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KandC

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #1 
I lost my handsome boy 2 months ago. I had to make the decision for him.

If I don’t take sleeping medication, I spend the whole night crying. Everything triggers me.. Whenever I do leave my home I go straight to the car. I haven’t been able to take a walk outside because it’s triggering. I’ve broken down during classes, at work, while driving.

Of course, my life is empty without him. He brought so much happiness to me. I always said there was just so much love in such a little body. And he was very silly. I miss my boy. I miss his kisses. I miss him rubbing his head on my face so I would nibble on his neck. I miss our park days. I miss him curling up next to me no matter what I was doing. He was the best. And I’ll know I’ll forever miss him...

But then there’s the guilt. I was so determined not to be selfish and prolong his pain but I feel like I chose too soon. I feel like I gave up on him. I gave up on my baby, while he trusted me.

I don’t get it... I tried doing the best for him... he ate better than I did... home cooked meals and top grade kibbles... I just don’t get where I went wrong. I just don’t get why it had to happen this way.

I know i sounds petty. But it makes me so angry to see so many horrible people That are granted a long life with previous souls which they mistreat.
And I prioritized my baby .. his well being, his activities and happiness were the most important to me.

I just don’t think it’s fair. It’s not fair.
And I feel horrible and disgusting for making that decision for him.
lovemyboys

Registered:
Posts: 10
 #2 
I can tell that you were a loving, devote dog owner. I did the same...homemade food. No medical expense spared. I would have done ANYTHING. My dogs are my world. Our loss was very sudden and completely unexpected and there was an urgency to all of it. Because it happened in the middle of the night in an ER with doctors we didn't know, and because it was just so SUDDEN, I have questionned my decision as well...over, and over, and over. Then I force myself to look at things rationally. Our regular vet, who knows us very well, chimed in that night when I called her from the ER. She knows that I would have done anything and she still said there was nothing to be done. My brother is an MD. He heard what happened and said, nothing. At best, we could have attempted to buy some time, in a procedure that was so high risk he could have died during it. And it would not have changed the outcome. Still, I cannot shake the guilt, this awful feeling that we just gave him away....When all I wanted to do was keep him forever. I have replayed it all, imagining how things could have turned out differently, over and over and over and over,  and I can't stop, even though deep down I know....there was nothing. And that was why I was ultimately capable of doing what I did.

I am also very, very angry. It has been 3.5 weeks and I cry every day and I go in waves of despair, misery, and a lot of anger. I am angry at everyone. I am angry for their lack of perspective on my situation. People who say, "It was his time" even though he should have had years and years left to his life. People who said that he wasn't there anymore when I said I can't stop reliving the thought of leaving his little lifeless body in that room and walking away. I loved that little body! I loved everything about him! Some of these people are dog owners. They claim to love their dogs. I know they do, but they haven't gone through this yet. They think they understand but they don't. No one does.
KandC

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #3 
@lovemyboys that’s exactly what I am living with, questioning my actions everyday. And I feel as if I betrayed him.

My baby had elevated liver results a year prior and I we kept monitoring his levels, had an ultrasound, tried antibiotics and supplements. But he had no symptoms. Our next step was a liver biopsy, which I was so scared to do considering his body might not recover. On January 3rd he started having symptoms. We went to two specialists and 3 other veterinarians he had seen. Specialist gave me no hope. She literally said “anyone would’ve euthanized him by now, no money in the world will cure him”. His protein was low so biopsy was very risky. I spent 3 weeks spoon feeding him cause my boy had no appetite. I saw him deteriorate. There were days he wouldn’t want to be close to him cause he knew I would force him to eat or take his medication. I knew he was uncomfortable and was not himself anymore. The night before he spent in pain. And I cried and told him he could leave if he needed to. I scheduled a recheck the next day. The doctor I trusted and had gave me hope a week prior made it clear he was not responding to the meds... so I made the decision. I didn’t want to be selfish and bring him home to suffer more. I didn’t want to cause him more pain. But I regret it. I feel like a bad mom for not giving it at least another night. He would’ve been 10 this May. I was working so hard to finally buy a house with a yard for him. I wanted so much for us.

You’re right. No one understands until they have their baby in their hands and their soul exits their body. It’s the worst feeling I’ve ever felt. Complete regret and a disgusting feelings come over you.

I also get angry with what people say!!! They say generic responses. They say he is an angel now. And watching over me or he’s still around. We don’t know if that’s even possible!!! So no, that’s not comforting. I am not going to feel better pretending.


I’ve pushed family and friends away cause I just get so angry.

I just wish I could know that he knew I loved him so much. That I did what I thought was best. And that I am sorry.
lovemyboys

Registered:
Posts: 10
 #4 
@KandC

He knows. I know he knows. Just like I know that my boy knew. I was with him until the very end and even though there was nothing to do but hold him, I knew that strangely, in that moment, in that last hour or so we spent with him, he was almost, for lack of a better word, happy. Yes, he was suffering, but he knew that he was surrounded by his family who loved him so much. And I think of how much worse it could have been, if things had progressed, and I know that I did the selfless act...I put myself in emotional pain to spare him more physical pain. I think you did the same.

Funny, I thought of you reading your post, because it made me think of my living boy...my first boy...my boy who misses his "brother" so badly. He was the one I was always worried about! How is that for irony? He too has liver issues and is very, very silly, yet sweet. My boy who I lost was devoted and loving, my rock. Two very different personalities. But I knew from just reading your words how much you loved your boy. I completely understood, and I oddly connected the feelings with my living boy, probably because of your descriptions. I know my time is limited and I am so, scared. He is keeping me going right now.

Your pup knew how much you loved him. How could he not? You did so much for him, and if you did that much, then clearly you were showing him love that was always with him, on a daily basis, and right up until the end.  They might not understand the specifics, but if the intent is there, then the love is there, and I know your boy felt it and knew it. I could tell by reading your post.

I look back and I think of weird little things I noticed leading up to all of this and it probably never would have been diagnosed so early, but I think the cancer was growing in him for close to two months, or a bit more. I saw funny little changes that made me pause, but nothing worth contacting the vet about. Even though he had a full check up with blood work three days before he died, things still didn't surface! But I think of this and I know that he held on to the very end, because he loved being with me, because he KNEW he was happy and so, so loved. He had a reason to live until he just couldn't live any more. It was all just so shocking because for so long I have been worried about my other guy...and then out one day, my "healthy" boy just died.

Death is such a permanent thing, and that is the hardest part to wrap my own head around. It has been 3.5 weeks and I spent ALL. DAY. today crying. I am about to go to bed even though it isn't even 7pm and I know I will cry until I fall asleep. I also have to take sleeping pills (or drink wine), and even then, sometimes I have dreams that something is wrong with my sweet boy, and I am SO worried, and then I wake up thinking oh, thank goodness, that was just a dream! And then I remember....and it is so, so, so painful. I know my "friends" wouldn't understand this so I have stopped bothering. It is now clear to me they are just waiting for me to get over it and talk about other things. It adds pain on top of pain. I have a human child, but that boy WAS my child!

No one understands, and you are right that their responses feel canned and generic. I am finding more peace in not trying to reach out anymore or to get people I thought would understand to actually understand. Those who have failed me get a immediate one strike, you're out/block. I cannot continue to give my time to those who have failed me in my darkest hours. He doesn't deserve that. I feel I am able to better grieve him alone, in the way that he deserved and in the way he should be honored.

I want to believe that he is somewhere I will find him again. I think the hardest part is not knowing where is he is, and wishing I had more faith. I am a lapsed catholic, and I recently bought a figurine of an angel holding a small dog in her arms in a loving way, and that has brought me a bit of comfort. I want to believe I will be with him again. He was so sweet, and so loving. I depended on him. I never saw this coming. And now I feel so bad for depending on HIM when he was the one who needed me...my little boy. Oh, my heart...
KandC

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #5 
Its 3 am for me... can’t sleep again.. but hope you were able to get some rest 💕

I hope our boys are resting knowing their mamas loved them.

Give your silly boy so many hugs and kisses.

That’s one thing I am so grateful, the affection I gave him never lacked. Every morning he got love. Every night id whisper how much he meant to me. If anything I smothered him. And I’m so glad I did. My baby boy. Miss those quirks. Miss that luscious hair. And the warm smell under his arms and inner thighs... miss waking up to the painful thin tongue inside my nostril.

It’s such a surreal feeling. I too wake up from nightmares all drowsy and pat around my bed like I used to do so I could drag him next to me... and realize that he’s no longer here and it freaking breaks me all over again.

It is so hard not knowing where their souls are. If I rely on religion, it’s all about faith but at times like these I want certainty.

I’m so sorry about your friends and family have not been dependable. I get angry with mine because I don’t like what they say but it’s not mean things, it’s just they’re not sure what to say. For some, they haven’t lost someone, for others they don’t have connections with animals like we do. So I rather just not hear it. I rather hear “wow I don’t know what to say” than hear “how are you?” “He’s in a better place” “you have to be strong”. No I f****** don’t. My baby, my best friend, my partner, my study buddy, my protector and my therapist are all gone... and I don’t feel good about decisions I had to make. So no. I will not be okay for a long and i will not be strong.

Thank you for responding to me. I was skeptical about finding a place to communicate. But just relating to your doubts and anger makes me feel validated.

Also, for your baby’s liver: milk thistle is supposed to help
And there’s also this book with some recipes and information. Wish I would have found it earlier. I hope it helps your baby. Hope for Healing Liver Disease in Your Dog: The Complete Story ***


*** Link to commercial website deleted - EdW

lovemyboys

Registered:
Posts: 10
 #6 
Last night I had a dream that I found him...i was crossing the street and there he was. I was calling out frantically, and I was so relieved, and I kept trying to reach down and pick him but as much as I kept saying that it was him, in my heart I was realizing it wasn't him, and that i hadn't found him. When I woke up, I was very, very, very low. It won't be a good day.

Someone who actually had the right things to say to me(!) told me that some days I will feel better, and to take those days. To use them in a positive way. To allow myself to enjoy the relief from the pain. I have been trying to do that. When I have a day where I feel numb, or even a few hours where I am not feeling weepy, I try to allow myself to take advantage of it because I know that it could be the next day, hour, or even minute before all the misery starts again.

Thank you for the advice about the liver for my little guy. We do have that under control for now but sadly, it's been a lot of issues for him. He has an autoimmune disease as well going on 4 years now and then he also developed kidney disease. A year and a half ago he went into kidney failure. We managed to save him from it but he is medically managed every single day for all of the above. There were biopsies and surgeries, etc. To look at him you would never know he has so much going on. He is really quite hyper. He also has a heart murmur now. It's always been a lot to worry about, all his life. I feel so guilty when I think of the fact that I didn't worry about my boy who passed...because he was always SO healthy! Of course in that last week I was worried sick, because he was never sick and suddenly was I knew in my bones that this had to bad. But it also made me realize that stuff can just happen. You can worry all you want, but things can just happen that are out of our control. Accepting that this was out of my control is something that will take time. I'm still in the angry and bargaining stages of grief.

As for friends or people who do not understand, I am allowing myself the space I need. I won't be reaching out. I won't be taking calls or texts I don't think will life me up. I'd rather watch tv. Maybe in six months I will feel differently. But I don't think I will. Some people don't know what to say, I get that...but it's the ones who don't even bother who I will definitely never speak to again after this. I think my grief has made most people just uncomfortable. Well, sorry to inconvenience them!

I also miss my boys velvet soft hair. I actually cried the next day wondering if I could call the vet and have them cut some off for me, but my husband said it was too late, and he was probably right. But if I close my eyes, I can feel it. I can feel him. I have framed more photos of him. It makes me feel like he is still with me. And he is. He's always going to be a part of me.

Just a thought...but I wonder if you had a call with the vet, the vet might be able to walk you through things to better help you understand that you reached the right decision, so you can move past that guilt? Sometimes hearing things medically explained helps. These people have seen it all. They know where things are heading, and my guess is that they know how bad it will then get and want to spare that situation. I keep replaying a different outcome if we had done x,y,or z, but everyone just shakes their head. I am bargaining for a miracle. It wasn't going to end well, and it would have more pain for him for the same/worse outcome. As the parent, it is impossible not to think that we might have been the miracle case. But the doctors have the experience to know how this all really goes.

I know for us we were told if we didn't do it, that he would die on his own within 24 hours. When I think of the fact that I may have woken up the next morning to see that he was gone, I am grateful that I had the time to say goodbye, even though there was so little time to prepare for it.
Hector0506

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #7 
Dear KandC, I can feel your pain as my Hector was my baby, my beautiful baby boy, my everything in the world. I lost him in the most tragic way that kills me inside, so I know very well how it is to live with guilt and sorrow because of something that I couldn't change..
I believe that our precious fur babies (just like other important persons in our lives) come to us in order to teach us something that no one else could teach and what we must learn. Nothing in this world can stop your sorrow. It is hard and deep and I don't think it will ever vanish. But, you might allow yourself to grow more around it so that its percentage in your heart is smaller than 100% which I believe is now in you. If you allow yourself to have a different look into everything, you might see how many lessons your baby tought you! There were lessons like how to love above all possible limits, how to take care about a loved one that was ill, how to hope, how to be the best possible support to your loved one. And those were "easy" lessons... The hard ones are how to go on after losing your whole heart, how to forgive yourself for being just a human and not a God who could create mirracles, how to hope that there is something beautiful after this life and that the baby is waiting there for you, all happy and healthy and free of pain.
There is no comfort for a mother that loses loved child because we don't know if it is true and if our babies are really happy somewhere in heavens or they just vanished like dim light into nothing. No one can be sure what is true... We can't control what happens in this life and we can't control what happens after life. We are just humans and only time after our time will discover the truth to us. If there is nothing after death for our babies there wont be anything for us to. We will vanish too into nothing. But I dont think so as the history of the mankind shows too many unexplainable knowledge and too many signs and mirracles that cant be rationally explained. So, I believe that there is something beyond us that we will know when the time comes. And what counts for us, counts for our fur babies too as the cosmic law is the same for all beings. So, our job now, till our time comes, is to lesrn our lessons and to wait patiently. Maybe we will see them again. Maybe we will not. But just in case that it happens, let us do our best to make them proud of us. Let them smile and see how brave and loving their Mummies were. It is hard to be brave and they know it as they know how loved they were. Get your head up a bit and let your baby smile. Show him what it is to walk with bleeding heart...
My heart is with you and with all others here... I hope we will find strength in us and that the love we gave and received from them will be stronger than despair. My Hector never allowed me to be sad. Even when I made serious face for a second he would instantly panic and started to kiss me, jump on me, make silly noises until I smile again. So, I am trying to collect myself for him. Otherwise, he might get really worried if he by any chance can see me. And I want him to be happy and free of worries. So, I ll do my best to protect him, like I did all his life.. Mummy will be brave and he will be free to run and play with his friends until I come to him and kiss him again..
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