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sparksmom

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Posts: 39
 #1 
My baby passed yesterday from cancer.  I still have a hard time going into her passing as it is still a shock as was so fast.  She looked good on the outside - even the vet said she looked remarkable for the amount of cancer all in her body.  I can't go there now. I want to tell you about her right now instead.
Her name was Sparkles.  I don't know her exact age but the vet seems to think she was around 9-10 years old. 

Around 5 and a half years ago my other cat, Blackjack, passed away and I was grieving. Blackjack was a stray I had found that had a little crooked tail, a little limp, and a little lump on his side. It was raining one night about a month after Blackjack passed away and I heard a cat meowing.  I kept telling my husband but he thought I was just hearing things from grieving and losing it. 

I told him - no, there is a cat meowing outside and I went to the patio door and there sitting in the rain was a beautiful grey cat.  I opened the door and asked the poor little thing to come over to me and she leaped in my arms as if she had known me forever.  I asked my husband to bring me a towel and dried her off and she was purring and so sweet and friendly. I fed her a can of tuna as was all I had for her as it was late. I put signs up around the block the next day as surly she belonged to someone as she was just too friendly.  Now the strange thing was she had a little crookedness in her tail, a slight limp and a little lump on the side.

No one claimed her and in a couple days we were bonded.  She was my little rain cat that came to me in my time of grief over Blackjack.   But this little cat was such a little child in behavior.  My son had left home a year earlier and she was just what I needed as I was now her mommy and she loved it.  She was a high maintenance cat.  Had to watch everything as she would get into everything...almost like having to baby proof the house.  She would open cupboards...she was such a little treasure.....and sooo sweet in temperament. 

I want to share a couple pictures of her...I just want to see her right now and not talk about what just happened to her....I'm so lost without her....

First - this is Sparkles on the couch pillow and lamby-wool blanket.  We shared the pillow and blank when watching tv but they were hers as everything in the house was hers...
[sparkles] 

This one was when my husbands back went out and I got him situated on the floor propped with pillows.  We after realized he was not positioned good to watch TV so I brought the laptop in so he could watch something.  Sparkles (aka Sparks, Baby Girl) decided her back was going out also and plopped next to him so I had to prop some pillows around her, too.  She watched the film with her daddy.
[sparklesanddaddy] 

This one is her on her pole at x-mas.  Sparkles loved the holidays.  The fun was her loving the holidays so much.  She was like a child on the holidays.  So much fun with her.  She loved the tree and decorations and pulling bows off the presents.....I don't know how I will get through this holiday season without my baby......
[sparklessanta] 

I miss her soo much and don't know how I will get through this. I am sick over it.... I love you so much my precious little baby!!  Mommy misses you soooo much and wants you to come home back to me....How will I go through the day without you??  Everything I did was all centered around you and I am hurting so bad.  I can't stand it anymore being without you!!
HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #2 
So sorry for your loss sparksmom! Sounds like you two were best friends. Unfortunately cancer takes many away. So heart wrecking. Hope you can stay strong for yourself and I do know that it's easier to say then do it. Bleasings!
lanisdog

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Posts: 2
 #3 
Dear Sparksmon,
I read your reply to me and felt your pain. Yes, I think we are in the same boat. It hurts like heck and I hate feeling the way I do, but nothing seems to help. From your post, I could see how much you loved your cat.  I too once had a solid gray cat named Simon. Our  fur babies are our children and when they leave, we grieve. I hope you find some comfort in the coming days knowing that you are not alone in your sadness. Everyone tells me that time will heal the grief. Now, I am hoping that time flies by because I don't want to feel this way. I can't smile, I have no desire to do anything, and I have lost 6 lbs. in 3 days. Please know that I am praying for you and that I sincerely hope you find some peace. Take care.
sparksmom

Registered:
Posts: 39
 #4 
Thank you so much, Heartbroken and lanisdog.

I went to the candlelight ceremony last night and it really helped for a little while...But not long enough.  I can't stop crying and can't stop calling for her.  Yes, lanisdog...knowing not alone is comfort and at the same time sad to think others are feeling such agonizing pain also.  I'm just a mess and thinking you must also be a mess today, too...

Everything I did she was there with me - even down to brushing my teeth and using the bathroom....everything.

I used to "talk" for her in this child voice. I know - it sounds nuts.  Like I would say for example, "sparks says, Mom - am I the cutest thing you ever seen?"  and then I would reply, "yes, you're the cutest thing I have ever seen my little baby girl!" 

My husband got used to me channeling for her as I would tell him I had to talk for her because she could not talk but I knew everything she was thinking and wanted to say...

So today I'm channeling her with her telling me that shes ok and she wants me to eat and stuff..
I'm still feeding her and can't get over she is gone...

Now I'm in bed pretending she is here cuddled up next to me and looking at her pictures crying.  I am so sad and miss her so much.  My heart feels so heavy.  She was a little ray of sunshine and the house feels like all the sunshine has gone and it feels cold, dark and empty in here now.

I'm so sorry others feel this way, too - it's such a dark place to be in.
HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #5 
sparksmom ~ cancer took my baby too :(
I know the "not wanting to do anything" feeling too well unfortunately. I've stayed in bed for days, didn't eat, didnt care to drink anything, and didn't know how to go on. My family started worrying about me and they brought food to my room, otherwise I wouldn't have gone out to the kitchen to eat. Didn't feel right to do any of it, since my baby couldn't. Then when I felt more weak and started to get dizzy, it made me realize that I don't wanna get sick or even end up in the hospital for dehydration or anything. So I've started slowly. I didn't wanna leave my room because it was so very painful being around home without him. Then when I finally left the house (otherwise I would've gone nuts) I didn't want to go back home to the emptiness, he's not waiting by the window anymore, he's no longer there to greet me happily...
It is pretty lucky tho that you were able to communicate with her and know what she was thinking and wanted to say! I wish I had that and knew how to do!
I wish I knew that my baby was ok and wish to get positive signs from him other then nightmares where he is still struggling! It scares me. It's fortunate that you can still communicate with Sparkles.
Cute pictures you've uploaded on your first post.
sparksmom

Registered:
Posts: 39
 #6 
Hi heartbroken..
I didn't mean I'm some animal mind reader. It was more a game I did. Did i really know what she was thinking? I like to think I did...but it was more I just did it because I wanted to talk for her.  I would tell my husband I was channeling for her..haha.  It got to be a habit where I was always talking for her.  But I don't really know what she was thinking - though we all do in a way.  We all kind of know what they are thinking at times.

So I was doing it today to just hear the words and the habit.  I just miss her so much I find myself not being to accept that she is gone and pretend she is here.  Feeding her, calling for her, making sure closet doors are slightly open in case she slipped in.

My husband got me a milkshake (for the calories) for dinner and i ate a slice and a half of pizza - i just could not get anymore than that in....i feel guilty even eating as how can i enjoy anything after my baby just passed.

I too want to know is my baby is ok...

I'm so sorry you are having nightmares.  You poor thing, how awful that must be.  You must be dwelling a lot on when he was struggling in the day for then to come in your dreams.  I wish I could take them away from you.  On top of everything else that is sad to hear.  I hope they go away for you as that must be maddening.

My husband tried to get me to take a walk - I think he's a little worried about me.  But I just don't want to do anything..I'm just not ready..I just want to lay in bad and do nothing but look at my baby in pictures and I also have been writing her lots of letters all day....I just have to get out all the things I'm feeling to her and how I feel and miss her and love her. 

I hope things will get better for us in the future - they say it will...but right now I'm not even ready to do anything but mourn and lay in bed.  My husband even wanted to know if we should move and get a fresh start. because I'm so upset.  NO!!  I don't want to move - yes, the memories are killing me right now and it's painful but nobody is going to remove my babies things - they stay right where they are.

I can't accept she is gone - bottom line.  I just can't accept it!!


jordan123

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #7 
I just put my bunny down yesterday and he is all I can think about.  I adopted him from a rescue four years ago but he was 9 years old.  I miss him so much and I feel like I should have spent more time with him.  I feel bad that I had to keep him in the basement.  It's a very nice basement, but I can't help but feel like he must have been lonely.  He was the first pet that was actually my own and I worked so hard to get him.  He was truly the best bunny ever and I miss him so much.  I can't smile and I don't want to do anything, but my parents wouldn't let me take a day off from school.  I want to feel better but in some ways I feel that if I stop constantly thinking about him and life just goes on, that it will feel like he was only a distant memory.  I feel like this happened with my cats that passed a few months ago.  I always remember them but each month, the memory gets a little fainter.  I don't want this to happen because I'm scared to forget things about them.  What should I do?
HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #8 
Sparksmom ~ I much appreciate your reply! It is nice when someone takes time to write to my post, which hardly ever happens. Thank you!

I think even if you made up some things your furbaby was saying, it's still pretty cool you were communicating with her. I envy those that can truly hear and feel what they are thinking and feeling.

I went through the denial part as well, not believing my baby is really gone.. When his ashes arrived, it hit me all over again. Then changing his urn to a nice one got me again, feeling like this is really it. Then when I've started burning candles front of his picture.. that is still devastating!

I also felt the quilt of eating when he couldn't anymore, when I was able to smile again but then even stopped myself from doing it.

Sounds like your husband really trying to take care of you, that is really lucky to have that support! Most times family members even don't really understand the pain and heartbreak we are going through. Not even mention others..
Glad to hear you got to eat at least something. That's a start.

I really understand that you don't feel like doing anything! I've been there but then I know mom was worrying about me so I've started getting out of bed.

When you said: "I wish I could take them away from you.." I was touched and had years in my eyes. Thank you!

I can completely understand when moving could be an option and helps others. I also understand that you aren't interested in that. It's nice of your husband tho to offer that option for you "well being".

When you're ready to do anything, you will. If you ever interested to chat with me in the chat room of this site, let me know.

💔
HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #9 
jordan123, so sorry for your loss too! Writing a journal could help to keep those memories alive! Unfortunately I don't think we can completely control the memories from fainting and feeling distanced from our loved furbabies, but it's just my opinion. Journal does help in someway, and you could even add pictures to it. Blessings!
mommys_baby

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #10 
What an adorable cat, wow. I can see why you are so very upset. I am so sorry for your loss. It is the worst kind of pain. I am so sorry for your devastation.
twallace13

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #11 
Love the pictures! I can see you loved her a lot. I did the same thing with Kitty. I would ask her how was your day? Then answer for her "not too exciting, sleeping, eating, just hanging out". I'm so glad when she started getting sick I thought about making videos and took lots of pictures. When I start missing her really bad I'll watch the videos, then bawl again. I had her since 2001 and it's so hard coming home knowing she won't be at the door waiting for me. I'm so glad I found this site and know I'm not alone.
sparksmom

Registered:
Posts: 39
 #12 
Thank you Jordon123.....  I hope you are doing ok.  I'm very impressed you rescued an animal at your age.  I'm proud of you and your bunny will always love you.  I know you miss your bunny but he had a long life for a bunny and you were a part of that. I know it hurts but it's normal to hurt. I hope you are doing ok and send you much love!

And thank you mommys baby and Twallice13!  Your kind words so much help me.  Twallice, I still talk for her and nice to know I was not the only one.  Now I know I was not crazy..lol.  It became just the norm.  I would have conversations with her all day long. I talked to her (and her back) more than anyone...even my husband..lol

Hi Heartbroken - I'm still in denial.  Yesterday all I did was pretend she was in bed with me.  I could do nothing else but cry and pretend.  Today I'm really feeling like my pretending is just that, though I'm still doing it.  I long to feel her soft fur and smell her again.  Each day goes by where I cant touch her and kiss her.  I'm such a mess.All of us here are going through this and at different stages.  I'm even scared to move on as how can I ever feel better than this?  I don't even think I want to feel better.

I'm getting her ashes in a couple weeks - I want them so bad so I can bring her home. I want to bring them with me in every room I'm in as if she is with me always.  I love my Sparster so much.  I know you understand and feel same as I do about your baby.  I'm eating a little better now but feel guilty eating.  I have my bby in bad with me by my side pretending her spirit is here while I'm typing this.  Sometimes I feel like - ok - I'll just carry on with her in spirit as though she is here and go through all the motions we normally did.  That works a while but then I can't see her or touch her and the pain is just overwhelming me.

I guess I'll be in bed for awhile.  I just can't do normal stuff without hurting even more.  She loved the electric blanket on this time of year so I have it on for her and she is by my side - in spirit anyway.

Do you have a picture of your baby?  My mind is so fuzzy and have not checked out everything here yet.  Probably why so many posts go unanswered as you were saying.  I think I was just migrating towards the top...pretty much all I can muster up at a time before I have to stop and just go into a crying fit, look at pictures of her and keep checking the clock for my husband to get home from work so I don't have to be alone.  Such a state of confusion all the time I feel I'm in.  I would love to see a picture of your baby.  MAybe our babies are playing together right now and know we are talking to each other hoping we find comfort knowing we are feeling the same pain.  I'm sure they are sad that we are sad and wish we would stop crying and remember all the good memories.
Yes - maybe one day we can chat.  That would be nice. I'll have to see how that works...

I don't know how long I'll be bed ridden - I did a load of laundry yesterday morning...its all I have done. Maybe in a few days I'll empty the vacuum and collect a big fur ball.

I hope you are feeling better today and sleeping better - I hope each day gets better for you, too.  Our babies are all playing together now and happy and painfree....and we are a total mess without them.
I used to tell baby girl that size wise she had such a sweet tiny little baby heart inside her, but it was so very big in love.....god I miss her!!!  My heart hurts so bad.

Ok - my husband just called from work.  Now this is weird.  I have my patio all set up for baby girl.  We also lined it with bamboo that way cats cant jump it or her get out.  I'll have to show you a pic as it was her little paradise with a little waterfall and catnip and a pole......ok...so the day after she passed I went outside and put her little toys on her pole neat as that is what I did everyday after hunting them down.  Anyway - the next day her two balls were moved off the poll lined up side by side perfect.  And the door mat all bunched up.  I took a pic of it that day as I thought she sent me a sign.  Then today the balls were - one behind her cat nip plant and the other in the rocks by another plant and the doormat corner turned back.  I thought maybe my husband was doing it to make me feel better and now just talked to him.  The first time I know he did not do it as he was grieving to hard plus i know when he lies.  I justed asked him on the phone if he did that this morning before I got up and he did not - I know when he lies.  I don't want to have any false hopes but that is wierd and maybe my baby is sending me signs as I keep asking her...then i get one and tell her I NEED another one.  She also left me a heart on the candle ceremonies.  When the candles burned down it left a heart.  I'll get pics sometime to show you loaded here.  My hsband will e home soon so maybe not taday but strange and I hope it is her....not sure if it is helping or making me miss her even more

HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #13 
Dear sparskmom,
I just now read your recent message.

Talking to your furbaby still and imagining her being by your side definitively not crazy and you aren't the only one! I personally write a journal for my baby boy, sharing my stories and feelings with him. I'm really struggling with the distance I feel between him and I, not sure what to make of it, specially since he was the closest to me and broke my heart when I "lost" him.

Even tho I don't like when people say that time will help or lessens the pain but it is true. But I know when we are so deeply in it and it's so fresh still, it really doesn't help much.

I understand you aren't up for leaving your home and doing stuff, but are there any activities that you have enjoyed before and possibly can get back to them?
When I finally decided I need to leave home before I completely drive myself nuts (which I'm sure most of us good at doing) I went back to my favorite hobby that always makes my mind relax and where I am able to be in the moment. If course thoughts of my baby kept coming up and I felt guilty for going out, but it helped even if just for that sort time.

When his ashes arrived, I've lost it all over again. It hit me realizing that he is really gone.. Then when his new urn arrived that I ordered online (because the one he came wasn't nice at all and even mentioned the company's name on it which threw me off) that was pretty challenging too. I couldn't even transfer his ashes to it on my own..

Your electric blanket message put a smile on my face. It is just sweet. I could see it front of me. I have a pillow for my baby boy Pinto by my bed, where he used to lay down and rest or even play. He loved that pillow.

Glad to hear you are eating a little better! That's a start. I sure understand the guilt that comes with it. Luckily I am able to eat normal again.

Were you asking me if I have a picture of my sweet boy, or someone else? Luckily I have many pictures of him, but of course still doesn't feel like I have enough. I wish I had taken more videos of him, which adds more life to it. I would love to see a picture of your baby too.
I haven't posted any, somehow I keep things more personal I guess, but I know others have been posting their pictures, so it shouldn't be a big deal.
He was just a beautiful sweet being! He got compliments every time he met someone.

Chat works pretty easy. I'll look for you in the Monday candle ceremony, if you'll log in to that. As if you're using this same name you use here.

Also looking forward seeing your paradise-patio. Sounds real sweet. I think it's great that your baby's toys were moved and that you can trust it was her spirit being there! I think that's amazing! I'm still waiting for a sign but I don't recall getting a positive one yet. Maybe I'm just trying too hard.
The heart candle memory sounds amazing too! Glad to hear you can have those signs, and I understand how they might make it harder in soneway, but I hope it would also give you comfort on knowing that your baby is still around and showing you signs that she is ok!
And of course your husband is better not to lie about the toys moving around, because that would be just very insensitive in my opinion.

Much blessings to you all!





sparksmom

Registered:
Posts: 39
 #14 
Hi Heartbroken...

No - my husband didn't do it - he even was a little upset I would sugest such a thing.  I just have a hard time believing she could have done that.  I feel like if she could do something like that then I want to see her, too. I would rather see her than the messages I suppose.  But not understanding what limits are capable on the other side I still love she sent me messages.  If it is her.  I go over in my head maybe another cat came in the yard though just weird her balls were so perfectly lined up.  And the heart melted in the wax...

I too write to her - more so the first 4-5 days.  My husband is off on weekends so didn't write much yesterday other than I love you and miss you.  I'm eating again - in fact my husband and I layed in bed all day eating (after I picked a few things up around the house so that's progress)....felt like we went the opposite way now and stuffed our selves as if trying to fill that empty feeling inside.

As far as hobbies I love crafts and stuff.  Sad thing is Sparkles was always by my side.  I was a stay at home mom with my son and was the house on the block where all the kids played at because their moms worked.  Always had kitties - in fact had 4 before my son was born and they lived long lives into thier 20.s.  Oldest was my Tiger boy who lived to 24 years old.  I was devastated when he passed but having a house full of kids makes you have to function.

When my son left for college (then work) I had Blackjack and not soon after he passed  Sparkles found me. So naturally I had a put all my mothering into her.  So her passing is extremely hard on me and my husband.  She Divided her love equally between my husband and I.

Anyway - today is semi ok considering.  I still talk to her and call her.  Just very very sad still.  I have a lack of energy but suppose that is normal.

My babies ashes will be here in a couple weeks - they said 3 weeks and it's been a week today.  Seems so much longer.  I probbaly should look into a pretty urn for her before she comes home and thank you for the reminder as to what you did.

I understand how you still get guilt for doing things.  I have to go to the grocery store - maybe today with my husband.  Hard to think of going and not getting her something or going down the pet aisle.  We shall see how that goes.

I was talking about a pic of your baby.  But I understand if that is a pesonal thing.  I'm finding just doing anything like downloading a picture is great effort.  Like my energy level is zapped.  I plan on posting pics of her garden (one of her favorite places other than being in bed with me)and the pics of things I told you about.  Soon I will...just feeling the strain of doing all that is overwhelming me right now.

Thank you for listening when I know you are going through the same issues.  I'm sure your cat is watching over you and wants you to feel his presence.  Maybe it's a matter of not picking up on the messages and he has left some for you and you have not seen them as a message.

For instance I did a word search book going to the bathroom (I know - persoanl..lol) and she would lay by my feet.  I would tell her "just one more word baby girl"  and she would roll over.  Then I would say, "heres another one", and she would rool over again.  I would do that over and over for about 5-8 words then throw her the pen and she would play with it on the floor a bit.

I put the book away after she passed as it was just too painful.  Then I had a dream where I was at her pole and the little house part I was reaching my hand in and I kept pulling out pens.  Was kind of disturbing.  But that morning I took the word search book I had put away and put it on her pole with her candle heart (and other things I have on there).  And I put a pen on the book.  The next morning I went outside (I always went outside with her in mornings) and on my patio table I have a little container with pens and stuff as I do my billing and stuff on the patio.  And on teh ground was a pen by my chair.  Did I drop it the day before?  Maybe - I dont know.  But I took the pen and put it with the other pen on her word book.  It dawned on me that my dream that I felt was disturbing was maybe another sign.

Maybe your subconscious is still really torn up and dwelling on the end more so than the good you did with her?  I'm no expert but dreams come from the subconscious.  And everyone is different in where they dwell deep inside. I'm sure once your mind eases up you will let go of the bad dreams and be replaced with good - or weird ones like I had that is hard to figure out until I saw a pen on the ground. Take your babies pillow and lay it by you when you sleep and ask him to comfort your dreams.  Think good thoughts of the two of you and not the end.  maybe that will help.  I hope so as I know how this really bothers you.

I will be at the candle light ceremony tomorrow night.  If you are feeling up to it maybe I will see you there..... :)

I think one day our babies will be with us again - somehow....Hope your day goes well for you and thinking of you.






HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #15 
Hello sparksmom,
I've just wrote you a long message and it's all gone (for the second time), how frustrating that is. First I've opened something else on my phone, then coming back to this, I couldn't find it.

I understand that you would rather see your Sparkles then a message from her, but I'm hoping to even get a positive sign from my baby boy, since I can't see him anymore.
My baby was a doggie, not a cat. The urn I got him from amazon.com says: "dogs leave a paw prints on your heart forever". I assume you can find one for your Sparkles too. This one has a little place for a picture too and it's much nicer then the one was sent to us. The original one that came in the mail looked like an ugly plastic including the name of the company that sent his ashes. I thought that was just wrong.
I've also ordered a pet remembrance journal from amazon, that has questions of your beloved furbaby's life and places to add pictures. I thought it's a nice way to keep those memories alive, but I've started to feel it out yet. I think it makes me feel bad that I don't remember many details..
I really do need to start remembering the good times instead of his last days..
It's sweet of you wanting to see a pic of my baby boy but I'm not quite there yet. I even have a hard time printing pics of him.
But let me know when you post any of Sparkles and maybe your other cats.?
I understand how it feels when going down the pet aisle.. even tho I purposely try to avoid it, since it's still hard.
Interesting dream and experience you had with those pens/searchbook. Ik could see those on other signs from your Sparkles.
Have you ever read any books on "signs from pets from the afterlife"?
"Maybe your subconscious is still really torn up and dwelling on the end more so than the good you did with her?" Feels like you are sure right about this and someone else told me something similar. This person also said I need to chill down and have faith. I can see her and your point on this.
Welcome for listening and I'm hear whenever you need someone to listen. Thank you for sharing and your replies to me. Much appreciated!
Hugs and blessings to you all!
HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #16 
🌷Sparkles🌷
How are you feeling/doing these days?
Hugs to you
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