Registered: 1215734192 Posts: 2,285
One week ago tonight my Mandy passed away. She was a husky/shepard mix, 14 years, 8 months old and I miss her so much. I am still so overwhelmed by feelings of guilt, of anger, and of grief. I wrote the following last night:
Tomorrow will be a week since the passing of my Mandygirl. I miss her so much. I can't forgive myself. Why didn't I pull the car over and get in the back seat with her? Why????? It didn't even occur to me to do that. My only thought was let's get to the vet. The problem is, she didn't need the vet at that moment, she needed me. I didn't know. I didn't think she would die in the back seat of my car. I thought when we got to the vet he might say we should put her to sleep. But I thought there was time. Time to get her there, time to sit at the vet and pet her, time to say goodbye to her. Time was what we didn't have, but I didn't know. I just can't forgive myself for that, for not knowing. I had no way of knowing, but I still can't forgive myself. Tomorrow, already one week without her. I see her everywhere. I want her back! I know she was old, I know it was her time, but I want her back anyway! I know she's gone, but I can't believe it. My mind knows. But my heart just can't accept it. My heart breaks all over again every time it hits me that she's gone. I'm happy for her, she doesn't suffer the pains and illnesses of this earth any longer. I'm happy for my Mandy. But I just can't stop wanting her back. She was always there. I can't remember life without her. Now I am forced to live life without her. I have no choice. I know that. But my heart doesn't want to know that. One week ago right now she was here. I was petting her. I was telling her she was a good girl. I was telling her I love her. I was giving her snacks. I was happy. She gave me so much. I hope I gave enough back to her.
Registered: 1196441749 Posts: 567
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I cry with you during this time of great grief. You could not have known what would happen as you traveled to the vet. You were doing what was right, getting her to the vet. I'm sorry for what you went through. I know it's hard, but try to forgive yourself, Mandy would want that. Your love for her is so obvious in your post. I believe you gave enough back to her, as much as she gave to you. She was happy and loved. I think that is all they ask from us, such a simple thing for all that they give to us. It is so hard to get use to them not being with us, they are such an important part of our lives, our loves, our soul mates. I will say an extra prayer for you, I truly understand your pain. Hugs and prayers, Nina Maria's Mom
Registered: 1195665544 Posts: 175
Oh Mandy's mom, please don't do this to yourself. You were trying to get your baby to the vet where you thought they could help her. I know your heart is breaking, and I wish I could do something to help you. I know your pain too well. It seems unbearable doesn't it? I am sure Mandy knew how much you loved her, and you are right, she is happy and healthy, and surrounded by many,many furangels just like herself. For now we are all left behind to take care of each other as best as we can, until we will be with our furangels again. Take some time to grieve, come here, or to the chat room( my life saver). You are surrounded by very caring hearts here.
Hugs* Jacki, Baby Bunz mommy
Registered: 1215181072 Posts: 215
Hi Mandy's mom,
It's been one week since my Smokey has been gone. I know your heart is aching. I didn't think today would be as difficult as it has been. I've been on and off of the crying. I have had wonderful support from my friends and family and much comfort from God. But the pain and sadness do not seem to subside. I can't offer you to much right now other than to let you know that you are not alone in your grief. Keep reading, this group is wonderful support. Please know that I will keep you and Mandy in my prayers. Kittiekat
Registered: 1210209740 Posts: 143
Dear Mandy's Mom
Of course you didn't know. How could you? You were doing your best, trying to get her to the vet as fast as possible. I know these are just words and it won't make your pain go away but I wanted to try and comfort you. And I am sure that in her 14 years and 8 months you showed her so much love and she could not have wished for a better Mom. Be gentle with yourself.
Registered: 1211860763 Posts: 139
Dear Mandy's Mom,
Please be gentle on yourself. Guilt is part of the grieving process and unfortunately (and please take this in) no matter what you did you would still have the guilt. If you would have pulled the car over and sat in the back with your beloved Mandy you probably would be writing about the fact that you should have continued driving so you could have gotten your beloved Mandy to the vet. What I am saying is that no matter what you did or didn't do, you would have the guilt. The most important thing for your Mandy is that you loved her so. Your love comes through in your post and that is what Mandy felt while she was in the back seat of your car. Maybe you can change the guilt that you feel into a gift from Mandy. Mandy passed on by herself so you wouldn't have to make that horrible decision for her. That was Mandy's gift to you and I don't know if you ever had another pet that you had to put to sleep but that is also extremely tough too. No matter what it is devastating to lose our beloved friends. Also remember that right now it is extremely difficult for you and all your feelings are so raw. We always hope that we have more time but unfortunately our beloved pets don't live as long as we do. If you had more time do you think you could love her any more than you do now? When all is said and done the most important thing is that our furbabies know that they were loved and that they had the best life possible and it sounds to me from your post that you could not have loved your Mandy anymore than you do already. Remember that Mandy felt safe with you and knew that you only had her best interest at heart so the drive to the vets office one week ago was no different to her than any other time that you two spent together. She knew she was safe and loved and there is no reason why you can't tell her anything you would have said to her in the backseat of your car today. Mandy was a lucky dog to have found a Mom like you so if at all possible when the guilt creeps up just remind yourself how lucky you both were to have each other for 14 years and 8 months. I know the pain of the devastating loss you are suffering right now and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep your eyes and heart open for a sign from your Mandy to let you know that she is still with you and will always be there safe in your heart, just as safe as she was in the back seat of your car where she knew until her last breath that you were taking care of her. Margaret
Registered: 1214505059 Posts: 117
Mandy's mom... I am crying with you.
Your story is so sad. But please don't punish yourself like that. I know every minute of life is the most important thing in the world- and we must embrace that. it's hard that you missed the last few minutes with Mandy, but just think of the 12 beautiful years you spent together. (oh how I wish I had that long with Daisy) surely those years outweigh those last few minutes. and those happy memories will last a lifetime. hang in there. my heart goes out to you. Daisy's daddy
Registered: 1215734192 Posts: 2,285
Thank you all for your kind words. A week and a day and I still find myself not able to believe she's really gone. I think it is shock. I knew she was sick, I knew her time was coming, but when she walked out to get in the car that night, I certainly didn't think that time was coming 5 minutes later. It was shocking to me and I think that's my biggest problem. For Mandy I am happy. She is free from pain and free from illness. She is strong and happy again. I am glad for her. Sad for me.