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Shiannon

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Posts: 76
 #1 
As I sit here typing this message, my grief is immeasureable. We lost our beautiful boy, Jackson, a gorgeous loving bichon/maltese on Sunday morning 22nd of June.
He was 12, but it wasn't old age that got to him, as he was still vibrant 3 months ago. He had a fall in the car 4 weeks ago and hurt the discs in his back. We took him to the vet who put him on medication for the pain, but he didn't seem to pick up. His immune system had taken a hit from the medications that he was on, and he picked up a bacteria that started to break down his system and destroy his red blood cells.

It was a nightmare to watch him slowly deteriorate in the hospital. Every day we went to see him he was weaker, even though they tried everything to save him, and he fought so hard to live.  Even though I didn't want to admit it, I knew that I was going to have to say goodbye to him as he deteriorated to a point where he didn't have the energy to even sit up anymore.
The last time I saw him alive, he was struggling to breath and just hanging in there, they tried everything, we tried everything, but in the end he was just too tired and slipped away. We went to him after he passed away to give a final cuddle and kiss and to take a lock of his hair for safekeeping.  He is to be cremated and returned to us in a wooden plaque box to commemorate his beautiful life.
I have lost the love of my life. My grief is endless. I am not eating or sleeping. I have lost a stone of weight since last wednesday. I feel like I want join him and be with him. He gave me so much love. He is irreplaceable. Am I normal to feel this way? Will I ever be able to smile again?


Becky57

Registered:
Posts: 657
 #2 

Shiannon, I am so sorry for your loss of Jackson.  I am feeling the same way as you are--it has been three months today for me. You don't have to read on here very long to know that what you are feeling is normal.  My dog did not die of old age either------a series ofmistakes by me and the vet ended her life at 7.  Again, I am sorry for your loss.

HelenY

Registered:
Posts: 1,415
 #3 
Shiannon-- I'm so very sorry for your loss of Jackson. I know exactly how you feel and I'm crying tears of sadness as I'm writing this.  It's been almost 8 months since I lost my little Teddy girl.  She was a bichon, too.  Your post just brought all my memories of her flooding back and I just wanted you to know that I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this most difficult time.  This site had saved me from utter despair and I hope that you will continue to come here to get the love & support that I have been fortunate to receive.
    When you're feeling a little better, please show us some pictures of your beloved Jackson.  Right now, he's young & healthy again at the Rainbow Bridge--probably being welcomed there by my Teddy and the gang.

            Lots of hugs to you--   Teddy's Mom


                                  
bugsdogs

Registered:
Posts: 1,288
 #4 
Shiannon,

I hurt for you and your loss of Jackson, I know how hard it is to lose such a love of your life. The grief is endless and at times almost unbearable. You lost a very important member of your family, for that I am so very sorry.

I have been lost and missing my two for just over 14 1/2 months and still haven't found a way to completely heal from this. I too felt like I wanted to go with them but we must go on and find a way to life our lives and try to honor their memories. I know that sounds so trite but we do find a way to do this. That doesn't mean that we ever really get over this loss, we just find a way to live with it. It becomes a part of our lives now.

Your love for Jackson will help you during this difficult time, just hold his love close to your heart, he is safe there forever.

Helen
Gruntsmomforever

Registered:
Posts: 699
 #5 
Dear Shiannon,

My deepest sympathy goes out to you in your sadness - the loss of your Beloved Jackson is heartbreaking.  I truly know how excruciating it was to watch your baby deteriorating, yet fighting to stay with you.  There really is no consolation - any that might come close is that his suffering is gone.  And now yours has begun, having lost your most precious one.

What you are experiencing is very familiar to all of us.  My world fell apart, my heart was broken when I lost my boy, I have never felt such anguish.  It will soon be 4 months since he's been gone, and my heart still aches because he isn't here anymore.

It helps so much to come here whenever you need to, to read and to post when you need to "talk".  Everyone understands and cares, and will listen and help.  Your Jackson is forever imbedded in your heart and soul, nothing can take that away.  Love shared, cherished memories made together, will always be with you.

Hugs,
Katharine, Grunt's Mom Forever 


WooWooWoo

Registered:
Posts: 5,100
 #6 
Dear Shiannon,

I am so very sorry you have lost your beloved Jackson.  It is so horribly difficult to say farewell to such a loving and devoted companion of so many years.  My heart just breaks that you had to watch him suffer, but you must remember, he is no longer feeling pain and has been restored to full health and vigor at Rainbow Bridge.   Now, you are in pain, and the pain in the beginning is almost unbearable.  But, I am concerned that you have lost a stone (14 pounds) in a week which is a LOT of weight to lose in one week, and that you have thought of joining your sweet baby.   I think this is probably acute grief, but it is severe.   Please try to eat and keep yourself hydrated.  

In the meantime, come here and post whenever you feel the need.  I lost my beloved little 16 year old terrier, Betsy, to dementia five months ago, and I have been posting on this site since.   It has literally been a lifesaver and Godsend for me, as she was my baby girl (I have no children).   So, if it helps you, write us and tell us more about your precious baby.....but EAT and get some rest.   Some people on this site have been so bereft when they lost their babies that they have sought counseling.   This can be a huge help, especially if your appetite does not soon return.   Please let us know how you are doing.

I have lit an internet candle for Jackson under the name JACK.  You can find it by going to the first page and first post on AurichWolf's thread entitled "Light a Candle Here" on this grief board.  Click on the little Light a Candle icon inside her post and you will bring up a candle page.  This candle will burn for 48 hours.  May you find some peace and comfort in your wonderful memories of your boy.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,
Melissa
Betsy's forever mom


Shiannon

Registered:
Posts: 76
 #7 
Thankyou to you all for sending me messages of support. I am sitting here surrounded by mess at present. My normally clean house is as neglected as me. But what does it matter? A clean house as opposed to losing my baby is no contest. 

I still can't believe he is gone. He is everywhere. I pick up his blankets and pillows and I can still smell him on them. I am not going to wash them as it brings back sweet memories. His life will provide me with many wonderful and happy memories, I just wish I could get past the last horrible few weeks of his life and his struggle to survive, because it is clouding my mind.

I am to receive his ashes today in a rosewood plaque box from the pet cemetery. I don't know whether I will be more saddened by this or more comforted. He is home with me, but not the way I would have liked it to be.

A wonderful friend of mine, who called in last night with a pot of pumpkin soup, a kind word, and a beautiful card to show her support, told me a story about her dog, Cassie, who she lost 8 years ago. She loved Cassie very much and was having trouble with her grief, but as the grief started to ease a little she said that she actually 'felt' Cassie around her. She said that she saw her a couple of times sitting in her usual place and once felt her climbing onto her bed at night when there was nobody else there but my friend. 

Can our beloved animals come back to give us comfort? Does anybody believe that?  I would like to think that this is possible. My husband says that he can feel his presence in the house, but I'm not convinced. My grief is so great at present I just can't get past it.

He was a beautiful boy, and as my girlfriend described him, 'a distinguished old gentlemen'....which he was from the day he was born.  He was always well mannered, polite, and took food gently from your hand. He was a friend to everybody who came into our house and was trusted around babies and small children.  He certainly had his own mind though and I think he could understand every word I said...and then add some of his own.

My cherished boy. I pray that we meet again one day. I will love him forever.

Shiannon

Shiannon

Registered:
Posts: 76
 #8 
Melissa,

Thankyou so much for lighting a candle for my beloved Jackson, it was beautiful. I went to the site and lit one for my boy too, with my own special message. It is comforting to know that there are others out there who feel the same way about their babies. I truly pray that we join our little furbabies one day. The unconditional love that my boy provided me in this life through illness, sadness, happy moments. He was there for them all. We even took him on holidays with us to pet friendly accommodation. Why wouldn't you? They deserve a holiday too.

I have one saving grace at present. I have his son Dylan still with me to carry on, but he is missing Jackson dreadfully and is fretting. I fear that he will pine away for him. What can I do? I don't want to lose another baby, one precious boy is enough for my heart.

Shiannon


Lucifer

Registered:
Posts: 24
 #9 
Shiannon,
I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our beloved Lucy, a beautiful long-haired black cat, last December 22, just about 6 months ago. We still miss her terribly, but I think it does get easier with time. Not easy--but easier. I felt like I was actually bleeding inside, I hurt so badly. Now, it's better. Not good--but better. Now we do seem to think more of the good times and less of the sadness and terror of her last week. Please do try to know that your Jackson is happy and free of pain, and to answer your question, yes, I abolutely do believe that our pets can and do "visit us"--that they do come back. I know that our Lucy was there with us, especially right after she passed. Not so much anymore, but I think she's just having such a great time on the other side that she doesn't think to come by much anymore. And, even if you do not feel Jackson around you right now, you can take comfort in his having been such a wonderful part of your life, and in having loved him so well.   
Shiannon

Registered:
Posts: 76
 #10 
Thankyou for your reply. When you said that you felt like you were bleeding inside....that is what it feels like.  It actually hurts, and the pain is everywhere, even my ears are ringing.
I am so caught up in my grief at the moment, I can't even feel the wind on my face when I go outside, let alone my boy's presence around me. 

I got my beautiful boy's ashes delivered to me today. The lady from the pet cemetery brought him around for me. I have him with me now in a beautiful rosewood box with his picture and name in gold. The lady was a kind and caring person, which was comforting, as I cried all over again when I saw it. It's him, but it's only a part of him, and I can't bring him back. It's so final.

Like you, I want to take comfort in the fact that I gave my boy a wonderful life and in turn he gave me back tenfold. I want to believe that we will see each other again.

Take care, thankyou for your kindness.

Shiannon

dianae2002

Registered:
Posts: 317
 #11 

Dear Shiannon, I'm so sorry for your loss. When I read your message it reminded me how I felt when I hear the news that my little girl Jessie died. She was 8 years and very healthy and one day my mom just said that she was gone. I thought I would not be able to recover no more. I loved Jessie so much and it broke my heart to leave her with my parents when I moved to another courntry. I could not take her because she was used to warm weather and having such a short hair it would kill her to come with me. When she died I did not want to do anything, I could not work or eat, is like I was also dying. My husband helped me a lot and I found this wesite and I started to tell my story and I tried to give comfort to others in the same situation as me and little by little it got better. I have to say that after three months I still miss her like crazy and I cried often but that's something I would not be able to change. I also lost my cat Neko one month ago, so I'm now grieving two beloved fur-babies.
 
Diana, Jessie and Neko's mom.
dustysmom

Registered:
Posts: 16
 #12 
You are definitely not alone in feeing this way, and definitely normal for feeling like this.  I am also going through the same thing as you are going through right now, as I just lost my Shih Tzu boy yesterday.  I was forced to put him to sleep.  It's normal to grieve over the loss of our best friend, someone we loved so very much.

I heart goes out to you, and I hope in time, you feel find comfort and solace knowing that you shared many wonderful years together.
Lucifer

Registered:
Posts: 24
 #13 
Shiannon,
You're most welcome. I agree completely with Diana, that telling your stories and talking/writing about it helps so much. Getting Lucy ashes back was such a strange experience for us, as we had never been through this before and really didn't know what to expect or how we would feel. But it was actually a comfort to us, and while I once thought I would scatter her ashes in some beautiful place, I just don't think I will. She was most at home in our home, and so here she'll stay. Yes, I know what you mean, that in one way it's a comfort to have that to remember, and yet, it's not them--not Jackson, not Lucy. They are over on the Other Side romping around and playing--trouble is, we are here and can only wait until we see them again. I was wondering, do you have other pets? I ask because I know how much a comfort it's been to still have our Gwen with us.
Take care of yourself,
Holly    
Shiannon

Registered:
Posts: 76
 #14 
Dear Holly,

Thankyou for your post. In answer to your question, yes, we have another pet, another little furbaby...Jackson's son Dylan.  It IS a comfort to have him here with me, a living memory and a genetic reminder of my precious boy. I love them both so much, and we are both lost without Jackson.

Dylan is fretting at the moment, and I am trying to ease his pain as well as my own.  I am worried that something will happen to him, as Jackson has been his constant companion since he was born, and now he is 10 years old. I don't want to lose my other baby.

I think he can feel my pain, and has become very clingy to me. I spend more time with Dylan at the moment, and I talk to him constantly. I talk to Jackson as well at the same time, to ease my pain. I hope that this doesn't confuse Dylan, but I have to include him in my daily routine. He is physically lost to me, but not spiritually or mentally.

I think the only thing that keeps me going at the moment is my wonderful husband and Dylan.

Shiannon

Lucifer

Registered:
Posts: 24
 #15 

I know just what you mean. Gwen walked the house for weeks looking and calling for Lucy, and I know she just couldn't understand that she wasn't coming back, or wasn't just in another room. And I too have since become very nervous about Gwen, that something will happen to her. She is a special needs cat, and we worry about her anyway, but since we lost Lucy, who was always the healthy one, I worry much more about Gwen. She stuck to both my husband and I like glue for weeks. I remember the first night Lucy was gone, she sat between us and wouldn't budge, but wouldn't sit on either of our laps. I don't think she could choose.  And Gwen loved Lucy so much. She is a bit aggressive, but she had such a great relationship with Lucy (they were/are not actually related by blood). But, that was Lucy--she just made everyone love her, she was so sweet. Without my husband and Gwen, I would be lost.

Shiannon

Registered:
Posts: 76
 #16 
Hi Lucifer,

It's nerve wracking watching your remaining pet go through the same signs of grief that you are. I am grieving so much for Jackson, and Dylan knows it, and can't work out why his little mate isn't with him anymore.

He has become clingy and watchful. We cannot leave him alone in the house either or he just cries and howls. I know this because I had to go to the dr and he was howling before we made it out of the drive, and he was still at it when we got back home. It isn't doing his nerves any good and I worry that he will give himself a heart attack from stress. I have to return to work tomorrow, not that I am ready, because I know I will cry in front of my colleagues again. I am getting somebody to watch him while I am away, I am that concerned about him.

I loved both of my boys dearly, and they loved me and each other tremendously. Animals are as in tune with their emotions as we are and they know what's going on around them, I believe that. I pray for my beautiful Jackson every day, but I also pray for Dylan as well, as he adjusts to his new situation.

Shiannon

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