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danyelle

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Posts: 2
 #1 
Three weeks ago tomorrow, my husband and I had to euthanize our precious angel dog Ellie. She was very very sick and it was our fault. She had pyometra, an infection of the uterus, and her uterus ruptured. She survived the emergency surgery and made it through 3 days post-surgery, but her body just couldn't recover from the toxins that had poured out of her uterus and into her stomach. My poor sweet Ellie. I knew we needed to spay her, we both knew it...she wandered into our lives from off the streets when we first started dating. We were young and poor and couldn't afford to have her spayed then, and after each heat cycle I would say 'baby, we need to start saving for her surgery,' but we just never got around to it. If we were more responsible pet owners, she'd be alive today. We aren't poor now, and could've afforded it at any time. We just never got around to it. And because of our laziness, Ellie is gone. How can she be gone? 

Ellie was the sweetest, most loving, kindest, and most patient dog I've ever met. I've had lots of dogs over the years, but none were as easygoing as Ellie. Other dogs? No problem. Cats? Ellie wanted to snuggle them. She didn't even bark at squirrels. She loved my 4-year-old niece and would let Nicole follow her around all day, laying in her bed together. Ellie never even looked perturbed if Nicole pet a little too forcefully and had to be corrected. One time, my husband accidentally scooted her off the bed in the middle of the night, and Ellie never even woke up! She didn't hold grudges. All she ever wanted was love and snuggles, and a good snack. 

It's been nearly 3 weeks but I can't get the last few days out of my mind: the look on her little face when her uterus must've ruptured, the pain she was in...the sounds she made and the physical cramping in her abdomen as we rushed her to the hospital. The stressful days that followed...and then the news that it was time to give up, that there was nothing more the team of vets could do. We were there with her the whole time, and we didn't cry until after the vet told us she was gone, because I didn't want her to be scared. Every time I close my eyes, there she is--either in pain or on the floor of the hospital after the procedure was over. I can't remember the happy times. It's like my memories have been erased. I want to remember but I am stuck. We euthanized Ellie on August 1. The next day I remember fully is August 12. It's like I was in a cloud of grief and those in-between days I just autopiloted through...I know I went to work, and I know I cried a lot, because I haven't stopped crying. It's been another 10 days and I can't believe that much time has passed. I have no idea where this entire month has gone. 

We brought Ellie's ashes home and have made a sort-of shrine with her bowls, her collar, her pillows and blankie, her ashes, and the pawprint they made for us. I light a candle for her every single day. I miss her so much. I've lost nearly 10 pounds in the last 3 weeks, and I haven't slept for more than 4-5 hours a night. I'm exhausted, guilty, and more sad than I've ever been in my life. My husband and I have been struggling to get pregnant and now I wonder if we deserve to be parents at all.

We have another dog, Audrey, who's been with me since January 2006 who IS spayed, and I'd been emotionally preparing myself to say goodbye to her as she's getting older. But now she's left wandering the house, searching for her Ellie friend. Audrey stopped eating for days, wouldn't sleep anywhere but in Ellie's bed...I've been taking her to stay at my sister's house with her cousin dog and she's finally starting to get some pep back in her step. We're nearing her annual vet appointment, though, and I'm terrified that they're going to discover some hidden wrong thing and that she'll leave us too. I want to be a good dog mom to her but I am also just frozen with fear.

I have an appointment with my therapist soon but couldn't wait to see her to get this off my chest. Everyone on this forum seems to know how this feels, so I had to get it out of me. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
grievingmum

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #2 
Hi Danyelle, I’m really sorry to hear of your loss. I know what it’s like to blame yourself but it’s really not your fault. Let me tell you an important story..

My dog, she was like my daughter. She got mammary cancer. Surgery and chemo saved her life BUT it was a miracle. Whilst she was getting chemo, we were told that it’s more likely she wouldn’t make it, the cancer had invaded her vascular system. I blamed myself because I didn’t get her speyed. In the chemo waiting room, I told this to another patients mum and she said this “don’t blame yourself, I did spey my dog but she died under anaesthetic”.

So, we can never know what’s more dangerous for our fur babies.

This is not your fault.

Now 4 years later, I lost my little girl 7 days ago. I’m devestated but I needed to write this to you.
danyelle

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #3 
Oh, GrievingMum, I am so so sorry to hear about your darling girl. I know that you're right and that we can never know what's most dangerous for our precious babies. Thank you for taking time out of your grief to help me with mine. I will try to remember what you've said when things get dark. I hope only the happiest of memories keep you company during this truly heartbreaking, stupid time.
grievingmum

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #4 
Thank you so much, your kind words mean a lot. I also wish you as much peace as possible, Ellie would definitely want you to be happy. Take care Danyelle
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