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nikeajax

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Posts: 3
 #1 
Hello.
I've got a problem that's lately grown so deep that it affects my life in almost all the worst of ways. (I warn you beforehand that this is going to be a long post, and I apologise if it's a major problem.) A more than a month ago I lost my beloved Djungarian hamster Simon, whom I had for two years and had really deep affection towards. I always knew that hamsters are in general pets who have a short lifespan, I just didn't expect his passing to come in the time which it did and as suddenly as it did. He was really active til the very end, and we didn't notice he was gone until we noticed that he wasn't leaving his hamster house anymore.

I don't have much of a good relationship with my peers and many things in my life are going south right now, so I feel that Simon was the only one besides my parents who I could hold onto in the difficult times. He was really friendly. He would lick and nibble my fingers whenever I put them close to his cage and when I set my hand inside, he would crawl onto my palm whenever he wanted to cuddle or play. He sometimes even held my finger between his tiny paws almost as if wanting to give it a handshake, which was just really sweet for me to see. I know that many pet owners consider their pets more "human-like" than any actual human will ever be, but Simon really did feel like a small person rather than a hamster to me.

And that's one of many reasons why I still can't get over his passing.
I've already tried almost everything, searched every site for solutions, stayed home a few days, watched some distracting videos, drew a picture in his memory, talked about him with my parents, visited a support chat, talked to my only friend at the time about it but I still can't stop crying about him at least a few hours every day with mixed feelings of anger, guilt, sadness and other emotions storming inside of me. I know that grief is a process that doesn't have a set time limit, but I feel like I should be feeling better right now. In fact after the first week of his absence passed, it felt like I was getting better, but then after a while, feelings of sorrow for him resurfaced and I just can't stop thinking about my sweet little Simon and crying. I just don't want to believe that I'll never see my beloved hammy boy ever again.

I am afraid to keep talking to my parents about it, because they get really angry when they see me cry about him, because they don't know how to help me either. It's not that they don't understand me. They do, or at I think they do, because they loved him as much as I did. They're just getting frustrated that I still can't get over it and that they can't help me move on with it. They seemed to be a little more sensitive towards me about this lately though, so that's a plus I hope.

I found that the pain affected me so deep that I can't even fall asleep properly. Even when I try to, my heart keeps beating in my chest like a jackhammer. In fact I've thougt I might be about to have cardiac arrest once this happened, because it once got so bad that I felt as if something was piercing my heart. My thoughts keep racing My mind keeps replaying songs in my head that remind me of how much I miss him. It's like I don't want to wake up into another day knowing I will be without him.
I miss him so much. I already had it bad when he was gone, but now I feel that my entire world has shattered into pieces ever since he left.

I can barely think about anything else. I used to draw a lot, but now even if I try to redirect my focus onto something else, my mind will just stay locked onto him and the activity will feel like pain, no matter what I'm doing right now. I feel that I can't even go to school anymore. My peers there are really insensitive towards me in general, and I just feel so vulnerable knowing that Simon won't be waiting for me at home to comfort me. People suggested I visit a school counsellor, but I don't know how to communicate this properly to anyone. I feel that they would call me crazy for getting so upset over a hamster. If someone asks me why am I crying, I say I had a "Death in family" because I don't know how to tell them that the absence of a pet who had such an importance to me has affected my life so drastically.

I also can't stop but feel as if I didn't appreciate him enough when he was still around. When I was really upset, my mom would sometimes bring him to me to cheer me up, but I just dismissed them because of how bad I felt at the moment. Out of the few photos we have of him we have none where we are together, and we have only one that is memorable and have close to no video recordings of him, because I kept putting it off for later, and now I feel like I screwed up. Like I didn't spend enough time with him, like I didn't appreciate him enough.
I also read somewhere that even domestic hamsters hibernate (I don't know if this is true or not, just that many owners found their thought to be dead hamsters alive later), so in my mind I keep coming back to the thought of "What if we pronounced him dead too soon??? What if he was just hibernating???" It snowed on the day when we found him not moving, so it wouldn't feel surprising to me. Although my mom assured me he was still as a stone when she touched him when I asked her about this.

I am kind of a skeptic when it comes to anything supernatural or not explainable by science or hard facts, but then feel that any proof that maybe I could someday meet him again, in the "afterlife" perhaps would make me feel better, but I'm just so afraid to believe something that I'm not 100% sure about. Even though right now it would be soothing to know that he's waiting for me out there somewhere til my day comes.

I just don't know how to stop feeling this way. I feel like an unconsoleable little kid 
and I just need someone to help me. Anything.
I feel like I'll never be happy or stop crying about Simon again.
I've honestly even considered taking my life over this, because I don't know if I will ever stop mourning, and if not then what is the point of living like this? The more I reread this the more I feel like I'm developing some sort of psychosis.

I just want to be with him again. To care for him again. 
To make him know how much I love him.
I just want my baby boy Simon back...
Spacecat

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #2 
Oh honey, all of your feelings are completely normal, I'm so sorry about Simon. There is no time limit on grief. Please don't let others bully you about any aspect of this, he was your precious boy and I feel sorry for them that they don't understand.

It sounds like you don't have an outlet. I would recommend trying to find a pet grief counselor in your area then approach your parents about seeing them. You may also be interested in seeing a therapist about other aspects of your life, though it can take a long time to find someone who's a good fit and I don't know your financial situation. Everyone can benefit from therapy--we have to keep our brains healthy just like our bodies.

Not that they would ever replace Simon, but is it possible to get another pet? You have so much love to give, there's probably an animal out there who needs you even more than you need them. They could be a healing distraction and close companion which sounds exactly like what you need right now.

As someone non-spiritual I can empathize with wanting to meet him again. I can even empathize with your suicidal thoughts. I'm currently grieving and jealous of those with faith. No matter who's right, it helps me to know that my baby and Simon are both absolutely fine right now. We're the ones who are in pain so we must take care of ourselves. I'm here if you need to talk to someone who completely understands and is crying for sweet Simon, too.
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