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CatAnn

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Posts: 2
 #1 
I feel like a horrible person!!. My 17-year-old border collie Cindy was a rescue from the SPCA and we got her when she was a puppy. 13 years into her life we experienced bankruptcy and lost our house and everything we owned and I had helped rescue dogs off of death row for a few years when I was financially stable but now I have nothing except my beautiful rescues all seven of them. But we had to go live in an RV for 2 years with a max 3 dog limit and didn’t even have hot running water. I was 60 years old. I had to Krully decide which dogs would stay and which ones I would have to give to friends. I didn’t think Cindy, the largest dog of them all, would be happy in an RV because she never seemed happy travelling in it and needed more space. So I gave her away to a friend to take care of for two years until I asked for her back when we did a little bit better in life and got a rental house... It had rats, and was full of mold, but I got her back and now I had four dogs in total. I found out she had rectal cancer and she was around 16 or 17 at this time. It was a combination of not having the money, considering her age, considering what the consequences might be if things didn’t go right with the surgery and how uncomfortable she might be having rectal surgery and I decided to put her to sleep. I so regret that decision!!! I feel like a horrible horrible person if I should’ve come up with the money somehow. I gave away Tippy, Bella, Pepe and Cindy. It’s been a couple of years and I still cry almost every day regretting giving any of them away. I call myself an animal advocate yet there’s this part of me that I believe is an evil cold which they can do something like this!!! I wish I would’ve gotten the surgery for Cindy and giving her a chance. Putting her to sleep she had an eggnog breathing episode that lasted about 15 minutes and was absolutely horrible. I took that to mean that she wasn’t ready to die and I forced her to. I will never forgive myself. I asked myself what is wrong with me so I can just give dogs away at the drop of a hat yet I see that I do so much for them which I have but how can I do things like that and be a good person??? I hate myself!!!
grievingmom

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Posts: 639
 #2 
Dear CatAnn,

You said you describe yourself as an animal advocate but see yourself too as having a cold side. CatAnn, whether you meant that literally or not, I don't know. But I am going to run with that. Because that stood out.

All people have duality in their personalities and how they operate. Some are much more noticeable than others, however there really isn't anyone on planet earth other than maybe Thich Nhat Hanh, the Buddhist Zen Master (or someone of the like) who doesn't  operate on different planes depending on the situation. This really isn't about personalities but let me give you an example. I worked in Hospital Admissions in a few hospitals and in one of them, someone once said to me "Are you a Nun?" and went on to describe a demeanor I gave off as peaceful and pleasant. That was one hospital. Then there was another hospital where I think I was viewed as a nasty you know what. So my point is, you very well are an animal advocate I am sure. That doesn't mean that you you wear that hat 24 hours a day and that you are deprived somehow of having another layer to who you are. Someone who is vulnerable and subject to the stress of life and someone who makes decisions based on what is before them and gets right to the point and makes a decision. 

From what I read, I saw you with alot of things going against you and you had decisions to make. To give an illustration..there was a war going on in your life that involved many battles and you were the Acting General who had to call the shots. And you did. Now you regret one of your decisions, fiercefully. But speaking of Generals...what General hasn't looked back and regretted a decision they had to make in the heat of battle.

Your back was against the wall and you to act swiftly and precisely and you did. Your decision about Cindy was not made out of malice.

Part of life is realizing we make decisions we wish we could take back. Everyone does. I am reminded of someone who divorced her husband, he remarried and she terribly regretted divorcing him. But she could not undo what was done. It was a sober reminder that in life we can't always get what we want.

Your made your decision and in the minutes and seconds that led up to your decision about Cindy..during those minutes and seconds when you finalized your mind,  it was at that time the right decision.

A tough and painful lesson about life. 

You did not commit a crime or a sin.

I hope in time you will accept that our best in retrospect isn't what we now in the present view as even good enough, let alone our best.
But when you made the decision, it was your best.

Take care and thanks for sharing what's going on.

Stephanie
CatAnn

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #3 
Thank you Stephanie! I didn’t even think anyone was going to reply. You are very wise and wow...taught me something meaningful. Great examples that I can totally relate to. Thank you! Xoxo
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