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amandap4646

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Posts: 17
 #1 
It has been 1 week since I had to make the most dreadful decision to let my best friend  "Molly" go .(a black lab/collie cross) She was 14 years and 5 months and I had her from 8 weeks old.

My whole life revolved around her, we did everything together. Molly was my life and now I am so empty I am not sure how I will get through this.

Molly had suffered with arthritis for the last few years of her life but with medication this did not stop her running around like a puppy when we went for our daily walks. I almost believed that she was going to live forever because other than this she was always so healthy.

1 month ago Molly had what looked like a mini seizure, however within a few seconds she was back to her normal self. A visit to the vet for a check up suggested that it was nothing to worry about however 2 days later I was back with another symptom - hyper salivation. I insisted that they run some blood tests and the results indicated that her liver was not performing as well as it should be. It was suggested that with a diet change and some liver support this could be reversed.

I truly believed that she was on the mend, she was so happy and wanted to eat and play....how could she be sick?

2 weeks later other subtle signs started to show.....she started to struggle to climb the stairs, and had slight coughing (vet said it was kennel cough) but finally the vomiting came.

4 times in 1 week I had her in to see the vet and each time I was given a different diagnosis. Finally an x-ray showed that she had severe megaesophagus and lung cancer - my world literally fell apart.

The long term prognosis was not good and I had to make the hardest decision I have ever made. I wanted so much to keep her with me, how would I survive without her? However, I could not put her through grueling procedures and more pain to only extend her life for a few months if we were lucky. So I decided to let her go and I will never ever forget those last moment stroking her and telling her how special she was to me and that she will never be forgotten.

I did what I thought was the best for her and now her pain is with me, my heart is breaking and I have cried so many tears....I cant believe that she is gone and I will not have the chance to cuddle her again and look into her beautiful brown eyes. 

I cant get the last week out of my head and I keep going over and over every detail - how could I allow this to happen, could I have done more, did I miss something and will she think that I just gave up on her and let her go.

As the days go on I feel more sadness and loss and I cant cope with the pain, I want to smile at the good memories but I cannot let them in - it is too painful.

Sorry for rambling but I need to talk to somebody who understands how this feels and hopefully help me come to terms with my terrible terrible loss.



 
twinkiesmom

Registered:
Posts: 839
 #2 
I am so sorry for your loss of beloved Molly. You were blessed with many wonderful years together and during all that time shared so much love and devotion. It doesn't seem fair that loving someone brings such sorrow but sadly it is inevitable. Never for even a minute feel that Molly thought you gave up on her and let her go. You showed your love for her in countless ways. Good food, shelter, long walks together, countless days and nights of just being together, of cuddles and love, so much love. Every time you looked into each other's eyes you saw love there. I have always heard animals don't fear death, I hope that is true. What matters is that you were with her in her final moments, caressing her, whispering words of love. All of us here know how your heart is aching, that it seems impossible to keep going through through the motions of day to day life without Molly by your side. She is still with you even though you cannot see or touch her. She is in your heart and sometimes in a quiet moment you may feel her presence. And as impossible as it may seem there will come a time when memories of your time together will bring smiles instead of tears. I know there is nothing anyone can say to you right now that can ease your pain but all of us here offer comfort and support as much as you need, whenever you need it. You and Molly will be in my prayers. God bless you.
amandap4646

Registered:
Posts: 17
 #3 
Its 3 weeks tomorrow since I lost my precious Molly and the pain is more intense than ever. I feel like the sadness is consuming me and people around me just don't get it - they think I should be "over it" by now.

I have never felt so alone and heartbroken, I just cant seem to break through this sadness. I have been able to stop focusing on the last few days of her life however when I try and think of the good times it hurts so much - a strong reminder that she is not coming home.

I don't think the truth really sunk in for the first few weeks, I thought I was doing quite well because I could at least still function and when I collected her ashes I felt some comfort and peace because she was home. However, something has changed inside me and now she is in my thoughts all the time (I cant focus on anything) all I want to do is stay in bed, cry and avoid everybody. I cant even look at her pictures anymore without sobbing.

I feel like this sadness will never leave me and something inside me has died with her. Just not sure how I am going to get through this terrible heartache.
whit_signs

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #4 
Hi Amanda,
I know exactly how you feel. I had to make the decision to let my cat, Clara, go on December 8. She was 15 1/2 and I have had her since she was 5 months and I was 22 living in my first apartment alone. I have practically lived my entire adult life with her and I don't have a husband or kids. It was just the two of us.

I was told about a year ago that she had chronic kidney disease...she had always been super-healthy up to that point. Over the past year, she began getting thinner, and around November I really began to get worried that she seemed unsteady on her feet and wasn't as energetic as normal. After finding out she had gone into kidney failure on 12/1, I spent the next week at home with her pretty much 24/7.  I did everything I could for her over the last year (subcutaneous fluid injections, kidney diet food), but it is a degenerative condition. When she could no longer eat and had trouble standing, I knew I had to let her go.

That was almost 4 weeks ago. I still cry (sob) every time I come home and she is not at the door. Every Friday between 5 and 6pm I relive that awful hour I spent at the vet when I had to put her down. Holding her in my arms and feeling her weight when her soul left her body. Leaving her in that room lying on the table. Some people said it would feel peaceful, but it was one of the worst experiences of my life.

She was always by my side when I was home, and slept on my bed every night. I know exactly what you mean when you say that the pain is unbearable and physical. I can't sleep and cry several times a day (especially at night trying to sleep). I have never experienced this level of grief before. Nothing can really prepare you for it. I have been leaning on a friend who was very close to her dog whom she had to put down several years ago. She assures me that the first month is the worst but slowly you will begin to feel better and come to a point of acceptance. I hope so. I have never cried this much in my entire life.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I know exactly what you are going through and that I hope your pain eases soon. 

Rest in peace, Molly. 
 -- Whitney
amandap4646

Registered:
Posts: 17
 #5 
Hi Whitney,
Thank you for your kind comments, it helps to know that I am not alone.
I am so sorry to hear about your precious Clara, it sounds like you gave her a wonderful life and I truly feel for you now that you are suffering her loss.

It is so hard to let them go but I tell myself that this is the last gift that we can give to them. I feel like it is my turn now to take on the pain which Molly suffered before she left me.

I feel like I am existing and breathing but my body is really not functioning and my brain is just in a fog. Sometimes for a short time, I feel like I am getting better but then suddenly it hits me again and I am back to square one. To be honest, I am not even sure if I have even truly accepted the fact that she is gone and is not coming back. 

I know what you mean about reliving the last hour in the vets every week. I got the phone call from the vets on a Wednesday at 11.05 to tell me that the Xrays and prognosis were not good and by 11.30 I was saying goodbye to her. I could not put her through anymore invasive procedures just so that I could hold on to her for 1 more day.

It is good to know that you have a friend who you can lean on, I only wish I had somebody who truly understands how I feel. I too don't have kid's, Molly was my baby and my whole life revolved around her.

I hope your friend is right about the first month being the worse and I hope you begin to find some acceptance soon.

Rest in peace, Clara

Amanda

Renvip

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #6 
Amanda,
I just lost my soulmate KingLouie two days ago. I am literally dying. I can’t explain this feeling but it is really bad. I did I everything I knew during the last three years and he was misdiagnosed. It was so so sad. He seemed ok after I gave him.an iv. He didn’t want to lay with me as he always did. So he went to lay under the Christmas tree. I went to check 20 minutes later and he was dead.
I can’t get it out of my mind and can’t function or eat. I am a total mess. I lost my parents a week apart to cancer who I was very close with but the pain was not like this. I never had children and he was my child. Please pray for me as I will for you and your Precious Molly. This is the worst time in my life. There are no words. I am devastated I love you KINGLOUIE my beautiful Maincoon. You were my LIFE
amandap4646

Registered:
Posts: 17
 #7 
It is 4 weeks today since I lost my precious Molly. I miss her so much I don't think that my life will ever be the same. Every Wednesday, I go over the last few hours and think abut all the things that had happened and could I have done anything differently.

On Sunday we went for our first walk on her favorite trail without her. I thought that it would have been really painful but actually I found some peace. I imagined her running along beside us like she used to when she was younger and pain free.

It is true that time helps, yesterday was my first day without tears. However, I felt so guilty for not crying when I was thinking about her. Does it mean I am forgetting her or is it that I am finally accepting that she has gone and I will never get to hold her again?

It is still hard to go home and not have her waiting for me at the door, or go to bed and not have her by my side. I even miss the daily rituals of hiding medicine in food to fool her into taking it.  Molly loved cheese and every time the fridge door opened she was there....waiting for her treat.

I didn't think it was ever possible to feel such love for a dog. However she has proven to me that it is and I will be forever grateful that I had her in my life for almost 14.5 years. Molly was by my side in good times and in sad times and her love was unconditional. She was my constant, my  rock and now she has gone.

I am not sure if I believe in the Bridge. I would like to think that it is true. I feel a bit silly because some of the things that are really bothering me is "is she ok"? Molly always wanted to be by my side and I am scared that she is "lost" and running around frantically trying to find me. Does she think that I didn't love her and gave up on her?

I haven't saw her in my dreams yet and I am always looking for signs that she is ok and forgives me for letting her go...I hope I get one soon.

Thank you to Twinkiesmom, Whitney and Renvip for your kind comments. It helps to know that other people understand how I feel. I hope that you are all coming to terms with your terrible loss.

RIP Twinkie, Clara and KingLouie

Molly, I love you so much and I always will. RIP my precious little one x


whit_signs

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #8 
Hi everyone,

Just checking in. Amanda -- thank you so much for your kind words. I am so glad to see that you are doing a little bit better. I am still pretty depressed, but I think the initial trauma and disbelief have transitioned into just intensely missing my Clara. It's still hard to come home at the end of the day and lie in bed at night without her there. Today and this past weekend have been a struggle...just when I thought I was getting a little better. I wish we could attach pictures to these posts so I could see your little fur babies.

Amanda, I know what you mean about the rainbow bridge. I am personally not a religious person, so it's hard for me to think I will ever see her again (even in the afterlife), but I do appreciate the sentiment from others. I'm sure Molly knows you did everything you could for her and she would have done the same for you.

Peace -- Whitney 

PS. I have found some really beautiful and reasonably-priced portrait artists on Etsy that will make portraits based off of pictures...I think I will eventually do something like this. Some of them are really beautiful and not too expensive.

seattlestown

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #9 
Amanda...totally going through it all as well. Nov 24th 2017 was my babys last day. She would have been 9 last week. Hemangiosarcoma....worst aggressive sudden cancer in dogs. Goes through the blood to tumours on all organs. It was 10 weeks of tests...confusion...shock... All after biopsy....surgery x 2... I will always feel pain & guilt for her suffering. I would have never removed several tumours under the skin had I known it was full blown cancer. Xrays showed how bad it was. I keep wishing xrays were first done before any surgery. I hate that she suffered. My baby was everything. She got me through so many tough years. She was my child....my life. I cry through the week still. Missing her daily. I got a new pup just to get me out of bed. I just had no will to continue without her. Someday I will be able to accept it. But its so hard. So painful to not have her here. Prayers to you for strength day to day. It really is one day at a time. I will always miss her. My heart will always ache. I hope someday to be able to smile at all the happy memories she brought. She was the best thing that ever happened to me in life. You are not alone in your grief. It can take years to accept. Hugs xox. My sweet Seattle...I wish you were here with me my sweet girl. #dogsareangels #loveyoubabygirl
amandap4646

Registered:
Posts: 17
 #10 
Dear Seattlestown, I am so sorry to hear about your loss.

I think we all go through different kinds of emotions. You are wising that you knew earlier about the cancer because you wouldn't have put Seattle through all the procedures. In my case I often think, did I make the decision not to try and fix Molly to hastily and should I have fought harder. Will she think that I gave up on her? We have to remember that we did the best we could with the information we had available too us at the time.

I still cry most days also, Molly was my world and my precious baby. Her needs were always put first which is why I didn't want her to suffer more than necessary and why I made that terrible decision on 12/13/17.

I cannot consider getting a new pup, I hate the emptiness in the house and would love to snuggle up to some fur, but the pain of loosing Molly is too raw and I feel like I cannot ever go through that pain again. On the other hand, I would go through it all again if only I could have Molly back for 1 more day.

I am still not sure I truly believe that Molly is gone. Sometimes I still think that she will be waiting by the door when I arrive home or be by my bed when I wake up. Then the grief and reality hits and it is so hard to face. People around me think that I am o.k now, the reality is that I am just better at hiding it from them. They don't understand why it would be taking so long to get over a dog. They have no idea how I truly feel and Molly was never just a dog. I was lucky enough to have her in my life and to experience all the special times we had together. We loved each other unconditionally and she was my child, this is why it hurts so much. Those people who do not understand have never experienced this kind of love and loss and have therefore missed out on the wonderful gift our pets give us.

I would like to thank everybody on this forum who is helping me get through these terrible times. It helps knowing I am not alone and that there are people out there who truly know how it feels to lose our babies.

R.I.P Molly I love you so much and will miss you always xx


HeidiGirl

Registered:
Posts: 52
 #11 
Hi Amanda.  So, so sorry for your loss of Molly.  She sounded like such a good girl, and a very brave one at that living with her pains and sicknesses, but at the same time somehow always being there for you.  That's funny about our pets, no matter how much pain they are in, or what ailment they get they still find a why to mask it and be right there for us until that day comes.  They know when to give up the fight, and they know (and I truly believe this) that the decisions we make will take their pain away, and Molly knows that you loved her and helped her to be free and whole again.  She surely does know that your decision was the right one and doesn't hold any ill feelings towards you whatsoever.  Your final act was the greatest love and gift you could give her.  For sure!!!!!!

You will cry, and be depressed, and ponder if there was something else you could have done, and blame yourself, and cry some more, and not want to go to work, and walk around the house aimlessly, and wish you could still hold her, and cry, and cry, and cry.  This is the way it will be for awhile.  This will be your life.  It is only natural.  It is, I guess, the way it is supposed to be.  Everyone here went through it or is currently like you.  I did.  I did for a long time.  I won't dwell on my dog Heidi's story (you can read it if you wish), but she died on 1/14/16.  I can still cry at the drop of a hat.  It took me a long time to get back to a functioning person.  Some will say that the "time will heal your wounds" saying is cliche, but time will really start to heal the hurt and wounds you are experiencing now.  It will take some doing, and you will come around, but there is a process you must go through unfortunately.  This process, no matter how cruel it seems, will ultimately help you.  You will be ok, but my advise is don't rush through it.  Let it play out.  Go through the process and stages.  Then become whole again.  Talk to the people on these message boards.  While we can't feel exactly what you are going through we all have/had similar experiences.  That is why we are all here, to share our stories of love, grief, death, the celebration of life.  We are here for you.

Molly will forever be a part of you.  She will consume a piece of your heart.  She will let you laugh and cry and look back at her life that you both shared.  You won't forget her because, quite frankly, it is impossible to.  She will always be there for you.  The day will come where you will be able to look back and smile, and hopefully shed less tears, but you will never, ever forget.  This is just an amazing thing that shows our unconditional love to our beloved pets.  This love that they gave to us, we give back.  Yes, it is a terrible, terrible thing when we lose our pets.  It just doesn't seem fair that they are only here for such a short time.  If only we could be with them just a little bit longer.  You will be ok!

Amanda, all this is what I experienced.  I can still feel Heidi's fur and smell her and see every feature of her face as if she was still here.  I can feel her breath as when she was sleeping next to me.  I can see her playing in the yard.  I think of her often.  I know she knows I did everything I could for her and am ok with my decisions.  You will come to terms and you will be ok.  Once again, I am so sorry for your loss of Molly.  I hope you will find some comfort and peace in the weeks, months, how every long it takes you.  Take care.

Mike    



      
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