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Charlottea

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Posts: 1
 #1 
Hi, I’m new to anything like this
I lost my 12 year old (almost 13 next month) Golden retreiver yesterday and I cannot cope with the grief and hurt I am beside myself and I feel so guilty for letting him go at the vets
My boys mobilty was quite rapidly declining where he couldn’t go for walks anymore, he then couldn’t stand up for long, laid down instead, he kept having tipples over, after checknup at the vets it was confirmed his muscle was declining, my boy was on you move 3 x daily, metacam, and pardale for pain repeat, on Sunday night I noticed he was retching, like a dry cough and was worried then he had the runs and wasn’t interested in going out to the garden, he just laid their looking helpless and unwell so I took him to the vets the next morning right away, after a check up the vet said it looked like he could have heart failure hence the breathing problems in the past few days, and retching noises he was making, they told me heybcould transfer him to anger vet for a heart scan however it would probably end in more medication or an operation, which at 12 years old was not ideal, I came to the hardest decision on my life and agreed with euthanasia, I was beside myself when it happened I couldn’t stay with him I had to leave the room however the kind last at reception gave him cuddles, he was laid down at this point.
I am absolutely devastated and now and full of regret thinking I made the wrong decision , as the vet did offer me to transfer him to another vet to stay overnight under observation to give me more time however at the time I didn’t want him in the hospital overnight worried where his family where, I also think I could of brought him home as he was still able to get up and walk to the garden, I feel awful and can’t cope with the decision I have made. please help please help
ChristinaofTX

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Posts: 19
 #2 
Charlottea -- I am so so sorry for your loss.   I can tell you that it is common for guilt and second guessing to be part of this experience.     I am experiencing it too - no matter how clear it seemed at the time, no matter what the vet said, no matter how much I saw my cat suffer (and in the past my mother inlaws dog) ... our minds try to make sense out of what is very devastating to us ... and blame (self blame) seems common although I am working at telling myself that I did the best I could ... and reading the intro here that someone wrote REALLY helped me.  
All I can tell you is what is helping me right now.   My cat, Tony, I had or chose to have him put down last Thursday -- so it has been almost one week.  
I have found myself extremely distraught.    So, I got online and found this place.   You've done that too so I know you're looking for support & you found it.   I'm new here too and have been met with kindness and support.
I also looked for a book and ordered it - it came today - about pet loss specifically loss of a cat in my case.   Before that I dug back into hospice pamphlets I got at the time my father died -- and those gave me SO MUCH relief and comfort to read.   Honestly, this loss of my cat - who was like a baby to me really for 13 years -- feels more painful than human losses I have endured and not because I didn't love the people.   There is just something so innocent about our animals.
I called my counselor - I have an appointment soon.   I went and bought a picture frame for my favorite picture of Tony.   I have gathered a few little things to put near his picture - some favorite rocks of mine and other pictures.  
This is a real loss for you - and grieving is appropriate and necessary.  
Reading your post I can feel the love and care you have for your dog and I believe with all my heart you made the best possible choice you could.    I also think it's natural to look back and have the doubt and self blame.   I think that will shift and you will feel better about your impossible choice eventually.   I say impossible because -- it is SO HARD and I know that.   One of the vet techs helped me by telling me that there is usually something in our hearts that just helps us do the right thing no matter how hard it is on US.  
I just wish you comfort and peace.   I think you will find it tiny bits at a time.   Read whatever you can that will help you, seek counseling if you need it, memorialize your dog anyway you can & try to be compassionate toward yourself.   What would you say to your ... best friend or daughter or sister or someone close to you if they came and told you they had been thru what you have just been thru.   We are often hardest on ourselves.   May you heal and find peace!!!!  My thoughts are with you!!!!
~Chris~
twinkiesmom

Registered:
Posts: 837
 #3 
I am so very sorry for your loss. I have had to make the decision many times to let my pets go and I would rather do it one day to soon than one hour too late. When they pass we always second guess ourselves, blaming ourselves for something that there simply is no blame for. I have always heard dogs live in the moment. A good meal, a yummy treat, a walk, just being with the people they love is bliss for them. You gave all that to him and more. I think you did exactly the right thing and now your heart is breaking and the words I am sorry just aren't enough. You are among friends here, we have all felt as you do and I hope you will be helped as I was the first time I came here. Lean on us, be gentle with yourself and in time I believe your tears will lessen and thoughts of your good boy will bring smiles. God bless you.

Marsha
Always__there

Registered:
Posts: 123
 #4 
Hello Charlottea,
I am deeply saddened by the loss of your beloved Golden retriever, 13 years. Twinklesmom and Christina have laid it out in excellente form and I could not have said it any better ! Having lost my own beloved chihuahua, 1 mo, age 16yrs. I, like the rest of US, we are all devastated beyond belief. One never really knows just HOW one is going to be affected by the loss of. Yes, you made the correct decision and as mentioned, I, too agree with the '' one day sooner THAN one hour too late. Letting go is never easy and I speak for myself, my wee man was my CONSTANT COMPANION and I mean CONSTANT, going through Life, a GOOD LIFE and then the twilight years, taking on a different interpretation. Yes, Our pets leave our lives BUT not our HEARTS. Know, you are not alone, take it a step at a time. What does help I find is, my chihuahuas possessions, keep them near, and do light a daily candle near his photo. Peace to You in going forward. Thinking of You.
                                     Sherry/Perryxx
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