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Chiara

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Posts: 1
 #1 
Hi everyone,
I'm a girl from Italy who shouldn't be writing at night on a site that she doesn't know very well in a language that she doesn't know very well either. But I truly have no other place where to put my thoughts.
Begining of last months I went back to my home in Rome, since I study in another City, just to finds out that my cat of five years was find dead in a ditch near my home. This cat name was Ludwig: he was so much more than a simple house cat. He was wild in a majestic kinds of way: he bringed me every kinda of animals and little gift with such dedication. I've seen him jump and catch crow in mid air like it was nothing. My mom truly wanted him to be a only house cat, and keep him inside all the time, but he was miserable like that. It just wasn't him, forced on a couch instead of running in field.
So I insisted to let him be free, and come home each and every night and when his heart feel like it. He was cuddly, majestic and so so loving. The vet said that he probably eat some rat poison and died.
He was young and died because I insisted he was let out to be he's Tru self, and he died because of my choice. I've lived in constant guilt, because he was so young.
I haven't gotten time to grief him that my 16 ear old toy pinscher, Rossana, fell hill. I don't know the English terminology for what she had, so I cannot explain. We fightet with her so hard to keep her With us. We pushed her in 2020 for only six day, since we where forced to put her to sleep when she bacame so week that se couldn't keep herself up, eat, drink or anything. We watched her fade slowly, and painfully. She lost her sight, her hearing. She was so important to me: I had her since I was six years old.
I couldn't watch her when she was put to sleep and I'm struggling to grasp the idea that's she's dead. I just miss her warm little body curled against my back in the bad, and the long restless night I spended try to sooth her when she was in pain. I feel like I've lost the most in this month. I've lost two of my dearest friend.
I feel selfish to feel this way. My friends grieved relatives and I don't feel like I can open up to them. I'm scary that they will tell me to get over it.
I just feel so empty and lost without them, and most of all, I feel so much guilt. I have so many questions: is it my fault? Is wanting a cat to live is true nature what has lead him to his death?
What could we have possibly done for my dog? Did I put her thru more suffering than necessary trying to keep her with us or I ahould've keep trying?

Thanks for reading. I'm so deeply sorry for how this post is written, English it's not my native language.
pansy

Registered:
Posts: 599
 #2 
I'm so sorry for both of your losses.  I know most people feel that cats are safer kept in the house but I truly believe there are some that are just miserable being made to stay inside all the time.  Your cat may have had a shorter life but it's very possible he was happy being free to roam like he wanted.  I had one cat many years ago that just did not adjust to being inside and would dig at the windows and doors and howl constantly to get out.  Nothing we did got her to adjust to being inside and we finally had to let her out because she was just too stressed.  
The decision to euthanize is a really difficult one.  Almost all of us feel some guilt no matter what the circumstance.  We all go through the feelings of "did I wait too long", "did I not do enough, "did I not do everything I could" etc.  We make the best decisions we can at the time.  I'm sure your dog knew he was loved and comforted.  The passing of time will help lessen the pain.  
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