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Prawncoktail

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #1 
Today, my world broke a little more, all over again.
It was just over 2 years ago, that i was here asking for advide on what to do with a decision i faced about my dog Libby, and now i'm here again, just hours after losing my other dog Toffee - Libby's best friend, and my brave girl.
I'm not here for advice on what to do, because it's already happened, i suppose i'm here to share my grief, and talk to those who undestand a level of what i'm going through.
I suppose it was about a year ago when My partner and i knew there was something different about Toffee.. there was something different, something that didn't sit right, and we were right in fact. Without going into detail, Toffee endured a year of two operations, (One spaying, and one to initially remove the keftover of her spaying, which told us she had cancer) A few months after the cancer diagnosis and here i am.
It had been an ongoing battle with her having open pyometra, cancer, and anemia, that finally brought things to a head tonight.
I was on the phone to the vet again, as we did most weeks to talk about our next steps by way of medication, and had a very hopeful outcome, but literally as i was hanging up the phone, Toffee walked into the Dining room where my partner and i were sat.
She had her head down, and was short of breath. I immediately scooped her up, and carried her to the living room sofa.
In literal minutes, i knew what was happening, i took her hand, and told my partner to take her other.
Our other two dogs Honey, and Coco, were also sat aside her and as the next few minutes passed, her breathing became less and less, the whole time we held her hands, and i had my hand on her heart, telling her i love her, and how proud i am of her.

While i am extremely thankful it was natural, she was in no pain, and she was with her family, i can't help but feel lost.
You know how once somethings gone, you wish you had it back, and that even though you gave them a million kisses, and told them a million times you loved them it just doesn't feel like it was enough anymore?
I feel like i didn't stare at her enough, you know, just sit there and take in her beauty, her presence, and my thanks for having her part of my life.
My days, the last few months were ones of being with her every single day, hand feeding her, comforting her, sleeping at her side, and sometimes feeding her water from my hands. To which will now be vacant. And although Honey and Coco will keep me busy, it just won't be the same.
I had Toffee from the very first day she was taken to a shelter, she was only a few months old, and i was the first person to see her, and i said right then, she was mine.
In the 11.5 years i had her in my life, she's made me the person i am today, her, Libby, Coco and Honey, are the reason i am who i am, and the reason i'm here today. 

I honestly don't know what i'm looking for in writing this, but i feell like i need to talk about her, talk about what i'm going through right now, to people who understand what it feels like to feel that physical pain in their heart.

I'm not a religious person, i don't believe in a heaven or a hell, nor anything spiritual, but at times like this, as it was with Libby, i have that fragment of me that wants to believe, the part of me that wants to know that Toffee's jumping all over Libby right now, both their tails wagging, happy to see one another.
I want there to be a olace where i know she's happy, and that she can hear me talking about her, she can hear me talking to her, telling her i love her.
I miss her already, even though it's been just a few hours, and that while everything looks the same, nothing is the same.
Even after two years since Libby's passing, i'm not over it, nor will i ever be, and i'm ok with that, but i dunno - i just wish there was a button i could press that made me feel ok.

I feel like i'm forgetting what it feels like to stroke her already, and that i can only remember the times when i told her to shush from barking, or stop pulling on her lead.

Argh, i'm 34, and right now, i feel 11.


cosesmom

Registered:
Posts: 580
 #2 
I am so sorry. I wish, like you that there were magical words or a button to push so we could feel better but time is all we have. Like you it's been a little over two years since I lost my beloved Termy and I am still not over the sadness. I've buried the grief but I still miss him. I am so glad you came back to share your story about Toffee. You told her how very proud of her you were but she is so very proud of you too. You helped her through some of the worst times in her life and you showed her love and compassion. I am so glad she passed with you and your partner, where she felt loved and safe.

I know that there is a place where our babies go to wait for us because they have a soul and the soul never dies. I've gone to spiritual reader and was told things that only myself or someone else close to Termy would have know. I believe. If there isn't a place for them to go while they wait for us then I don't have anything more to live for. Termy waits for me at the Bridge or heaven or someplace like that of this I'm sure.

You will always remember the feel of her fur, the sound of her foot steps, Her bark and the funny tilt of her head. You'll remember all of the journey you shared with her. Hold her in your heart.

The best place to bury a dog is in the heart of it's master.

Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
Prawncoktail

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #3 
Thankyou for your reply, and such kind words.
It's been two years since Libby's passing, but Toffee's was just Tuesday - It came so suddenly, but i think she knew.
Today has been tough, it's been the first day without her, and i suppose the first day without having that connection to Libby too.
It's hard to be 'normal' because the world around me looks exactly the same, but it's not, it's far from it. But to do things like watch tv, eat, all these things which we do seem suddenly so wrong. It seems insulting i suppose to not be thinking of her 24/7 not to be talking about her 24/7, but i know that's not possible, nor healthy.
Tonight we sat and talked about Toffee, laughed, smiled, and cried a lot, which helps to comfort my thought that while i may not physically have her next to me, she's not gone, and she's still very much a large part of my life, as she always will be.
I'm thankful for the fact she 'told us' she was ready, and that we could all be there for her, and of houw comforted she was, but it doesn't take away any of the guilt. Not really.
I love that you believe in a haven for our babies to go, a place where they wait for our return. I wish to believe that, and i suppose on some level i do. I can imagine Libby being so happy to see Toffee, and Toffee barking and wagging her tail! 
There is no love like the love we have for our babies, like i have for my girls, and you have for your Termy, and they know that too.

Someone told me yesterday 'Have comfort in knowing you were the best person in her life and she loved you dearly' As it applies to My girls, and your Termy too, it is a beautiful though, and with such pride to know too that i was her Dad, As you were Termy's Mom.
They do say, that in time it gets easier, and on one hand i wish it didn't. I don't want to laugh, and re-normalize this adjusted version of myself now without my Toffee, it just wouldn't feel right, but on the other hand, the pain i feel, its like no other.

Although i'm not spiritual, my nan always taught me that we live the same life, and that what we do now, is what we've done a thousand times before. So,I do take comfort in knowing, as you should too, that at some stage, in the next version of this life, we will begin the wonderful, amazing journey of knowing our babies all over again, right from the beginning.

Thankyou again for your comfort, and i'm sorry i can't be much to you in return.
Hopefully over time, both of us find some level in comfort.

Kind hugs.
Toffee's Dad
cosesmom

Registered:
Posts: 580
 #4 
Dearest Toffee's dad,
I have found comfort in knowing that Termy and I had a wonderful and full life. We had one hell of a journey together. I struggled for a very long time but reading books about the after life and going to my spiritual reader I have come to realize that Termy and I have a connection of the heart. He never left my side, even though I can't see him I have had signs that he is still here.  He will always be my little man and I know we had a wonderful life together. I still miss him and go out every night and gaze at the stars and talk to him. It gives me comfort. I was a great mom as he was a great son.

You don't have to apologize for anything. I was where you are now over two years ago. I feel your heart ache and pain. I know Libby met Toffee at the Bridge to comfort and guide her to her new home until the day you are reunited with them again. What a wonderful day that will be. I am happy for you that Toffee made it possible for her to pass in the loving arms of her daddy and you didn't have to make that dreadful decision for her as I did with Termy.

You will get used to new normal. There will always be tears but one day there will be smiles to. Sometimes the smiles will be accompanied with tears and sadness but you will find yourself remembering the memories and smile. This is the legacy that Toffee and Libby set you up for. I never thought I would ever be happy again but I do find myself smiling and thanking Termy for sharing his life with me.

Sending you love
Termy's mom
Prawncoktail

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #5 
The thought that Libby and Toffee are together again, running around is what is stopping me from losing control at times.
They were both from the same rescue center, and both i got when they were just a few months old - There is absolutely no word i can think of which explains the absolute change and light they brought to my life, with the things they did, and the love they always, always provided!
Toffee always made me laugh, how whenever someone came home, or someone knocked the door she's first bark, then run and grab he first toy she could find to give to whoever was home. She's stand there toy in mouth wagging her tail so hard her whole bum and back legs would wobble side to side!! She was Aunty Toffee to both Coco and Honey too, they both loved her to bits, as she did them!! Toffee in fact, taught Coco to bark, and boy do i know it!! Toffee absolutely lives on through Coco, and in part with Honey too, they both miss her, but i think it was a help that they both got to be there to say goodbye too!
In my head, i always thought of Toffee as immortal, i never thought, in my lifetime i'd face a day without her, i always thought she'd be there, curled up in a ball at my side, wherever i was! In some way she still is, but on a different level.
For as long as i live, i will spend the rest of my life thanking my girls for being who they are, and giving me what they gave me. The love, the happiness and everything which lies between. Without them, i am nothing, but with them, i am who i am today.
I write Libby and Toffee now, letters when i'm upset, i put them next to the ashes, and i buy Libby white lilies every week, which i have also started to do for Toffee too.

I'm sure Toffee, Libby and Termy, are watching us, wagging their tails knowing that they had us as much as we had them. We all have that special day to look forward to when we're together again.

I thank you for your kindness.
Toffee's Dad 
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