Yesterday I had to say goodbye to you. In the morning, you weren't yourself. Your liver was failing. You were no longer looking outside, or playing with toys. You weren't even interested in food. You were about 10 pounds when we took you to see Dr. Kelly on Friday. That was when she told us it was time. We made an appointment on Monday and watched you get worse all weekend. I was so grateful for that time with you, but I know you were suffering. You fought so hard for me!
When we got there, you wanted to look around and climb on the chairs, but you could no longer get there. You walked on my thigh to get to the chair and then decided you either weren't interested anymore, or couldn't make it, so you went back into your carrier. After that, we put you on the table which they had covered with a soft blanket, but you wanted to be in your carrier still. That's ok, that was your safe space. Dr. Kelly injected you in your rear flank with a sedative. You fought it so hard. I stayed with you, petting you and talking to you. I told you everything I wanted you to hear. I asked you to please look for me wherever you go... look for mom. Dr. Kelly thought you were sleeping, but you were not. You actually stood up and went back into your carrier! She gave you another injection to help you relax. Still, I remained petting you when I could. Standing right by you. I told you it was okay to sleep. It was okay to stop fighting. You don't have to fight anymore, baby. After a long time, you seemed to fall asleep and it was time. You passed very quickly once Dr. Kelly could find a vein as your body was so stressed and tired. Still I stayed with you. Dr. Kelly told me you were gone. I still couldn't believe it. Your dad had to tell me it was time to go, that you weren't there anymore.
We came back home and still I look for you, even though I know I won't find you. I started gathering up some of your stuff, not to get rid of evidence of you, but to stop my heart from seeing your things, beds, and not seeing you on any of them.
Dad stayed with me until after I fell asleep last night because that was our thing. I would say “let's go sleeping! It's time for bed. C'mon, Princess, let's go.” And you would follow me and jump up into bed. In your final months, you would climb instead of jump. Sometimes I wouldn't take you with me because you looked peaceful and pain free, so I didn't want to move you. I still always gave you bedtime treats and told you good night.
In the morning I would always get up, go pee, then go find you and say “good morning, Princess”. This morning I just sat on the side of the bed and said “good morning, Princess” and cried. I'm so lost without you, my sweet girl. I love you so very much!!!