.  She was a little fighter and fixed herself about 2 years ago from something that was never diagnosed.  The Vet mentioned at that time that we need to start thinking about putting her down. She couldn't use her hind legs. Urine was leaking out of her - she wasn't having accidents it was involuntary.  I had to help her get up because she couldn't do it herself.   Somehow she came out of it and for a time ran like a puppy.  We had 2 years of borrowed time.  Just keeping it in perspective.  It sounds like you had borrowed time with Zoey too and you also need to cherish it.  

We knew when we brought them home that it was likely that we would outlive them.  We knew this day was coming.  We knew the payoff was worth it.  And, it was.  We created a beautiful life for them.  I have intentionally reframed how I talk to myself about Jasmine.  It is much healthier and it is working.  You're going to be ok.  




kct9794

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #3 
I was also in the situation where I had to drop my dog off at the door. He was scared to death. I hated that I couldn’t be there for him as they were examining him. He wasn’t good with strangers. So I understand that part. I at least got to be there when he was put to sleep. What helps me is to think, would my dog want me to destroy myself over circumstances that I couldn’t control? I’d like to think that our dogs wouldn’t want that for us. Dogs are far more forgiving an nonjudgmental than humans are. Your life is valuable and your dog would want you to live and forgive yourself. Remember the good times. Remember that she will always be with you.
EileenD820

Registered:
Posts: 20
 #4 
I understand your pain.  I lost my pet last week and I was as sad as you are now.  You gave her a wonderful life.  I am so sorry that the vet would not let you go in with her to put her to rest.  I had reached out to a vet that came to my home during this time.  Although I'm glad I did that, unfortunately, sometimes I see her where she last was when she was given eternal peace.  I don't think this decision ever comes to any of us lightly, so please try not to be too hard on yourself.  It does get better.  I recently picked up my Midnight's ashes and for the first time, I have felt at peace.  She is home now.  You will come to feel peace as well.  Take your time, be gentle with yourself.  
JerseyLola

Registered:
Posts: 10
 #5 
In my experience, vet techs have always been extremely sweet and caring to my pets, so you can rest assured that your pet was treated with love and kindness to comfort her at the end. I have had a few pets euthanized now and it really is a gentle, fast, human process. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You ended your beloved pet's suffering.
windsong

Registered:
Posts: 40
 #6 
Although not quite the same, but I understand how you feel. I had to put my baby down a week ago. She got sick and as I saw she was deteriorating I kept thinking of the inevitable. Last two days she started having seizures and took the decision previous day. Spent the whole day with her, tried to prepare for the whole process kept reading online about it. I read that it is best if you don't break down emotionally so that your pet can have a peaceful passing. I was calm the whole day but as the time approached to take her to the vet I started losing it, it was impossible for me to be calm, I cried and cried and sobbed and tears could not stop falling the whole time. She knew I was sad and now I keep thinking that she passed with negativity around her and possibly worried and anxious. I feel guilty about that, that I couldn't be more supportive and reassuring. But I really tried my best, that's what I keep thinking. We tried our best. I'm so sorry for your loss. We loved them so much, I know, and we still do and we will forever.
sha

Registered:
Posts: 67
 #7 
i am so very sorry for your loss.  the deaths of my beloved pets have all been very traumatic for me and affect me still.

as others have said, the last day of your beloved zoey was only a small fraction of her time on this earth. i hope one day the memories of the wonderful 14 years of life you gave her will overshadow the pain of that last day. not being able to be with zoey was not your fault. it's so ironic and unfair that it's only because you loved and cared about her so much, that your grief and guilt is so deep.   i also know when our beloved furchildren are sick it's hard to think clearly.  you were under tremendous stress. 

i struggle too though. i know how you feel. (((you are not alone)))


grievingmom

Registered:
Posts: 639
 #8 
You are not alone with these painful endings. When Pearl was euthanized, she was fighting like mad to jump off the table. And she did but the vet and I caught her. Once back on the table she fought again and I had to "hold her down" with all my might to be euthanized. I start to feel her body relax as I spoke to her and the sadness that she was hearing me speak and starting to relax..but relax for what? She was relaxing because she was trusting my voice. And I was relaxing her to die. 

Ugly things are a part of life. Being a part of them doesn't make us ugly people. I was there for Pearl. And I would do anything
to have her back.
GinaXOXO

Registered:
Posts: 28
 #9 
@grievingmom, I think your perspective is spot on.  I read a book today to try to help find peace.  I saw it recommended on social media for Rainbow Bridge.  It has helped me a lot.  It is called The Amazing Afterlife of Animals by Karen Anderson.  

I was in a car accident over 30 years ago.  I remember what happened before and being confused about why I was in the ER.  I don't have any recollection of the actual accident.  Karen wrote in her book that our pets seem to have that same experience with how they pass.  Something that also gave me peace is that our pets don't dread going to the other realm/heaven.  They still feel our presence but don't have any pain or limitations.  

Maybe I just *want* to believe it.  I found two feathers in my bedroom today.  The only time I have seen feathers in the house is when I wash the duvet cover.  I haven't done it for a while and have vacuumed plenty since then.  Is it a coincidence?  Maybe.  But, I need peace, and I really believe if I don't refocus myself on how good her life was and how her precious little soul continues to be happy I will struggle.  So, I believe.    
Cb543

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #10 
You have no idea how much all of your extremely kind and wisdom filled comments helped me. I was an absolute wreck all week, but every time I'd see a response on here I started to feel better and put things into perspective.Thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring, and making me feel more at peace. I'm still sad that's she's gone obviously, but I no longer feel any self-hate or guilt and can process my grief in a more healthy way moving forward. 
Sending hugs and love to all who have lost their fur babies. It's so hard, but the support on here makes things better😉 
yorkiemother

Registered:
Posts: 1
 #11 
I am so sorry for your pain! And, guilt!  I feel exactly the same way and don't know how to live without my Mickey.  He was my life and my love - a little yorkshire terrier that I was completely and utterly obsessed with.  The new vet I took him to said he had kidney problems and had had them for over 2 years.  She would not clean his teeth or put him under because of that.  My former vet had not told me this, or at least I do not recall (but I know I would have heard that).  She gave us renal support food and just said to watch him.  9 months later, he is still going after turning 12 in February.  He has the symptoms of renal failure, though I did not think the end was near.  It happened so fast.  His appetite had decreased, but his last day, he was running in the yard.  With Covid, I have a compromised immune system and have not left the house.  My hubby took him to the animal hospital to get checked out and the doctor there talked in him to putting him down that night.  I was so not prepared for that!  So, my guilt is that I was not there and that I did not have a full understanding of the doctor's diagnosis.  I am going out of my mind wondering if he had more time left.  Even a few months.  My heart is completely broken and every day is nothing but pain and regret.  I am trying to get the previous vet to interpret the hospital blood work for me, since they did not do that.  In my opinion, the hospital did the bare minimum and suggested euthanasia immediately because they were so busy that night.  I just need some answers before I can accept this.  I am so very sad.  Everywhere I look I see him.  
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