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4JakeyWithLove

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Posts: 9
 #1 
I had to put Jakey to sleep on 10/14, about 2.5 weeks ago, and I am struggling thinking how I will react once I get his remains tomorrow. The emotions and sadness have been so real, my chest tight etc, but I feel I can’t be open about this or be like this forever. Sometimes I feel I am a bit crazy or mental too, having to play a song Happier by Marshmellow/Bastille which I happened to hear for the first time driving back from the vet after putting him to sleep. I still haven’t put away his bed or toys or bowls, most of his things. I still grab his collars and hold them tight at times so to help me with all this. Jakey or Jakey Kid/Jakey Boy was my Heart Boy, my Beagle Kid, my Beagle Terrier, My Little Ewok Boy. I loved him sooo much, and I too feel so guilty about his last few months. He was 1.5 months short of 13 and up until this year, he was always my little rambunctious kid, my senior puppy boy. He wasn’t the best trained (he was a barker) but he had a heart of gold; he made me smile, gave me so much love, and made my life so much better. I loved him so My house is so different now. I still can imagine him running out near the large window of the front door/porch inside the curtains when he would hear or see my car returning from the work then running to the door only to greet me as I came in the door or how he would follow me everywhere wanting to be with me at all times, following me to the bathroom, upstairs, waiting for me outside the shower door and then licking my legs when I got out to help dry me, help me open packages when I ordered something. I can remember him always wanting to lay beside me, laying to rest on my shoulder, or him continually trying to paw me into holding him. I miss him so much. Anyway, for about 4 months he was congested and he was on several rounds of antibiotics. I finally was told he probably needed to see a specialist and get a rhinoscopy/ct scan. Anyway things got complicated and he got sick for a stomach obstruction and needed surgery. In that process they found out he had tumors on his liver (turned out to be benign after removal and biopsy). Anyway all this was done and he had a complication of surgery and got aspiration pneumonia during the surgery. He survived the surgery and procedures and the hospitalization which cost me 15k and told me not to worry about the pneumonia. Anyway he survived 3 weeks after that. I am pissed at myself knowing that he wasn’t sleeping for 4 weeks. I thought it was because of the medication they gave him or the fact that he had to sleep with the cone around his head for 2.5 weeks or his congestion which we were trying to fix. Little did I know that the pneumonia was still there and was damaging his lungs. I had gone back to the vet after two weeks when they were removing the sutures. They said he was fine and on the road to recovery except from the chronic congestion which was already determined not to be cancer, polyps, or a fungus but just a hard to treat allergy. Anyway one week passed, I was scheduled to take him to help diagnose the allergy some more the following week, but one Saturday night he seemed to be breathing heavier and coughing and shivering. I took him to the emergency that Sunday morning and knew it was bad because he refused to eat which is so unlike him. When I got there they were already telling me it looked bad even without the X-rays to confirm. The X-rays concluded that he had pneumonia extensive lung damage (fibroids) and he needed to be kept in oxygen and that he wouldn’t probably make it that day especially if I took him out. They said they could keep him in an oxygen tank for 2 days for around 4K and stabilize him but that the outcome was slim because he needed to go into surgery for a tracheal wash and biopsy and that medicines wouldn’t probably kick in fast enough. He couldn’t breathe and was suffocating He had been on different antibiotics for months for the congestion and it seemed that his infections were resistant to all the major ones given for pneumonia. I am so angry that they had given him a good outcome just the week before and that they weren’t concerned about the pneumonia he gotten during the surgery even telling me not to worry. After the fact I read that you need to go get X-rays every few days to see if the antibiotics are working. I feel like I failed my dog and could have saved him had I known and had I known they prescribed him an antibioticI which ai should have known he was resistant too. I am mad at myself and mad at the vets who I trusted and paid lots too for the expertise. Anyway I had to put my dog to sleep. I cried and cried at the vet for hours but I couldn’t hang out with him since he needed to have oxygen in order to survive. I didn’t think I could be there and watch when it all happened. Growing up we had another dog for almost 16 years and I had gone through this before but with my siblings but I didn’t watch instead opting to be in the corner crying as my mom and siblings watched. But this time with Jakey I had to be strong. It was only the two of us. I was his special human, his best friend, his paw paw twin. I had him since he was a puppy just 8 weeks old. I couldn’t leave him; I was all he had. He trusted me. I watched as they gave him the sedative. It was the first time he slept soundly in 4 weeks. Then when I was ready I held him in my arms and said I loved him as many times when they gave him the injection. It happened so fast. He was gone so fast. I didn’t even know but I even was able to stay with his body and still hug him and give him kisses. It was all a bad dream. I have been crying lots but not everyday and my chest is still tight etc. I just don’t know how I am going to react when I get his remains tomorrow. I am dreading it so much yet I don’t want to turn my back on him. I really feel like I am going mad. Luckily, I have been able to remember good memories, of happier times especially his cute little face and lovable gestures. My emotions are like a roller coaster and I am going mad. I don’t know I am going to handle it tomorrow; I am scared. I really don’t and I also feel guilty for being a bit scared and weirded out getting his remains. But I really don’t want to abandon him.
goofygirlinva

Registered:
Posts: 1,191
 #2 
I don't know what to say other than I am so incredibly sorry for losing Jakey, your best friend in the entire world. If I could reach through the internet and give you a huge, long hug, I would.

It is 100% normal to be mad, but please don't blame yourself - you are not a vet, and all the decisions you made were done out of love and care for your boy. You did what you thought was best for him and I am pretty sure that the vets thought they were doing the right thing at the time as well. 

I've only had one of the animals I've known and loved throughout my life cremated. Luckily I was able to take Squeeker's body to a pet cremation place that gave me his remains about 2 hours later. For me the hardest part was not getting Squeeker's remains back but rather handing his body over to be cremated. This may sound kind of odd, but I actually made the initial cremation appointment but then canceled it because I was not yet ready to literally let him go. So I held on to him for another few days and then rescheduled the appointment. When I got to the cremation place I just sat in the car with Squeeker's body for about 5-10 minutes because I knew when I walked in the building with his body that would be the last I would literally see him. So it was really hard for me to hand over his body to a stranger. But when I got his ashes back, it was oddly comforting because I knew that I would always have Squeeker's ashes with me, no matter where I lived or went. Hopefully the same will hold true for you and you will have some peace knowing that you'll always have Jakey's ashes with you wherever you go for the rest of your life.

Hugs and peace to you as you go through this very difficult journey...

- Kelly
Angel Blackie's mom
Angel Squeeker's mom

Lkormos

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #3 
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. You are not going crazy. The feelings you have are exactly how I feel after losing 2 dogs in one week. Our dogs are our best friends forever. They are a very important part of the family. I feel your pain and understand what you are going through but, dont beat yourself up. Be good to yourself. We will never ever forget our BFF but you also deserve to find peace. I wish you all the best as you work through this difficult time.
Angel_Dawn

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #4 
Jakey's mom, I am so sorry for the loss off your boy. Everything you've shared I can relate to. You did absolutely everything in your power to save him. At certain age, like us humans, animals just don't do well with invasive treatments, testing and surgeries.
I always new that once my furry baby reaches double digits it's a no to surgeries. They rarely survive when they've reached senior age.
Of course veterinary doctors push for all of the treatments regardless of animal's prognosis for recovery cause that's when they make more money!
My Dawn's (cat) ER vets were strongly suspecting cancer and were pushing for chemotherapy if cancer got confirmed. My cat was 14.5, had a whole left lung collapsed, advanced stage of kidney failure and hypertension and they thought chemo was a good idea. I swear I wanted to slap that ER Vet in a face!!
I opted out for pain management and then let go when my baby became critical to end her suffering.
You trusted the vets who didn't do what they were paid to do. Paid a lot!!
Look, it is gonna hurt like hell. There is no easy way out of it. We hurt this much because we love them that much.
As to leaving things around...NORMAL. I didn't touch anything of Dawn's. Her litter box still had her footsie steps in it. I don't think I want to get rid of it. I like it there. My baby had accidents at the end. There is a small smear of her poo I missed while cleaning. I left it too. I found a place where she vomited. I left it there. I know it sounds sick but I didn't even wash the comforter on my bed. It smells like her pee a little bit. So please, don't judge yourself for not putting away his toys. Cause to me smelling my cat's pee is comforting.

The pain will never leave you. You will learn to live with it though. In time perhaps give a home and love to another baby.

I know I can't live without cats.
Best wishes to you, sending you comforting energy...
Wish you peace,
Violetta
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