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mrsyikester

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Posts: 4
 #1 
I just needed to get this out- somewhere

My baby died this morning- 6am. Luckily my husband and I were home, so we were with her. But I didn't expect it, so I didn't feel like I got to say goodbye well. I'm worried she felt scared or didn't know how much we lover her. 

She got sick a few weeks ago, but we thought she'd get better- just thought she hated her food (cats can be picky!). Took her to vet last week, she had kidney problems and Pancreatitis. It was bad but vet downplayed it. We just got pain meds for her because we thought it would help her eat last night. But she was in pain, so I take a small comfort in knowing her pain is done. Took in to vet today so they can memorialize her.

I feel guilt. And lonely. And so very sad. I should have caught her problems sooner. I miss her very much. More then I can put in words. I've wandered my house all day, looking for her even though I know she's not there. I miss that she used to chew my hair. And how soft she was. She was my cuddle bug- and she had this silent meow, where you saw her mouth open but nothing came out. 

Logically I  know grief will fade, but today is day one, and I'm a mess - so today I'm just going to keep saying how much I miss her, and cry because nothing will fix it. She was beautiful, adorable and the best cat. My family is broken.

We have two other cats and I love them dearly. But I still miss her. I hope she knows i loved her so much. And i wish we'd said goodbye better, like held her as she died, but it was so quick we didn't realize what was happening. 


KOkristin

Registered:
Posts: 16
 #2 
Hi mrsyikester. Your post hit me close to home. I'm sorry you're dealing with this loss. Pets are family, and there will be a part of that family missing now. Unfortunately, cats are really good at hiding their pain. It helps them to survive in the wild, but does them and their owners no favours when we are trying to take care of them. It's hard to see those signs of pain, so try not to be too hard on yourself for not knowing sooner. 

Hold the memories of your baby's behaviour close. It's so cute that she would chew your hair and cuddle up to you. These memories will bring you comfort in time, but for now if they cause you pain that's okay too. We need to let ourselves feel the pain in order to honour their memory and realize how much love you had for them. I found it hard to show any affection for our other cat after my Pumpkin died. It took me months before I could let Jinx up on my lap without crying and pushing him away.

Give yourself the time and space to emote, especially so early on. I made the mistake to distract myself from my pain for a while after some time had passed, and it eventually just bubbled over and I had several really bad days where I felt completely lost and hopeless again, as if it was the first day repeating over. Ever since then, I make sure to set aside time to let myself indulge my grief, and feel those hard feelings. It helps me to function in the day-to-day activities after I've acknowledged the heartache I still feel. 

If you'd like to say goodbye it might be helpful to close your eyes and imagine what you'd like them to know, or to write it down. Feel free to reach out to people on this forum whenever you need it. Many of us are dealing with very similar situations. Lastly, thank you for sharing your story. Even after many months have passed, it still helps me to read posts like yours, so I know I'm not overreacting in my grief. I hope you find it helpful to read through others posts as well.  

One thing I hold onto is that my baby loved me. I'm sure your baby loved you too. Please take care of yourself. 

Kristin
pansy

Registered:
Posts: 599
 #3 
I'm sorry to hear you lost your baby.  I made the awful dreaded decision to put my beautiful big boy to sleep two weeks ago so I know the anguish of loss you are feeling.  It must be hard to have it happen so unexpectedly.  When they are part of your life for so many years it is really painful to be without them.  I have sudden waves of intense grief that come out of nowhere when I realize he is really gone.  Having gone through this several times now I know it eventually lessens but the beginning is so painful.  
mrsyikester

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #4 
Thank you. Just being able to grieve and say how much I miss her out loud helps a bit. Thank you for your kind words, and this forum has already helped me so much see that it's ok to be sad. Since they are so much a part of our home, and every day life the pain it's harder I think. Plus this is my first pet loss, and first real loss of family. Thank you for helping me
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