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KFitch

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Posts: 4
 #1 
Hi there. I’m new, and this is my first post. I don’t even know what to write because I feel so lost and hopeless. I lost Marla on April 12, 2018. Thinking of that day makes me sick. I cry so much that I have begun to alienate myself from my husband and our other dogs. My heart hurts so much that I just don’t want to go on. I don’t know if I need to see a doctor or just hope that time will eventually restore me. I’m reading a book for pet loss, but I can’t get through more than a few pages without breaking down. I’ve never suffered a loss like this, but then again I’ve never loved anything or anyone like I loved Marla. Tomorrow she would have turned 12. I was going to have a party for her; instead I’m sitting here crying miserably, typing out this message to who knows who because she’s gone, and she’s never coming back. The worst part is that my brain has reverted to a child’s, and I don’t understand why God took her from me. I have seemed to have lost touch with all reality and don’t know how to get back. I’m afraid if I go back to reality, I will forget her and that scares me. I don’t know what to do.
nnjnk3

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Posts: 121
 #2 
I'm so sorry to hear about your dear Marla.  I understand how you are feeling, and so many do here.  You are in the right place.  I found PetLoss in 2012 when I lost my cat Socks and then back again when I lost my boy Toby in 2017.  Here I am once again as I just lost my dear kitty Emma on July 19th to congestive heart failure. 

I'm grief stricken.....lost.....wondering, could I have done more?......so very sad to have lost her.  We make special bonds with all of our fur babies, but sometimes there's just that extra special connection that is so hard to lose.  I've had that with all of them and it's never easy.  I've only found that time helps to heal the heart.  It doesn't mean that I've forgotten them or miss them any less, only that I've learned to cope, somehow.....  I like to think of them all running free at the bridge together.  Young and vibrant again.  Meeting all the beautiful fur babies that I've come to know here--all of the ones that have crossed over to the rainbow bridge.  I find peace here.  People here understand and they support me here just like we are here to support you too.

I hope to see you at the candlelight ceremony this evening.  I'll be there paying tribute to my sweet Emma girl.  I'll be praying for your healing heart.

Take care of yourself.

Nichole Emma's momma  =^..^= 
Dogsarepeopletoo

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Posts: 106
 #3 
KFitch: I'm so sorry about Marla; Nichole said it so eloquently. My father's death was my first dealing with that kind of grief that leaves you breathless and scared and lost and confused and all those difficult things. So many people said "time will help", "take it one day at a time", etc. It all sounded so trite. But, it is indeed true. His death made me realize there is no right way to grieve; no duration that works for everyone. We all just muddle along the best we can.

I think it's a challenge when two people sharing the same grief cope in different ways; that was totally my mother and I. I wanted to talk about Dad; she found it painful. She wanted to get rid of his belongings very soon after his death; I wanted to wait (and save everything). I bawled all the time; she rarely cried. Neither of us did it the "right way." We did it in your own way -- just like you and your husband are doing. HIs way isn't right or wrong; your way isn't right or wrong -- you are each grieving in your own way.

If you feel like help might be of benefit to you, by all means reach out to whoever you think might help -- doctor, friend, person of faith, the vet. I know our animal shelter has periodic grief sessions. Do not be ashamed or embarrassed -- you loved your Marla; and you miss her.

Vent and talk here all you want -- it really helps to know there are people who are walking the same walk.
pb313

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Posts: 104
 #4 
KFitch and Nichole,
I am so very sorry for you losses.
Paula -Raider’s mom
Ghatten

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Posts: 1,821
 #5 
}{}{}{}{}{}{to all who have lost}{}{}{}{}{}{

Grieve as you need to, there are no rules for that, not for how or for how long, and we each do so in our own way and time. If you are questioning if you need to see someone I would say talk to someone who can help you decide that (and it is okay to need/ask for that kind of help - better to check now and be told no than for your family to regret later that you didn't)

I have posted this before - and will likely do so again in the future.

The Walnut - a tale about the truth of what is life

 They seemed an unlikely pair as they played through the fall - so very different. The small furry knew most of his other friends and even his family did not understand, but he didn't care for he knew the walnut was a true friend. Hours they would spend playing, laughing, talking, just sitting together. It was a magical fall and both seemed to sense that it was special. They were very different to be sure, but as they saw it that simply meant they each had different gifts and strengths to share. As the fall progressed those around the furry one became concerned, they knew the walnut had only one season and the furry one would one day be left behind - and they could see the signs of age on the walnut, scratches and cracks in the shell, dulling of the glossy shell. That the furry one did not seem to see the changes worried them.

 One morning the furry one ran out to be with his friend and found him laying amongst the shattered bits that were left of his shell and his heart broke. He buried the bits and sat to cry for the loss of his friend. As he sat deep in grief his tears fell to the earth. His family and friends tried at first to console him but quickly moved on - it was just a walnut after all. So the furry one moved into the cold windy days of winter, each day going to the place where he had lost his friend - each day finding hope that it had been a dream dashed and feeling so very alone.

 As will the seasons, winter gave way to spring - and life seemed determine to renew itself. One morning when the furry one arrived at the place he went to feel close to his lost friend he was surprised to find a small sapling reaching up to celebrate the sun. 'Who are you? How dare you take this place!!' the furry one proclaimed. The small sapling chuckled, 'Did you really think I would leave you?' Now the furry one was shocked - the sapling spoke with his friend the walnut's voice.

 'I never left you dear friend. True, my shell shattered, but that shell was just a garment I wore for that season. I have been here with you as you sat and I tried to tell you not to cry. And I am here and will be always,' the walnut said softly.

(c) Candace 8/22/06
KFitch

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #6 
Thank you for your replies. I did attend the candle ceremony; it was very nice, and I met some good people. I also got through her birthday yesterday, not sober though. I don’t think I know how to grieve. My family is very private and very much live by the “life goes on” motto. My husband is the same way. He doesn’t like me getting upset, which makes me think he doesn’t care. He says he just grieves differently. I feel as if everyone is just trying to keep me from getting upset because it’s uncomfortable for them. I feel like I am looking for an answer to a question I haven’t received yet.

Her death was sudden and it blindsided me.It has left me with all these thoughts that I’m not sure how to talk about. And my other dogs, what are they going through?
Dogsarepeopletoo

Registered:
Posts: 106
 #7 
KFitch: I don't think any of us know how to grieve -- it just happens, and we all muddle through it. I do think it's helpful to hear from other people who are walking similar paths, with similar reactions and thoughts to know we are at least *somewhat* normal [said tongue in cheek].

I firmly believe there is no right way to grieve because we are all different but I do find myself pondering how my husband has managed through the loss of our dog without shedding a tear. Not one. Not even in those heartbreaking moments where we said goodbye at the vet and held her while she passed. I was crying so hard, I truly thought I might be sick. I find myself now not crying in front of him (or anyone) for the same reasons you mentioned.

I had a hard time going in our back yard -- I always accompanied Annie out there for bathroom moments; she was with us if we were out there relaxing or working. I'm so happy to be distracted out there with tiny twin fawns that have been scampering about in our back yard. I sit in a chair and watch them, take photos. It has helped me get over that angst of opening the door to go out back, and not pause to let her out behind me.

twinkiesmom

Registered:
Posts: 838
 #8 
I am so sorry for your loss of Your beloved Marla. So glad you found this website. I found it fourteen years ago when I lost my tiny kitten Twinkie and truly believe the people here are some of the best in the world. When I rescued her she was so sick the vet told me she wouldn't survive. She lived one month from the day I found her and I was devastated. I cried and prayed and then cried some more. I thanked God for lending her to me and I know the time we shared was one of the sweetest I have ever known with any of my furkids.

We all muddle along the best way we can, just taking it one day at a time, sometimes only being able to manage minutes at a time. Eventually we realize that our babies know how much they are loved and that they loved us in return. To quote the words of a Beatles song, "love is all there is". Those we love can never truly leave us, they remain in our hearts forever and I truly believe we will be with them again for all eternity. With time our pain eases and we smile more as we think of them and the crushing waves of sorrow slowly begin to ebb. I believe there can be no great love without great sorrow. In the grand scheme of things I feel it is a small price to pay.

Please take care. We are all here for you, ready to offer comfort and support whenever you need us.
Mondo

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 994
 #9 
So sorry for  you loss KFitch.  Extreme love brings extreme grief.   I think it's worth it, in the early days after losing my heart dog Tuffy, 4 1/2 years ago now, I was in such pain.  

I found writing letters to him helped.  Helped me to think of my grief, about him and what he meant to me.

Love never dies.  Grief doesn't either .. but it becomes bearable in time.  I miss my boys.

Hugs,
Tuffy, Toby, Ellie and Missy's Dad
afiroma

Registered:
Posts: 11
 #10 
Hi, I know exactly that feeling. I am sorry for your loss (Marla).I also lost my Bubi on July 21. She was my everything and I feel like I have been stabbed on my heart since. I will share with you what has been helping me a little. I think if I would’ve been the one gone, I would been very sad to see my Bubi crying and sad for me. So I try my best to do my best so that she doesn’t suffer for me because I know she is watching. I am also praying and meditating, and is in my meditations where I meet with her and see her happy. I also cry and cry and let my emotions out to feel a relieve and then get out of the house so that I am not constantly seeing her everywhere. Keep on writing, and writing this is a great way to let your emotions out. There my also be a support group by your where you live. I find support groups very helpful.
pb313

Registered:
Posts: 104
 #11 
Mondo,
That is a great idea. Writing can be very cathartic. You can also put on paper what you can’t say out loud lots of times.
Paula - Raider’s mom
pb313

Registered:
Posts: 104
 #12 
KFitch,
I am sorry you have not had support. It is so hard anyway. Know you can say anything here and we are here.

Hugs,
Paula - Raider’s mom
KFitch

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #13 
All your responses have been so helpful. I do wish there was a local support group, but the ones I’ve found are 2 hours away. I am comforted knowing that I’m not the only one who has or is going through such tremendous agony over the death of a pet. I think that is another reason I’m having such a hard time because many people do not see the death of an animal as equivalent to that of a human. I cannot have children, so Marla became my child. I had her before I met my husband, but he knew that Marla would always be my deciding factor in anything. He loved her so much, as did anyone who had the pleasure of knowing her. We joke our marriage was like the movie “Jerry McGuire,” and that he really only married me for the kid. I know he’s doing the best he can coping and trying to be strong. I also know that he tried to keep me from crying because he doesn’t want me sad. He says that Marla is now healthy, running and playing with all of the friends she lost.

Dogsare peopletoo- Maybe your husband is like mine and wants to remain strong so you don’t have to. I feel there is nothing worse than someone telling another to be strong when the only strength one has is to just wake up. I want my husband to let me know that he feels the same pain, so I don’t feel abnormal. But if he sat and cried with me, I don’t think anything would get done in our house. Now that I write this out, I am glad he is our strength.

We have two other dogs. Marla passed away at home while I was at work. I found her under my swing on our back porch. A lot of my pain is because I was not there to say goodbye and not there to let her know Mommy loved her. Another part is that my two other dogs were there with her for 2-3 hours after she had passed. I could not keep Marla from leaving, but worse, I could not shield my other two from her pain and death. Just thinking about those hours makes me sick to my stomach. I will never forget when I opened our front door on April 12th; our puppy, Penelope, let out this horrible cry of sorrow. A sound I will never forget. My other dog just wagged his tail nervously as if he’d done something wrong. The book I have been reading has told me not to use the word guilt, because I was not intentionally trying to cause harm to any of my dogs. So I guess I will use shame for how I feel regarding that day. Shame that torments me daily.

I look at pictures of Marla all the time trying to get the image of her cold, stiff lifeless body out of my mind. I can’t get it out of my mind. The warmth I knew has now been replaced with a frozen chill.

I think I must end here as my mind is starting to spin out of control...
afiroma

Registered:
Posts: 11
 #14 
KFitch, what you wrote is beautiful and brought tears to my eyes and soul. I think Marla gave you the ultimate gift of leaving you when you were not home because she knew she was so much stronger than you and she spared you that pain. She loved you so much and probably said “You know Mom I am not saying goodbye, it’s just “I’ll see you later when the time is right”. She left surrounded by her sibblings who also knew you will be in too much pain. It’s like our human kids who start planning our life’s because they think we are not that strong anymore. It’s just a thought.

With Love, Bubi’s Mom (Yakelin)
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