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Prawncoktail

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Posts: 32
 #1 
I really don't know how to start this thread other than just jumping right on in.
I apologise if it's really long, or all over the place, but i'm really mentally struggling right now.
Iv'e had my dog Libby since she was just a few months old, when i got her from a dog rescue centre she's 11 now, 12 in Feb.
she's always been a happy, loving, funny dog, that's always made me happy.
The last few weeks she's been somewhat under the weather, but nothing that changed her for who she was (It sounds silly when i say it, that there was something wrong, but there wasn't at the same time) But she's been her usual self, the happy adopted mother to our other 2 dogs Coco and Toffee.
But then the last few days (Since Saturday night) She's changed, she wouldn't eat her dinner, or at least not unless i hand fed, but she would always, and i mean always eat her treats, as many as she could.
She started to become less mobile, didn't take interest in anything, other than just sleeping.
But i thought it's just a momentary blip, that once she goes to the vets, they'll sort her out, and she'll be back happy as anything.
Mentally she's still a puppy, alert, happy and loving, but her body's not her anymore.
We got back from the vets just a few hour ago.
Told to make a decision that will affect everything for me from this day out.
The vet said she needed to be put down, (I hate how hard this is to type) - He said, that everything was failing, and that she needed to go.
Right then and there i could feel my life changing, i have to make a decision, for my baby girl, for my other girls, and for my Partner, that will change everything.
I don't feel mentally stable, i don't feel like i'm adult enough to make a decision like this.
It's strange, but i feel like i'm 5 all over again, and someone too my favourite teddy.
No one, nothing, will ease this devastation, but my god, do i need some advice with how to deal with this.
Already i feel tremendous guilt for letting Libby down, i feel as though everything i do now is in slow motion, like how do i act? - Do i molly coddle her and in turn let her see that somethings wrong, and come tomorrow i say goodbye? - Do i act normal and feel that walking past her, looking at her without cuddling her is wasting precious time?
I don't know what to do, and it's breaking me!
I know to some i may be over reacting, but she's my baby, and i don't want to let her go.
I am beyond broken, devastated, and confused.
And as i sit her, yearning for something to help ease the pain, i can see her looking at me, taking pictures with her mind.
I'm sorry iv'e gone on, iv'e never done this before.
Does anyone have any advice for how i deal with this kind of situation?
Thanks x 
HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #2 
Dear Prawncoktail, please don't feel bad for writing down your emotions, struggles and feelings! I hope you'll get some good advices and support on here. I can't really give you much helpful suggestion, but my thought was to get a second opinion! And why they say you have till tomorrow? Did they say what's going on other then "everything is failing"? I would want more specifics. One other thing I could suggest, please don't "ignore" your sweet Libby, but give her all your love you have been giving her! Maybe talking to her would be an idea.
When I spent my fur baby's last night with him, gosh it was so devastating, I was heartbroken, scared, tried to hide crying from him and I didn't know what to do. The vet said just give him space because he really doesn't want me to see him struggling and in pain and partially I did that, but I had a feeling it wasn't a smart suggestion. The reason why I didn't cuddle with him as much, because it felt like he wasn't up for it. Try to go by what you feel Libby needs right now! Try to read her, see how she reacts when you close to her. Poor little baby. Does she walk at all, go outside, drinks and stuff? Certainly letting her struggling isn't the best option for her, but seeing an other vet would be an option? How is she now?
To me you certainly not over reacting! I remember being that heart wrecking day when we had to make a decision.. I couldn't even be strong enough to be with him for his last minutes at the vet! I regret it now, but I just couldn't.
Do you know about the candle ceremony tonight? That might be a place to ask other people's opinion! I've noticed that not many around me understands how this feels! Hopefully you'll get some advices and you can stay strong for your baby! If you can't be strong, don't be so hard on yourself! This is definitely the hardest place to be.
Sending you two blessings and please keep me updated! Your story really got to me, and felt like I need to reply.
Biscuits_mom

Registered:
Posts: 13
 #3 
I am so very sorry.  We lost our sweet, 11 yr old dog very suddenly 5 days ago.  The grief is indescribable. We had an active happy dog one day, and then were faced with the very same decision the next.  I completely understand your pain.

Did the vet give you anything more to go on?  How did he come to the decision that "everything is failing"?  Although we trust our vets and they usually know what is best, for me I would need to know more before making this very difficult decision.  Most of us who have been faced with this decision know that we need to do so when our pets are suffering.  But we also know the incredible (but unwarranted) feelings of guilt that creep in afterwards.  Knowing what you are dealing with helps with that.  

Whatever the reason for your baby's illness, know that saying goodbye is a peaceful process and the kindest thing you can do for a loved one who is suffering.  Then, take care of yourself.   
sparksmom

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Posts: 39
 #4 
I am so sorry - very very sorry. I don't know the answer to what you should do in making a decision - but having lost my baby yesterday, if I had only knew she was going to be gone (it was sudden as is with you) I wish I had just another week - day - hour -anything to give her extra love and kisses.  I would do anything to be able to tell her all the things I want to say to her now and show her so much love.  But she is gone and I can't now. But I wish I could

Of course this is if you are sure she has no more time as you did not give details. Make sure the vet gave you clear reasons and not just she is failing.  Like did they run tests to find out? what did they find out from the tests..stuff like that.
Prawncoktail

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #5 
Thankyou everyone for your loving replies, you have no idea how much off a cushion that is to the blow i've just faced.
We took her to an out of hour vets, i wasn't happy with the idea of not doing enough for her at this time, and i wanted second opinions, answers, anything!
We took her, and well, it was a mixed bag of emotions. She found her second wind i guess, she saw the vet and ran over, ears up, tail wagging, just like a pup! She managed to jump in and out of the car, no worries, she ate a bowl of her dinner, and some smoked chicken sausages. For that time, i had my baby back again.
But the other side of the coin, is that this vet went slightly more into detail, it was hard to hear, but she said that she's got Anaemia, a failing kidney, and a bleeding tumour! She said she felt it was progressive, which really annoyed me, as not long ago, she went in for a check up and they said she was generally fine!! - Anyway, the vet told us that as long as she's eating, drinking, and going to the toilet, there's no mediate rush by way of tomorrow.
I feel like i'm another person right now, i'm sat here with a straight face talking facts about my baby.
None of this is real, or at least that's what i want.
Iv'e said i wanted her to have a special day tomorrow, - a day where she's spoiled more than generally, a special dinner, treats, toys, everything that lets her know how much we love her!
It also lets Coco and Toffee say their goodbyes, they already know somethings going on, as they go nowhere without each-other.
I don't know if i answered any questions, i'm sorry if i didn't, and i'm sorry for everyone elses loss, there's nothing any of us can do or say that will ease that pain, despite being in the same boat.
We're left to reside in the fact that we gave our babies everything they ever wanted, they were loved.
Nothing beats knowing that right up until that last moment, and beyond there was unconditional love.

I still feel mentally like i'm five. Iv'e spent most of the night lay in the doorway with the girls, crying my heart out.
I had a chat with Libby, and told her not to be scared, and that no matter what i love her, and she'll always be with me.
Iv'e never felt this kind of pain, it's never been truer a word that when someone says they feel like their heart is breaking.
I feel mine hurting.
Thankyou everyone who has taken the time out to offer your words to me, you have no idea how warming it is to me.

Kacy

Registered:
Posts: 34
 #6 
I agree - I would ask the vet specifically what is going on with Libby.   Did he run bloodwork or any other testing?  For me, I would definitely want to know the diagnosis before I made any decisions. 

So very sorry you are having to go thru this. 
HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #7 
The part where you wrote:"I had a chat with Libby, and told her not to be scared, and that no matter what i love her, and she'll always be with me." made me cry..
Wish I could've been more brave, more together and muvh more support for my baby when he was on his last day. Well I was with him all day, but I didn't really know what to say. What you said to your Libby was beautiful amd heart warming. Glad to hear you don't need to rush your decision tomorrow and you got a second opinion. <3
Prawncoktail

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #8 
Thankyou again.
The second vet we saw took some tests, and although i don't recall exactly what they found, it assured what she said.
Libby's got to a point where she needs to be carried 95% of the time, Coco is clingy with me, and keeps taking toys to Libby to play.
Toffee, who has been with Libby most of her life seems observant, i think she knows, but is quiet.
Last night i dreamt that i kept waking and all of this was a dream.
It wasn't.
I lay with Libby on the sofa last night, put a blanket round her and told her that no matter what she needs to be happy, and comfortable, and that if it's her time, i understand.
It sounds so cliche' to say, but a tear ran down her cheek, which made me cry even more.
Today my Partner is bringing my parents over to say goodbye, they love her too.
We have to sort the vets, and take things that step further.
Thankyou everyone again.
X
sparksmom

Registered:
Posts: 39
 #9 
I have a wonderful book and want to quote something from it...

"We go through life with all kinds of emotional baggage including the fear of dying, but animals don't share that fear.  They don't have the emotional attachment to their bodies as we do.  I believe that the reason many of our pets struggle to stay alive in the final stages of illness is their awareness of our desire to keep them with us.  I know many , many dogs,cats and other pets who relaxed into a tranquil, final sleep as soon as their human companions gave them permission to die.  Thats all they were waiting for.  I have found this to be true of all animals who were in great pain and about to be euthanized, injured animals at the site of the accident and those who were dying in other circumstances."

I believe this to be so true and as I sit here crying and trying to figure it all out with my love I just lost I see that she was trying to hide her illness from me as I have been very sick myself for months now.  She new it would kill me if anything happened to her as I would always say out loud that any stress right now would be very bad for me...

She never showed me she was in pain - had to take where she was not eating and going to the bathroom - all of a sudden - to see how really sick she was.  There were little other signs I thought was her being stressed I was sick - but she didnt look sick.   SHE KNEW IT WOULD KILL ME - AS IT IS!!

I guess I'm not as good a soul as she is because I can't let go....I cry for her no stop.  I tell her I know she wants to go but can't in spirit until I'm ok with it....I'm being selfish I feel but I just miss her and sick over her.....

You are lucky you have had the time to spend last moments with her for extra love - I would do anything to turn the clock back and know ahead of time.  You are lucky in that way...I'm sorry and know the pain you feel right now......may peace be with you

Prawncoktail

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #10 
Thankyou Sparksmom, and i'm sorry for the pain you are enduring too.
I reside in the fact that, no matter what, Libby, as your baby and everyone elses, knew that they were loved.
Nothing can change that.
But i don't know, they say knowing makes it easier, because i have that chance to say goodbye, but it's not necessarily true, this time i have with her, it's spent fussing over her, cuddling, giving her extra treats and fuss, but then i wonder if i'm making this situation into something else, wouldn't she want normality? - Me blowing raspberries on her belly, moaning because they've ripped up another toy?.. In some ways the not knowing would help, because she wouldn't see me like i am.
My partner and i were talking earlier, i had recently given Libby a kiss, and she tried to walk away in typical 'Dad, stop' style.. My partner burst into tears and said he felt like he needed her more than he thinks she needs him.
Maybe that's true.
There's no certain thing that can help us generally, but it softens things somewhat knowing she's loved.
Iv'e printed photo's of me, my partner and Coco and Toffee, to go with her, so she won't be afraid of being alone.
I know she'll ultimately be coming home, and that i have the memories but it's just not the same.
I'm sorry you're suffering too, but you should always know you made your baby happy, you gave them love and made them safe, just like i did.
If nothing else, that alone somehow eases some kind of pain.
X
sparksmom

Registered:
Posts: 39
 #11 
I have had both ways - knowing and not knowing - or shock factor.  I can't really say if either one is easier as both are painful.

This time has been different though and it could be because of a lot of other factors.  It was shocking as in quick for one.  But I do wish I could turn the clock back and love on her more if I knew, maybe not even so much for her as she was pretty much loved, as you say is true, they know they are loved, but more for me to remember a more special quality time I had with her because I knew our time was short...that I do regret not having as I had time with my others that I knew.

It just sucks that we all have to even be here trying to figure this stuff out.  Life is so cruel.  I'm just so down right now.  I think I'm in an angry phase now as in why was my baby taken from me??  She was so sweet...What did she do to deserve this??

I guess its part of the process and I just feel so bad for all this pain we are all going through.  I send you much love to you and Libby.
Prawncoktail

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #12 
I know what you mean.
Libby doesn't deserve this, as any of our babies didn't, and the fact it's happening adds to the turmoil.
The fact i'm the one who is making this decision for her makes me feel like i'm a terrible dad, i feel no matter which way i turn i'm guilt ridden, i look back at things already, and wonder if i had done this, or maybe instead on watching tv, i spent lay with her, and so on..
My partner says i'm too hard on myself, that i need to stop, but she was/is my baby, my responsibility, she relied and still does rely on me to make everything ok.
It certainly does suck that we're in this situation, iv'e never been in this situation before. Although we had family dogs in the past, it's different now, as Libby is mine.
I don't want to be someone who looks back on a memory, i don't want to be the one who forgets she's not here, and shouts her name.
I have my other 2 babies to look after, but i feel like someone's blown out my light.
This is the worst feeling in the world, and i really don't know if i can cope with it.
I'm sending you warm thoughts, and hope somehow you find a certain level of peace.
X

piggy1215

Registered:
Posts: 1
 #13 
I am so sorry for your pain.
I am going through the same right now, which is why I joined this site.
My darling 7 year old guinea pig, Piggy, has been a little more quiet than usual lately, though I didn't take much notice.
On Sunday night, after being away a few days, I found her quite bloated, waddling because of the extra weight. A friend who visited to feed her Saturday morning noticed no extra weight and said she looked fine.
Today, I took her to the vet, where she had an X-ray.
My darling miss Piggy has a large mass of soft tissue in her belly. It's huge. The doctor said it was likely it has been very slowly growing for a while (perhaps a couple weeks, maybe months), and its size increased drastically the past few days. She is so much heavier to lift, and I feel horrible in doing so, worrying that she's in pain from my touch.
The doctor said it is likely cervical cancer, which rabbits and guinea pigs are especially prone to.

The decision was made for her to be put to sleep on Thursday morning.
My mom will be taking her, as I'm 17 and have school.

I feel horrible. I wish I could have spotted this sooner, though I know there's nothing we could have done. She's an absolute angel. So sweet and gentle, great with little kids who poked and jabbed at her and picked her up at funny angles and made her "stand up and dance." She's a squeaker who, when the doctor was examining the inside of her mouth, bit the looking device and pulled it like a puppy dog in a game of tug-of-war.
She's lived a long life for a guinea pig, but I'm in much grief nonetheless.

While I can't give any advice, Prawncocktail, I want to let you know you are not alone in this kind of grieving. Hopefully you and I both will find peace and comfort in the fact that our pets are no longer in suffering.

Sending you and Libby love and prayers.
HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #14 
piggy1215 ~ so sorry to hear what you and sweet Piggy has to go through! Hoping you can stay strong and take care of yourself, but I know it's easier to say then done. Did they give you a more specific diagnosis? Going somewhere else for a second opinion wouldn't be an option?
Blessings to you all!
Prawncoktail

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #15 
Piggy1215, i am terribly sorry to hear of your pain.
It's one of the worst feelings in the world when you question if you could have done something to prevent a situation like ours.
Piggy was undoubtedly loved and well cared for, which is the world to our little loved ones, and they know how much they mean to us too, as we do to them.
I joined this forum for this reason as did you, and although iv'e not found a solution as it were to help me deal with what's happening, it helps knowing that other people can relate.
I do hope you find solace somewhere knowing how much Piggy and you had love for one another, and that the time you had with Piggy will be irreplaceable, and that although this thing happened, in the lead up to it, we gave our babies the best we could have hoped for.
Warm wishes to you and Piggy.
X

Prawncoktail

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #16 
Libby passed this evening peacefully.
She felt it time to rest, she was happy knowing that she made her both Dads, and Coco and Toffee's life as special as it was with her in it.
There will be no way i can ever express my thanks to her for making me complete.
I will never know a love, like the love i feel for my Girl.
We're all extremely devastated at home, but found a small amount of comfort that she went to sleep extremely fast with her head in the hands of her Parents.
Thankyou x
HeartBroken12

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Posts: 158
 #17 
I've been wondering about Libby... thank you for the update. So sorry for her passing!! Sending blessings to you and your family
Prawncoktail

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #18 
Thankyou, she was so peaceful.
My partner and i have spent all evening talking about her, funny stories and such, it hurts, but it made us realise even more how amazing she is.
Thankyou for thinking of us. x
sparksmom

Registered:
Posts: 39
 #19 
Hi Prawncocktail,

I hope you and your partner are doing ok....I almost felt I knew Libby now.  I know how much you loved her.  She is playing with our babies now. 

I'm so sorry...sending you a big hug
Prawncoktail

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #20 
Thankyou Sparksmom for your message, My partner and i seem, oh i don't know, confused for lack of any other term.
We have 2 other dogs, Coco and Toffee, who depend on us as much as Libby did, and it's hard not to fall into the habit of wanting to give up when we have to be happy, and full of play for them.
All we've done since Libbys passing, is talk about her, we've set up a memory box with some of her things, and have set up photo's around the house which is nice.
But there are times, when i sit there, and find myself watching a few seconds of TV, or i laugh, or smile at something one of the other 2 is doing, then i snap back to reality, and find myself apologising to Libbys photo for not having her on my mind for that second.
It's honestly turmoil. 
My Partner seems to be strong for us all, he's sorting the girls, cooking, everything, when i just find myself reading things online searching for what to do, or breaking down crying at random times.
Libbys hair is everywhere, like tumbleweeds, and it's difficult because i'm generally very house proud, but i'd feel guilty if i were to hoover, or move anything, because it's change, it's things i'm doing without her.
I'm sorry my reply is long winded, i feel that if i keep talking about her, she'll always be here, and so that's what i do, as much as i can, and when i'm not, i'm writing her letters.
Everything that happens from the point she left, i feel is an insult, because it's happening without her.
I know i can't keep beating myself up, nor living in turmoil, but even though my body feels numb, i just don't feel like anything is fair, that i'm not allowed to move on when i'm so desperate for her to be back.
It's only been one real day, yet it feels like it's been forever.
I hope she's having fun, that she's thinking about me, as i am about her, and i hope in time, she'll visit me n my dreams.
My nan always said, that we relive our life over and over, so if that's true, i look forward to the say i relive the moment i met her for the first time.



Thankyou again Sparksmom - I hope you are coping well x
sparksmom

Registered:
Posts: 39
 #21 
I have things I want to say to you and my husband just walked in from work...I'll be back as so many things I can relate to with the house proud and stuff....

My husband not doing to well through this as he's been having to cater to me - now my turn to cater to him

I hope you and your partner, Coco and Toffee are managing today.  You are in my thoughts as is everyone on here is in my thoughts.  Hugs!!
Prawncoktail

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #22 
Thankyou again, 

It's a terrible situation that's brought us all here, i feel like i'm all alone, even though i'm not, nothing makes sense anymore.
It's good you and your husband have one another, it's times like this that really bond us to the humans we love too.

Today has been odd - Not as much crying from me, but lots of guilt, tiredness, and general feelings of being lost and alone.
My partner is silent, i know he's hurting, but is dealing with his grief much differently to me.
The girls - Toffee, and Coco, they're ok, Coco is the same pup as ever - Jumping and barking, wanting to play, whereas Toffee just wants to sleep and cuddle.

Sending both you and your husband warm wishes.


sparksmom

Registered:
Posts: 39
 #23 
My husband is more the silent type, too.  But I know he is taking it hard.  We just have a different way of expressing our grief.  I know what you mean about the bonding.  Times like these tend to make us feel we never know what our last words will be to someone else - so make them kind.

When I saw the house proud it made me think of how I am a constant cleaner..lol.  I have not vacuumed or done floors since she has passed as her furs are still there and don't want to disturb them. I don't have any energy anyway right now.  Funny how you clean to get the furs up and now I don't clean because I don't want to get the furs up. 

I hope you are doing better today.  Each day gets a little better - not great or anything - far from that, but it's getting functional to some point.

I hope your family finds contentment and peace.
Always__there

Registered:
Posts: 123
 #24 
HELLO PC>
Heartfelt at the reading of your memos. Certainly a hard journey we all find ourselves in and we all heal at different levels. Emotions are still raw for many even after many moons and so it goes. When an animal touches your SOUL-- it is FOREVER and that is a good thing. As for me I try to see the TOTAL MOVIE of PERRY'S LIFE VS the snapshot of his ending. All the years of companionship and unconditional love they give to us is certainly worth the grieving process in the end, I believe. Those MEMORIES, firmly planted in each and every one of our HEARTS--- FOREVER.
May you take solace. Peace to You,    SherryXXPerryXX
Prawncoktail

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #25 
Thankyou Always_There your reply is lovely.
I fully understand what you mean in regard to life being a movie, and the end being the snapshot, that's a good way of putting it. 
The memories will certainly always be implanted within our hearts as you say, for us all.
And it is true we heal at different levels, cope in different ways, and although we share the same goal, the journey is a traitorous one, we do get there eventually, my days are feeling better, i smile more when i think of my girl, and i talk of her as often as i can without it being a cover my mouth moment. 
I hope your journey is one which is getting better for you.
Always remember, that even baby steps are a big step.
Sending you warm wishes.
And thankyou again 😉
Always__there

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Posts: 123
 #26 
Hello PC >
                   .             Thinking of You this day and...
                                 May her Memory be a Blessing...
                                 Do speak of Libby often, by doing so, Libby lives On..........
                    
                                 SherryXPerryX
Prawncoktail

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #27 
Thankyou Always_There, that is so kind of you!
I talk of my girl as often as i can, she's always on my mind.
I do hope you are well too 

😉X
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