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JenSchmidt

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Posts: 2
 #1 
We lost my sweet Mica on sunday. She was going to turn 15 next month. She was the most beautiful and nurturing husky with two different colored eyes. It was so sudden and unexpected. My husband got her as a puppy after his deployment. I met them both three years later and it was love ever since.
Her death was unexpected- she was perfectly fine... then she wasn't. And now shes gone.
It was 11 pm on a saturday and we opted to wait to take her in until the morning. She passed around 4 AM at home, i assume in her sleep.
I have so much guilt for not rushing her in- but i had no idea she was this bad off. I keep thinking if i had taken her in maybe she'd still be here. Shes an inside dog, though when she does spend time outside we are outside with her. So i can't imagine she got into something.
I haven't stopped crying. The regret of not taking her.. the guilt. Im so angry at my other pets and i don't know why. I haven't been able to shower.
The last few months i have been very sick with morning sickness and i didnt walk her enough. I didn't love on her enough.
Everything hurts so bad and is so confusing. And im so angry at myself and everything else.
She was the best. :(
Eriksfurrbabies

Registered:
Posts: 24
 #2 
I am sorry for your loss.

Losing a companion is never easy, but don't blame yourself for the death of Mica. You were going to see the vet so your intentions are good. She died in her sleep which is a peaceful way, and animals are good in hiding their illnesses. So good that even vets have difficulty judging the degree of the illness. So please, don't be harsh on yourself for not knowing.

We all have these feelings of guilt and 'what if'. It is not easy to deal with, I still have them after three weeks, but it will become a little bit easier day by day.

Mica was 15, a beautiful old age for a dog. It means you and your husband took good care of her and loved her. Do not be angry at yourself for not walking her enough, Mica will have known the reason why and would not think bad of you. Nor would she want you to be angry at your other pets. They too will feel that Mica is not there anymore and will need some comfort as well. Spend some extra time with your other pets, talk with them and let them know everything will be ok.

It is only human to blame ourselves, we all do it, but nature runs it course. Mica passed at home, in her sleep, which is a beautiful way. She didn't have to go through checks, prodding with needles and what not.

Please do not blame yourself for there is no blame, you have showered her with love, and she will watch over your from over the Rainbow Bridge.

Stay strong
Squeakers

Registered:
Posts: 21
 #3 
I have plenty of "what ifs" too.  What if I saw the signs of kidney disease earlier and did more to slow it down?  What if I put her to sleep too soon... or too late?  What if I only kept her inside?  What if I fed her different food?  What if, what if, what if.  

What I'm learning is that adding guilt on top of the grief of losing my sweet cat Lola is only punishing myself further.  I hope you can find a way to not beat yourself up.  I'm struggling to do the same.  
CleanneMom29

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Posts: 13
 #4 
Hi Jen:

First, I am so sorry to hear about Mica.  I know how much it hurts when a furry member of our families dies -- and they truly are members of our families.  Unfortunately your loss and the emotions you are feeling are so common.  My cat, Cleanne, was almost 18 years old when she passed away.  She started having some nasal and breathing issues which she was being treated for.  But she seemed to take a turn for the worse so suddenly right before Christmas - and then a couple days before Christmas we had to put her to sleep.  It was awful. 

I felt all those same emotions you are feeling now.  The guilt that creeps in during grief can be overwhelming and almost crippling.  I still struggle with some bad days.  It's not knowing if I could have done more or if I did something wrong.  And then those emotions lead me down a road of reliving EVERYTHING I feel I didn't do right when she was alive.  By the time my mind stops reeling, I convince myself I'm the worse pet owner ever (which is ridiculous).  But grief robs us of any rational thinking.  So don't listen to all those negative emotions you have right now -- it is just grief talking.  I have been through all of that -- it is awful.  But it is a part of grieving.

Our pets are unfortunately not going to live forever and will probably not outlive us, so the difficult end of their life is something that we are going to experience.  They bring us so much joy and happiness -- and a bond that is unlike anything else.  But the downside of that is we have to let them go when their time here on earth is over.  It hurts -- it hurts so much.  

The emotions, especially the guilt, you are feeling are normal.  It makes us think irrationally.  It leads you to thinking that you didn't love her enough, which I know is not true.  Because someone who didn't love Mica would not be on this message board and would not be as heartbroken as you are.  You did love Mica and she did feel it.  Just like your other pets know you love them.  They can be a great help for you during this time.  Their love is so unconditional and innocent -- the kind you need right now.  

I hope by you hearing that others are feeling the same way as you are, helps you to slowly heal.  It will take time, but it will get better.  You are only guilty of loving Mica, and that is nothing to be beating yourself up over.  Take care.  

  
ronaldwes

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Posts: 6
 #5 
Jen, I so know how you feel.  I lost my lab about a month ago.  It was sudden.  She started having seizures one afternoon.  No problems prior.  We rushed her to the hospital, but it was too late and there was nothing they could do.  I am so devastated still.  I have a hard time functioning each day.  You are not alone.  I assume there are many people that feel devastated that we just don't hear from.  Just trying to survive.
JenSchmidt

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #6 
I jave read and reread these many times. Thank you for the words. Its so very hard and it hasnt gotten much better. I havent wanted to shower. Ive barely eaten. I just keep thinking shes asleep or in the other room and find myself looking for her still and then I remember.
ronaldwes

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #7 
Jen I am having such a difficult time as well. I have no motivation to go anywhere or do anything. I just can't seem to move forward.
Squeakers

Registered:
Posts: 21
 #8 
Today, I went out to one of my favorite spots on the ocean (I live in Maine).  I went out there to get a large stone from the shore to use as a memorial to Lola in our garden.  Being out in nature and the physical effort it took to haul such a large rock in my backpack started to help me heal.  I still have very little appetite and am killing myself with guilt but today gave me a tiny bit of hope that I will get over this. 
ronaldwes

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #9 
Sounds good. I wish I could get just a little glimmer of hope. It's Sunday here in North Carolina. I am really struggling today. I hope I could get out a little bit but I just don't have the motivation.
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