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JJames

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Posts: 1
 #1 
Sorry this is so long, but it felt good to just vent out some steam right now...

Just a few hours ago, we lost our 4 month old puppy (Nakpa meaning ears). He was so loved. He was a beagle-collie...he was mostly my brother's dog, and he's taking it really hard. Usually I just go about my business not paying much attention to him when I'm inside but tonight I was watching a show about people losing their dogs...so I decided to play with him a little and bring him inside tonight...I asked my brother to take the ticks off his legs while I made dinner. While we got dinner ready, he broke loose and got hit by a car and that was just a few hours ago...I called for him and he wouldn't come, so all three of my adult brothers went looking for him and found him along the highway....the one day I try to bring him in and he dies...
I never do anything like this but the reason is because I'm kind of taking it hard myself...my parents grew up in a different era and have this sort of different mentality when it comes to pets...but what makes this harder is that we just lost our really beloved cat, Hishma (furry), of 8 years three weeks ago...

We had him since he was a kitten, and he wasn't a pet, he was really a part of the family...he was distantly affectionate towards us, but really loved us...when we'd go for walks, he would never walk with us, but he'd walk behind us, never letting us out of his sight...and when you'd try to hide from him, he'd starting meowing, trying to look for us...one year, my family was having it really rough and for awhile we had nothing but condiments in our fridge...we couldn't feed him but figured he'd fend for himself. One day he came home with a piece of fried chicken (he was a very pretty cat and wasn't scared of people, so he'd go right up to them if they had food, he was a little on the heavy side) and carried it from the local park all the way home...when he got home he carried it to my brother and just dropped it next to him. He didn't eat it and just sat next to my brother. well, four years ago we moved to a country home across the state and live along a highway. He came with us and it was then we got really close to him. Like any other pet, he had those pecularities that made us love him so much...over the years, we had other cats (which we've also loved) but each died along the same highway that killed our puppy tonight. Because each time we lost one of our cats, my sister and I took each death really hard, so we became fearful that our beloved Hishma would get hit. So we kept him in at nights..and even as we got to college, we'd call home to make sure he was being taken care of. That's how much we loved him. Since I was 12 years old (I'm now 21) he's been a part of my life everyday. Animals have this amazing ability to make you laugh during the worst possible circumstances such as deaths, fights, and so on. He had that trait. So we all went to great lengths to make sure he'd live a long life...It's only after his death that I realize how much I tried to control his fate. My worst fear was to drive home and see his white fat body lying along the road...this fear drove me great lengths to ensure his safety...well three weeks ago, he had ticks all over him so my mother wanted him outside. Because his leash was now being used for our puppy (the same leash he broke out of from tonight), I worried he would get runned over, so I grabbed string and tied it to his collar...well, my dad found a cage for him instead...he was safe for the night, and he enjoyed being outside again...I gave him a good rub and then as I tried to untie that string, my sister's baby was crying so she honked the horn...When I got back the next day, it was raining, and my brother had let him out. So I called for him and became worried because he always came running through the fields when it rained...my older brothers, my brother-in-law and I spent all day looking for him. I kept hoping I'd see him coming through the fields, dirt all over himself, and ready to eat. When it was night time and he wasn't home, I started to think he wasn't coming home at all, that's when my dad got back and we began looking for him again. we looked everywhere throughout the day except for one shed...so my dad decided to check in there...he was gone for at least half a minute...when he came out he didn't say a thing and that's when I knew, I kept asking him if he was in there (knowing he was) and my dad wouldn't respond to my question, and then my dad choked up and finally said, "Joi, he's dead." I spent the past four years fearing he'd get hit by a car and it was my own doing that killed him. That string that I tied to his collar got knotted around his neck somehow during the night....so when my brother let him out and it began raining he ran to that shed...when he jumped off the raff the string got caught in a crack...my cat accidently hung himself and broke his neck. I ran inside that shed and held his body. I hard a hard time handing his body over to the lady at pet cremation, i couldn't believe it was going to be the last time i'd hold his body...I just miss him so much. It doesn't feel right that a person should love an animal that much, but I can't help it...I can still see him everywhere and what makes me miss him the most is when I sleep, he's not there at my feet, or when I eat, he's not there begging. even cleaning up his litter one last time was hard. it's been three weeks and I'm still crying. It just doesn't feel fair to lose our puppy just a few weeks later. I believe in Christ and the only thing I can think of is that God wants me to know that despite all I do, I can't control everything. I spent so much time trying to keep my cat from dying, that I ended up killing him. But I still don't understand why we lost our puppy...It feels like the signs were there but I didn't see them. I knew I should have taken that string off and I knew I should have just brought our puppy in.....I just walked outside and saw his little favorite rubber shoe lying in the grass. It was just 5 hours ago I saw him running up to me with it in his mouth...I can't believe that that baby puppy is gone...and the one brother and the one family member who didn't cry when our cat died, cried so hard tonight...it was hard to see him like that...and tonight they had just bought him a brand new bone....
I'm not a very outwardly emotional person, and I'm really private and modest, so letting people read this feels kind of weird. But it felt good to get some of this emotion out. I think I cried so much I gave myself headache :) ...thanks for letting me write and thanks to anyone who beared to read all that...God Bless.





katebock

Registered:
Posts: 686
 #2 
Oh JJames, I am sooo sorry.  What terrible accidents.  It is just so unfair that you have lost 2 special babies.  I know that the grief  and guilt are overwhelming.  Please be kind to yourself and realize that these were accidents.  You never meant for these things  to happen .  Your Nakpa and Hishma know how much you love them. 

My thoughts and prayers are with you,
Kate (Gus' mom)
HelenY

Registered:
Posts: 1,415
 #3 
Dear JJames-- I'm so, so sorry for your losses.  I don't know what else to say, except that all my thoughts and prayers are with you at this most difficult time.  Know that your little furbabies loved you and knew you loved them.  Horrible and tragic accidents happen and you should not feel guilty about having anything to do with them.

     May you find some peace in your journey to healing---

                          Teddy's Mom
Loudpurring

Registered:
Posts: 774
 #4 
Wow,  that was quite a story. I don't know how you are doing on the outside. On the inside it sounds like you 're  having some difficulty with all that has happened over the last few weeks. Who wouldn't? I don't think there  is anything I can say that will help you to feel better. But, I think your getting it out by writing is what will help you understand all this better, and understanding yourself is so important.
 
There are people who feel closer to animals than people. For those people to loose an animal friend is more traumatic than it would be to loose a human friend. There are people who love people and love animals and to them the loss of a special pet brings them saddnes equivalent to looseing a person they loved. There are those who like animals and get attached but never form that strong tie like the above mentioned people. So when they loose their pet it hurts them, but does not devistate them.  Then there are other people that don't care, etc. there is no point to mentioning them here.
 
There is no rite way to be. There are so many variations in people that I mentioned above.  No way is rite to be or wrong to be. I don't believe it even has that much to do with how you are raised. I think you are either born that way or you're not. But however you feel, never be ashamed that you do feel. There is nothing wrong with being who you are. So it goes to say if you don't show you're feelings because you don't like to, that is fine too.
 
There are also people who are very sensitive to others feelings, and seeing someone hurt hurts them just as much if not more. There is nothing wrong with empathy, compassion and sympathy. Also emotions I think you are either born with or not.
 
So what I am saying is that however you feel it is okay to feel it. Never feel bad about yourself. You have to spend your entire life with yourself, so you had best learn to love yourself and all you are and learn to forgive yourself too. You know you never meant to hurt anyone and you were trying to help. You made a very costly mistake with the string, but now you know. You won't ever put any type of string or rope etc on a cat ever again. Not now since you have learned. But before you didn't know. I am sorry, but there is nothing you can do to go back in time  and change things. We can only change after the fact. You were hurt to see your Brother so hurt. You were also hurt to see your puppy hurt. Who wouldn't be. You have gone through alot of grief and still have some more to work through. I think it is great that you were able to post such a well written letter on here and I think it will help you to post as often as you want. Everyone here is really nice and nobody will ever ridicule anything you write. So please post away if it helps you.
 
I don't ever discuss religion, but what the h..., I really do not think God was trying to teach you not to interfer. I think that sometimes a whole lot of very bad things happen for no other reason than that it just happens that way. So  please do not ever stop trying to make animals safer.
 
 
basil

Registered:
Posts: 1,205
 #5 
I am so sorry.  Please come here again, there are some very wise people here, and also the kindest most loving people that you could wish to meet.
I am thinking of you, Di xxx
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