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Lulusmom

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Posts: 8
 #1 
3 weeks and 2 days since I had made the quick decision to euthanize my soulmate and best friend. My lulu had really bad arthritis and on 10/17 started to walk sideways and then almost like she was drunk and couldn't stand. This got worse with in 24-hrs and I knew I couldn't drag her to the vet to be given a bottle of pain pills or see her suffer. She hated the vet so I called someone here to my home to put her down. She went peacefully in my arms. I thought I knew it was time. I thought I made the right choice. She was 16 and my entire life. I had her half of my life, I just turned 32.

The regret I feel is so strong. Why didn't I wait to see if she would get better. Why didn't I wait a few days more to be with her. My heart is broken and the hate I feel for myself or possible wrong decision is awful.

Im lost and brokenhearted. I look for her everyday 
cosesmom

Registered:
Posts: 580
 #2 
Dearest LuLu's mom,
Your feelings are normal. I've been where you are now and I can tell you that it's a very dark place. I read a long time ago that it was better to let them go one day too early than one day to late. You wouldn't have wanted your sweet LuLu to suffer anymore. Please believe that you did the right thing. We always listen to our hearts and not our heads when it comes to love. She left this world in the safest place and most loved arms of her mom. Regret is always the biggest right beside grief. There will always be what ifs and I should haves, I know I did. I second guessed myself for a very long time and all it did was keep me in deep grief and I couldn't look back and see the whole journey that I shared with my beloved Termy.  He to lived to be over 16. He stopped eating and drinking that final week and afterward I second guessed myself. I thought maybe he only needed his teeth cleaned that's why he stopped eating but I truly believe he would have passed in surgery and not in my arms. So waiting could have Made LuLu suffer more. You wouldn't have wanted her to die in a painful way so what you did was out of love. Please don't hate yourself, this is not the legacy that LuLu set you up for. She taught you unconditional love. She would want you to love yourself as she loved you. You are her hero. You will continue to look for her for awhile and cry a lot. But one day you will be able to look back on the entire journey and not the last few days. The entire journey is what LuLu made and shared with you. You heart will be heavy with sadness for some time but smiles will one day brighten your face. It's been over two years for me and I still shed tears for Termy but I have finally let him go by not holding him to this earthly world with my grief instead I hold him in my heart.
I am sending you my understanding and hope you find peace
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
grievingmom

Registered:
Posts: 639
 #3 
I always hate to say "that's normal" because I feel like I may come across as an armchair psychologist (which I am not!). But it is 'normal' to look for our beloved. Right now you are still in shock and disbelief....and so because it isn't real to you yet, of course you would be looking for Lulu. 

I literally went to a field one night looking for Tum months after she died. I was calling her name too. I was in such disbelief that in that state of mind I thought I might be mistaken and perhaps she was still alive.

My heart goes out to you. Please keep sharing.

God bless you,
Stephanie
Lulusmom

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #4 
@cosesmom and @grievingmom

Thank you both so much for what you said. It has helped me through this dark time more than I can express.

Love and hugs

Nichole aka Lulus mom
grievingmom

Registered:
Posts: 639
 #5 
You are welcome.

Keep us updated on how you are.

- Stephanie
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