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zaydeecruz

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Posts: 3
 #1 
Hi all..

i am very new to this, and thought perhaps someone could understand my pain. 

I have a cat, Itty Bitty,...i got her as a little baby, when someone deliberatley smashed her head to try to kill her,....her skull was crushed, both eyes were erratic, she had swelling on her brain....the emergency vet said 'she might not make it, i give her a 20% chance'...well to me that was hope..so i got her shots and meds and nursed her ...everyday we went to the vet for shots for the swelling on her brain, to control seizures, and for pain treatment.......she lived in a box in complete darkness for a month in order for her to heal....we had to teach her to walk again, to eat, to use the litter box etc.....but our little 20% chance baby made it.

Itty Bitty died on Monday.  I came home from work and found her. We dont know how or why. She was 8 years old.

I am totally and completely lost inside.  I cry, I laugh, I sob..... I feel like 'did i love her enough????'   'did she KNOW i loved her???'   'is she happy now?'  'was she happy with me?'    

no one i know understands....i keep hearing 'you will be fine' but i dont feel fine. today i couldnt even find it in my to brush my own hair.   my house is too quiet, i keep thinking i hear her.....i can't keep food down, i can't sleep... the pain is so great that the only word to describe it is heavy. it's a heavy pain that makes it hard to breathe.

does anyone understand? am i losing my mind? do i need a shrink? can i even move on and get over this? will i ever feel whole again???
mykittygirl

Registered:
Posts: 881
 #2 
You gave Itty Bitty a loving and safe home...how could she not love you.
She's at the Bridge right now bragging to the other furangels about how much she was loved.

She felt so safe in your love that her spirit left quietly on Monday and that beautiful spirit of hers will always be with you.

Suffering such an enormous loss is extremely painful...you will be in agony and allow yourself to grieve for her.  Don't worry about "moving on"..it's not time ...you need to mourn her...you loved her..and it's natural to feel what you do.

It might help to keep a journal of your feelings or write her a letter.  Come here to cry and talk about her.

I am sending you many many hugs.  And my Cicio will be there to make Itty Bitty feel safe..don't worry.

Donna

                           
basil

Registered:
Posts: 1,205
 #3 

What a fantastic thing you did for Itty Bitty, you saved her life, and then gave her 8 happy years.  You are not going mad at all.  We all go through what you are going through.  You loved your little girl and you miss her.  You are grieving.  Take your time, come here and talk about your feelings, you will always get support.  I am so sorry for your loss, and also sorry that I missed your post yesterday.  Much Love, Di xxx

Gruntsmomforever

Registered:
Posts: 699
 #4 
Bless your heart, my friend, you made a miracle happen.  Without the greatest love that it is clear you had for your precious Itty Bitty, she would never have survived, let alone the 8 years she shared with you.  It is heartbreaking that you lost her, and I am so sad for you.

She truly must have been an amazing kitty, and I hope one day, when you feel up to it, you will share her story with us.  Until then, know that here you are with people who understand and feel what you are feeling in your grief, and will be here for you.

I send you my deepest sympathy, and say a prayer for your Beloved Itty Bitty, your sweet little girl,
Katharine, Grunt's Mom Forever


drbones

Registered:
Posts: 111
 #5 
I am so sorry over the loss of your precious little Itty Bitty.  You are a wonderful person for giving her love, a safe home, and a good life.
You are not going mad- grief is very hard, especially someone who gave you unconditional love.  She was your little baby.  I lost my little man over 2 months ago, and I still cry.  It is getting a bit easier over time, but it does take time to heal and grieve.
So sorry for your loss.  I hope to hear more about Itty Bitty when you are ready,
Heather, Hank's forever mommy
Luna13

Registered:
Posts: 846
 #6 
My friend, you are an angel.  I hope you know that.  It takes a very special person to provide such a loving, safe home like you did for Itty Bitty.  What a lucky little girl she was to have such an amazing fur mommy.  No, you're not going mad.  What you're feeling is very normal and it's horrible I know.  I've been down that dark path and I do understand.  I lost my two babies last year and I still cry for them often.  They're such a huge part of our lives and when they go, we're just lost.  Have faith that your precious Itty Bitty is in a beautiful place and is happy.  She knows your heart and knows your love for her and her spirit will be with you always.  When someone says things like "you'll be ok" they're right, but they just don't understand the pain you feel.  Take your time and grieve for your baby.  There's no time line as we all heal differently.  We're here for you any time and we all understand.  God Bless you and your Itty Bitty.  I'll ask my girls Luna and Gypsy to welcome her with open paws.  May God hold you in his loving arms and give you hope, lift your spirits, and bring you peace.

Huge hugs to you.

God Bless,

Gerlie (Gypsy and Luna's forever mom)
butterfly72

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #7 

My sweet dog Kato also passed on Monday, the same day as your Itty Bitty.  He was 14 years old, blind, deaf, and diabetic, yet it still felt "unexpected" to me.  I fully understand the grief you are feeling.  I am overwhelmed myself, and have sobbed and cried so much these last few days, I feel as if I'm out of tears.  I even get myself almost into a panic, when I really realize that I'm never going to hold my dear sweet baby in my arms again.  I have gathered his little bandannas, his collar, and his blankie.  I hold them up to my face, just searching for his special scent.  I feel crazy doing these things, but I'm desperate to feel him around me again.  My hubby has been so supportive, but he's running out of things to say.  But there is nothing really to be said, I guess.  I feel like I can't keep crying to friends.  I actually found this wonderful board about a month ago when our other dog, a 10 year old Rottweiler, was diagnosed with osteosarcoma, which has spread massively throughout his chest.  I thought he was going to go first.  Now I will lose both my babies within the same time period, and its making me physically sick and emotionally drained.  The only relief I get is believeing that they will be together at the Rainbow Bridge, full of life and pain-free, along with your wonderful Itty Bitty.  I'm so truly sorry for your loss.  You are not alone.  My little Kato was a pomeranian that loved cats, so maybe he and Itty Bitty can help each other find their way. 

Deb1

Registered:
Posts: 23
 #8 
zaydeecruz;

I have noticed I can't get food down either.  Since my beagle Barney is gone I am eating alone for the first time in 13 years.  I have to make myself eat now.  It used to be her and my Shepherd Kato beside me and now I noticed she doesn't participate as she was not the beggar Barney was and was just tagging along. 

Yes, I know about the breathing part, I have that too.  I will never forget 2 years ago when my Shelty was taken by arthritis and couldn't get up one day, the shock and overwhelming grief.  It was July and hot and I remember going out in the middle of the night to sit on the porch because I was scared I coudn't breathe.  Probably panic attacks.

Had several more this time and it may be worse due to guilt issues. 

Had to resort to sleeping pills this time but I am going to ride this out for months as that may be what it takes.  It took a long time last time, and I still have pangs, but I did survive with nothing professional and found renewed joy in my other 2 dogs these last two years.   This is situational (not clinical) depression in my opinion (not a doctor) but people don't realize how long grief lasts regardless of the cause; death, divorce, any major loss.  Every person has a different timeline. 

I think it's important to let it out and go through the process even though it is painful.

This site is a great support network.  Almost like group therapy.  In the meantime don't forget your physical needs.  I know my dog and other cats are grieving in their way, but are handling it better as they are at least eating.

I know it is hard, please take care of yourself. 

Butterfly72:  I may be in the same position as you;  I have one dog left, a German Shepard Kato.  After losing Barney 3 weeks ago today I find that I need to schedule her for surgery.  It's minor but will be life threatening if not removed early.  It's frightening to put a dog that age (15 -the average life span is 10 for a G Shepherd according to vet) under anesthesia.  It's always risky.  Luckily she is in good health except for arthritis and has no diseases. But you know how they get at that age...they sleep soooo sound...I just hope she wakes up.  

butterfly72

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #9 

Deb1:  I will be thinking and praying for your Kato. (How sweet-we both have babies named "Kato"!)  They sure do sleep soundly.  I can't tell you how many times I go over to check that Toby is still breathing!!  I worry now, because I think he is depressed with the loss off his fur brother.  Best of luck, and keep us updated. 

rena

Registered:
Posts: 174
 #10 
dear zadeecruz:

   Your post brought tears to me.  Itt bitty was such a special angel who's love of live was so enormous that she fought through all that trauma to stay with you, her angel.  I know how strong a bond we have with our babies and I think that since you and Itt bitty went through so many trials just getting her past all those horrible injuries by a sick and unbelievably cruel "person" although that word is too good for the sadist that that bond survives after death.  Right now your grief is still very new and I can identify with not being able to even do the basics when you are grieving this hard.  It's been 2 months since I lost my baby Sherry because of a lot of stupid misjudgements about her health that cost her her life.  I still cry every day but the first 2 weeks my stomach just shriveled up and I literallly couldn't swallow food and lost 10 lbs in those 2 weeks.  The only place I could go even though I didn't even want to deal with that was to a therapist who has me on 3 different antidepressants.  I know how horrible you feel and the hardest part is trying to deal with the fact that these special beings are not with us and we wonder how in God's name are we going to be able to keep on living when everythink seems so  pointless.  My only solace is that maybe their spirits go on after death and that someday we will all be reunited.

Rena
zaydeecruz

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #11 
Its been one week..and still the tears.....   someone at my office told me today that I cry too much. that is always helpful.

the vet called to pick up Itty Bitty's ashes,....and i thought i could do it...i went...they gave them to me...and they gave me a plaque with her fur and pawprints. i gasped like someone had sucker punched me in the chest.  i couldnt drive. i couldnt think. i almost ran over a bicycle person.

i've found i have good moments and very very bad ones....where i can't function. i have other pets, but my loss and pain over Itty Bitty is overwhelming.  I feel a part of me is gone.

I love her with all my heart...and can't imagine life going on without her.....
JennyH

Registered:
Posts: 34
 #12 
Zaydeecruz, you're not losing your mind.  You're experiencing painful grief.  We all understand it.  It's going to take time.  It hurts. I  know.
 
You had a special bond with Itty Bitty.  You nursed her back and she and you gave each other eight wonderful years of love.  Remember you had that.  She was only given 20% chance to survive when little, but you helped her make it 100%.  She got to live a good life for 8 years with people who loved her.
 
I just lost my Ernie June1.  He was our last one.  We called him Itty Bitty Kitty when we first got him, but then he grew and we started calling him Ernie or Ern.  He got to be 20 pounds, so not so bitty!
 
Maybe you should tell that person at the office that maybe they don't cry enough.  Tears is a part of the grieving process.  You will go on and your life is better for having known her and having given her love for all those years.  Boy, the sadness hurts though.  I understand.
 
 
Becky57

Registered:
Posts: 657
 #13 

What an amazing thing you do.  I lost my dog nearly three months ago.  I can only tell you that it was and is the worst pain I have ever dealt with in my life--I am 58 and have lost many people I loved--but the dog--it was different.  FRom the time she was a baby, I was always petrified that something was going to happen to her.  I hope she grew used to my crying and screaming for her when I could not see her whether in the house or yard--I just loved her so much.  I am so sorry for what happened to your Itty Bitty.  I am so amazed at what you did for her--and so sorry you lost her.

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