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cotonlove

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 #1 
Three weeks ago, we lost our puppy. She was only 9 months. She died unexpectedly and tragically, having gone from a happy puppy to passing away in just 5 days. She had a severe onset of HGE and her little body just didn't make it. We stayed by her side, at the vets, through every moment of it, watching the machines being hooked up to her, counting her every blink, checking her temperature, holding her paw when she threw up and talking to her all the time. We fought until the very last moment. There was nothing anyone could have done anymore but god knows we have really tried. She slipped away quietly, having stopped breathing. I screamed and I cried. I d not think I have yet accepted it. 

The first few mornings I barely got out of bed. I teared up most of the day, including at work. She was our first dog. Indeed, she was more than just a dog. We loved her so very much and I do not know how to fill this void. She left us so early and was cheated out of so many years of life and memories that she could and would have had. We loved her with all our might and we always will.

Her ashes have come back to us and so have her paw prints. I avoid thinking about it. I know she is not here anymore but at the same time, if I ruminate on it too long, I think my heart will begin to break all over again. I am barely holding it together, as it is. She came to me during a very difficult time in my life. She got me out of myself and out of my clinical depression. She made me smile every day. Yes, we had our hard moments but she was my reason for going home every night. It is really hard to sit around in silence now, which is why barely a few days after, I went on an auto pilot and got in touch with breeders, as I knew I would have to wait to get another puppy of this breed. Initially, I was so sure I wanted a girl but, some days later, I got an email from a breeder who had a boy available. The last boy of the litter who could be with me in 4 weeks time. Despite never having had male dogs, I said yes to that, having realised I do not even know how to choose another female's name and I do not think I can welcome another puppy that is very similar to my girl into my life. I figured a boy will be different and will help me open my heart to him and not compare him to my girl. I figured I was doing the right thing. 

The puppy will be with me in 4 weeks time. The sadness and grief have not gone away - not that I was expecting them to. But I feel like now that all the busyness of looking for a pup has calmed down, I am finally getting to really sit with all of the real effects of my puppy's death. I can't function properly, all I feel is apathy. I look at the pictures of this pup who I am supposed to love in 4 weeks time and I can't help but feel scared. I gave all of my heart to my little girl and I wonder if there is all that much left in me. Another puppy phase, another potty training period... A male puppy. It terrifies me. I cannot back out now (I have paid a deposit too) and I know my life would be emptier without a pup - hell, it really is! But how do I do this all over again, so soon? 

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