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catmomsouthernpalm

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Posts: 1
 #1 

I've been scouring the internet on how to make this easier to handle- grief has me exhausted, but I guess there's no real way through it except to feel it? I hate it. I hate that grief is so demanding.

My 3-yo female orange tabby passed away out of the blue on Friday afternoon. No signs of illness or injury. My family found her laying in my room, already gone. She was a happy, healthy, bouncy little thing with so much life ahead of her. She loved everyone (I always called her "aggressively affectionate" because she demanded the utmost love and attention.)

Because of the suddenness, I took her to a pathologist on Saturday. I should get preliminary results this afternoon from the autopsy.

I suspect it may have been a UTI that went undiagnosed (if she was symptomatic, it flew right under our noses.) I can't say anything for certain of course, that's just my gut.

I'm grieving but adjusting. What absolutely kills me, what devastates me, is that she was only 3 and had so many more years ahead of her, and they were stolen from her. She didn't deserve this. My sweet baby didn't deserve to live three short years on this earth. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to her. It wasn't supposed to end like this, so quickly. I just don't understand and I can't accept that this is really it, that she'll never lay on my feet in bed again or chirp at me from the kitchen counter.

And then if it was a UTI, what if she was in pain in her final moments? What if she was so scared? I should have been there for her. I should have paid more attention, noticed something was off. I should have made sure she was drinking enough and using the litterbox normally.

I'm not suicidal but I understand now when people say they want to die upon the loss of their pet. I don't know if I'll see her again some day- I don't know if there's a heaven where me & her both exist- and that uncertainty is enough to drive me crazy. I don't know how to keep going after this. I don't know how long this grief is going to last and it's poisoned every minute of every day, making me totally unable to function.

I can't stop wondering if she was in pain. 

I can't stop wondering that maybe if I took her odd behavior more seriously (two urinary accidents the day of, which wasn't a new issue with her) I could have prevented this. 

She had past behavioral issues with peeing outside the litterbox & physical issues were ruled out, which is why I didn't take it seriously when she peed in the house that morning. I thought it was behavioral. I thought it was just stress. I had no idea it could have meant anything different.

The thought of getting a memorial for her is too painful- I don't want the physical reminder of her finality. I have another cat I've been snuggling furiously in the meantime. I'll be getting her ashes back in a week or so. I didn't really want to, but her final resting place belongs with me no matter what. 

Remembering the happy times is still too raw and emotional. I can't bring myself to talk about her in person to anyone- I start bawling immediately. My poor baby. My poor sweet baby.

Why did it have to end like this. I feel like there's a split timeline now- this nightmare one where she's gone, and literally every other possibility of outcome where she could have been saved. Why is THIS the one I'm living in. 

Ghatten

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Posts: 1,821
 #2 
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't say what happened - hopefully the pathology results will do that. I was keeping my niece's cat for her and he passed away suddenly while I was out grocery shopping, and I was horrified. All the what ifs, what did I miss, and what if what ever killed him will harm my cats? He was only 8, like you I felt a need for answers so I had a full report done. It turned out he had an enlarged heart from cardiomyopathy and it was actually very strange he had (in their opinion) lived past the age of 2. It helped knowing there was nothing I could have done, but loosing him, especially so suddenly, still hurt. Come here and go to the chat room, talk with the others here - they get it, and allow yourself to both grieve and heal. I can from experience tell you the it hurts just as bad when you see it coming, it is sudden, or however it happens. They are pure love wrapped in fur, loosing that hurts.
My_Buddy515

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Posts: 57
 #3 
I am so very sorry for your great loss. I went through similar grief after losing my fur baby last June. Because his anniversary was the 15th of June, the wounds reopened. I cried, I grieve/grieved awfully. It was all consuming. I didn’t have a moments peace. Until we had recd his remains. Having a memorial helps. I could not stop rehashing every step we made. My bil said it would take 4 months and the grief should ease up some. Well it took much longer. I could not take up his water fountain, food, toys...his illness was sudden. Giving him meds fealt like we were traumatizing to him. We did everything in our power to make him comfortable. We had to decide to have him put to sleep that or he would have a stroke or heart attack within a month. From the moment we discovered he was so sick he was getting weaker. We decided with our vet to bring him in not in crisis but when he was still due to exhaustion.

The grief is normal. We had our boy 9 years. He was our everything and then some. I prayed for relief. I did not feel any comfort. I cried everywhere. I’m crying now remembering. It’s horrible. Talking to people who understand helps to know you are not alone in your grief.

I hope to see him in heaven, my dreams, I keep waiting for a sign from him. We cant adopt again and go thru this agony again. I hope you get some relief soon.


Hugs,

Jackie
Pwazbinski

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #4 
Hi...I'm so sorry you kitty passed at only 3 years old. Just know that we are out hete to support you and understand the deep pain the unanswered questions of why and the feeling of guilt asking yourself what did I do wrong. We understand and we are hete to hold and carry you in your grief..I lost my beloved male cat pharaoh 3 months ago to cancer..sltjough I knew it was coming I was devistated when I came home and found him dead in his bed...I had to do a long weekend shift at my job the day after I found pharaoh.. through the night shift I thought I would die from grief. Ni told no one at work but suffered alone in a sea of unbearable pain...there is a big window near my desk I thought about just opening the window and jumping the 6 stories to my death to end the agony of losing pharaoh...but I couldn't do it...that would have dissappointed pharaoh he was love and about love... So if it's any help we are here and we understand.. please write in a grief journal...I'm trying too and my love goes out to everybody who is grieving...the loss of their precious pets I still didn't do pharaoh's memorial but I will...timr in eternity doesn't matter anyway it will be 3 months my baby had been gone July 12...!...be..brave just take it day by day pam....
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