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gnadec

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #1 

We lost our precious 2 y.o. chihuahua Sushi one week ago. I can't believe she is gone. I wish so badly that we could have her back. 

She was a healthy robust girl until Friday afternoon. We've all had dogs skip a meal here & there, so I just gave her time to feel bettr. She layed with me for most of the morning Sat, but by around 2pm she was laying at the end of the couch which she never does. I decided she was just too listless for me and took her to the emergency vet. He said it sounded like she had some congestion, gave her a couple shots and 2 meds to take home and had me get some pedialight to get some glucose and hydration in her. I gave her a little of the pedialight and let her sleep off her shots. A few hours later I tried to give her a little more pedialight and she would just let it run out the other side of her mouth. I took her back to the vet, because she wasn't being very responsive at all.

When I got to the vet, their power was out. A different vet was on-call and he wanted to run blood work and take xrays, which of course need electricity. In the meantime they started an IV, and had a really hard time getting a vein (ended up in her neck). Her temp was also low, so they wrapped her in a towel w/ warm water bags on her tummy & back.

The power finally came on and they did their work. Blood looked ok, a couple variations but not too bad. But her xray was bad. Her tummy was 3 times too big. I called my husband who was out of town hunting & we agreed to have surgery done. She had what turns out to be a pistachio nut still in its hull. It was in her lower intestine and had done a lot of damage. The vet called me to warn me that she only had a 10-20% chance of making it. I told him to try! He had to remove 6 inches of intestine and reattach it. He called me when it was over and said the suirgery went better than he thought it would. I called them at 7 Sat morning to see how she did. He said she came out of anestesia ok, but was never able to start sitting up or paying attention. About 1am she crashed and she passed away about 3am.

Of course when something like this happens, we go into guilt mode, and in hind sight, so many things make sense now. Why all of a sudden she looked like she gained weight, why all of a sudden she was being such a pain about going outside (we thought it was the damn mosquitos), why she's been throwing up a little tummy juice almost every afternoon (we thought she was just "starving to death" 'cuz it was almost supper time.) How stupid can we be? No one who doesn't have a problem throws up almost everyday!! I feel like we failed her completely.

It's a week later and I can't stop obsessing about it. The more I think about it, the I see more signs I missed that I should've taken her to the vet. I should've taken her straight
back to the vet when she wouldn't come out of the kennel on her own after the first visit.

I just cannot imagine WHAT I WAS THINKING, to just let her lay around all day. My husband didn't think to take her in for her almost daily vomiting, and the 1st VET missed the real cause of trouble, so why am *I* the only one I think needs to suffer? I also can't get the images of my poor girl on her last day out of my head. My beautiful girl, with an IV in her neck, hot water bottles and bloody diarreah. Oh, my God. The look in her eyes when I was trying to soothe her while they ran the blood test.

Knowing I've learned a valuable lesson that may benefit my 2 other dogs one day, doesn't help. Knowing that all of this anguish and self-inflicted suffering won't bring her back doesn't help, but I can't seem to stop.

Knowing that Sushi wouldn't want us to be so sad, or me to be so incredibly hard on myself doesn't help.

I miss her so bad and I just can't stop thinking about it and wishing I had it to do over again so I could have her back. I made the mistake of talking w/ my regular vet who said if we'd caught it in time she may have done pretty well. That did NOT make me feel any better.

The people in my life who I can talk to, either are not pet people, or have lost human children, so I feel bad for carrying on so much for a dog.

Guess I'm finally talked out for now. Thank you for reading and for any thoughts you care to share.
 

MegansMum

Registered:
Posts: 72
 #2 
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Sushi. I know how you feel about having "failed" her. I feel I failed my Megan by not keeping her safer as we had to have her put to sleep after a car hit her. Through time and lots of support from this site I have come to understand that although I may always "feel" like I let her down, that I would never knowingly have done so, and would have done everything in my power to change events had I known. Guilt has been one of the worst parts of grief for me. It has eased slightly now. Now I feel more sad than guilty. Rollercoaster is such an accurate word to describe grief.  

Maybe Megan and Sushi are playing together now.
leonor

Registered:
Posts: 214
 #3 
I am so sorry that your precious Sushi had an accident and didn't make it. I know exactly how you feel... And she was young too. I lost my baby girl, Sashimi, to an accident, 5 months ago. She was five years old and healthy. She fell from the balcony where I used to let her go. I still feel very guilty but I try to see it as an accident every chance I get. It's a long and harsh suffering road, that of grieving for the loss of a pet, to those who love them completely like I know you loved Sushi. She loves you too. She knows you did all you could. She never doubted that. She didn't know what was wrong with her either, how could you? Wouldn't you "forgive" Sushi if it were the other way around? Of course you would, you loved her! You know she wouldn't want anything bad happening to you. You need to let yourself grieve and cry. Come here and talk about your feelings. We are all going through the same. We understand and will never think you're overreacting, simply because you are not. Be gentle with yourself. You loved Sushi and she knew that.

Wishing you comfort. *
Leonor
gnadec

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #4 
Thank you, MegansMum and Leonor for your kind, comforting words. You are both spot-on about reminding myself that it was an accident and that I would have done anything for her. I need to take that to heart, because no matter how bad my self-talk and guilt is, I can't have her back in this lifetime. Guilt has been the worst of this grief process for me as well. I can think of something funny Sushi would do, smile at it, but instantly go into "WHY COULDN'T I HAVE SAVED HER?!?!" It's all just so sad and heartbreaking.
I am sorry to hear of your losses as well. Thank you for reaching out to me.
I wish all of us peace and fond memories of our lost loves.
LukesDad

Registered:
Posts: 564
 #5 
I'm so sorry for your loss!  One of the things that I've found out about those of us who share our painful stories on this forum is the whole "If only..." business!  It must surely be a common aspect of our deep grieving.....if only I'd have done things differently, my precious babies would still be with me.

I lost both of my beloved Siberian Huskies in July of this year, three weeks to the day apart.  They were 13 and 12 years old (Luke and Lil).  Luke had struggled with diabetes for the last 3 years of his life, but actually did very well with insulin, change in diet and exercise.  It has always looked as though my sweet Lil would live forever......never sick a day in her life!  In early June, I noticed that Lil's water was starting to get a little cloudy.  She has had a tendency to "hack" much of her life, so I never paid attention.  In mid-June, she started walking with a little tilt to her head and having some balance problems.  I decided to take her to the vet shortly thereafter, thinking she likely had an inner ear infection and I could get that cleared up with some antibiotics.  Long story short, the vet found a mass on the side of her neck, which had been hidden by her thick coat.  After x-rays, he informed me that she had advanced lymphoma, and only a few weeks at best.  I felt my heart break in two!  She was put on comfort medication and sent home with me.

When we got home, my Luke clearly sensed something was wrong with his little buddy....she had never been away from his side the whole 12 years I had her.  He stopped eating, which threw his diabetes out of whack very quickly, and no matter what I did, I couldn't bring him back.  A week and a half later, I needed to release him from his pain.  3 weeks later, my Lil left me.

If only I'd have paid more attention to the cloudy water.  That should've been a sign.  If only I'd have brought her in as soon as I saw her tilting head and loss of balance!  If only, if only, if only!!!!

The thing that keeps me going is that I know my dogs loved me very much, and I surely lived for them!  I would give almost anything to have them back healthy again, just even for a day.  Today is the 11 week and 8 week anniversary of their passings, and Mondays are always the most difficult day for me now.  It does get less raw with time, but I believe that I will probably be asking the "If only..." questions for the rest of my life.

May God comfort you during your "If only."s, and remember that your little one surely will always love you, and that you will be reunited in joy some day!  LukeAndLilsDad  (Rick)
scruffy

Registered:
Posts: 89
 #6 
You did what you thought was right at the time. And that's all anybody can do. Sushi knows you loved her. She felt your love while you were with her during her final hours. She took with her to the Bridge the love you shared with her.  Your love for her is still with her. And her love for you is still with you, and it will always be with you. 

I understand the "what if's" and "whys"and "coulda, shoulda" that you're feeling now. I'm experiencing those same feelings right now from the recent passing of my beloved "Miss Kitty" - those feelings hurt. I know how you feel. The thing to try and remember is you did what you thought was the right thing to do. And that's all that anybody can do. Sushi is grateful to you for the way you tried to help her.

Sincerely,
David
Miss Kitty's friend
River

Registered:
Posts: 262
 #7 
I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. I know that nothing can really help you right now. The shock of losing your beloved baby so suddenly and unexpectedly just intensifies the pain of loss.You are firmly in the grip of your grief. I would never have imagined that a pistachio nut could cause such a tragedy. How could you know either. I would have responded to her symptoms the very same way that you did. None of those symptoms would lead anyone to think they would lead to the catastrophic outcome that they did. The important thing to remember is that you did everything in your power to save her and that is all that anyone can do. I'm surprised your vet made the unhelpful comment that had she gotten help sooner, her chances of surviving would have been better. You have suffered a profound loss and you need to try to be kind to yourself. I hope your heart soon begins to heal.

 
Darian

Registered:
Posts: 282
 #8 

gnadec,  your post could have been written by me.  I took my little guy Captain in to the vet 5 days before he died. His only symptom was that he looked dazed and he wouldn't bend his  neck, even if there was chicken on the floor.  The vet thought it was sprained back.  A few days later there were more symptoms - drooling and walking unsteady.  I took him for his x-ray appointment on the Tuesday and the vet said "let's wait to deal with these other symptoms until the x-rays come back".   Captain died on our living room floor that evening.  We bawled, hated ourselves, hated the vet, and I kept saying to my husband "What was I thinking???  Why did I accept what the vet said?  Why didn't I take him sooner?"    My husband said " Captain was a part of our daily lives,  we were living, taking care of him, the vet's the professional so we trusted him and plus we didn't really want to believe he was deathly sick".    We have to remember that we did our best.  Hindsight is not perfect vision - it's clouded.  In hindsight I can remember other symptoms I "should" have recognized.  My little guy threw up too - but during his 4 short years he threw up many other times, when it only meant he'd eaten something and then ran around too much.   And your vet had absolutely no right to tell you that if you'd caught it earlier it could have gone well.  Absolutely no right!   He is also using hindsight and I suspect he's trying to make you have more confidence in his ability.  You went to great lengths to save Sushi.  Dogs really have an instinct to let  nature take it's course.  She's at peace and we have to let the guilt go.  Instead of carrying the guilt, try carrying what she would want you to - the warmth of her love.

gnadec

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #9 
Thank you all so much for your posts, everyone. It really is a comfort to know I'm not alone in the pain we feel for our lost babies. I am sorry for you, too, about your losses.

Does anyone have thoughts about how not to have her on my mind first thing in the morning? My boss has been extremely patient, but I can't go on crying at work everyday!

I'm also having trouble getting past the "I wish I could have her back, I wish I could have her back!!" :o(  I loved her SO much, I just can't believe she is gone. It's so messed up.

I know I will miss her forever, and I know it will take time for the pain to ease, but I think "I wish I could have her back" - "I wish I could do it over and do it right this time" - "It isn't fair, she was MY dog!" is only going to keep me from making progress working through my grief. Man I miss her something fierce. She was an amazing little girl. So much fun. At least we do know we truly enjoyed every minute with her.
Darian

Registered:
Posts: 282
 #10 

And she enjoyed every minute with you.  I did the "I wish, I wish"  for far too long. Many weeks.  Something I found that worked is to change my routine.  I used to get up in the morning and lounge, spend time with Captain and eat a leisurely breakfast with him on my lap.  Now I changed it all up - get right into the shower, do the dishes, get to work earlier. Changing all of my routine seemed to help because his absence wasn't the only thing different :(

LabMom

Registered:
Posts: 233
 #11 
I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious Sushi. I know right now it feels like you will NEVER get past this painful stage, but you will. The big hole in your heart will fill up with love and memories and you will come to realize that she is still with you. She always will be, so long as you remember her. I can remember holding a pillow over my face, so as not to scare the neighbors, and screaming GIVE ME BACK MY DOG until I was hoarse. Fast forward eight months and now I have a pup, so much like her that I sometimes slip and call her Molly. So, in a way, I did get my dog back. Not in the way I wanted when we lost her, but her spirit is with me and will always be. Give it time and be gentle with yourself. Hugs, Anne
gnadec

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #12 

Thank you all again. Your messages are helping a lot today. We'll see what tomorrow brings, eh? :o( 

Here is a picture of my lovely girl. Oh she was such a joy. It's such a shame her beautiful life got cut short. We didn't have nearly enough time together.


- - Edited to remove picture.  Too soon to see her sweet face. - -



fostersmommy

Registered:
Posts: 893
 #13 
Awww honey, hindsight is 20/20.  You took her to the vet when you noticed that she just wasn't as right as she should be.  If we obsesssed about every symptom that doesn't seem like much and then ends up being something...we would all be in the looney bin.
You did everything that you could with the knowledge that you had at the time.  You are a great parent and don't forget that.
We all look back when our friends die and wish we would have done more.  You will get to a point where you don't think of that all the time.  You did the best that you could.
Mare

Registered:
Posts: 11,059
 #14 
Sushi is so precious and I am so sorry that she has passed on.  Her picture is totally precious!!  It is hard when you feel guilt from her loss and all of us here certainly understand that.  Even when your pet has a longer illness, you still feel you could have done more or caught it earlier so they would still be here. My heart goes out to you and I understand what you're going through.  Sushi will be your first thought every morning for months on end.  My boy has been gone for two years now and I still wake up each morning thinking about him.  Our pets mean the world to us.  Your little one is at the bridge and making many new friends.  She has that kind of personality!!  I will keep you in my prayers as you mourn the loss of your darling girl.

Mare
precious Christoph ~ 2 years at the bridge ~

gnadec

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #15 
I'm having a hard time this morning. I miss Sushi so much I can't even express how bad I feel.

She would always wait for me outside the bedroom door in the mornings. The others would run over for "good morning" pets, but Sushi barely let me get out the door. She had to wait 'til last 'cuz she would get picked up and carried around the kitchen. :o) She's the only one who really liked to be held and carried. I miss that so much.

I remember all of the great things about her and I'm grateful we had her as our own.
I work at a retirement apartment complex, and I actually bought her from a resident here who just didn't bond with her (how could she NOT?!?). I'd be playing with and enjoying the heck out of Sushi & I'd comment to my hubby, "We stole this dog from an old lady...." and he'd say "No we didn't, we paid for her FAIR AND SQUARE!"

I so wish it could've turned out differently. We miss our girl. We love you, boochie.


MegansMum

Registered:
Posts: 72
 #16 
Hi again. Thanks for commenting on my thread, I followed your link here. I think we can relate to each other because our babies were both young when they died. I am not saying that it is any less painful for anyone who loses their pet at an old age but Megan's youth is one of the major upsetting points to me.

Sushi is just so adorable in that pic. I have a wondeful image of you carrying her around while getting your breakfast, and I can imagine her happiness and contentness at being held. We must try to take comfort that our babies knew great love during their short lives, and many many happy times. I also try to remember that furbabies do not know about getting old and bodies wearing down before a natural death from old age, so Megan might not know that she died too young, she might just think that that was her whole life, that that is what everybody gets, and that way she might not feel let down. I dont think I explained that very well.

Hugs xx
Fionasmum

Registered:
Posts: 730
 #17 
Sushi is simply gorgeous.  I am so sorry for your loss.  Our little dog Fiona died July 20th this year from a tumour on her heart that had been there growing for about a year according to our vet.  Fiona had no symptoms and the vet told us there was absolutely nothing we could have done even if we had known.  Fiona was just 8 years old and it was literally the last day of her life when we noticed anything was wrong and she was having trouble breathing.

It's hard every day. I still cry each day for the loss of this beautiful little dog who shared our life for these few short years.  I wanted more, expected more, needed more and cannot believe that she was taken after what seemed like too short a time.

What helps me, along with the beautiful messages of comfort and sharing from the people on this board, is the knowledge that Fiona was so LOVED and so necessary to our lives.  It is not possible that she did not know this truth. 

Sushi was happy, she was adored by you, and she knew what it was to have a life filled with that care and attention you gave her.  The length of her life, and Fiona's, ceases to become important compared to the quality of love that they had. 

Like you, I wish I could have had much more time with my beloved little friend. Like you, the 'what if's' are so painful.

Although Sushi and Fiona, and many of the precious pets who we meet through this board, were destined to have a brief time on this earth, I thank God that the time they had was spent with such loving people.

Please take care of yourself and if you feel like crying just remember that Sushi is worth those tears, no matter what anyone else thinks. 
gnadec

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #18 

Thank you for your replies...

I am trying to focus on how much we loved each other and how much fun we had, but I miss her so much. Especially when I'm lying on my couch where she was lying when she was sick. Makes me hate myself for that day all over again.

I thought I was making progress with letting go of my guilty feelings, but it seems they were still simmering.

Can't stop remembering the terrible noise she made the last 2 times she tried to throw up. She'd never made that noise before when throwing up, but I just petted her, told she was ok to calm her, and went & fixed dinner! Ate dinner, then I picked her up to hold her a bit, and made a  terrible groan. I layed with her on my chest while I watched the last bit of a movie! She stayed there... she NEVER liked to lay on my chest. It was then that I tried to give her more pedialight and noticed how very unresponsive she was. :o( My heart breaks all over again.

Guilt guilt guilt. It won't bring her back, yet I keep sliding back into it.

I've had to remove her picture from here, it is too soon to see her sweet face every time I post.

Thank you for listening. I am thinking of you guys as we all work through our losses.

gnadec

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #19 
Hi again,

I was too wrapped up in my afternoon guilt trip, that I forgot to thank you both, Megansmum & Fionasmum, for your thoughts:

"I also try to remember that furbabies do not know about getting old and bodies wearing down before a natural death from old age, so Megan might not know that she died too young, she might just think that that was her whole life, that that is what everybody gets, and that way she might not feel let down."

"Although Sushi and Fiona, and many of the precious pets who we meet through this board, were destined to have a brief time on this earth, I thank God that the time they had was spent with such loving people."
 
These are comforting thoughts. Even thought I miss Sushi terribly and wish I could have saved her, at least I do know she had a wonderful life and was loved beyond measure.

 
 
forwardbox_2000

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #20 
Hi gnadec,

How I sorrow with you!  I'm also new here...and my kitty passed away four months ago.  He always loved to eat plastic...and I told the vet that repeatedly and asked for advice...and was told to simply keep it away from him.  The night before he got really sick he ate a piece of plastic that was in the trashcan...but threw it all up.  That was fairly normal behavior...but then it progressed into throwing everything up, food and water couldn't stay down.  I brought him to the vet, who did a series of barium x-rays and told me there was no blockage...but he didn't improve.  That led to taking him to the emergency vet, who thought maybe there was a cut in his esophagus...and after an endoscope and more xrays, nothing.  He kept getting worse and worse and had no interest in food or water.  No one knew what was wrong...we eventually put a feeding tube in, hoping it would spur his appetite.  Then his liver began to fail.  He was so skinny and yellow in the ears and face.  My heart breaks all over again every time I think of our last vet visit.  I knew it was the end that morning...I woke up early and just knew.  I cried and cried over him as the vet gave him the euthanasia shot...it didn't work right again, so she gave another.  He was gasping and trying to cry out, but was too weak.  She eventually had to take him in the back room and administer a dose directly into his heart.  I couldn't fix him...I couldn't help him...I feel the same guilt you feel.  He was scared and I wasn't there for him when he had to spend the night at the vet.  It's been four months and yes...it does get easier...but not when you hold it in.  That's why I'm here now...trying to work through more of the pain.  I'm so sorry for your little Sushi...we'll work through this together, ok?
Darian

Registered:
Posts: 282
 #21 
It was completely understandable for you to pet and console Sushi when she was vomiting and to feel that that was all she needed. I have done the same with mine many times. Of course you made dinner and then snuggled with her.  And even if her behaviour was different,  you're not to blame for not suspecting she was ill.  Everything is out of context now.  You are able to focus completely on the issues, but at the time it was just another day of many.   I also beat myself up for not noticing that Captain seemed quiet and lethargic. But how could we know these were significant signs? We know now,  but it's not fair to judge ourselves now that we know what was going on.  You took great care of her.  I, like you, beat myself up even though my husband and a vet were also involved in his care.  Why are we so hard on ourselves, yet forgive others so easily?  I'm sorry you had to take down her picture.  I gasped the first time I put Captain's up on here.  Just "ugh!" because I couldn't believe his photo belonged here, a place for pets at rainbow bridge.  Now I keep a print out of his photo on our dining room table. It makes me feel like he's with us while we're eating and watching t.v.  I am shocked that it makes me feel good, but it does.  And one day you may feel the same.   
gnadec

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #22 
Thank you for your replies. I'm sorry for the loss of your kitty, forwardbox 2000. Darian, I am glad to read of the progress you're making.

At just two weeks after losing Sushi, we decided we were hurting too bad in this quiet "empty" house. We do have 1 cat & 2 other dogs, but they are very mellow and sleep a lot. We needed someone who wanted to bounce around.

We went to look at a black & white 7 week old chihuahua and came home with her and her sister who is "blue" (grey). As cute as they are, it is very bitter-sweet.

We got them Thurs evening, my hubby left yesterday to go hunting and here I sit with them all by myself, trying to get through the 2nd week mark of losing my girl. >:o[ (That's my mad face)

I was sitting outside, & the pups were playing in the grass, but I still felt like crying. You know you're broken hearted when you wanna cry while watching puppies play!! And it happened again later while they were sleeping on me, so I came in to get on the computer & look at the picture book I had made of Sushi. Figure I need to have a release before hubby comes home tomorrow.

I'm feeling like I'm already forgetting her, but I'm telling myself I've just buried it a little for now, 'cuz I really was feeling like I was having a nervous breakdown. :o(

She was my heart, and you are right, all of this pain and these tears are worth it. She was worth every second, and I know she would want us to give more dogs a good home too.

River

Registered:
Posts: 262
 #23 
You aren't burying Sushi or forgetting her, you are putting your sorrow aside and taking much needed breaks from your grief to enjoy your new babies. It is perfectly ok and very normal. You will always love and miss her. In time, the pain will lessen, but you will never forget her. 

We brought a new puppy home 9 days after River was killed and another 3 months later. The mix of emotions is wild. One moment, you are crying your eyes out and the next you are laughing at the antics of a new puppy, or two in your case, and wondering at the same time if you can ever love them the same way. It even crossed my mind to will myself not to love my pups the same way, not out of fear of disloyalty, but out of fear of the pain of losing them too some day, hopefully far into the future. I have decided that we really don't have that much say in the matter. It seems almost as suddenly and unexpectedly, you wake up one day with a love as deep and a bond as strong for them as you have for the little one that was lost to you. 

I hope that your new little ones will continue to help ease the pain of your loss and your broken heart soon begins to heal.
twinkiesmom

Registered:
Posts: 844
 #24 
I am so very sorry for your loss of your Sushi.  I think we all blame ourselves no matter what happens when in truth we do everything we can to protect our babies.

Several years ago my daughter's kitty Bailey swallowed a needle and thread.  The day that the vet surgically removed these items he did the same surgery on another kitty.  Bailey survived, the other kitty did not.  What I am trying to say is that even if your vet had found the obstruction within a matter of hours, sadly the outcome might have been the same.

These precious little beings are notoriously nosey.  And they will try to eat anything that is not nailed down.  (I once had a golden retriever who tried to eat part of a wall.)  We simply cannot watch them every minute.

I know how hard it is remembering Sushi's last days.  But Sushi loved you every minute of every day and those are the memories she took with her as she went to Rainbow Bridge.  Try and remember the happy times you shared with her and know that she will always be in your heart as you are in hers.

God bless you and help your hurting heart to heal.

Twinkiesmom
gnadec

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #25 
Thank you again for your replies. The new puppies are doing well. They are a nice distraction, and I'm doing better during the day. But I am SO ready to not be sad in the mornings and at bedtime. :o(  I know it will take time, but I am exhausted from the grief, as I'm sure you can all relate. I miss her, miss her, miss her!!!

We are having trouble naming the puppies. We've always taken a long time to settle on names, but this time it's irritating me. If anyone feels up to it, I would love some suggestions. They are 7 week old female chihuahua's, one black & white & tiny; the other is "blue" (grey) with a white spot on her chest.

I hope you all are doing alright...


River

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Posts: 262
 #26 
Mine are all boys, so it's fun to think of girls names. If I had a girl, I would name her Willow. There are other names I have heard that I really like too, I just can't think of them at the moment.
gnadec

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #27 

I am going through a re-newed round of guilt and sadness over losing Sushi. I don't expect to be over it this soon, but I do expect to not have it hit me like a truck every stinking morning and at bedtime. I remind myself it was an accident and that I'm not the only one who should've known something was wrong sooner, but I just keep beating myself up. I miss her so bad it hurts. I'm so very tired from the heavy emotions of it all. I just can't accept that I'll never see her again. I loved her so much.

The 2 new puppies make my husband happy and are helping him heal, but I am having a hard time with it. A cute and sweet as they are, I can be holding them while they nap and many times I'll look at them and think "You're not supposed to be here! SUSHI is!!!" I know Sushi has only been gone 3 weeks, and we've only had the pups 1 week, but I can barely look at them without automatically remembering Sushi's loss is the only reason they are with us.  

Our 10 y.o. chi mix had to go to the vet last week w/ bloody diarreah. :o( Vet said she has colitis and asked if there were any changes in the house. I told her about Sushi and said I don't know that Buttercup cared 'cuz she didn't like her anyway. Later it dawned on me that, oh... changes? How about The Mama crying at the top of her lungs every morning before work? That's New! :o(  My hubby pointed out that we've both been miserable and of course that's going to upset her. And now we have the new puppies. That's not helping her... She got a week of pills and it went away, last night it started again. We fed her some plain rice for dinner and she seems better this morning. We'll keep a close eye on it and do a better job of keeping the puppies from her a bit. They are really taken with her. She runs away from them, but they think she's playing. She will go to her kennel, but she shouldn't have to stay in there just because of them.

The pups are names Zoey for the grey one and Petals for the black & white one. I'm not thrilled with the names, but they're the ones we like best so far and we're running out of ideas. Bah. If anyone has suggestions, we're still open to them! 

Thanks for listening again....

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