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Missing

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #1 
He was only 5 years old. I can't find comfort in anything knowing that one fact. I always read and hear about people losing their pets at 10+ years old, and while that doesn't make their grieving any less harder than mine, I would do anything to have had another 5 years.

Niz was my whole life since I got him at 6 weeks old. I was that annoying person who always posted pictures of their cats, always talked about my cats, spent all my money on my cats, knew their birthday's and celebrated them.

We don't know what happened. One day I notice him sleeping a lot, so we brought him into the vet. I never trusted this vet, but I did it anyways. A month goes by and he's getting worse and worse, and no one knows why. I take him to a second opinion, and they tell me he's already mentally fading. He was barely there. He did one exam, and felt instantly that his kidneys were covered with lumps. He couldn't give me an exact answer, but he told me it was probably too late. He gave me an estimate of things he could do, but he said there was already too much damage that he would never recover from.

I had my entire life planned, and starting this year big changes were going to happen. But losing him, I feel like nothing is worth it. Everything I was going to do doesn't feel right without him.

When I first got him, I instantly looked up cat life spans (he was my first cat ever) and I was so happy that I wouldn't have to worry until I was in my 30's. This all came 10 years too soon.

All I have are people telling me what an amazing and unique cat he was and how they'll miss seeing him too. But they don't have to deal with the immense grief that I have to. His death fades from their lives, but it never will from mine.

His best friend that he left behind is so lonely and sad. I know the right thing for him would be to get him another friend, like he was to Niz. But I could never love a cat like I did Niz. And I feel selfish for not ever wanting another cat, because that means my other cat is going to be so lonely. But if I get another one, and I don't love it like I did Niz, I would feel guilty too. But I don't want to love another cat like I did him. And it would break my heart seeing my other cat love a new cat like he did Niz.

I will never be able to listen to songs that I used to replace lyrics with his name. I sung to him nonstop all day, and now it's so quiet. It's the first day I've been alone, and it hurts so much. I don't even know what to do with myself.

You always think that 'this will never happen to me'. When he was sick, people were telling me to be prepared to lose him, and I always brushed them off. No way could I lose him, he's only 5.

I had the money, but not even that could have saved him. I know the cliche that 'he wouldn't want me to stop my life' but it doesn't make it any less harder to continue with my plans. I don't want anything but him, and I can never have that again. I was making them a bed, why couldn't I have finished that while he was still here? After removing his food dish from his spot, it looked so empty. I thought about buying something for my other cat to fill the hole, but why couldn't I have bought that when Niz was still here?

It's hard to see his fur everywhere still, on my clothes, the couch, the bed. But I know it'll hurt more when I stop seeing it, because that's a reminder that he's really gone.

I haven't had many pet loses. I lost a family dog when she was 10, and a kitten we had for only a week. He was there for all of those though. And he's not here to help me through his own.

I went out and purchased a stand for him. I got vases and flowers and a big picture of him. When his ashes arrive, they'll go with the rest. It's the least I could do for him. I wish I could have done more for him when he was here. All the days I went out, all the hours spent on the computer or watching tv, why didn't I spent that with him?


But how could I know that I would lose my soul mate at 5 years old...
MyBoys

Registered:
Posts: 31
 #2 
Aw, honey I'm sorry! What you're going through sounds brutal. And you're right. Losing my sweet boy at 14 was better than losing him sooner, when there seems to be so much life and promise left. I know this because before Keppe's passing, I also grew up with cats. I lived with two cats for 13 years, when they both passed away 6 weeks apart. It was heartwrenching and we immediately went out and adopted two kittens - Laverne and Shirley. Well, both of them were gone just a year later. (One hit by a car, the other disappearing a month later - we think to find the other). I lost it. Completely. You feel this overwhelming sense of guilt when they pass that young, because it doesn't seem natural and therefore there must be something you could have done to prevent it. But sweetie, that's not how it works. Cats don't live longer because you give them more or less love or attention. They live just as long as they're supposed to and while they're on this earth they make life a little better for us frail human beings. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you made the best decision you could for Niz. And to be fair, all the cats I have loved and lost just want to be with their human. The bed you didn't finish in time, he didn't need it. Because he had you. Niz's buddy doesn't need a new friend. He just needs you. It's not selfish of you not to get another cat. It's completely selfless. Your heart is broken and you don't want to give a broken heart to a new cat. 

This morning I heard my cat Bruce meowing at me. (He's been doing that a lot these days, missing his friend) And out of habit, I called out to Keppe. (Keppe was the meower) It was a complicated moment. Because while I miss my buddy, I realized there will always be pieces of him around me. Things he did that made me smile and that one day, when the pain gets a little lighter, I'll smile at them again.

I'm sure this reply won't give you comfort. I don't think there's anything that can. Niz would want you to be happy, of course. But, he would also understand if you weren't. That's what they do, isn't it? Have the uncanny ability to make us feel better when we feel awful? And one day he'll do that again, you'll look through pictures or look at Niz's buddy and smile at the time you spent with him. 


Missing

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #3 
Thank you so much for your words. They actually did help me a lot, especially the bed part.

I'm at the point where I constantly feel that need to cry, but nothing comes out. I've cried for 3 days straight, and even a day before I lost him because I was so scared. This feels worse than crying, because at least when you cry, you feel some relief. I just can't cry anymore.

I haven't even had a meal since the lunch before he passed away. I can only force myself to eat once a day and it's never much because I can barely keep it down.

I constantly ask him to help me with my life now. We were on the verge of moving, but I don't think I want to anymore. I don't want to move to a place he's never been, and that there's not a drop of his fur or scent there.

I had a dream last night that we got another kitten. I said not to tell anyone "in case he died". But I felt guilty for getting it the entire dream. I don't think I ever wouldn't feel guilt.

I wasn't alone all day yesterday, but tomorrow will be my first entire day alone. My other cat is off and on about wanting to be loved and wanting to be left alone. I'm trying to do my best in supporting him because I know he's grieving too. He was the baby. Niz cleaned him all the time, even hours before we took him in to be put to sleep, Niz licked his face one last time.

I know grieving is different for everyone, but I hate not knowing what to expect, or knowing how long it's going to hurt so bad.

I'm thinking about writing down all the things that he did to make him unique, and adding it to his memorial stand. But I don't think there's enough paper in the world to ever finish that.

I just want to cry, but I can't.
MyBoys

Registered:
Posts: 31
 #4 
Missing - You need to do what is best for you. Some of that is taking some time to respect your feelings. Cry when it comes and if it doesn't, just take care of yourself. That includes eating. Even if it's a spoon of soup, a piece of toast or a cup of tea. 

As for your plans. It's ok that they're up in the air now. It's ok that you don't want to move and it's perfectly understandable that you dread going to a new place that Niz never knew or got to leave his mark. But, you should know that Niz loved your home because you were there and he would love any home that you were in. So it doesn't matter where you live or where you go, because the little one will go wherever you are. 

Cats handle their grief too. So, when Niz's brother is quiet and content, take solace in it. When he's needy and seems sad, join him and love him. He'll miss his brother for sure, but I hope there's some comfort in knowing that having you there for him will make it easier. 

I think it's a great idea to write out your feelings for your little one! It will give you a place to remember how happy he made you. And even though that might make you sad now, you'll smile one day remembering them. I think you can expect to feel this way for some time. And even though, it's easier said than done, don't worry about when the pain will end or how long you'll feel this way. Because it will subside one day whether you focus on it or not. It's been three days since my boy left. The apartment seems empty without him. But, I have his brother to help me remember that for 7 years we were a family and that doesn't change now that he's not here. That means, we go on because we're supposed to be the ones to remember them. To remind the world that there are lovely, sweet furballs who gave us joy and happiness. I donated some money to the rescue that saved Keppe and it made me feel better to know that his life inspired me to help another little kitty find a better life. You're memorial stand can do that for you. 
MyBoys

Registered:
Posts: 31
 #5 
Missing - You need to do what is best for you. Some of that is taking some time to respect your feelings. Cry when it comes and if it doesn't, just take care of yourself. That includes eating. Even if it's a spoon of soup, a piece of toast or a cup of tea. 

As for your plans. It's ok that they're up in the air now. It's ok that you don't want to move and it's perfectly understandable that you dread going to a new place that Niz never knew or got to leave his mark. But, you should know that Niz loved your home because you were there and he would love any home that you were in. So it doesn't matter where you live or where you go, because the little one will go wherever you are. 

Cats handle their grief too. So, when Niz's brother is quiet and content, take solace in it. When he's needy and seems sad, join him and love him. He'll miss his brother for sure, but I hope there's some comfort in knowing that having you there for him will make it easier. 

I think it's a great idea to write out your feelings for your little one! It will give you a place to remember how happy he made you. And even though that might make you sad now, you'll smile one day remembering them. I think you can expect to feel this way for some time. And even though, it's easier said than done, don't worry about when the pain will end or how long you'll feel this way. Because it will subside one day whether you focus on it or not. It's been three days since my boy left. The apartment seems empty without him. But, I have his brother to help me remember that for 7 years we were a family and that doesn't change now that he's not here. That means, we go on because we're supposed to be the ones to remember them. To remind the world that there are lovely, sweet furballs who gave us joy and happiness. I donated some money to the rescue that saved Keppe and it made me feel better to know that his life inspired me to help another little kitty find a better life. You're memorial stand can do that for you. 
maxsMandD

Registered:
Posts: 1,270
 #6 
So very sorry for your loss of Niz. He is once again young and healthy at the Bridge.  ((hugs))   maxsMandD
Lasweetbaby33

Registered:
Posts: 377
 #7 
Missing,

Awww my heart is hurting for you right now. It's terrible all that you are going through right now, I know it's very hard to lose a best friend, our companion, or everything. Especially the way you have lost your beloved pet, I never thought that we were able to lose a pet do to any type of illness. I only thought that humans were the only ones that were able to suffer from those terrible pains. But now after being in this site I been reading a lot people's post stating that they have lost their pets due to a terrible illness and they have to put them to sleep. I never been trough that experience as of yet but just by reading others it seems like a hard decision that anyone could ever make. Especially if it has to do in regards to our babies. May I ask when did you have to make this terrible decision about your beloved pet to be put to sleep? I also can relate to your pain because I'm feeling almost the same way that you are right now. I recently lost my baby princess last week due that a car hit her right in front of my house. I also regret not spending time with her, and always being in the computer, or watching tv or doing anything else with her. but who will of known that their life's would of end so soon we never know.

Its not our fault that our beloved pets are gone it's just their time to go just like humans do. But just think that your precious baby will always remind in your heart in their is nothing that could ever replace her. I know that your grief might be fresh still but never say that you will never be able to love another cat again like you with your last one. Because I just to think the same way you are doing now, but we just say it because we are feeling depress, sad, angry at our selves for not being able to do anything for our babies. We might feel that we fail them and blame ourselves for almost everything that is the reason we might feel that we are no longer going to have the heart to love any other pet as we did the old one. But I can only say that you will sooner or later because I was able to love a new kitty that was brought into my life after 6 days after my princess passed away. And guess what? at first a was upset and avoiding my new pet, but then as the days had gone by my sweet blanquita was able to gain my love with her kindness she is still a baby just like my princess was. But now I know that my princess is not suffering anymore and both of pets are in rainbow bridge playing together and thinking about those wonderful moments we gave them.

I know that maybe their is nothing that could give you comfort at this time but at least I want to try to be here for you and also understanding you. I'm still new to this site but ever since I been coming here I been meeting some wonderful people that are very understanding an are always offering their support whenever I need it. An now I'm offering you mine if you ever feel alone or in need of someone just to talk or listen to you. Don't hesitate to contact me. you can always email me I usually log in here every day. please accept my most sincere sympathy and hopefully that you will start to feel better take care.

Hugs to you


Sincerely,

"Mayra"

Princess mommy
Missing

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #8 
Thank you everyone for helping me through your own grief.

I lost my baby just a few days ago. Each day is getting worse and I know when his ashes arrive, I will just reset.

It's harder because I don't have anyone here. I don't live near any family, and I never got close to anyone. He was the glue that kept me together. I woke up for him, I smiled for him.

I try to get better but all I can do is wake up, lay in bed crying all morning, eat something very small at noon, cry all afternoon in bed, be numb at night, then cry myself to sleep.

I'm trying to lose myself in a TV show but I catch myself spacing out at the wall and thinking about him.

I feel bad because I keep trying to cuddle my other cat for comfort like I hugged Niz, but he never was affectionate like that, so I get mad that he doesn't want to help me feel better when he runs off. But I know it's not his fault.

I'm considering getting grief help, but I think it will be better to wait and try to get through it. I know there's others who've suffered longer than me.

I've seen things that could be signs he's still with me. The day after I lost him, I saw three car licence plates with his name all within one hour while I was buying things for his memorial, and while searching for grief help and memorial things, I see ads and pictures of cats that look like him. I'll never know if they're really signs, but it feels better just thinking they are.

I want to try to bond with my other cat in case something ever happens to him, but I feel like it's too late. I brought him in as a kitten for Niz and Niz raised him. He was Niz's cat. He seems to just love other cats and food. I don't know how to appeal to his needs. I know I'll never have that same bond like I did with Niz, but something a fraction as much could help.

Never saying all his nicknames is like someone saying I can no longer say the word "the". Not ever having that relationship is like saying I can no longer feel a feeling like excitement ever again.

Thank you all again for the words. I'm hurting so bad dealing with this without words from others. Just seeing there's a reply dries my tears for a moment. I don't know where I'd be without having a place to vent and get support.
Fionasmum

Registered:
Posts: 730
 #9 
This is grief.  Pure and simple.  Everything you've written, everything you're feeling, has touched all of us in one way or another.  But this is unique - because it's you and Niz and this is the only relationship of its kind that has ever existed between two individuals. I didn't know him, but my heart breaks just the same.

And you're right - not knowing what to expect is simply awful - I remember asking people on this board when I first came here just how LONG I'd feel this terrible pain because I thought if I had a date to work towards then surely I could just survive and somehow things would be 'okay' again.  How naive I was.  

I've often thought that instead of saying I was 'grieving' I should have said that I was living in 'never-neverland'.  I would NEVER love another creature as much as I loved Fiona.  I would NEVER 'get over' the fact she died so young.  I would NEVER feel her soft fur or heartbeat against my hand, loving her and holding her.

The terrible fact is that all of these 'nevers' are true.  Nothing can restore your beautiful little cat to you any more than my little dog Fiona can come back to me.  This situation is final, unchangeable, breathtakingly permanent, so harsh and ugly. All the little silly songs, games, secrets the two of you shared are now frozen in time because you'll build no new memories with Niz.  There is now, and always will be, a Niz-shaped hole in your heart that no other cat, no other relationship, will ever replace. All true.  All so grim, and all very real.  Grief descends like a cloud, covering all the light that ever existed between you and Niz.   

So, here you are, in the early days of grief when the world is grey, food tastes like cardboard, and all plans, thoughts, goals, and dreams for the future have died on the vine.  You don't remember that you ever felt good, even joyful, long before Niz entered your life.  You can't recall that you laughed, you loved, you felt carefree, you felt joyful and spontaneous and like you belonged with your friends and family just five short years ago.  Instead, you believe that Niz created these wonderful emotions so, therefore, without him there can be no possibility of happiness or love ever again.  Written like this it seems absurd but grief has a strange way of twisting and distorting the world.

Many of the plans and goals you had included Niz - because you had no idea that a five year-old cat wouldn't be with you for a long time to come. Your identity and sense of what 'normal' looked like always had Niz as part of the equation.  To lose yourself - along with Niz - is what's so very hard to come to terms with.  This has never happened to you before so how can you even remotely know how to think, act, behave?  There is just this shocking, consuming sadness that colours everything, makes sense of nothing, and offers no hope.  

But here I am, four years after being where you are, to tell you that Niz deserves every ounce of this grief, every tear (shed or not), that you cry, and every physical pain you feel in your heart.  He is worth this terrible emotional place because he was yours, he mattered to you, and he always will.  His mark on your heart is deep and permanent.  Even his death cannot change this truth.  And although you'll never 'get over' his loss, I promise you with all my heart that you will get through it.

Niz died - you did not - and to betray everything he taught you about yourself, about love, about friendship, about LIFE would be worse than losing him.  He LIVED every day, secure in your presence, in the moment, attuned to the needs of the relationships he had with you and his little cat companion. This is an example my own little dog Fiona set and I promised her that I would honour her memory by refusing to let her death defeat me.  Instead, I would allow her life - and her example - to inspire me.  

But this decision came after the grief had run its terrible lonely course.  And it's simply too early to make decisions about what you'll do with the next four minutes much less the next four days or four years.  Feel this grief, let it wash over you, and believe that Niz has left you so many gifts that will carry you forward to whatever future is in front of you.  I don't know what that looks like any more than you do, but I do know that it's every bit as wonderful and promising as the one you thought was there.  But you won't believe that today.  Or even tomorrow.  But you will soon, I KNOW this.  Niz will not allow his memory to stay tied to this darkness much longer.  And it's his light that will lead you out of this darkness to whatever is in front of you.

I know how hard this is.  I know how much you don't understand or really hear what I say.  I know how badly you just want him back, and my heart breaks for you.  I also know that all other relationships you'll ever create, with people or cats, will never threaten the love you reserve for Niz alone.  No matter how many other cats come into your life, or not, they are not replacements for Niz because that would be like saying I could replace my brother, who died, with 'another brother'.  Not possible.

Be at peace Niz, your person will find the way forward, and you'll always be safe inside a heart that loves you forever.  I promise you.   

 

    


Missing

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #10 
Fionasmum, I just want you to know that I felt a heart beat in my soul again after reading what you wrote. I'm so sorry for your losses. Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me and support me in my horrible loss... It's really amazing to me, because just an hour before I read your post, I said that he deserved every tear and more. I just felt bad for not crying during my numb stages.

I felt really numb tonight. Enough to use the computer for more than 5 minutes. It feels like I ran out of tears. Then I feel guilty for not showing him how hurt I am. But I know he knows...

My husband said he wants to go look at kittens. He says that he knows that Niz was my whole life, and that he feels since I feel like I have no purpose anymore, that I won't start to heal unless I have a purpose.

I don't want a new kitten, I just want Niz. I know it's not betraying him, but it still feels wrong to try to cover up the pain with a new kitten. I think he just wants me to warm up to the idea, but it hurts thinking about it.

If it was just me, I'd never even think about it. But I look into Niz's old friend's eyes, and I see how lonely he is. I can't offer him what another cat can. I don't want him to hurt, but I don't want to hurt more...

We got a call from the vet, and they received his ashes today. We had him sent off to a specialist that deals with cremated pets only. They should send him tomorrow and I hope we'll get him Friday. If not, I assume Tuesday. I think then I'll hold some kind of ceremony so I can find a quiet moment to tell him everything I've already told him.

I know Niz would never want me to be sad forever, I still subconsciously think that I want to mourn him forever to prove how much I loved him. But I know I've already proved how much I loved him when he was here. I know he knows that now for sure.

I know tomorrow morning will be the worst. Mornings are always the worst. My body recovers overnight, and the tears instantly start flowing. I know I'll be back to let out the new hurt of the day.

Why can't we just visit them? Once a year is plenty...
Missing

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #11 
IThis morning is horrible... I feel so numb and I could barely get any tears out... I woke at 5am with our cat laying between  us which he hasn't done since Niz got sick. He went around meowing and laying in all the places they used to lay together... I'm so frustrated that I can't cry anymore. It feels like I'm beginning to move on and I'm not ready to move on.

I have to leave the house today which will take so much effort. And leaving my cat here alone breaks my heart. I know he hurts when we do that. He lays by the door until we return.

I don't recognize this life I have. When I lost Niz, my heart fell to the floor and shattered. He picked up the biggest piece and left. Now I have to figure out how to put these little pieces back, when the biggest piece is gone. And I'll never get that piece back. And I just want to reunite with him to make it whole again.

My eyes instantly burn and itch when I try to cry. I hate it. I said I'd never want to love another cat, but everyone keeps telling me my other cat needs a buddy. I know my husband needs something to help him. Everyone is ready except me. It's only been 5 days, but then again, it's been a long 5 days. It feels like 5 minutes, yet 5 years. 

I don't want anybody else but him. But it seems my other cat and husband need someone. I don't want anyone to hurt, but I don't want to hurt either.

It'll also kill me to see my other cat love somecat else.

Everything seems wrong and right at the same time. Why is everyone else ready except me? I don't want to be the reason for their prolonged pain because I wasn't ready.

Oh baby Niz. I need a sign.... I miss you so bad. There's no more light in my life. This isn't my life. You were the center of my life and now I'm empty.
Fionasmum

Registered:
Posts: 730
 #12 
This is just so intensely hard.  The one thing you want most in this world is the ONLY thing you cannot have.  You can have anything else at all - just not this.

I know what you want and I know how badly you want it.  I know that you hope an exception will be made in this case - and that somehow this judgment can be over-turned so that Niz will walk through the door and into your arms where he belongs.  This agony of wanting is a physical pain, torture, hell, desperate.  Please, please just give him back to me and I'll do anything.  You can't accept the word never and you don't want to move on because there's nothing you see ahead that is anywhere near as precious as what's now behind you.  

These are the words you hear in your head and feel in your soul.  You cannot be comforted, you cannot be made to see any options, and you cannot allow yourself to move into this day, or the next, with even a thought of letting him go and trying to 'move on'.  The idea of getting a kitten is horrifying for you - not because you want to deny your other pet or your family the chance to be comforted - but to look and see another creature in the space that Niz is supposed to occupy is simply unbearable. It's just not RIGHT.  It's not normal.  It's unthinkable.

All these feelings, and more, existed in my heart in the few days and weeks after I lost Fiona.  Nothing would help - absolutely nothing - and I would not be moved from this position in spite of well-meaning advice to the contrary.  Just like you.  I hadn't come to terms with the fact that this was real and it was happening - that she was actually never coming back.  I was in shock, frozen in the moment she died, and had not even started to process what my life would be without her.  I literally didn't WANT to feel better because somehow this might mean I didn't really love her.

The people who told me to get a new pup were trying to help - I know that - but I got angry, because I felt rushed or pushed into having to make a decision I could not make.  My brother had died in a car accident the same week as Fiona passed away so I was just really a shell of a person - a shadow.  I responded angrily by saying, "Oh, and I suppose you would tell me to 'get another brother' since he's gone too, right?"  I didn't recognize this ugly person but then no one around me recognized just what Fiona had meant to me.  I didn't distinguish between her value and my brother's value in my life - I simply loved them both and they'd both been taken away in a shocking span of some 7 days.

I HEAR you when you say you're not ready at this moment to make any decisions concerning the future.  I HEAR you when you say you don't want another kitten because you just want Niz.  And I HEAR you when you ask why everyone else seems ready to move ahead except you.

From what I can tell from your writing, you're not in a place to make a decision about what's for dinner much less who you might invite into your home for a life-stay.  Is it possible to tell people around you that you know they're trying to help and you appreciate it from the bottom of your heart but that you're just not capable of making any important decisions today - or tomorrow - or even next week?  That you need time, space, and support to allow this grief to run its course.  That you want to make positive decisions with a clearer head and a stronger outlook.  

Intellectually, you might understand just a little that your other cat would be comforted with a new friend.  Intellectually you might understand that your friends and family would feel better if they thought you had something to distract you, even interest you beyond your grief for Niz - that they're trying to do anything to help you.  But your heart is a few days behind your head - emotional jet lag, I call it.  In this case, knowledge is not power - because the grief makes you feel so hopeless and so powerless, doesn't it?

Intellectually, and in my heart, I knew that hope came wrapped in a fur coat.  I knew that life is worth living when it's shared by people and creatures who give and receive love. I knew that Fiona would have loved the idea of me finding a way forward because it would honour her example.  I knew that I could no more replace her than I could replace my brother.  But my heart was not ready to accept any of these truths until several months after the fog started to lift and the grief left me alone even for just a few moments at a time.

You're nowhere near this place yet, I can tell from your painful notes.  But you are very capable of asking for breathing room, space, and however much support you need to grieve and offer this time to Niz and Niz alone.  Grieving for Niz is literally the very last thing you will ever do for him so I believe with all my heart that you owe it to yourself and to Niz to do just what you're doing, no matter how hard it is. I know he's worth it.  And I know you're worth it. I promise you this gets better.  I just wish I could tell you when.    

 
Missing

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #13 
You're saying everything I'm feeling to a T.

Last night my husband came home with a kitten... He said he went to look and there was just this one kitten left, all by himself. His birthday is a month after Niz's.

I feel beyond horrible having this kitten around. My other cat absolutely hates him. I normally cry all morning for Niz, but I had to take care of this kitten. I feel like I'm being beyond disrespectful to Niz by dealing with this kitten instead of grieving for him.

I feel like it was all the wrong choice. The ONLY reason I was going to accept a new cat into my home, was for my other cat. But he absolutely hates him. I know, give it time. But even though I know it's wrong to compare, Niz never hissed at another cat, ever. He instantly welcomed every cat, and the cat always loved him back. Niz hissed only three times in his life. They were all due to pain/getting blood work.

I even picked up my other cat who ended up growling at the same time. Not sure if at me, or just cause he was irritated that there was someone new.

I regret it so much, that I'm refusing to tell anyone about him. I feel like I'm doing something really bad by keeping him around. Again, if I was alone I would never get another cat. No way I could love it like Niz, and it's not fair for a kitten to get only part of me. It was for my other cat, and he hates him and it's putting so much stress on him. The one reason I would accept one, isn't working out.

I feel disgusted when I laugh when I see him running and falling. I don't want to like him. I want him gone. I want Niz.

I also said that grieving for Niz is the last thing I'll do for him. That's why I'm so scared for it to end. I've been numb yesterday and today. I NEED to cry for him, but I can only barely get out a few tears before my body shuts it down.

I'm afraid my other cat won't be happy now, or he'll just tolerate him. He is part of Niz. Niz raised him, I didn't. I feel like I'm letting Niz down because his brother isn't happy.

I hate that everything is so confusing. Nothing seems right. I feel bad for my husband because he's the only one I can talk to, and I just constantly vent the same things over and over again. I know he's hurting too, and he has his professional life to deal with.

I try so hard to fight all the negative thoughts, the what-ifs. What if we could have done something? What if we saw it sooner? What if we went to a better vet? But no. I think no matter what, we would have lost him this year. A better vet could have found it sooner. But then they could have told us to put him down sooner. A better vet could have tried treatment. But then it would have just delayed the grief. I know he was meant to leave us this year. But why...

I hate that my body fights me so much. Let me cry, he deserves it, and so much more. I noticed a huge weight loss since I lost him. I had stopped eating much towards the end of his life due to stress of hoping he'd make it. But now food and eating is almost like getting a root canal.

What do I do with this new ball of fluff, when it didn't even accomplish his purpose of helping my other cat? Do I keep trying, or was it really too soon, and I should rehome him? He keeps climbing in my lap, and it hurts to even pet him. He's sleeping in my lap now, and I just want him to go away...

My life is full of unanswered questions. And the ones I really need to know, will never be answered.
Missing

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Posts: 26
 #14 
Today was extremely hard. One week ago my life ended, and this new life started.

I slept most of the day away after seeking support and only being told to 'just get a new cat' three times. They don't know that I DO have 'a new' cat... And it hasn't helped one bit. It's only given me guilt.

I hate that each day forces us to move forward. What I wouldn't do to have frozen time. Each day is a reminder that he's really gone. My baby won't come back. Getting another cat doesn't magically heal the pain like people keep suggesting. I'd know. He's cute, he's funny, but he's not my baby. It hurts trying to get myself to accept that I'll never feel that same love ever again. Niz loved me as much as I loved him. And no one or anything will have the same sparkle in his eyes as Niz did when he saw me.

I feel guilty because one day long ago I was thinking how I didn't have anyone out there looking out for me. I had lost a family dog and kitten I had for a week, but I felt like they were more focused on other beings. Now that I have my baby Niz out there, I think it hurts worst having someone out there watching out for you, than it does not having someone.

Everyone wants me to move on and be my happy self again. But I know that I'll never be my old self again. I have to create a new self, without my baby Niz...

I tried so hard for him. I bought him the best most expensive food, I loved him at maximum capacity, and I took him to the vet regularly... But it didn't matter. He was still taken from me.

Why did there have to be permanent damage? Why weren't we given the chance to try?
Missing

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Posts: 26
 #15 
[image]


I finally got some tears out last night after I did my nightly talk with you. I remembered the last picture I took of us together when I found you laying in the sun while we waited for your radiography results. I took it and I promised you that I'd never give up on you.

I feel like I lied to you. I never wanted to give up, but when the vet told me you'd never be yourself ever again no matter what we did, I knew I'd fail you if I let that happen. Everyone loved you and always said how amazing and funny you were. I didn't want that love to turn into pity.

I think my grief has turned into anger, because I hate whoever took you from me. I hate that you were still just a baby. I hate that time was stolen from me. I hate that time keeps going even after what it did to me. I hate that I HAVE to go on without you. I would do anything to have frozen time so I'd never have to say goodbye to you.

I'm so scared something's going to happen to your ashes. We're supposed to get them soon, but I feel like the world's unluckiest person since I lost you. I used to ask what more could life do to hurt me. I just want you home safely, and soon.

The kitten seems sick today. I'm scared it's a sign we weren't supposed to get him. I woke up this morning to him sleeping on your spot of the bed. I'm afraid to love him because look what happened to the number one thing I loved in life. I'm scared if I love him, he'll be taken away.

Your brother still doesn't know what to do with him. I know you always welcomed every cat that ever entered your life. Even when we moved in with the in-laws. The cats there didn't have claws like you did, and no matter what you didn't return any hiss, scratch or bite. You just wanted to love them. I'm happy your brother stopped hissing at the kitten, but he's still not friends. I see he's been grieving for you a lot lately. He even crawled into my arms which he's never done. I give him space when needed, but I hope someday him and I can have a better bond. He's the last part of you that I have. I remember seeing paws in door frames and playing the guessing game on who it was, since you both had white paws. Now memories of the game hurt because I know I'll never see your little paws again.

The one thing I take comfort in, is I know you loved me as much as I loved you. I worshiped you as much as you worshiped me. I still write your name when I'm testing a pen, and each time hurts because it's a habit I almost don't want to break.

I'm taking the kitten to the vet in a little bit. I hope that you'll be there to protect him and make sure he gets better. Help me love him like he deserves.

I miss you, Niz.
Missing

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Posts: 26
 #16 
I got your ashes a few days ago. I should have known you'd get them here safely. I'm so glad I picked the place where you were cremated. They are a bunch of lovely people and I know they treated you with the respect you deserved, and I can trust that I really have you home. Now your memorial is complete. I hope someday when I have more money, I can get you a beautiful stand that you deserve.

I keep finding your little hairs everywhere. It's hard to let them go when I find them because I want to hold onto every little piece of you that I can. It's a little easier because years ago I made that baggy with a bunch of your fur in it in case I ever lost you. I always thought it was too early to prepare for that, but sadly I was wrong.

You'll be gone for two weeks tomorrow. I've hated every day without you. It's hard for me to listen to music. Sad songs break me down, and happy ones make me angry. I used to look forward to Saturdays where we could finally all be together. Now I'll forever hate them because it'll always be empty without you.

You were glued to me like I was glued to you. It hurts looking over and not seeing you. I can't focus on anything because I always talk to you nonstop. I hope you hear me. I know I tell you I miss you a lot, but it's all I can think that doesn't break me down to tears.

I've always felt like I never had a guardian angel. I feel like it was proven right when you were taken from me. I know deep down now that I have one now. If there was someone before, I know you took their place because they weren't doing a good job.

Everyone around me always tries to awkwardly talk about anything else but you, hoping that if they don't bring you up then I won't be sad. But you're always on my mind, whether someone talks about you or not.

Thank you for giving me strength to get rid of the negative people in my life. I know I was much more sensitive losing you, but I've always known they didn't belong in my life. I will try to make my life more positive in honor of you.

I saw you at the new vet a few days ago. Well, not really. While walking out with our gift from you I saw a pure white cat statue. I know you're looking out for us, and I hope you're looking out for all the little souls that walk into there. Help the sick ones be well again so no other person has to feel what I feel without you. Help give those you can't help peace, cause god knows I need it.

I had a dream about you last night. The first one since I lost you. I was gathering up all these cats in hopes of finding you. At the end I realized none of the cats I gathered was you. I think my soul will forever being searching for you, because you were my soul's other half. Please keeps my dreams of you peaceful, I can't bear to have nightmares of you when you're worth so much more.

Please help me get through tomorrow, and any other day that I can't stand to go on without you.

I love you, Niz...
AlwaysLoveYouRoxyCat

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Posts: 1
 #17 
My heart is with you about Niz, I'm going through the same thing for my soulmate cat, Rexy.....   his eyes also looked at me with love..... even blinked giving me cat kisses....   was so calm... I learned to be more calm from him...  

I have to say a couple of short things....   There is a whole process for getting a resident cat used to a new kitten....    Please think about the poor little kitten also....   They say to put the kitten in a separate room for a long time...  Here is one site, you can look up more - the most important thing is to get each other's scent on a cloth and swap it near the opposite cat's feeding bowl.....
http://icatcare.org/advice/how-introduce-kitten-cat

I got a kitten too soon once....ended up loving her...sooo much!   This time I waited longer..... I won't get my kitten from the shelter until he's 3 pounds....  but it's giving me and my other cat time to grieve....and yes, I'll never get over this also....  but I am thinking of it as - Rexy will always be in a love area of my heart....   has his own place... will go with me everywhere for the rest of my life.....   Life is a gift for all of us.....   it's a journey that doesn't guarantee a smooth rosy time constantly...... I am also one that likes to plan everything out.... I learned to flow a little bit more... but not to ease up on living life to the fullest...    I love more, understand more, am patient more, but still am a go-getter...  also..........    

Think of the people who never experience the kind of cat soulmate love we have....  so sad for them, really.....!    We give to the kitten/cat.... giving it such a loving life that it may not have had in another situation.......   blessed.    we and the cats are blessed..... 
NicoleBad

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Posts: 1
 #18 
I know you posted this 4 years ago but what you have said is literally exactly what I'm going through. My beloved baby Simon passed very suddenly 5 days ago and I'm exactly where you were. I want to know if you ever managed to get over it and when did you start feeling normal enough again to function? My heart literally aches. I keep thinking there's something I can do to bring him back. Coming home and waking up on the mornings are the worst. How do I come to terms with this. The pain is unbearable
Pawprince

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Posts: 92
 #19 
Nicolebad- I too, am feeling a bit like the original poster. My dog isn't gone, but he will be soon - he has late stage kidney disease and I can barely function knowing he won't be with me very much longer.

I love this dog so much. Everything I do, my beloved Arby is a part of in some way. I'm worried about what will happen to my mind when he goes -- he is so ingrained into every day, routine, so many thoughts.

So sorry for the loss of your beloved pet. I am here to chat anytime ((hugs))
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