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Posts: 1
I could probably write a book here, but thought I would shorten a bit. I live rural, and we care for local abandoned/lost cats, practicing TNR when possible, rehoming those we can, and caring as best as possible for those who we cannot home. The friendly cats have an outdoor enclosed space and also access to part of the house. The purely feral have shelter on the side of the house. The feral cats come and go. Some years there’s tons of kittens sometimes none.
Due to the population size vaccinations have not really happened and we had never really lost many except a handful of kittens who faded. We had a phenomenal track record.
Enter 2020, that began with my chihuahua dying right after Christmas from liver failure. I had thought that she had more time. They never do.
Then a cat got lethargic, and suddenly died.
Shortly after we brought in and quarantined 5 kittens.
I lost two kittens and two more cats. One was awful and the euthanasia had to be quick so it was a heart stick. Shiv was my baby and it was horrible. One kitten and the other adult cat were fine the day before and dead in the morning. The other kitten- I was able to intervene and save her with fluids and B vitamins- only to have her die twelve days later. Same symptoms. Adult cats were 6 and eight years old, the kittens just over three months old.
My vet switched the antibiotic and the remaining kittens didn’t die. Everybody got vaccinated and it looked like all was well. I found homes for two of the three remaining kittens.
The other kitten- my Odin- was very special. He was the runt, and it took a lot of work to get him to proper kitten size but I had succeeded. He was so trusting, you could carry him around like a human baby. He gave kisses. Sometimes I still feel his little body on my leg or neck.
Odin was curious. My elderly mother opened the door to go in and check on the cat group, and didn’t see Odin get out. He had done it before, and I had begged her to make sure he didn’t escape. She blames everyone but herself- Odin for being curious, my daughter for not feeding the cats, me for not feeding them fast enough so they would not be meowing....
We have dogs. I was setting up canned cat food on plates when I heard hissing. I ran. He went behind the table. I grabbed for him and he scratched me so hard my hand released. I screamed NO NO while trying to get my body in between Odin and the dogs. My moms Chihuahua terrier mix got under my guarding hands and he killed my Odin. I picked up my kitten who was bleeding from nose and mouth and I held him while his heart stopped. So much blood.
I keep seeing that. I walk in the cat area and can almost see him playing with the toys. It’s only been two days but it hurts so much, all this death with his being top death. I’ve been doing cat rescue for fifteen years but I have never been through something like this. The little baby I kept warm under my shirt, who didn’t know how to use a litter box but boy could he eat, who learned to play slower than the others, my little autistic cat to end like that.
I know others have had similar, but this hurts so much I’m having trouble getting up the desire to eat, to sleep, I just look for distractions so I don’t think about Odin, and Miracle and Electra and Buni and Elsa and my late Chihuahua Princess. I can’t go near my moms dog and I’ve not spent a much time with the others lately.
I don’t know how to go through this and stay sane. I have a therapist and doctor I am being treated.
It’s not helping. I need to know how to do this, how to not keep reliving all of it in my head.

Posts: 68
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