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mw0263

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Posts: 139
 #1 
I went to my cousin's wedding tonight and with my broken heart really didn't want to go because I knew that I would see alot of people that I hadn't talk to yet about my comet but they all knew that I had to assist her to the RB on Sunday.  As I expected I spent alot of time crying and I am upsetting my daughter.  She doesn't want me to fall into a depression and watching it happen.  She ended go outside and crying because she doesn't know what to do for me, she just wants to stop the pain but doesn't know how.  I need to some how find a way to function for her sake.  She is 23 years old and feels that it's her responsibility to keep me from this depression that I'm in.  She hasn't had the time to grieve for our beloved pet because she is so worried about me.  I mean she has cried but not really grieved.  I know how she feels because I've been there with my own mother.  I can't see my mother crying, it just tears me up inside.  I need to find a way to function for my daughter, I love my comet but I also love my daughter and I can't be the root of her pain anymore.  What can be done, where do I go, what do I do?  Any help with this would be greatly appreciated.  What have all of you guys done when it came to your kids?  How did you function for them while still grieving for your beloved pet?  Please help.

Margaret

rupertsmum

Registered:
Posts: 820
 #2 
Dear Margaret

I know how you feel. My Rupert died 28 January 2008 and I was a mess. Couldn't eat, sleep or function, my kids were worried because I couldn't stop crying.  The kids are 6,8, and 10.  We had to pts because of kidney failure and my 10 year old was especially devastated.  My kids were upset every time I cried (which was most of the time) and I realised I couldn't do it in front of them.  I know they are younger than your daughter but I waited till they went to school.  Rupert died a week before school term started.   Slowly I have started to function.  He was a special puss; I have lost others but he was my baby and I miss him so much. I still have really bad days and days like today where I can function O.K. but I will miss him until the end of my days.  I was told by a medium to cry when alone and get it out and then get through the rest of the day of facing everyone and I did that for a while.  Now I don't care who sees me cry.  Real friends accept you as you are not what society expects of you (putting on a front).

Hoping you can slowly move on from your loss and I certainly know where you are coming from.  We have a bond with our pets that can never be replaced.  Ruperts Mum
Loudpurring

Registered:
Posts: 774
 #3 
I want to say how sorry I am about your Comet leaving. You know Comet will live on in your heart and in your soul forever. Just make sure Comet is living happily in you. I hope that makes sense.
 
I don't have any kids, but do have to function when I feel like dieing. Many times when I am with clients who have lost, or are having to put their beloved ones to sleep, I have grown very attached to them ( the parents and the patients) So, it hurts me a whole lot and all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs that "It is just not fair!!", and "Why?, Why them??" and curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out. Of course, I cannot do this because it would not make the situation anything but severly worse.
 
The way I cope is I have learned to build a back room in my mind and i shove all that emotional stuff in that room and shut the door. What is left is the other things in me. The non hysterical me. Hard to explain. You have to actually visualize the room and all the rest. I open the door and let my emotions out later when I am alone.
 
The other thing is to try to pretend that you are someone else for a while. Kind of like you are an actor and just acting out parts in a play.
 
Or, last one is to just pretend that the upsetting event has never happened. Keep them alive in your head.
 
Don't know how healthy any of this is for you. But, it is what I do to conciel my emotions from people.
 
Once again I m sorry you have to go through this.
 
 
 
 
 
katebock

Registered:
Posts: 686
 #4 
Dear Margaret

I am so sorry for your loss.  The loss of a beloved pet is so unbelievably painful.  I lost my kitty, Gus, in December and like you I had a really hard time.  He was only 3 yrs. old and had only been sick for a week before he left me.  He actually died on my daughter's 20th birthday, but I lied to her and told her it was early in the morning the next day.  I didn't want her to have to live with that reminder every year.  My birthday was 4 days later and we had plans to go out for dinner with my 3 daughters (ages 20, 26, & 30).  I didn't feel like going, but they insisted, wanting me to get out and feel better.  I cried through dinner.  I was a mess..  We also had a 4 day trip planned 2 weeks later and then Christmas.  I wanted to cancel everything, but my family again wanted me to get out and function.  I really don't even remember most of December.  It is all pretty much a haze where I went through the motions day to day for my family.  I cried alot, sometimes in front of family and friends, but most of the time when I was alone.  Looking back on it now, I realize how cleansing those tears were and how necessary they were to release the pain I was feeling.

Grieving is essential after a loss.  You need to grieve to be able to come to terms with the loss.  I thought I was going crazy for the first 2 months.  I didn't think I would ever be happy again.  I couldn't even post on this site  at first.  I just came here to read.  Now, after 6 mo. I can think of my Gus with smiles as I remember what a character he was.  I still miss him like crazy, but the intense pain is gone.  It has been replaced with a dull ache and sense of loss.  I am at the point now where I am starting to consider getting another kitty.  I have two other cats, but they are not lap cats like my Gus.  I just feel there is something missing and I'm ready to move on.

Keep coming to this site for support.  It really helped me.  It is a place where you can express whatever you are feeling and there are others who are going through the same thing.  When you are ready, you may want to share stories/pictures of your Comet.  We would love to hear more about her and I know it really helped me to let others know what a special guy my Gus was.  I hope this helps you and that you find peace and comfort.

Huge hugs
Kate (Gus' mom)

Loudpurring

Registered:
Posts: 774
 #5 

Kate's idea is much better than mine and most likely alot healthier for you than stuffing everything away. It is much better to deal with your grief than to ignore it and hope it goes away

WooWooWoo

Registered:
Posts: 5,100
 #6 
Dear Margaret,

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss.  Your beloved furbaby Comet just passed a few day ago.  You are not in a depression; you are appropriately grieving.   I am not sure why your daughter is so upset by your crying, as it is as natural as the sun rising every day.   She needs to understand that she can't "stop" the pain of grief, not should she want to stop it. Tears are immensely healing when we are grieving.   And, you shouldn't want to shield your daughter from something that she (and you) will certainly experience many more times in your lifetimes.  I think it would be different if we were talking about a three year old child who has no concept of death; but your daughter is an adult.   She needs to realize it is OKAY to cry, feel sad, and grieve a loss.   It is normal.  

I am concerned that you feel you are the "root" of your daughter's pain when you have just been grieving a few days.  That implies something else besides uncomplicated grieving is going on.  If you have ever suffered from clincal depression in the past and your daughter is worried that the depression may return, then there are other ways to approach the problem.   Many of my friends have gone to grief counselors or their family practitioners for help in those instances.  

Hope this helps you.  My heart goes out to you, as I know how difficult it is to lose a beloved wee one.  I lost my little 16 year old terrier, Betsy, almost five months ago, and still miss her every day.

Sending hugs,
Melissa
Betsy's forever mom
basil

Registered:
Posts: 1,205
 #7 
Please keep on crying.  It is your pain and grief and you need to cry because you are grieving. 
I believe that our time on this earth is a time to experience and learn, and what better teachers are there than our beloved furbabies. 
We all have to know loss in our lifetime, whether a relative or a partner or a furbaby.  We all deal with things in different ways, but I feel that you should just grab your daughter and tell her how much you are hurting, maybe she will cry with you.
Love, Di xxx
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