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Becky57

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Posts: 657
 #1 
The pain and sorrow is so much worse than it was three months ago when I lost my dog.  Those of you who know my story know that I was obsessed with finding out why my dog died.  She had been prescribed Bufferin for arthritis and though she bled to death, so many vets, pathologists, and toxicologists had conflicting information.  The vast majority did not believe the aspirin could have caused the kind of damage that was seen on the necropsy. My vet said it was autoimmune as did many others.  Well, it seems my vet was right, but in all the searching only two doctors, one a vet and the other a pathologist, told me that the trigger was aspirin.  Even the number one canine immunologist in the country did not seem aware this could happen because aspirin is an antiinflammatory.  After starting the aspirin her breathing probems got worse. She always had them, but this was a signal and when I took her to the vets, he and I both missed the connection.

Unlike most of the posters here, I could have my dog here today had I not been so stupid.  I am sorry to bring this up again, but I have no one to talk to about it.  Even the people on Justanswer will no longer talk to me.  I just don't know what to do.

To make it worse, I had even frontlined her in this time period, but I believe that did not do it.  I don't know how I can carry this the rest of my life.

Thank you for listening to this same old story.
Diana_C

Registered:
Posts: 73
 #2 
Dear Becky,

     I am not new to petloss but I am new to your story since I have not been on the site for quite some time. My baby passed away almost a year ago and to this day, it pains me in an indescribable way. Although, you must know what I am talking about.
     Before replying to you, let me tell you my story. My kitty was my princess. She always had me in control. She was a mean kitty with others but loved me in a way I cannot describe.
      One day, after combing her one morning, something I always did before she was let out for an hour or two in our gated house, the unimaginable occur ed. I never leave her out till dark since she is an indoor cat. I dont know what I was thinking. A small dog, collie, went inside our yard and killed her.
      I heard scuffling and ran out. The dog had her in his mouth. I ran inside and got my boyfriend and sister who ran to help her. One would think some sort of instinct would kick in and I would help, yet I did nothing. I froze up. I just crawled in a ball and began to sob uncontrollably. I dont know why I didnt do anything.
     Now, every time I walk around my house I think, "why did I just stand there? why didnt I grave  x   and throw it?! maybe she would still be alive?"
      Everyday I think about that. I hate myself because I let her out. I didnt think about bringing her inside. I should have checked the gates. I should have done more than have a panic attack. I hate myself. I wasnt even there when she passed away. I ran to the scene 2 times. Both times she was still alive. I remember her looking up at me from the ground. I should have been with her, yet I was not.
     To this day, you are the only person who knows what I was doing inside the house. I know that my boyfriend and my sister both wonder why I didnt help, yet they know not to ask.
   Like you, I blame myself. The consolation to that is to tell yourself that things happen for a reason. You can only be a great, loving parent up to an extent. We all wish horrible things wouldnt happen. If anything, we were trying to do the right thing when things went wrong: I let her out thinking she would enjoy the fresh air and you were helping your furbaby fight a medical condition. I know that there really isnt anything I can say, or even you to yourself for that matter, to make you feel better. Its been almost a year and it pains me every moment.
    Ive asked for forgiveness so many times, everyday. I may be a few feet closer to feeling better. But in reality, only knowing that they are alright will help.
     I am sorry if maybe this reply makes you feel more lost than anything since I really didnt help ease your pain. However, maybe knowing that there is someone out there who feels the same way you do, and is also lost and confused helps, then so be it. We can be lost and confused together. Just remember, I too feel like I cant talk about it with my friends and family, they might say "you're still on that?!" but I understand. In me, you can always find a reply.


Iris' forever mom
Diana

Diana_C

Registered:
Posts: 73
 #3 
This song is by Reba McEntire. It's called "The only promise that remains" Listening to it sometimes helps me remember what is important here. Hope it does the same for you.

When the ground beneath you starts a-shakin'
And you forget the place we came from
When you're lost and lookin' for you're way home
You're way home to me
I'll come out and find you
When the world around you starts a-movin'
And you should wonder if I still love you
If you feel the darkness comin', risin' inside
I'll make a light to guide you back home

And after all the sky is fallin' down
And after all the water's washed away
My love's the only promise that remains

When your doubts have got you thinkin'
Nothing's ever really sacred
And you're afraid you might believe in...
Believe in me

And I'll give you a reason
Cuz the world around us keeps on movin'
And there's no doubt that I still love you
So when you feel the darkness comin', risin' inside
I'll make a light to guide you back home

And after all the sky is fallin' down
And after all the water's washed away
My love's the only promise that remains
My love's the only promise that remains
My love's the only promise that remains

And after all the sky is fallin' down
(After all the sky is fallin' down)
And after all the water's washed away
(After all the water's washed away)
My love's the only promise that remains

Nelson

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #4 
I only found this forum this morning, after looking for somewhere to put my feelings into words, following the loss of my dog yesterday afternoon.

Your story is therefore completely knew to me, so there is no fear of going over old ground.  My pain is very raw, for he has only been gone 24 hours, but the one thing I keep repeating to myself to ease the grief is that I did everything I could have done, based upon what I knew and what I had been told.  I believe this is really all you can do.  You take yout pet to a vet, as they are the knowledgeable, experienced people equipped to deal with your problem.  You can only do as you are advised to do, and I'm sure that the treatment you gave was based upon the advise and experience of your vet, and your own feelings at the time.

To beat yourself up over a "what if" situation is not fair to yourself.  You loved your dog dearly, and you did what you believed (and had been advised) was the best course of action to treat her.

Finding this forum, and being able to put my feelings down, has been so important to me.  Bottling emotions up and restraining them is not healthy, so tell your story here as many times as you wish as I, for one, will never grow tired of hearing how you feel.  It is an unusual form of companionship that I have felt here, but one that I'm sure will help me through the darkest times of my life.

bugsdogs

Registered:
Posts: 1,288
 #5 
Becky,

I think you know that I feel as you do. The pain just keeps getting worse. I wish there was something I could tell you to help with this pain but I really don't think there are any great words of wisdom... Each one of us have to work through this on our own, with the help of friends hopefully and this site always.

I have been trying so hard to heal from this double loss but I just cannot seem to do that. They were my kids and they are such a part of me that I cannot do anything without them being on my mind...and in my heart.

We are always here to talk to, never worry about bringing up a subject that is troubling you. 

All my best,
Helen
sweetpepe

Registered:
Posts: 143
 #6 
Dear Becky. 

You loved your dog so very much.  You did your best.  

I wish there was more I could say to help ease your mind and heal your heart.  But know that you can always come here.  You will find friendship and understanding.

Sending many hugs your way.  And I am so sorry for your loss.
Gypsymagic

Registered:
Posts: 219
 #7 
Becky,

I bought myself a bracelet. It's associated with AA but it helps me sometimes to remember: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."  I've never had a problem with substance abuse, but I sure have a problem with accepting this loss of my daughter.  It helps to touch it and read it sometimes--who cares what people think?

I also cannot change the fact that I have cancer--but I've tried to live each day to the fullest until this last blow, Layla dying, knocked me to my knees and I haven't been able to get up. I cannot change the fact that she is gone from my life for now, but I there is a song by Beth Nielsen Chapman called Sand and Water that helps me get by:  ( Her husband died, leaving her with his son)


"All alone, I didn't like the feeling
All alone I sat and cried
All alone I had to find some meaning
In the center of the pain I felt inside.

All alone I came into this world
All alone I will someday die
Solid stone is just sand and water, baby
Sand and water, and a million years gone by.

I will see you in the light of a thousand suns
I will hear you in the sound of the waves
I will know you when I come, as we all will come
Through the doors beyond the grave.

All alone I heal this heart of sorrow
All alone I raise this child
Flesh and bone, he's just
Bursting toward tomorrow
And his laughter fills my world and wears your smile.

I will see you in the light of a thousand suns
I will hear you in the sound of the waves
I will know you when I come, as we all will come
Through the doors beyond the grave

All alone I came into this world
All alone I will someday die
Solid stone is just sand and water, baby
Sand and water and a million years gone by."


Try going to youtube and watching a video of Alison Krauss and Gillian Welch singing the good old gospel song, "I'll Fly Away."  It lifts my heart; maybe it will ease yours.
Becky57

Registered:
Posts: 657
 #8 

Thank you, everyone.  I know we can't take away the anguish from eachother,but in some tiny way, it helps to know that others understand.  Diana and Gypsy...these are two of my favaorite songs.  Sand and Water came out about the time of my mom's death.  It is a song that gives me what little hope I have.  The Only Promise is a song that I could never listen to much even before my dog died.  For some reason, it brings me to my knees with sadness.  Maybe because it is so beautiful.  There are so many stories on here..so many burdens people carry.  Thank you for sharing and being so kind.

RobynMissesSaxon

Registered:
Posts: 148
 #9 
I don't know who here believes in God but I do and I think he takes them when he wants them and I also believe that I will see all of my human and animal friends again one day. I haven't been to church for years but I think I'm going to start going again. I feel like God is trying to tell me something.
Bunyhugger

Registered:
Posts: 143
 #10 
It's been 5 months since my bunny, Audie, died. The necrospy showed only a slightly enlarged heart. The vet couldn't really say why his heart became enlarged and even yet, why it would have ended his young life.
I blame myself for being ignorant of any signs that Audie was not in perfect health. The signs were hard to see because my bun acted like he was happy and fine. Looking back (hindsight is always 20/20), I now know that I foolishly ignored what should have been obvious signs--he was breathing rapidly and he would tire easily. But he played so hard that I thought this was normal. I'm sure he forgives me.
I am still heartbroken and grieving. I think about him constantly and find myself wishing my life here would hurry up and be over so I can see him and my other furbabies again. I miss him so much, it really hurts. And it seems silly to feel this way, especially since I have children and a husband to care for, although the kids are just about adults now. Audie's sister bun is a constant reminder that he's not here and she seems lonely. I, too, can't really talk about him to others because they think I'm nuts to be grieving so long.
I think because Audie was snatched from me so quick that I feel this intense about his passing. I didn't get to say goodbye and have time to absorb what was going on.  
As far as your grief over your precious dog, understand that you loved her very much. She knows that you did what you could to make her life comfortable. She was loved and cared for. You are her family. You need to get past the guilt. You did what you could have and should have done. Medicine is still a science and science is all about discovery. There may have been some other issue with your dog that no one knows about. My vet is still perplexed at why Audie died with his condition, it was only slightly enlarged.
We will have the answers some day soon when we see our furbabies again. Until then, they rest and wait, filled with the love we have for them. We need to find peace so they can be at peace, too.
Sorry for rambling on so much. I hope you can find peace. I am going through the same emotions.
Bunnyhugger  
Gypsymagic

Registered:
Posts: 219
 #11 
Becky,

There is always a risk with anti-inflammatories. You had a dog in pain, and you took the best advice of the docs. Your dog happened to be one that had what sounds like an asthma-like reaction to aspirin but it could have been to any one of the other anti-inflammatories, too. We gave Layla heart meds--from cardiology vets that people travel across states to see--and they harmed her kidneys. We knew it could happen, but you never think it will happen to you or yours. I think--what if we had hadn't taken her to the cardiologists--would she have lasted a little longer? There's no way of knowing the answer to that. Maybe she lasted a little longer because we did. Second guessing doesn't help you heal. You did the best you could with what information you were given. That's all we can ask of ourselves. You are in no way to blame for this loss. You know, I've never been afraid of flying or trying all sorts of things because I believe in my heart that we all go when we are supposed to go and not before. There is a time when we will die--we don't know when or from what, but no one escapes dying. It always hurts those who love who are left behind. I am miserably lonely for my girl--which is why I'm up again at 4:16 writing here. I can't sleep.  I don't know when or if it gets better, but I have to try to go on with my life--to keep that love close to my heart but find a way not to waste the time that I've been given on this earth. So far I'm not doing so well--it's just too hard since I lost her--but I will, eventually. I won't stop hurting but I will find a way to live with the pain. I have to. She gave me so much love for 13 1/2 years and I would never want to go back and miss out on that in order to skip this pain. It's the price I pay for having my diva, my princess, my beautiful loving girl in my life. I would never have been ready to give her up. Never in a million years. But I will take her with me, wherever I go, as I always have in my heart and my memories. She will be by my side in spirit whether I'm in Barcelona or sipping coffee at the outside tables at Starbucks. Her "uhuhuh" as she tried to order her favorite chicken nuggets at Wendy's when I drove through will always be there in my mind--she got them, too. I loved her with all of my heart and soul and I always will. I just have to learn to carry her spirit now--and I'm going to put that silver locket with a few of her ashes around my neck and keep her close to my skin just as soon as it arrives. Having her in the house just isn't close enough. I need her with me all the time.
Becky57

Registered:
Posts: 657
 #12 
Gypsey, I t appears that is what happened.  She had aspirin three weeks before and the pathol. said that sensitized her so the next time the reaction wuld be bad.  When I took her in, the vet and I did not put it together. He said to continue to use aspirin as needed.  It is a horrible, horrible story and as it becomes more clear to me, I am more and more devastated.

Bunyhugger, I too wish my life would hurry up.
Thanks again for listening.

THanks Robyn, Sweetpepe and Nelson, also.
Gypsymagic

Registered:
Posts: 219
 #13 
Becky,

Your girl would not want "Your life to hurry up." She knows that you will be together again someday, and time is different there at the Rainbow Bridge. Do you recall the line from the old hymn, Amazing Grace: "When we've been there 10 thousand years, bright shining as the sun, we've no less days to sing God's praise, than when we first begun." Time is relative. Your sweetling does not blame you for what you could not and did not know. She will want you to tell her all about your life's adventures from the time she had to leave. She'll want to know about old friends and new. Her time came--and it's very very sad. I miss my child so much. But I know she will smiling down on me and greet me with the same happy dance that she always did when we see each other again someday. She fussed and barked and whined and danced until I gave her the appropriate amount of attention for a greeting--whether I had been gone half an hour or a week--so it's going to be a happy reunion one day when it's my time. Time will come as it will--you don't know what is ahead.  You have things left to do here. As hard as it is to go on, there are days ahead of you with things to learn and life to experience before you join her. There may be another love in your future that you are meant to nurture and you will know it  if that time comes and your heart is open.

I'll tell you a story. We had a stray we named Jenni who showed up half-starved and terrified, slipping into our basement where the door had been left open one day. I fed her and after awhile I could pet her but she was always skittish, but loving and settled into a long life with us. She did have one bad habit--she could climb any fence. Once she disappeared for a week, and we thought she had gotten killed. We couldn't find her anywhere we looked. Then she reappeared (a spayed female mind you) with TWO dogs that she had found for us: one male, one female. Naturally, the female was pregnant when we took her to get her spayed. We named the big male Zeke and the female Chelsea. Maybe a month later Jenni was killed by a car during one of her escapes---maybe she knew her time was almost up and she wanted Lacy to have companions. I don't know why, but I will always believe she brought those dogs to us and we gave them a forever home since we couldn't find the owners. Your baby may decide that you eventually need another companion--don't hurry but if you see a famliar pair of eyes or tail wag look closer. She may have come back to you--or found you someone she thinks you need to care for.  No dog will ever take her place--they're all different and you don't love any two the same, but you do love them. Special babies like Layla are rare--we may never find another two girls like ours--but there's a chance your baby will do her best to help you find the right one to ease some of the hurt when the time comes that you can handle it. Don't let yourself miss out on anything--signs are subtle, unless your dog literally invites two more home with her before she goes! 
MrMeowgy

Registered:
Posts: 763
 #14 
Becky, I have been following your posts and I know you are hurting so very much. I also know time doesn't necessarily ease the pain and in fact it can get worse.  However, Libbie would not want you to go on blaming yourself. You were trying to help her, you love her so. She knows this. Your baby would want you to remember her with joy and smiles.
I just want you to know I am thinking of you.
Donna, Mr. Meowgy's mom
Georgeann

Registered:
Posts: 2,245
 #15 
Dear Becky:
I too have been following your posts.  I know the horrible pain that you are in and I understand.  I know that your Precious Angel Loves you and misses you too.  What happened is not your fault.  We all do the best we can with the information we have.  If animals could talk it would be so much easier to diagnose them and treat them.  But since they do not we must do the best we can and that is what you did.  I wish I could ease your pain, but as you know that is impossible.  I just wanted you to know that you and Libbie and in my Prayers.
Big Hugs
Georgeann and Christopher
Forever
lisapo

Registered:
Posts: 43
 #16 

becky, last night i started reading the posts and i think it made me feel worse but i came back this morning and i read your posts and you sound so similar to me.  your first post when you wrote "i can't do this"  is what i have been saying since i lost my little scrappy.  he died on july 2, 2008 and that was the worst day of my life.  i cried nonstop for days and didn't know what to do.  i still cry all the time but work takes my mind off it for a little while.  i have so much guilt that i can't concentrate on anything.  i keep saying if i would have only taken him back to the vet he still would be here with me, even if only for a day.  i would give anything for just one more day with my little baby.  tomorrow will only be 2 weeks but everyone keeps telling me i have to get on with my life and that i have to see someone (psyciatrist).  after reading posts at this site i realize i am not the only one going through this as bad as me.  how can they say that?  my roommate went to an animal shelter a week after scrappy died and got another dog.  my roommate loved scrappy more than anything like me but it seems like he just "moved on" and he is being insensitive to my grief.  i feel like i have no one to talk to, they all think i am crazy.  he was the best little boy in the whole world, never did anything wrong.  the guilt is killing me though, not only that i could have saved him but that i didn't spend enough time with him, etc.--i don't know what to do, and, "i can't do this"

Aislingsfriend

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #17 
Becky, I feel your pain and would love to talk to you via email. Please do not hesitate to contact me.

My address is stephaniearmstr@yahoo.com
Becky57

Registered:
Posts: 657
 #18 
Lisapo, I am so very sorry for your loss.  It is simply the worst thing I have ever had happen to me.  The loss of family members I loved more than anything in the world did not hit me as hard as this.  Of course, although I had guilt about them --always something more you coud have done, nothing compares with this guilt I have.  I was also told to see a psychiatrist. I haven't yet, but that doesn't mean I won't.  I think you have to have someone to talk to whether it is on here or at home or a grief counselor or group.  I can tell you that after three weeks I was completely out of my mind.  I canceled all my job assignments because I am a sub. teacher and working with kids was absolutely not an option.

I went out today for the first time in nearly four months to a shopping center.  I had forgotten that when I first got my dog I went to Lowe's to look at pens and fencing.  My friend wanted to go there and it was like I was back there 7 years ago.  I would give anything in this world to go back again and start all over.  I am crying now as I write this.

She is simply everywhere, and I still don't know what to do.  I felt sorry for the dog on this forum, and now I will take in a 12 year old beagle and didn't want another dog because I know it will be gut wrenching.  But I didn't want it to be put to sleep because it was old.  The dog can't help being old.  I will try to give her a good place to live out her days, and it will probably be the second hardest thing I will ever go through.

There are lots of good people on here.  Just come back, I think that will be the best thing.  I am just so sorry we all havae to be here.
WooWooWoo

Registered:
Posts: 5,100
 #19 
Oh my God, Becky.  I am crying as I write this.  Are you taking in that precious little elderly Beagle that was mentioned on this site?  The one that was thrown away after she was bred over and over?

You are an angel.  And, you can bet your Libbie had a paw in this.

God bless you.

Melissa


MrMeowgy

Registered:
Posts: 763
 #20 
Becky, you are a true angel and your Libbie must be so proud of you! You are honoring your baby's memory by helping this little creature in need. I know you will give her the best home possible and darling Libbie will help you take care of her.
Best wishes, Donna, Mr. Meowgy's mom
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