Registered: 1236028082 Posts: 1,066
Hi everyone, I went to the pet cemetery today with my husband Steve. We saw Cleo's new headstone and stood by her grave for a while. Steve started talking about her. He spoke about how he missed her jumping on his shoulders. He said , I took very good care of her. He said we did the right thing. He was glad we had a service for her and that everything was special for her. He said, I always made sure that she had a nice bed and that she had a good life. She had love and caring and food and a nice home. It was nice to hear him talk about her. He misses her and needed to be with her. I knew that it was only her body that was there. I knew Cleo was at the Rainbow Bridge, but it was so hard not to have doubts. What if she was down there and wasn't at the Bridge? I couldn't bare thinking that. Reality was hitting me so hard in the face. I definitely went a little numb while we were standing there and I kept telling myself that she wasn't there. It was very uncomfortable. We got back in the car and Steve talked about her some more. I tried so hard to hold the tears back, but I couldn't anymore. He was supportive and said it was OK to cry. He said, I know it hurts. You were all right. I'm glad we went to the cemetery, but my head is a little messed up right now. God, I miss her. She was and always will be so amazing. Thank you all for your support and advice. Because of you all, I did the right thing and I'm relieved. God Bless all of you. Sleep peacefully, Pam I love you Cleo. I love you so much. I miss you more and more each day. Thank you for making me so happy. Thank you for loving me so much. Mama
Registered: 1253452424 Posts: 42
Aw...I think we all have those moments of "Are they really at the bridge?". Its only human to question when we dont have any tangible proof. Whenever I feel that way, I think about the coincidences/miracles/happenings which operate in my life, that I really can't explain unless there is life after death.
In times of doubt, refocus your mind onto those "aha moments". You are very fortunate to have such a loving supportive husband through your grief. And he is right...never feel like you have to hold back tears..crying is a cleansing of the soul.
Registered: 1222403429 Posts: 1,982
That was the first thing I said too.... "awwww"
I know it was hard, but it really sounds like Steve needed to go, and I know he felt in his heart you did too. It gave him a chance to say things that were in his heart. There was no reason for you to fight the tears, he was with you. You've been so blessed with communicating with Cleo on a regular basis. Her signs to you is her confirmation to you that her soul lives on and she is with you. When my Mother passed away, I've only once been back to her burial site. It's in another state where my family resides. My brothers and sisters don't go, they say she is not there. I know that, but I've wished so many times I could go and just sit there. Just be where her body was laid to rest, be close to her physical body. I know her soul is in heaven and I talk to her all the time, but the need to go and be near still remains for me. I hope some day you will find it a comforting place to go. It's where you lovingly put her physical body to rest while her soul soured up to the heavens and remains in connection to your soul. Sandie/Murphy's Mommy
Registered: 1230401278 Posts: 332
Pam, I think that's great that you went, and your emotions are totally normal. As you have said in many of your posts, it IS a rollercoaster. Sometimes you can feel Cleo right there with you, so strong. Other times, maybe she's off at the bridge, or napping, or with Steve, and maybe you don't feel her. That's okay. I think it's important to deal with the hard stuff -- going to the cemetary, thinking again about the horrible last day or days, thinking about the pain. Not dwelling on it, but letting your body and mind go there, and crying and yelling and screaming. Just let it out. Then, think the happy thoughts about Cleo again, feel her presence near you and that spiritual connection you know is there. I think those hard "realities" we face get easier each time we confront them -- but avoidance will just make it worse.
You are working through your grief so wonderfully, with Cleo's help, with the help of your friends on this board, and clearly with Steve's help. Peace, Pam.
Registered: 1237468924 Posts: 19
I remember six months ago when you really helped me when I was (am still am) grieving over the loss of my beloved dog, Scrappy. I am glad that you went to the cemetery to visit although like you said, only her body is there. I worked on my own dog's site today. I finally ordered a headstone and it should be here within the next few days. It took me six months to do it! When she passed, I planted two azaleas, put an angel statue there (my friend did actually) and some edging around it. It's so hard to keep it looking nice because I have to face that she is really not here physically. I decided that I wanted it done by fall/winter, so I am working towards that. I still cry daily and miss her terribly. Believe me, I know how you feel.
Registered: 1219887733 Posts: 11,059
Looking at the grave site of your precious pet brings about so many emotions. Since my bunny is in my backyard, I think of him everyday lying in his little box and looking like a sleeping baby. Letting go of our babies is so difficult and we miss them so dearly. I am glad Steve is talking about Cleo and understanding how lost you are without her. Cleo was one very special girl. Mare
Registered: 1230401278 Posts: 332
Hey Pam -- For me, at least, I know I would feel less pain if I had more faith -- more knowledge, more certainty. Where is Sadie? Where is Cleo? No one knows for certain. Many of us have a strong faith in something -- the bridge, heaven, etc. Some believe in reincarnation. I think it's just something our brain can't really comprehend scientifically, it's about faith and beliefs and trust. So, where is Cleo? I think she's everywhere around you. I think if you feel her, she must be there. She's in your heart, your head. You had a connection while her body was working and you could see her physical form. That connection just can't be broken when the physical form breaks down. Just because you can't see her, doesn't mean she's not there. I have to believe in that, too -- but I will drive myself crazy trying to figure out exactly where she is, and how could it be, and how does it make sense?
So, while her physical form is at the cemetary, that's a piece of Cleo -- but not her essence, not her soul. It's just one of the memories, and just one place to go to remember and reflect. But, like you are doing, you CAN do it anywhere. She's everywhere. Does that make sense? Keep strong! Jennifer
Registered: 1236028082 Posts: 1,066
To Carsonsmom, Sandie, Mare, Ilovealldogs,and Jennifer, I know I've said this before, but I have to say it again. I truly don't know what I would do without all of you. I can't imagine not having found this beautiful and very special family. These last few days have been so difficult because going to the cemetery stirred up so much and I found myself have crying episodes afterwards. I cried last night while watching Grey's Anatomy because someone died and they spoke about grief. It triggered my crying. Steve saw me and said ' I know', 'I know.' He even asked me this morning if I was OK? It's all just so sad and upsetting. I miss her even more today than I did yesterday. Life is not the same anymore. I miss that precious face when I walk in the door. Tiffany is there and that is comforting. She's incredibly sweet and I know I'm lucky to have her, but my baby should be here. She should just be here without being sick or old. I never in a million years imagined my life without her. She is such a huge part of me and I'm yearning to hold her. The signs keep coming and I'm holding onto that. I know we had to go to the cemetery and that it was the right thing to do, but I just want to cry and I hate feeling sad. You have all helped me with my doubts about where Cleo is. I think she's at the Bridge and I think she's in my house. I believe in the Rainbow Bridge. Last night, there was a new program on called flash forward. There was a disaster all over the world and as they showed burning buildings and lots of smoke, there was a rainbow. I felt my baby right then and there. Cleo is in my heart and somehow someway, we are communicating and the connection is strong. It just hurts so bad sometimes. I hate that pain. It's the heaviest feeling and I feel like I'm going to collapse. My birthday was September 11th and it had been 6 months for Cleo. It was so hard to have a birthday without her physically and the 6 month marker got to me too. Now it's 7 months. I get so frustrated when I want her in my arms but can't have her. I just keep telling myself how unbelievably blessed and lucky I was to have been chosen to be her owner. Why me? Although, my late husband did send her to me 10 months after he passed to help me with my grief. Where did he find this amazing creature? Where did God find this beautiful soul? I miss her love. I miss her love so much. Thank you all again for helping me through this. I wish I could get off this rollercoaster. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Sleep peacefully, Pam Mama loves you and will never let you go. I'm always with you my pretty girl.
Registered: 1245859572 Posts: 2,123
Pam, Tears filled my eyes reading your two posts in this thread. I so can relate to all of your emotions. Thank you for sharing your doubts as well, because it helps me to know I'm not alone in those either. I know you know that what you're feeling is natural, and it's good that you've come here to talk it out with this wonderful family. You're doing the right thing to take care of yourself and to honor your beautiful Cleo's memory. Hugs of comfort, Lori
Registered: 1531402039 Posts: 32
Thank you so much for sharing all of that! I, too have just lost my very precious angel. She was a cat loved by all who knew her (even those who swore they don't love cats!)...I also am thinking to bury her at a cemetery. As I can't wrap my head around cremation yet...Do you have any regrets going that route? Do you still live in the same state as the cemetery? As I might move away! So I don't know what to do! :( I'd love to know your thoughts. Thanks SO MUCH! Hugs, friendlygal