Registered: 1208278231 Posts: 199
I'm so sorry baby...that I didn't put you to sleep sooner. I should have known you weren't feeling good. I saw it in your eyes. When I was crying on the bed the day I was deciding on whether or not to put you to sleep, you came to me and my tears fell on your head. I knew you were telling it was okay...that it was your time to go. I knew it yet I was going to wait three whole weeks to do it.
Why did I do that to you? Didn't I love you? I always said that if you were suffering, I would put you to sleep. I would not make you suffer for my selfishness. And look what I did Piggy. How could I? I made you suffer. The night your body failed you, you were on the bathroom sink drinking water and I walked by and looked at you from the mirror. You were totally out of it. You were falling asleep looking at the water but not drinking. I turned the water off and put you on the floor. I text messaged my brother and told him that I didn't think you would make it to May 2nd because you were totally out of it. Oh my baby..I didn't know. Twenty-five minutes later, I heard the worst sound I've ever heard. That sound will haunt me for an eternity. Baby, you were dying. I didn't know what to do. I thought it your blood sugar level since you were a diabetic. I rushed to put caro syrup on your gums as I screamed and cried. You licked yourself and looked at me with fear in your eyes. I knew you were going to die baby. My worst nightmare was coming true. Why? I called my brother in a panic. We had to put you to sleep baby. I had to take you the the emergency vet to have you put to sleep. I rubbed your head in the car while I screamed, "Don't you die on my Piggy - not yet. I need to hold you." This was not the way I pictured it. Why? I held you at the vet's and wished I was dying with you. Your body was lifeless but your eyes were alive. Oh Piggy....somehow you found a way to turn your lifeless head towards me...you looked straight into my eyes. That look will also haunt me. What were you thinking baby? How I failed you? I can't remember if I told you I loved you enough or if I kissed you enough. It all happened so quickly and not at all the way I had planned baby. I hope you can forgive me my angel...in the end, I was that selfish person I said I wouldn't be. I am so sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was make you suffer and I did and I can't tell you how sorry I am. I always told you that mommy would never let anything bad happen to you yet I caused you the greatest suffering. My life is ruined. My heart is empty. I just want to go with you. I don't know that I will ever get over this beautiful. I am so sorry. I love you deeply Piggy. I am sorry my angel.
Registered: 1206449055 Posts: 657
I am so very sorry, Empty Now. I am just so sorry. Please don't do that to yourself--you did nothing wrong. I think it has been a bad day for a lot of us. Or maybe there all just bad days right now. Just wanted to let you know I am very sorry for what you went through.
Registered: 1205159567 Posts: 1,015
Dear emptynow (Piggy’s mom) Please, please, please do not beat yourself over this. I know it’s just our human nature to go to this guilty place, but you did nothing wrong. You did everything you could with all the information that you had at the time. Your Piggy knows your heart and how VERY, VERY much you love her, and she knows how much you wanted her to stay with you – they all understand that, because they don’t want to leave us either. Oh, emptynow, I’m so sorry you’re feeling so awful and I wish I had better words of comfort to help ease your pain. I’m sending you a bunch of hugs . . . Rusty’s Mom.
Registered: 1208278231 Posts: 199
Thanks Becky. It's definitely a bad day and I think you're right - it seems like a lot of us are having those lately. :(
Registered: 1200561771 Posts: 251
I can really hear and feel your pain, I am crying with you and for you. It is the most horrendous thing to lose a beloved furbaby, your Piggy was obviously your little angel. I know how you feel, my guilt is so overwhelming too. My baby passed 4 months ago and it is still as bad as the first day. Please don't be so hard on yourself, easier said than done I know. You just wanted your baby with you as long as possible. It is the hardest decision one can ever make. I know that I put it off for a very long time. Be happy that you spent the last moments of Piggy's life with her and she knew how much you loved her. We all understand here, please be gentle with yourseld. A big cuddle to you, Nuggetsmum Alana
Registered: 1205715660 Posts: 763
I got chills when I read your post. My Mr. Meowgy was also diabetic and when I took him to the vet that last day I thought it was an insulin thing and that the vet would make him alright. He looked at me from his carrier, turned his head and said goodbye and thank you. His face was so young looking again, his eyes so bright. I had no idea this was the end.. I thought I would have time to prepare. I thought the diabetes would slowly claim him, body organ by body organ. You did not fail your beloved Piggy. You loved him so much. You had no idea like I had no idea. Please don't do this to yourself. I think that your darling Piggy was telling you goodby and thank you. He knew how much you loved him. They are so smart our cat babies. You know that. And yes, it has been a terrible day for me too. They seem to be getting harder. You are in my thoughts. Donna, Mr. Meowgy's mom
Registered: 1194492978 Posts: 5,100
Dear Piggy's mom,
Please, please don't be so hard on yourself. I could be telling almost the same story you are. My little beloved terrier, Betsy, was so demented and frail when I finally made the awful decision. She didn't seem to be in a lot of pain, but her little body had started to contort in her sleep and she could no longer stand for long without support from me. Yet, she still ate everything I HAND-FED her. Do you see what I mean? I couldn't let go. Was I a bad mother? I don't think so. I loved her more than I love myself. I did the best I could. I kept having nightmares about giving the vet permission to stop her heart. You see, I used to hold her in my arms with my fingers gently over her heart because I loved to feel her strong heartbeat. She had such a perfect little heart. I am rambling, but your letter touched something in me. I don't want you to feel guilty. I think it is the HARDEST THING IN THE WORLD to put a beloved baby to sleep. Nothing (to me) has been more difficult or painful in my life. So, WHO can blame you if you wanted to wait just a little longer? I can't blame you. Most people here would never blame you. So, why are you blaming yourself? You loved Piggy with all of your heart and soul. I think she looked at you in her last moment to tell you how much she loved and appreciated you, and to tell you farewell....until we meet again. I really believe that. Please try to remember all the lovely times the two of you spent together. I know it is hard, dear, but try. She wants you to forgive yourself, because she loves you so and it hurts her to see you hurting so much. Piggy knows your heart. She knows how deeply you loved her. Sending hugs, Melissa Betsy's forever mom
Registered: 1174875149 Posts: 2,245
I am so sorry about your loss of Sweet Piggy. Your post broke my heart as I have walked in your shoes. I will Never Forget the Day Christopher died in my arms, Never. We do what we have to do for our babies. Piggy knew you did what you thought was right because of Love. If there was something I could say to make this better for you I would but nothing helps. Christopher has been gone for over 13 months and I still cry for him every day and will Forever. I too wanted to leave with Christopher but as you can see I am still here typing. I will Always look forward to the day that Christopher and I are together again Forever. You and Piggy are in my Prayers. Big Hugs Georgeann and Christopher Forever
Registered: 1205963166 Posts: 205
Oh Piggy'smom I'm so very sorry for your loss...you did everything you could do for your baby....sometimes we just get used to seeing our babies a certain way, and we don't see the changes they go thru....don't put yourself thru this guilt as you gave your baby so much love ...Don't worry my Tai-Chi is probably showing Piggy the ropes of the RB, just awaiting our arrival
Sweet Piggy, run painfree at the Bridge and remember how much your mommy loves and misses you....Tai-Chi's mom Lisa
Registered: 1199802128 Posts: 37
I am very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you and I went through almost the same thing. My baby Elvis was diabetic and yesterday he took a turn for the worse. I had to make that decision last night and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
Its times like these that we will need the support of people who care & understand. I have said a special prayer for you. God Bless. Christine
Registered: 1206744372 Posts: 174
I know too well how the guilt of the what ifs and if onlys tear us apart when it concerns our babies lives. You did nothing wrong. We are not vets and sometimes looking back on it's easy from that perspective to start doubting if you waited too long to put Piggy to sleep. You weren't being a negligent mom, you were taking good care of her treating her diabetes carefully. I can't see that there's anything wrong with having a hard time trying to decide when "it's the exact right time" for saying goodbye forever to a treasured baby. That is a normal feeling when you've loved and received love from them for so long. I know that this is easier said than done from reading my posts about all the mistakes I made in dealing with Sherry's illness and sudden death. Hugs, Rena
Registered: 1208278231 Posts: 199
Thank you all for your kind words. Last night was three weeks since Piggy went to the RB and I was feeling very emotional and lonely.
You guys are truly a God send. Thank you so much. I am so sorry that you all are also dealing with the loss of your fur babies. God bless them! BIG HUG, Piggy's Mom
Registered: 1192947352 Posts: 19
I am so very sorry for your loss and the horrible way it had to end. I was haunted for a long time with the last few days of my Jasper's life. Your story brought me to tears and I can feel your pain. I still go to his grave and tell him how sorry I am. No matter how long, it never seems like enough time with them. I don't think it is something you can prepare yourself to do. I am sure your dear Piggy knew how much you loved him and that you would not hurt him. You are both n my thoughts and prayers. Valerie