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erikc21

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Posts: 7
 #1 
I am new to this board and found it as a way to cope with our loss.  Two days ago I ran over my daughter's puppy, Pixie.  She was a black Yorkie Poo with a white patch on her chin and the best dog I've ever owned.  This occurred the day after my wife and I found out the gender of our second, second trimester miscarriage from two weeks ago.  

Pixie helped bring so much joy to our lives when our family needed it... and we are devastated.  Knowing I was the one who did this is very hard to accept, the graphic details and 'what if's' haunt me, and seeing my daughters pain (all my children's) is gut wrenching.  I never realized how much we loved her and cared for her and how much she was a part of our family until now.  

Having to 'clean up' the driveway and bury her was so very hard.  I took our other dog on a walk yesterday and he was sniffing all around where it happened - I broke down.  

The loss of her feels enormous.  I'm not sure if it's a combination of all we have gone through, but this seems to be hitting me the hardest... I've read similar messages on the board and I know it truly was an accident, but it doesn't make the pain less.  

Writing this is a little therapeutic and I wanted to be surrounded by others who can empathize in one way or another.  

Erik (Celeste's dad)
Ghatten

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Posts: 1,821
 #2 
}{{{{{Erik}}}}}{

I have found through my many years that each loss hits us differently, not because we love more or less but just because it does. I also know when these losses seem stacked it does seem to compound the pain. With each precious one I have lost there has been a sense of what did I do I could have done differently, what did I do wrong, why this way? I believe guilt is our grief talking to us.

In time that graphic image will fade and you will see her happy face when you remember her. I know it has to be so painful to have hit her, it was bad enough for me when I hit a stray one time. And I have found some of mine who were outdoor kitties where the image seemed it might never fade. But the image did fade, although I can still remember them - now when I think of those sweet beings I see better times, Goldie and Wink playing in the snow, TeeToo striking a regal pose in a sunbeam, times those babies were happy.

You and yours are in my prayers.
ghattenwolf
Raychel

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #3 
Hi Erik

I’m so very sorry this happened to Pixie and to you and your family.

I have some idea of this pain as I ran over our beautiful cat Kahn who was 3. Ghattenwolf is right, the image will fade with time. But that’s what it’s going to take, time.

Sometimes when I drive passed the spot where it happened in our driveway it flashes into my mind, but less and less often now. More often I think of all the funny and crazy antics of that mad cat. I bought Kahn for my husband and he was devastated when it happened. I felt sick with guilt for killing his pride and joy, even though I loved Kahn just as much and I knew it was just a terrible accident.

I felt at the time that I needed to hide my grief as I somehow should be feeling ashamed of what I’d done and the pain I’d caused. I’m through all of that now but I’m telling you this in case you are experiencing anything similar so you know how someone else has felt in a similar situation. While everyone in your family is grieving, you are the one with the additional burden of the accident happening and I’m sending you hugs to help with that.

Raychel
erikc21

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #4 
Ratchel,

This was such a helpful post - for many reasons. I needed to take some time away from this board, my grief, and try to heal.

When I read your post it was as if you knew exactly where I was emotionally. And it was helpful to know you had been in my shoes, although I’m so very sorry you experienced a similar situation and were able to empathize. Kahn was lucky to have such a caring family to be a part of.

When I put my youngest two to bed we include Pixie in our prayers and there are still tears from time to time. But as you and Ghattenwolf said we remember the good times, too. I admit, I seem to have a phobia backing up my car now...whether at home or in a random parking lot I seem to hesitate and double and triple check. One of the hardest things for me has been the ‘what-ifs’ and the guilt particularly around the fact that the accident couldn’t have been avoided. What if I wasn’t running late...what if I would have looked....etc. I suppose in time you beat yourself over it less and accept it was an accident.

People here are kind and Pixie will be happy I’ve met friends to share strories.

Thanks you
Raychel

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #5 
Hi Erik

I’m glad my experience and how I felt, helped you.

Still, to this day, I am very wary driving up our driveway and backing out. It will probably always be this way. It’s just our way of being cautious and minimising a repeat of a similar situation.

The “what-if’s” are the thing I think most of us struggle with, regardless of the situation of why we have visited this board. But, here’s the thing.....what if you knew what was going to happen? Would you have done something differently? Of course! But you didn’t know....and that’s the thing.

It’s great that you and your family are remembering Pixie, they are always in our hearts.

Raychel
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