Registered: 1509681063 Posts: 10
I lost my Beloved dog, Atlas all suddenly on very early Morning at 3:15 am on early morning of October 31, 2017. ( two days ago). He was only 7 and half years old. His breed was Bedlington Terriers. He and I have the most amazing bonding. We were able to read each other' body cues and language. Mind you, I am deaf and I communicated with Atlas through sign language, verbal, and hand signals. Atlas had been sick on and off for past three to two months. I dearly missed him very much. I feel like my world ended when I found out that he went into the Cardiac arrest at Emergency services. At Veterinary hospital. I bought him in Alive and he was very weak. I wanted him to get some help. He lifted his head when I stepped away from the table. So I can communicate with Vet about him by writing what happened and give them all information about his issues and medicines etc. Vet tech. Stepped in and hold him. He kept his eyes on me whole time. Then he relaxed and rested his head on table. I petted his head and told him that he is good boy...
He moved his eyelids and looked at me. I was starting panicking inside but try to keep it together.. they took him away to run the test.. I smooched him. He had his head up then I waited three to four hours in exam room with my dad. We chatting and try keep each other awake. Vet came back and told me they checked the results and all.. they find his case most odd case.. they recommended that he stay overnight and get supportive care and see specialist. I said okay and the cost was oh my... but I went ahead.. I just cannot let him down. I wanted him to get better. They said they are pretty sure he can survive through this... I said okay. They got paperworks going. I was hesitating at one point when they asked me about do cpr on dog if needed to. I put down as yes... then all were done. They asked me if I wanted to see him one more before I go home . I was ehh and something told me to say yes. So I said yes. They bought him back. They wrapped him with red plaid woolen blanket with blue towel to keep him warm. He was so exhausted and weak. He looked at me. I said I love you to him. I started cried and I said you will be okay, be strong, you can fight this. He gave me that look. Then he looked straight out then he seized up up by stiff his body. His mouth opened up and it seem like he was in pain or tried to gagging. I petted him . He relaxed again. He was exhausted. Vet tech wrapped him up again and picked him up. His head was stuck and I reposition his head.. so I can petting him and smooched on his head. He looked at us... my dad petted him and kissed him too. I packed my stuff up and told my dad that I needed to use bathroom. My heart became painful and I cried hard. I tried to pray hard for Atlas. I got outside of bathroom. Dad was on cellphone. He saw me and said I am so sorry! I am so sorry! Atlas 's heart stopped and he stopped breathing. They are do cpr on him. I just shocked and I dropped to chair and cried my head off. Vet came around. Told me that he is not responding to cpr.. I told them to keep going. They did for ten to fifteen minutes. My dad said I am so sorry and it's time to let him go but you only can say it.. I couldn't say it. I struggled to say that for few more minutes. My body and mind exploded and I said let him go. I hold my head and chewed on my coat. I sobbed so hard. They said that he passed away. I cried even hard. They asked me do I want to see him one more time. I cried and nodded. They bought me to special room. He was still warm when they bought him in.. but I could see that he was gone. I cried cried... my heart broken into million pieces. I petted him and kissed him. I said I am so sorry! I stayed with him for an hour and half. I took pictures of him and I cuddled with him, I could tell that he was truly gone by his body going thru the cycles, I wouldn't explain in this post... I was so angry at myself and I kept said damn it and why over again repeatly. I made him look like he was just sleeping. I took his final picture of him sleeping . My heart dropped down to floor.. my dad cried and kissed him and petted him. I was shaking and my nose was fountain.. my eyes were puffy and it was so hard to see.. I was soooo angry that he had to die like this way.. I said it's my fault for not bring him in early that his life could have been saved. Vet said no. I did everything right and I did my best. They are deeply sorry that he stopped breathing and his heart gave out. I had to said no autopsy because cost is outrageous and it wouldn't help me in any way... I had been looked up on few things. It could be Addison's disease and IMHA.. oh my god, my world ended when he passed away. Now, I m struggling get through day to day. I just want to crawl in my bed and go to sleep. I jus don't want to wake up. I wants to die. Atlas is my furkid and son. He is my huge companion.
Oh can I could going on without him. He and I have that damn amazing bond and we can tell if we are unwell, unhappy, in need of loving.. I miss him so much!!!! He cannot be gone! Poor Sugar.. she lost her second best friend in her lifetime.. both of them were best friends!
I cried hard when we left there.. mom was asleep until my dad woke her up to let her know what happened . She was shocked that we were at vet hospital with Atlas and he didn't make it. My mom cried so hard. My parents loved him so much too. atlas really did bright up the room when he walk in. He loved me so much that he rather to stay with me... my parents have Sugar and she prefer them over me. Atlas was my baby and he is gone. No no why do you have to leave so soon! This is incredible hard for me now. I want to send hugs to all of you! I hate that Dogs only get to live short life because they are sure pure innocent beings that they got to live such short life compared to other animals..
Atlas King Shadow Hurd
Love you, by Mommy Elizabeth
Registered: 1509681063 Posts: 10
Dogs are such incredible pure beings. If only some humans could take a lesson from them the world would be a much better place.- Trisha bond
Registered: 1498611382 Posts: 580
Atlas was a lucky dog to have you as a mommy. What a powerful bond and a deep love you shared. I am so sorry for your heart ache. It's truly one of the hardest things we have to do as Fur Parents is to say goodbye. I am sure he was telling you how much he loved in those final moments. Grieve your lose but try to remember that Atlas packed a lot of love into those years he shared with you, hold onto those. It will get easier but you will always have a hole in your heart.The pain you feel is the love you did share. I miss Termy everyday and always will but I am starting to recall the good times too. We had a good life for over 16 years but what I wouldn't give for one more day but I know that can't be and I will see him again at the Bridge when it's my time to join him.
Dogs are truly one of God's most wonderful creations. love and doggie hugs Termy's mom
Registered: 1509681063 Posts: 10
Thank you Terry's Mommy...
I was stay at home 24/7 when I first got Atlas so he had my attention all of the time for first 6 years of his life before I found part time job. I started became busy with my job. I recently got full time job that I will start on 20th this month. I was planning out carefully to make sure Atlas 'a schedule merged with new work schedule.. now, he is not go to be here... that crushed me even hard.. I had the plans of move out and take my furkid, Atlas with me... he was only 7 and half.. I thought he was going to outliving Sugar... Sugar is my parents' dog.. she is now 10 and half.. it is so hard... my heart is broken in million pieces. Atlas stolen huge piece of my heart/ soul when he left earth.
Now, I have to deal with his remains today to secure/ensure that he is still safe and not get disposed. I couldn't bring myself to arrange his remains.. now, it have been four days and I am so sad that he is gone and unreal... I m blaming myself a lot because I felt I could had gotten him help much earlier than wait and see if he was getting better on medicine. He wasn't. I got him to Emergency services and he didn't survived the " heart attack"/cardiac arrest"... that was horrible thing to see.. oh my god I have to go to work. .. 😪😣☹️ Hugs!
Registered: 1403126300 Posts: 377
Omg my god your story made me break into million pieces just by reading it :'( I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby Atlas please accept my most sincere sympathy. I thank you again for replying to my posting on the loss of my baby girl princess, and now I'm here reading yours it's just very heartbreaking that you are going through all these pain of losing your baby Atlas in the way you did. Please don't blame yourself for what had happen apparently their was nothing you could of done to save him. You were a great parent and you gave him your love and support in he's final moments when he most needed you I bet that meant so much to your baby. Even when he was in pain and suffering he was able to stay strong and lift he's little body up just to look at you and tell you he loved you. Poor little baby of yours it breaks my heart to even imagine the pain he went through on he's final moments. but be glad and happy that you were able to be there for your baby by keeping him strong even if it was only for seconds. I know that your baby Atlas is now resting in peace I know it hurts because I'm also going through a loss right now. But we have to keep moving forward right now it's just to soon for you to feel better because it's just days since you lost your baby. But I know that within time the memories that you had with your baby will soon turn into happy moments that you will treasure in your heart forever. I'm sending you a big warm hug and I'm just letting you know that you are not alone in your grief that I'm here next to you and understands what you are going through. take care. ~ Mayra ( Princess & Blanca's mom)
Registered: 1509681063 Posts: 10
Thank you , Bicana
It is very hard to get by.
I am very angry at myself.. I had been thinking about how could I have done better by get Atlas some help if he wasn't getting better after stopping his medicine since it was making him sick.. I had been retracting my steps and all.. I am so mad that I waited too long before I got him help. I wondered if I got him in to hospital earlier. Would he had survived this... I had been crying, shouting at myself, I actually punched myself...
I cannot believe it have been an week since He died of cardiac arrest. I cannot believe that I told Vet to let him go after 15 minutes of cpr and no responses.. I cannot believe that I saw him five minutes before he suffered Cardiac arrest. I watched him and he was watching us when vet tech took him back to where he was at to recover more.
I have been blaming myself and I just want disappear. I just to hit myself because Atlas was too weak to survive the hospitals assistance. All of the emotions are out on the floor with me. I bent my knees and shout and praying that Atlas forgive me.
I loved Atlas so much. I hope he will forgive me. I cannot forgive myself and allow myself to grieve normal. I feel like I am lousy mommy to him. I should had listen to my instincts that I should take him to be seen by other vet for second opinion instead of wait to see if he would recover from. All meds. I stopped his medicine on Wednesday , due to his reaction to meds. He started got better and he became worse on Sunday night. He didn't get to see emergency vet until Monday night before he passed away on tuesday early morning.
My god.. I hate myself. Seriously I had been having hard time to deal with his death and I wonder if it was preventable...
I hope he forgives me and god forgives me too for not get one of his most beautiful soul creature help earlier.
I cried cried and I cannot believe he died of cardiac arrest after hearing vets that he will be okay and surviving through this by stay overnight and get supportive care. It flipped over to completely different way. I was feeling relief by heat vet say yes. He should be okay... then. Find that he was not okay at all and his life was gone so fast that his body wouldn't responded to any of effort like cpr and meds to get his heart come back nor his breathing. It's like somebody stepped in and stolen his soul from his body.
Damn it, Atlas- I really hope you would forgive me. I don't think I will. I miss you and your wet nose sniffing me. I miss our secret communication way, I miss your ruff of curly fur. I miss your way of walking. I miss your way of look at me when I get home. Your greeting was so awesome that you sang with Sugar when I get home from work. I miss your tricks that I taught you. You was able to shake a paw when I asked you to. You was able to flip the bone and grab it by have bone on top of your snout. I miss that trick most! I miss our walks. I miss cuddling with you. I miss our play times. I miss your obsessing on the squeaky balls. I miss giving your favorite treats like Chicken, carrots, pumpkin, chicken jerky, blueberry flavored treats.
I missed to just call you out to get you come to me if I cannot find you. You knew I was not able to see you good so you made sure I could see you. You never stay mad at me long if I didn't pay attention to you on some days that I was too distracted by others. You took care of yourself hybnapoing, played with Sugar, played with the ball by yourself. I did took care of your needs. Everyday, I made sure you know I loved you and telling you are good boy. Give you scratches under chin and ears. You were best dog I ever had. You were my fur son and 4 legged best friend. I missed playing with you under the blankets like you would pounce on my hand under blanket... I will miss hold out the towel and ask you to come. You would run into the towel and I would play with you by rubbing and gently massaging but swaying you around and tickling you. You loved that so much that every time I had blanket or towel to folding or fixing my bed. You would running to me and tried to play with me. I always laughed and would tickling and swaying you.
I ill miss our night time routines. I miss to see you in mornings by wake up and you always look at me. I loved you sooo much!
I have so much more to name our routines, ways of interact.. you was wisdom soul dog that I ever have! I am so sorry that I didn't get you in early enough that you could had survived this horrible infection an we will never know why you wasn't getting better. I m so sad that you did not make thru that morning. I m shattered into million pieces. I m bawling here. My guilty and anger are all over places..
Registered: 1508326382 Posts: 71
Dear Atlas mom
I’m so sorry you are suffering so much right now. Please please stop punishing yourself, you don’t deserve it.
From everything I read that you have written in your posts, all I can see is how much you loved / love him. You really did all you could and did your best at that time when he was ill.
Of course he forgives you, not that there is anything to forgive, but he really wouldn’t want you to be punishing yourself like this. He wants you to get some happiness back, the same you would want for him. That bond you have will NEVER be broken, it is there forever, love never dies.
Of course I know this is so heart wrenchingly painful right now and you can’t ever imagine feeling any joy ever again (I’m at that stage too) but we will, but you need to be kind to yourself.
You are obviously a kind loving person who gave your beautiful dog the best life.
I also have been going through the ‘what ifs’ and retracing back, but all it does is make you feel even worse and prolongs your suffering. I just have to keep saying STOP to myself or out loud sometimes, occasionally I have to keep saying it over and over to get an image out of my mind.
Please just try and think of the great life he had with you and not how it ended which is only a tiny part.
Keep talking to us and take care of yourself.