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goofygirlinva

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Posts: 1,198
 #1 

It's been 2 months since my beloved Blackie left me and passed away to the RB.  It is raining today and it seems fitting that the weather is as grey and miserable as I feel.  In a way it only seems like yesterday that he left me and left me with a big hole in my heart, yet it also seems like a lifetime ago since that happened. 

I will never forget the day before he died.  The sun was shining, the skies were clear, the weather was just gorgeous all day long.  When I got home from work the first thing I did was take Blackie outside for a walk on his leash.  He seemed to enjoy being outdoors and having the chance to smell the fresh air and take in some sunshine, yet he also seemed to not enjoy it because he was not able to move around and explore the way he usuall did.  That was when I first realized he was having mobility problems, so I picked him up and carried him around my townhouse complex in my arms so he could enjoy the sunshine and fresh air without having to worry about whether or not he could walk as easily as he used to.

When we came back inside from our walk he refused to climb the stairs up to the main living area, so I picked him up and carried him in my arms up the stairs and helped him settle down in the cat tree.  I had to make a few phone calls so I got out my cell phone and started talking on the phone.  Blackie always loved to hear me talk on my cell phone and this day was no exception.  He started purring and he purred so loud that I could hear him over the sound of the TV.  For him, that was unusual because he was always a quiet purrer, and the only other day I really remembered hearing him purr was the day I brought him home with me from the Humane Society.  And he kept purring on his last day alive for at least 10-15 minutes after I finished my last phone call, so for me it was a very special treat to hear him purr out loud and know he was content and happy.

I really wish I had been able to get to the emergency vet sooner than I did the morning he died, but I got lost on my way there so I probably wasted at least 5 minutes trying to find the place.  Blackie died about 1 or 2 minutes before I finally found the emergency vet, and I know I heard him take his last breath as I was frantically trying to figure out where the hell I need to go to get to the vet.  He was restless in his carrier and I heard him pacing around inside it, and then I heard him let out one big sigh and after that he was silent.  I think that sigh was his final exhale, and sadly that will be the last memory I will have of my baby alive. 

Oh Blackie, you were such the perfect companion.  I always said if you were human I would have married you without giving it a second thought.  You were so gentle and so kind and so loving.  You taught me so much about giving and receiving unconditional love.  When you came into my life you turned my world upside down.  I was no longer so self-centered but focused so much of my time, thoughts and love on you and I didn't even think twice about doing that, it was just a natural reaction to the complete and unconditional love and devotion you showed me from day one.  It really hurt when I had to go out of town for work, not because I hated traveling but because I hated being away from you.  For me, every time I had to go out of town I counted the days and sometimes the hours when I would be able to get back on the plane to come back home to you.  My whole life revolved around you and making sure you were happy and healthy.  I hope you know how much I loved and cherished you and how much I really tried to help keep you healthy.  I hope you know that you were the love of my life and that nobody will ever take your place in my heart.

Blackie, I really miss you.  I haven't noticed any signs from you since you've died.  Sometimes I can be pretty dense and don't notice things right away, so perhaps you have sent me some kind of sign that you're looking over me.  But if you would, I wish you sould send me another sign to let me know you are happy and that you are looking over me, one that is so obvious that I can't miss it.

Blackie, I want to thank you for finding your way into my life.  You brought so much joy and sunshine into my life and now that you are gone it seems as though my heart has a big hole in it and it no longer holds the natural joy it used to when you were alive.  I don't think my heart will ever know the joy it did when you were with me, and it is hard to just keep going each week without you in my life.  I do my best to get through the days, but it is hard, harder than anything I've ever had to endure in my life. 

Precious, we weren't together that long - only 2 years, 8 months and 2 days - but I will never, ever forget the time we had together.  As the seasons change from the spring to the summer, I am reminded that if you were still alive this would have been the 3rd full summer we would have spent together.  You came into my life towards the end of the summer in 2005.  We spent the summer of 2006 moving halfway across the country to your final home, and we spent so much of last summer apart because I had to travel so darned much for work.  So I was really looking forward to being able to spend this summer together just relaxing and hanging out with each other with no travel and no plans to move into another house.  This would have been the first summer we would have spent together without any upheaval in our lives, and I was so looking forward to having a peaceful summer together.  But unfortunately God had other plans for you, and because of that this summer will be so very difficult for me, especially the month of July because July was the month you came into my life and changed it forever.

Blackie, I want you to know you will never be forgotten.  I remember all the pets I've had in my life, but you will always hold a special place in my life and in my heart.  You taught me so much, you gave me so much and in your passing you ultimately gave me all you had even to your very last breath.  I will never forget you and I will always love you.  I hope you know that.

Rest in peace my beloved Blackie.  Until we meet again,

Kelly
Your forever mommy
XXOO



robynbythec

Registered:
Posts: 1,093
 #2 
Kelly,

This is such a beautiful remembrance of your dear Blackie.  Thank you so much for sharing with us. 

I'm so sorry for this hurt and the pain of loss.  It's almost unbearable, I know, yet somehow each of us has muddled through.  It's been 15 months since I lost Molly, and I am still here.  I can "function" fairly normally now, but I still miss and love Molly girl with all of my heart.  Like Blackie, my girl will never be forgotten.  And, what a beautiful tribute that is to what they've given us, too.

Big hugs to you.  I'm so sorry for your loss, Kelly.

HyzenthlayMollyWolf
Robyn
http://www.mollybooboo.critters.com
http://www.petsupports.com/robyn.htm


katebock

Registered:
Posts: 686
 #3 
Kelly

What a wonderful tribute to your beloved Blackie.  I can tell he was a very special boy.  He will always have a special place in your heart, just as my Gus will always have a special place in mine.  We will always miss them, but I try to be thankful that I had him in my life, even if only for a short time. 

Thinking of you on this "anniversary"
Kate (Gus' mom)

mykittygirl

Registered:
Posts: 881
 #4 
Dear Kelly,

That is one of the most beautiful tributes I've read. Your Blackie has a very very special furmom.

I believe these fabulous spirits covered in fur are angels on earth for us and are here to teach. You said that you learned so much from him..that he taught you how to give and receive unconditional love. That's a HUGE statemnt.

It's true for me as well...I am a better person for having known my Cicio and learned how to love and give of myself.

I had to laugh when you said that if Blackie were a person you would marry him. I can see the truth in that statement.

Losing him is so hard...I know..I feel the same..but underlying that is the pure joy of having shared life with him.

May hugs to you,

Donna
Loudpurring

Registered:
Posts: 774
 #5 

I am so sorry you miss your Blackie so much. It hurts I know. The picture of him is so beautiful. What a very handsom cat. I wish you well.

dianae2002

Registered:
Posts: 317
 #6 

Dear Kelly, what a wonderful tribute to your Blackie. It's so painful to think of the future without our fur-babies... I did not knew that Blackie was so young when he died. Almost the same age as my sweet Neko. He was only three but he brought so much light to our home. Now it feels so empty...  I hope those wonderful memories you have with Blackie will help you through these difficult times...

Happy 2 Month Bridge Day dear Blackie.... your mommy loves you and miss you... let her know that you are happy on the Rainbow Bridge.
 
Diana Jessie and Neko's mom.
Nancee

Registered:
Posts: 1,328
 #7 

Kelly--sorry about your sweet Blackie. I hope you get some signs from him soon. Take care.

MrMeowgy

Registered:
Posts: 763
 #8 
Kelly I am so sorry for the loss of your darling Blackie. He is just beautiful and the picture of him at the Bridge is lovely. It looks like he is waiting to welcome all the new-comers. I know the lonliness you are feeling. I miss my darling Mr. Meowgy more and more everyday. I really believe our darlings try to visit us and can if the circustances are just right. Mr. M came to me and several other family members in dreams in the same night. I know I heard his distinct little howl once and  my son's girlfriend swears he came and spent the night with her when she was in the hospital. The visits can be very quick. Please keep your eyes and ears open. I do think he will come to you as soon as he can. I wish you peace and comfort. Donna, Mr. Meowgy's mom
Happy 2 month Bridge Day dear Blackie!
goofygirlinva

Registered:
Posts: 1,198
 #9 
Thank you everybody for your replies, I appreciate the words of comfort, they really help me get through these difficult milestones...

Robyn, I cannot imagine being withiout Blackie for 15 months, 2 months is too long for me, so thank you so much for coming to this site and helping others through their grief so long after you lost your precious Molly.  I am to the point where, like you, I can "function" normally, but I also find that for some reason I don't want to function normally, I still want to cry and yell at the world that everything is not normal because Blackie is gone and nothing will ever be the same again.  In a way time is a blessing because it  helps us "heal" but time is also cruel because it means the rest of the world keeps going and does not stop to honor or remember such significant milestones in our lives.  I guess it is even more important that those who remember make a point of setting aside time to honor and pay tribute to those who are no longer with us, which is one of the main reasons I keep coming here and posting about Blackie...

Kate, thank you for saying my tribute to Blackie was beautiful.  When I sat down to write it I had no idea what I would say, I just wrote from the heart.  I am glad you enjoyed reading it.  You are so right, he was a very special boy and he will always have a very special place in my heart.  I really miss him and as time passes I am even more grateful that I had him in my life, despite the fact that it was only for a very short amount of time...

Donna (mykittygirl), I agree that Blackie was an angel sent from above.  Before Blackie came along, I really hadn't thought about bringing a pet into my life.  The last pet I grew up with died over 10 years ago and I'd led a life that was very busy and wasn't exactly right for having a pet to take care of.  But circumstances just fell into place and before I knew it, I had commited to bringing Blackie home with me without even giving it a second thought.  So I truly believe he was sent from above.  I really belive we were brought together because otherwise Blackie would not have survived (he was a stray) and also because God knew I needed a companion that would open my heart again and would help me through some difficult times in the years to come. Like you, I can say without question I am a better person for having known Blackie. 

Loudpurring, thank you for your reply.  Yes, Blackie was a gorgeous cat.  He had such a soft and beautiful black coat, and his face was just beautiful.  He wasn't always that way, though.  When I first brought him home, he was so incredibly dehydrated from being a stray during some of the hottest weather we'd had around here in years.  Whenever I brushed or even petted him during his first few weeks with me, clumps of fur would come off because his coat was in such bad shape.  And his coat had so many mats - big ones that I got rid of through brushing and tiny ones that he would get rid of every day through his grooming routine.  He was also painfully underweight when I first brought him home with me - he was so light that you could practically pick him up with almost no effort and you could easily feel his ribs and his spinal column when you petted him.  He never really put on enough weight, but gradually his coat changed into the shiny and lustrous one that you see in his picture.  My other cats have gorgeous and soft coats too, but nothing compared to how soft Blackie's was.  I really miss petting him and feeling the softness of his coat...

Diana, thank you so much for your kind reply.  Blackie was not young, he was a senior kitty - at least 14 or 15 years old when he passed away.  He was a stray when I got him, so his age is a best guess, but I am glad that he was able to spend the last 2 years and 8 months of his life with me.  Like your Neko, Blackie spent a short amount of time with me but he brought so much light to my life.  Like you, my life feels so empty without Blackie by my side.  I do have many wonderful memories of Blackie, but I still am not able to reflect back on them without sadness and, on some occasions, tears.  I am hoping that with time I will be able to think of Blackie and smile and maybe even laugh instead of cry.

Nancee, I hope I get some signs from Blackie soon, signs that I recognize.  I think he probably has sent signs but sometimes I can be a little blind and don't recognize them.  I know when Nitelite, one of the cats I grew up with, died, he died when I was away at college so I didn't know about his death until I came home for the holidays a few months later.  But he came to me in my dreams for three straight nights to let me know he was gone and to say his final goodbyes to me.  I was kind of hoping Blackie would do the same just so we could say our goodbyes to each other one more time.  Who knows, perhaps that has already happened and I just can't remember it, but I sure would love to have a sign from him again to know he is well and that he is looking over me and my cats.

Donna (MrMeowgy), thank you for your lovely reply.  I really love his Bridge picture.  I hadn't thought of it before but you are right, it does look as though he is waiting to welcome all the newcomers!  I am trying to keep my eyes and ears open for signs of Blackie visiting us.  Sometimes I can get so busy with doing things that it is hard to slow down and really take in everything that is around me.  And sometimes I make myself busy on purpose, sort of as a defense mechanism against having to stop and face the harsh reality that Blackie is no longer with me.  But I am gradually starting to slow down when I am at home and I am starting to take the time to stop and reflect and just sit and be still, something that was easy to do when Blackie was alive but has been very difficult to do ever since he died.  Who knows, maybe I'll soon get to the point where I am once again comfortable with silence, and maybe when that happens I'll be in the right frame of mind to recongize any visits Blackie may pay us.  That would be such a wonderful gift and I know I would welcome it with open arms...

Thank you again everybody for your posts, they are full of such wonderful wisdom and compassion and love.  They are a true source of comfort in a time of sadness...

Kelly
Blackie's mommy


rupertsmum

Registered:
Posts: 820
 #10 
So sorry for your loss.  The picture of Blackie is gorgeous, Looks just like my Rupert.  He was black too and had a shiny coat.  He was 15 and died of kidney failure 18 weeks ago. He was my best friend and companion.  He didn't care if I was having a bad day or I put on weight.  He loved me for who I was and that is another reason I loved him.

The world keeps going on like nothing has happened but we are still grieving for our beloved fur pets.  I will always miss Rupert as you will miss your Blackie.  How do you make these pictures on these pages.  I would like to do a tribute one for Rupert but don't know how.

Thoughts are with you Ruperts Mum
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